DH's 'friend' extremely disrespectful to me -

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Replies

  • LorinaLynn
    LorinaLynn Posts: 13,247 Member
    I would not wait for my spouse, I would take care of the situation personally, and publicly at the top of my voice with no misunderstanding about what I was trying to convey.

    Word up!

    I would ask him just what you asked us, "What the (insert favorite word) is your problem?" I'd probably also make references to his own inadequacies, because I'm a b-word like that.
  • bunny888
    bunny888 Posts: 23
    Hi,

    I've just read your message and have so much sympathy with you. What an appalling way for Ben to behave. I completely agree with you that Ben's comments are inappropriate and disrespectful and he doesn't seem to have any comprehension of the boundaries of social acceptability. I do wonder what your husband gets out of this friendship. It must be very upsetting that your husband is stuggling to understand why you find Ben's behaviour and comments upsetting. It is a shame your husband isn't backing you up more with this. Perhaps with just coming out of hospital he is avoiding the stress of tackling the problem and he clearly feels some loyalty to Ben (from their previous shared history and perhaps strengthened through the support he has offered your hubbie during his illness and hospitalisation).

    Could you sit down with your husband and try once more to have a serious talk with him and explain how much Ben's behaviour is upsetting you and that it is socially unacceptable, inappropriate and embarrassing for you and anyone else witnessing it. Could you suggest to your hubbie perhaps that if he wants to continue seeing Ben he should see him separately but that you would like him to no longer invite Ben to general family occasions when you will be present. You can say you understand he feels a loyalty to Ben but that it is extremely important for your future happiness that he backs you up on this.

    I wonder how Ben would feel if someone spoke to his girlfriend like that. I'm not sure whether you are right about Ben resenting your relationship with your hubbie and that is the root cause of his behaviour or whether it's the old schoolboy thing of teasing someone and winding someone up because he actually has a thing for you.

    Also, one more thought. Could there also abe other issues at play here.......I have read that it's a common thing for people who have been sick for a long time to sometimes 'turn against' their carers as the carer or former carer reminds them of their weakness/sickness. Just wondering if that could possibly be why your husband is not supporting you as much as you might normally expect.

    If you do find yourself in Ben's company again and he starts making inappropriate comments again I would say quite loudly in front of other people, 'I wonder why you feel the need to try to embarrass/humiliate me like this' and then try your hardest to act as though what he has said hasn't bothered you and calmly walk away and find someone else to speak to. I know that is a recommended technique for dealing with 'bullying behaviour in the workplace etc' and it may also work in your situation. Worth a try. Alternatively, excuse yourself to nip to the loo or something and then do some deep breathing techniques to help you stay calm and help with your anger and frustration eg breathe in for 4, hold for 4, breathe out for 4. Repeat until you feel calmer and more in control.

    Also, to help generally with your own frustrations and to help you maintain focus maybe you could try a spot of meditation if you have the time.

    I wish you the very best of luck in resolving this problem and my best wishes for your husband's continued recovery.

    Stay strong and keep smiling.

    X
  • RoadDog
    RoadDog Posts: 2,946 Member
    Nobody talks to my wife in this manner.

    The fact that your husband allows this to happen speaks volumes. It's his friend and if he had any respect for you at all, he would shush Ben with "extreme prejudice."

    By the way, I doubt I would ever have to say something to a friend of mine. First off, if they are in my group of friends, they show the same repect to my wife and children as they do to me, and, secondly, my wife would rip into them unmercifully, knowing full well I am cocked and all she has to do is point me and pull the trigger.
  • reese66
    reese66 Posts: 2,920 Member
    Oh, this was something I heard in reference to dealing with sexual harrassment--which is exactly what this is--and that is to repeat--very loudly what that person just said. For example, if he says "So did you give him a hand job?" You say (very loudly), "I'm sorry, did you just ask me if I gave DH a hand job?" and then to your husband you can say, "Darling, Ben just asked me if I gave you a hand job--would you like to answer that?" That puts them both on the spot where they have to accept responsibility for their actions (or lack of).


    *LIKE this ^^

    Me too!!!
  • Phoenix_Rising
    Phoenix_Rising Posts: 11,417 Member


    Oh, this was something I heard in reference to dealing with sexual harrassment--which is exactly what this is--and that is to repeat--very loudly what that person just said. For example, if he says "So did you give him a hand job?" You say (very loudly), "I'm sorry, did you just ask me if I gave DH a hand job?" and then to your husband you can say, "Darling, Ben just asked me if I gave you a hand job--would you like to answer that?" That puts them both on the spot where they have to accept responsibility for their actions (or lack of).

