DH's 'friend' extremely disrespectful to me -
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If you are easily upset by crude actions/words you may not want to read. I'll be greatly toning down what's been said to me.. but still crude.
My husband and his family have a friend named Ben. In the nearly 9 years I've been with my husband I've only been around Ben for a handful of times.. and generally in party settings. DH doesn't speak to him often but Ben constantly sends him crude pictures and jokes on his cell phone. Whatever.. that doesn't bother me all that much.. and when it does its only because of who is sending it.
(oh and for what its worth I am not a prude.. and have been known to have some hysterical conversations with friends and such about sex related topics.. BUT it's done in certain times and places.)
Right after my husband was brought out of sedation in November ( was out for 5 days) everyone wanted to visit him because he was a living miracle and it was by the grace of god that he lived. The night of my DH's bday friends and family descended on the hospital. I get to the room and am talking to DH when Ben walks in. He immediately starts asking if I've given my DH a blow job or a hand job. I laughed it off lightly and changed the subject. He wouldn't. he kept going on and on about how its a good blood pressure test and how I should be 'accomodating' my DH and even bringing him magazines and movies. This went on for 10 min and then I just got up and walked away for a little while. DH just laughed when I told him I felt that was disrespectful and it bothered me. He told me thats 'just Ben'. Sorry.. i don;'t buy that. Thats an excuse and what he did was so lacking in manners or respect.
a few days later and it's thanksgiving. I went in the morning as I knew my IL's were going later and this way DH would have company all day instead of all at once for part of the day. I get there and he tells me Ben is on his way up. I almost left right then and there and he asked me to stay. Once again Ben walks in the room and starts it all up again. He WIll NOT STOP! he had brought a friend with him who looked uncomfortable at one point and then I left to get something at the cafeteria. I would not go back up till they left. This time Dh tried to get Ben to stop but in a halfhearted way. This time was for about 15min before I walked out pissed off.
DH comes home.. didn't see Ben till New years eve for DH's sisters wedding. He said nothing to me then because his girlfriend was there.
Now to last night. I've had a miserable few days with this particular full moon ( only thing I can think of) and I'm really stressed/depressed. I even broke down and had a few pieces of chocolate yesterday. I wanted to work out after working all day. DH wanted me home to drive his car. Instead I then had to go to his parents house and have dinner/ pick up DH and DS.
I pull in and no less then 5 minutes later Ben walks in and sits down at the table. At the table are DH, myself.. 2 of DH's sisters... both DH's parents.. and Ben. He IMMEDIATELY started in with me. Tries saying that my van is always at the local strip club.. and that DH needs a massage at the 'massage parlor' thats downstairs in my office building.. they do much more then massage and its well known... can't get them shut down... then he holds up an eggroll and asks me how it compares to DH....
I just said nothing and turned away to say something to DS who was getting hyper with his cousin. One of DH's sisters just said "Awkward" under her breath. A few minutes later I went to sit on the couch and just get away from him. After a while he calls my attention and asks why I'm not talking. I just brushed it off with how I was tired and it had been a rough few days. He still wouldn't stop. He keeps going on and on and on with sexual related comments to try and get a reaction out of me... which I refused to do. Then when DH finally decided to get going he made a big deal about it. Said he'd even drive DH home which was fine by me.. but DH said lets go. I was so upset I got DS and just quietly left.
on the ride home DH was mad at me for being upset and that it's just how Ben is. I told him how he speaks to me is extremely out of line and extremely disrespectful and why on earth is he fine with someone talking to his WIFE like that??? Needless to say I am wrong and he is right in his opinion.
This morning my FIL came up to take DH to his follow up pacemaker surgery appt. He and DH are talking in the living room while I'm working on a grocery list in the dining room. I realized at one point they were talking about Ben and his father then says:
"yeah after you guys left he was his old self"
WHAT! I have NEVER been rude to this man.. I have NEVER said anything to him to encourage his behavior with me.. and yet he won't stop!!! I've had 3.. maybe 4 direct conversations with him and its the same everytime except for the first one! I NEVER have and STILL never say that DH can't talk or hang out with him. I told him just don't include me.
what the *&LL is this man's issue with me????? the only thing I can think of is that he is pissed that DH married anyone.... and he can't take DH out for strip club bar hopping anymore.. which is a laugh because its been since before me that DH stopped that.