    Good luck with this.

    Woah, this is SUCH a great idea! And you could use this for any inappropriate comment. "I'm sorry, did you just say I need to watch what I'm eating?" or, 'I'm sorry, did you just tell me my plans for the weekend are 'gay'?" (YES I had someone say that about me going on a women's retreat).

    THANK YOU!!!

    I love this idea.
  • Phoenix_Rising
    Phoenix_Rising Posts: 11,417 Member
    Maybe its just me, but Id have no qualms with punching him

    Or a swift kick to the junk
  • cmriverside
    cmriverside Posts: 34,422 Member


    Oh, this was something I heard in reference to dealing with sexual harrassment--which is exactly what this is--and that is to repeat--very loudly what that person just said. For example, if he says "So did you give him a hand job?" You say (very loudly), "I'm sorry, did you just ask me if I gave DH a hand job?" and then to your husband you can say, "Darling, Ben just asked me if I gave you a hand job--would you like to answer that?" That puts them both on the spot where they have to accept responsibility for their actions (or lack of).

    Good luck with this.

    Woah, this is SUCH a great idea! And you could use this for any inappropriate comment. "I'm sorry, did you just say I need to watch what I'm eating?" or, 'I'm sorry, did you just tell me my plans for the weekend are 'gay'?" (YES I had someone say that about me going on a women's retreat).

    THANK YOU!!!


    yeahthat.gif

    Songbyrd's addition here is so great, too.

    Lots of times we get frozen when someone acts inappropriately, and then think of these great responses later.

    This suggestion makes it easy - repeat it back to them as a question (prefereably loudly and with an incredulous look on your face.)
  • suemar74
    suemar74 Posts: 447 Member
    I'd have to ask him why he has a fascination with your husband's d**k.
  • Improvised
    Improvised Posts: 925 Member
    Lol, Suemar, it's a legitimate question.
  • brewingaz
    brewingaz Posts: 1,136 Member
    The way to deal with it is this:

    Next time this Ben guy brings this stuff up in front of you and your husband, you reply:

    "Every time you mention something, he's not getting **** from me for one week"
  • tinalina81
    tinalina81 Posts: 81
    First off I have been known to speak my mind very freely so I would probably say something rude back like" why do you care so much about our sex life, don't you have one?"
    I mean it is odd that he is so obsessed over your husbands hand jobs or whatever he referred to.
    Secondly , if I wasn't so outspoken I would simply tell my husband that I no longer want to be where this Ben guy is, regardless of how difficult that makes it for him or others.
    I do really like the idea of repeating it back to him as a question as well. I bet it would be very affective! Especially if you say it very loud and in lots of company!
  • Phoenix_Rising
    Phoenix_Rising Posts: 11,417 Member
    I'm going to be blunt.

    I've read few of your posts about the problems you have with DH and frankly, I don't understand why you are still there. He is controlling. He's undermining and manipulative. He has no respect for you. I can't see what you possibly get out of this relationship other than having him emotionally abuse you instead of your having to do it to yourself?

    Yes, *Ben* is a *kitten*. No man who truly respected you would let any man speak to you in this manner. If you respected yourself, you wouldn't allow it either--you'd tell Ben exactly what was inappropriate about his behavior-ONCE- and then you'd never deign to be in his presence again. EVER.

    I'm sorry that you seem to feel trapped here, but the only person who can solve these problems is you. By getting up and walking out the door and rediscovering your self-respect and self-worth. Staying in this situation with your husband steals a piece of your soul every single day. It's VERY hard to get those pieces back, and it becomes harder every day that you stay.

    My husband would let his friends, acquaintances, strangers even, speak to me however they liked. I was forced to speak up for myself, forced to stand alone against them in situations like this while he cowered behind me.

    I left that husband. He had no respect for me.

    While I don't flippantly advise you leave, I suggest you evaluate your marriage. If you feel that you can handle how he treats you (I know I felt that way for a long time), then think about if you want your DS to learn to treat his future that way some day. I knew I was right in leaving when my 3 1/2 year old daughter said to me, in front of him, "Mommy, when I grow big I'm gonna beat him up for talking to you like that!!!" I don't even remember what he'd said to me. It was so commonplace, it never even registered with me... but it did with her.

    Leaving was hard. Separation and divorce was hell. But I'm happier and love myself more. I finally realized I should have left him years and years earlier, that I should have loved MYSELF as much as I love my daughter, and left for my own sake!

    I'll jump off that soapbox. Everyone has different circumstances, different things they can handle and can't.

    I wish you the VERY BEST. Tell Ben to take a flying leap. Tell the hubby to get bent when it comes to Ben.

    (((HUGS))))
  • Phoenix_Rising
    Phoenix_Rising Posts: 11,417 Member
    The way to deal with it is this:

    Next time this Ben guy brings this stuff up in front of you and your husband, you reply:

    "Every time you mention something, he's not getting **** from me for one week"

    There's a good way to drive a wedge between Ben and DH! Why would DH want that guy around if he's clockblocking him!??!
  • azlady7
    azlady7 Posts: 471 Member
    The way to deal with it is this:

    Next time this Ben guy brings this stuff up in front of you and your husband, you reply:

    "Every time you mention something, he's not getting **** from me for one week"

    hahahaha! I love it!
  • keljo05
    keljo05 Posts: 173
    just a friendly reminder on 2 things :)

    1st - They don't generally hang out or spend a lot of time together. And I have seen my Dh delete many of his photo texts as soon as they come in without me saying anything. The good thing is that they are not close friends and that I do not have to deal with this person often. I am however having a very belated bday party for Dh in the summer.. and he wants this person invited. While Dh is very aware of my feelings and why I don't like what Ben does.... I think he doesn't know how to stand up to him as he is a friend of the family and does a lot for DH's parents. I do not think i am inviting this person to our home and Dh will have to accept that.

    2nd - I did not say anything or do anything last night as I was in my IL's home. i was raised that when you are a guest then you show respect for your host(s). To be honest it would have been nice if even my IL's made it known he was out of line in their home instead of allowing that. I know my mom would not have tolerated that language from anyone that was a guest towards another guest when one of them was upset/uncomfortable.

    I also never said anything in the hospital as my husband was still very weak and it was a fight to keep his bp up to low normal levels. Dh just had tons of lines removed from his body, continual dialysis stopped, ventilator removed.. oh and a few other exciting things... he was still just coming out of it all. He is very aware of how I feel and why and it;s been also backed up by other people ( not his family ) about how wrong Ben's behavior is towards me. My main thing that I will do is to make sure I'm not around this person anymore. Had I known what was going to transpire last night, I'd have gone to the gym and worked out instead of that. I can easily do that in the future.

    I've also gotten an idea to get my point across in another way that very well may work. Dh gets fired up about my job because he thinks I am not treated well or that I don't have a lot of control over things...(meh... he is not happy with himself and tries to make it my problem.) ... i don't talk about work that much at home but he knows I've been having several really rough days ( today is smooth - phew). I may give him an example by telling him a patient has been sexually harassing me. When he gets worked up over it and why no one is doing anything.. then I'll tell him the reality again and ask him why he won't tolerate it at my job.. but he is fine with his so called friend doing it. Sometimes a different approach gets the point across.

    i appreciate the viewpoints and opinions - thanks folks. I will in general sit down and talk to him again this evening. He's just finished with his follow up appt for the pacemaker placement and found out that he either has a loose screw... or a bad lead. So back in for surgery he goes on thursday to correct whichever. If its the loose screw he's out same day.. bad lead he comes home friday.

    oh and for those that wonder why I stay in the marriage - its not all bad all the time... but the last 6 months have been exhausting with his health and frustrations.. and my jobs obsession with his health and my jobs frustrations as we have been going thru the longest systems conversion in history ( so it feels).. and life around both. When I have time to sit calmly and relax I do... I don't have the energy to start the process of separation...or I'd rather play with my son and give him the best of me that I can.
  • Phoenix_Rising
    Phoenix_Rising Posts: 11,417 Member
    I applaud you for taking in all the comments made with the consideration and care they were meant in. Many people would have flown off the handle for anyone questioning their marriage, but you understood the concern expressed and appreciated it, letting us know it's not as bad as we may have thought. :flowerforyou:

    And I applaud you as well for your amazing restraint with Ben's comments. Given the various situations, I have a better understanding of why you held your tongue. Maybe it IS time for that one on one with the jerk now, away from others, away from situations, to let him know that if he EVER speaks to you in that manner again, he will be booted from the home or decked depending on the day and your mood.

    :smile:
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