I'm so upset that I'm near tears over this. I've toned down the things that are said to me a lot.. what I wrote is not near what he comes out with and I'm so upset that my husband thinks he's worth more then me.
My husband and his family have a friend named Ben. In the nearly 9 years I've been with my husband I've only been around Ben for a handful of times.. and generally in party settings. DH doesn't speak to him often but Ben constantly sends him crude pictures and jokes on his cell phone. Whatever.. that doesn't bother me all that much.. and when it does its only because of who is sending it.
(oh and for what its worth I am not a prude.. and have been known to have some hysterical conversations with friends and such about sex related topics.. BUT it's done in certain times and places.)
Right after my husband was brought out of sedation in November ( was out for 5 days) everyone wanted to visit him because he was a living miracle and it was by the grace of god that he lived. The night of my DH's bday friends and family descended on the hospital. I get to the room and am talking to DH when Ben walks in. He immediately starts asking if I've given my DH a blow job or a hand job. I laughed it off lightly and changed the subject. He wouldn't. he kept going on and on about how its a good blood pressure test and how I should be 'accomodating' my DH and even bringing him magazines and movies. This went on for 10 min and then I just got up and walked away for a little while. DH just laughed when I told him I felt that was disrespectful and it bothered me. He told me thats 'just Ben'. Sorry.. i don;'t buy that. Thats an excuse and what he did was so lacking in manners or respect.
a few days later and it's thanksgiving. I went in the morning as I knew my IL's were going later and this way DH would have company all day instead of all at once for part of the day. I get there and he tells me Ben is on his way up. I almost left right then and there and he asked me to stay. Once again Ben walks in the room and starts it all up again. He WIll NOT STOP! he had brought a friend with him who looked uncomfortable at one point and then I left to get something at the cafeteria. I would not go back up till they left. This time Dh tried to get Ben to stop but in a halfhearted way. This time was for about 15min before I walked out pissed off.
DH comes home.. didn't see Ben till New years eve for DH's sisters wedding. He said nothing to me then because his girlfriend was there.
Now to last night. I've had a miserable few days with this particular full moon ( only thing I can think of) and I'm really stressed/depressed. I even broke down and had a few pieces of chocolate yesterday. I wanted to work out after working all day. DH wanted me home to drive his car. Instead I then had to go to his parents house and have dinner/ pick up DH and DS.
I pull in and no less then 5 minutes later Ben walks in and sits down at the table. At the table are DH, myself.. 2 of DH's sisters... both DH's parents.. and Ben. He IMMEDIATELY started in with me. Tries saying that my van is always at the local strip club.. and that DH needs a massage at the 'massage parlor' thats downstairs in my office building.. they do much more then massage and its well known... can't get them shut down... then he holds up an eggroll and asks me how it compares to DH....
I just said nothing and turned away to say something to DS who was getting hyper with his cousin. One of DH's sisters just said "Awkward" under her breath. A few minutes later I went to sit on the couch and just get away from him. After a while he calls my attention and asks why I'm not talking. I just brushed it off with how I was tired and it had been a rough few days. He still wouldn't stop. He keeps going on and on and on with sexual related comments to try and get a reaction out of me... which I refused to do. Then when DH finally decided to get going he made a big deal about it. Said he'd even drive DH home which was fine by me.. but DH said lets go. I was so upset I got DS and just quietly left.
on the ride home DH was mad at me for being upset and that it's just how Ben is. I told him how he speaks to me is extremely out of line and extremely disrespectful and why on earth is he fine with someone talking to his WIFE like that??? Needless to say I am wrong and he is right in his opinion.
This morning my FIL came up to take DH to his follow up pacemaker surgery appt. He and DH are talking in the living room while I'm working on a grocery list in the dining room. I realized at one point they were talking about Ben and his father then says:
"yeah after you guys left he was his old self"
WHAT! I have NEVER been rude to this man.. I have NEVER said anything to him to encourage his behavior with me.. and yet he won't stop!!! I've had 3.. maybe 4 direct conversations with him and its the same everytime except for the first one! I NEVER have and STILL never say that DH can't talk or hang out with him. I told him just don't include me.
what the *&LL is this man's issue with me????? the only thing I can think of is that he is pissed that DH married anyone.... and he can't take DH out for strip club bar hopping anymore.. which is a laugh because its been since before me that DH stopped that.
I'm so upset that I'm near tears over this. I've toned down the things that are said to me a lot.. what I wrote is not near what he comes out with and I'm so upset that my husband thinks he's worth more then me.
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Replies
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What a jerk!
Have you ever just looked him in the eye and said "Either talk to me with respect, or don't talk to me at all." ?
Men don't get it when you walk away angrily...they don't pick up on subtle hints. Your hubs should certainly be saying something, but just because he doesn't, doesn't mean you have to stand for this.
You are a woman--clothed with dignity and strength. Never let anyone talk down to you or make you feel uncomfortable. Look that guy right in the eye and tell him that he's not funny and he needs to stop making inappropriate comments. You are a grown woman, not 'one of the guys'. The end. Good luck!!!0 -
So by your husband's logic, if this Ben-idiot put his hand down your shirt and started fondling you, it should be excused because "that's just his way". :huh:
Would you hubby be okay if he talked to his mother that way?? I'm guessing not.
He needs to tell the creep to STFU whenever he starts in on you. :flowerforyou:0 -
WOw this guy sounds a complete *kitten*. On a side note...I honestly think my husband would punch someone in the face for talking to me like that. I agree with you SHAME on your husband for keeping this friend around.
Anyone that is not a friend of a marriage has no business being a friend of either the wife or husband in my opinion. That doesn't mean we have to "love" each others friends - but when they cross the line and actually start causing problems in the marriage thsi person needs to go.
I'm sorry he made you feel like crap ((((hugs))))
ALso I think YOU need to stand up for yourself more and speak your mind. Men like this tend to calm down once they are put in their place.0 -
Your hubby should stand up to him and tell him it's not appropriate to talk to you in that manner.
I unno... pretty jerky of him to do that.0 -
Some people are just like that..they get off making people uncomfortable. It's a personality disorder. You should not have to put up with it and your DH really should be telling his friend off. It sounds like he's escalating and what happens if the next step is inappopriate touching or coming on to you?
I'm really sorry you are having to deal with this. I am the type that would have slammed this guy...like, whenever he wants to talk about what's in your husbands pants ask him why is he so obsessed with it and is he jealous and are you getting in the middle of their bromance and ooh I bet those strippers think he is really good looking (then laugh a lot)...then just look at your DH and say, "why are you friends with such a loser"...I hate bullies and this guy is a typical one.0 -
I would not wait for my spouse, I would take care of the situation personally, and publicly at the top of my voice with no misunderstanding about what I was trying to convey.0
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you have every right to be upset god knows i would. your husband really need to put a end to that since it does upset you i mean ben does not wash his clothing or up kept the house. you can also just go directly to ben and ask him what is the deal???? if hubby not going to do it. personal i would do the second option but then again that me.0
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Sounds lke Ben loves gettin you upset and gettin a rise outta you.....I honestly would just ignore the jerk, n be like um sorry what you say i wasnt listening....But your hubby should say something to him, its just not right0
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Oh my! First of all, I'm sorry that you have to even deal with this--especially since your DH seems so unwilling/unable to support you in this.
A couple of thoughts--have you considered printing this out and letting your DH read it? Sometimes we think we're being very clear about something, but the other person isn't picking up what we're saying.
Also--you will never be able to control someone else's behavior and it seems as though this guy is bound and determined to get under your skin so maybe ahead of time, you can come up with some "coping" techniques to use on those unfortunate occasions when you are in the same area. My guess is that he is EXTREMELY jealous of you and is trying his best to put you down. You can just shake your head and say, "How very sad that you have to act that way" even if you are saying to yourself.
Oh, this was something I heard in reference to dealing with sexual harrassment--which is exactly what this is--and that is to repeat--very loudly what that person just said. For example, if he says "So did you give him a hand job?" You say (very loudly), "I'm sorry, did you just ask me if I gave DH a hand job?" and then to your husband you can say, "Darling, Ben just asked me if I gave you a hand job--would you like to answer that?" That puts them both on the spot where they have to accept responsibility for their actions (or lack of).
Good luck with this.0 -
I'm sorry this is a crappy situation. And it's not easily solved. Sure, you can tell this guy off yourself, but you are really hurt by your husband's lack of concern and support.
And sure, you can try to get your husband to say something but then you come off looking like you are trying to separate him from a friend.
Maybe tell the husband calmly why you are so annoyed, how it makes you feel and what specifically you would like from him?0 -
Maybe its just me, but Id have no quams with punching him0
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I wouldn't stand for it. My husband has a friend that is similar but different. thankfully no sexual stuff but equally hard to tolerate. I told my husband point blank that was the last time his friend was welcome to stay at our house. Dave is a very nice guy, but all he wants is to drink/get drunk with my hubby and we are trying to out grow that phase. I also told Dave, that the hubby and i are planning to start a family soon and that things were changing.
If you aren't comfortable there needs to be some compromise. I would pull Ben aside and speak directly to him. I would acknowledge that your husband values his friendship and you don't want it to end but you are struggling with having him around due to how these comments make you feel. You also have a child you want to shelter from those crude things at such a young age. Tell him to mind his p's and q's around you, your child and family and perhaps you can give him a guys night out with the hubby now and then. not perfect but if you hubby isn't on the same page as you, trying to handle it other ways may just isolate and hurt you both more.0 -
I would not wait for my spouse, I would take care of the situation personally, and publicly at the top of my voice with no misunderstanding about what I was trying to convey.
I'm with you!0 -
Your husband needs to get a grip and figure out what side of the fence he wants to be on. If all he wants is his "friend Ben" then you need to leave. Because a MAN should never stick up for his "friend Ben" to say or do anything disrespectful to you if he really loves and respects you!!! You really need to do some soul searching and decide what you are going to do. It's not about Husband or Ben it's you. You are in control of your life and no one else can take that from you.0
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Oh, this was something I heard in reference to dealing with sexual harrassment--which is exactly what this is--and that is to repeat--very loudly what that person just said. For example, if he says "So did you give him a hand job?" You say (very loudly), "I'm sorry, did you just ask me if I gave DH a hand job?" and then to your husband you can say, "Darling, Ben just asked me if I gave you a hand job--would you like to answer that?" That puts them both on the spot where they have to accept responsibility for their actions (or lack of).
Good luck with this.
Woah, this is SUCH a great idea! And you could use this for any inappropriate comment. "I'm sorry, did you just say I need to watch what I'm eating?" or, 'I'm sorry, did you just tell me my plans for the weekend are 'gay'?" (YES I had someone say that about me going on a women's retreat).
THANK YOU!!!0 -
First off. What a PIG.
Second. I have always hated the excuse "It's just how they are" my grandma...god bless her soul, is a complete *****. Always has been, always will be. Says VERY out of line things that has made all of us grandkids cry..countless times.
NO ONE says a word to her because "its how she is" **** that.
Old, young, smart or dumb. If your being a **** you should be told your being a ****. It's not okay to say disrespectful things to make someone pissed or uncomfortable, and thats what hes doing. If your husband isn't going to say anything, maybe try and take it in your hands to tell him you don't want him talking to you like that. If he gives you grief just walk off and 100% ignore him no matter what.
Now some people may say your should say something. But my husband is JUST like yours haha. My Mother in law is the meanest person I know. Down to the core. Mason *my husband* is used to it. So when she says smart *kitten* comments, I get offended and pissed off. He rolls his eyes and says its how she is. I love my husband very much. But that is our big fight. I put her in her place last year. She has slowed down with rude comments. But that being said...this *kitten* needs to be told its NOT okay to talk to you like that. If its not said...it will always happen.0 -
Here here I would so say something too. I like the turning the question back to both him and the husband I would LOVE to see the look on both of their faces!! but I think I would hurt this fool (I dont cary a bat in my trunk for nothing) LOL!!!!I would not wait for my spouse, I would take care of the situation personally, and publicly at the top of my voice with no misunderstanding about what I was trying to convey.
I'm with you!0 -
I would not wait for my spouse, I would take care of the situation personally, and publicly at the top of my voice with no misunderstanding about what I was trying to convey.
:smokin: Niiiiiice! :smokin:0 -
first off... ((((((( HUGS)))))))
and second I am with everyone else, you should stand up for yourself I know what it is like for your hubby not to stand up for you as mine is the same way. I completely agree that you need to involve your hubby when he asks those kinds of questions so he can feel what your feeling, maybe it will get through to him how inappropiate the whole thing is!! I wish you the best of luck!!0 -
what does DH mean?0
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