Can I get some opinions on a semi personal matter? (non wei

silhouettes · April 2011

I know this doesn't have to do with weight loss.. and many of you don't know me to personally but that's exactly why I'm asking this question here (sorry for the long format, I posted it orginally in my facebook.. and realizing I wanted some opinions of those ppl that don't know me or the situation, I decided to cut and past it here and see if I can get your opinions)....

If you had an "enemy" that hurt you real bad... and you avoided them thereafter... you were always mad at them.. they wouldn't even make an effort to make things right.. wouldn't even say sorry. How would you handle it? It's been years.. and I still don't have an answer. Ignoring the situation completely worked for so long.. but weeks ago... I was told I could message the person, they were willing to talk, but they didn't message me first though as I was so stubborn that they MUST do to make it right. Should I take the first step even though they wronged me... I don’t know if I can handle the emotions that get brought back up. I don’t eve...n know if they “want” to do this, because to truly be forgiven they most go through my wrath and pain and questions and I don’t know if they can handle that… never wanting to be confronted and that is why they never owned up to what they did in the first place.. I realize this. The question is… how do I handle this? I know if I wait for them to decide and message me, they will avoid me as I have been doing them…. It could go on for more years… but this tiny little comment they made to Josh about wanting to talk to me… I am confused. What do I do? It’s been weeks since they mentioned this… At first I was seeing if they would message me on facebook, now I realize the next move is mine.

Why do I feel like I am in HS? Can’t the drama and pain stay away?

---That being my question I will explain my situation a bit.. My husband (Josh's) best friend used to live with us, but it was getting awkward and I wanted him to move.. so I cosigned for him an apartment to get rid of him. Months after he started living there he apparently took off for FL with a bunch of our stuff.. DVD's, ect and didn't pay the bills, he wants like a year behind by the time we found out. I was like 18/19 at the time.. and my mom and dad had to pay off the debt. It was a housing place and they treatened to put me in jail if I didn't pay. I was terrified.

We still owe my parents this debt. The guy that did this is a slacker doesn't keep jobs and won't even offer to pay us back.. and I dobut he will even if I make amends. The problem though is he is good friends with my husband's other friends.. so when he goes out with them he see's my "enemy" to.. and he seems up to forgiving him.. but it's me holding us back.

He hasn't even told me he's sorry. He doesn't like confortations as I said.. he avoids me as much as I do him.

So there's the backstory.. sorry for all the drama... but hey it takes your mind off what you ate today right?

Any opinions on what I should do?

silhouettes · April 2011

I know there are probably better forums to ask this kind of question.. but I don't like joining forums.. I just use this and facebook... I don't really want to join a forum just to ask this question.. so if you guys don't want to answer, I understand, just ignore the question.

catcrazy · April 2011

Personally his name would be pure dirt to me, but as hes your husbands mate I guess a lot rests on your husbands take on this. Can he not get the guy to repay the debt or even at least apologise?

Carl01 · April 2011

I went 20 years barely speaking to my only brother over something,doing so did me no good in life and should have addressed it at the start.
Being stubborn is one of my many flaws and seldom has done me any good.

I finally after years of bitterness addressed it 3 1/2 years ago and things are better but still not what should be.
My advise after that experience would be to take the initiative but without knowing the personality of him that isn`t completely fair to say.
Perhaps a tough "love" session telling him what his actions have really done is in order.

silhouettes · April 2011

It's been years since this happened. My husband is... well I don't want to talk bad about him but he doesn't like to be in the middle of things either.. and he is quick to forgive.. he has forgiven people for worse.

He understands where I am coming from and he avoids the friend as much as I do, because I ask him to... even when he is in group's he is "formal" to the guy but doesn't go out of his way to talk to him.

My husband loves me... and I him... but I guess this is between me and the friend but he doesn't really completely understand and he doesn't want to get in the middle of it.

Li_Willi · April 2011

Ultimately, whether or not you choose to forgive this person has absolutely nothing to do with them at all - whether or not they apologize, make the first move, or do anything. Your forgiving them (again, if you chose to do so) is ENTIRELY up to you. If we were to wait for people to acknowledge/apologize for wronging us, then we'd spend a whole lot of time being bitter, holding a grudge & making ourselves ill. I guess you should ask yourself how much is it worth for you to hold onto this grudge & never forgive this person? Is it worth your health, your peace of mind? I had a similar situation with a family member & if I'd waited to hear from them before I decided to forgive them (more than once mind you), then I would've NEVER forgiven him - and the person who would've suffered the most from that decision would've been me, because people have a way of moving on & not even thinking about you or how they've wronged you.

So my advice is to forgive them (for your own sake) & try to let it all go. People are people and they make mistakes & sometimes it takes a while (even years) for them to come around. We all need forgiveness at various points in our lives & we'll need to be forgiven again in the future (whether we realize it each & every time or not). But yeah, for your own sake, forgive them...you'll feel better for it.

nisijam5 · April 2011

Um, he doesn't like confrontations because he is a user and a coward...I just don't know what talking to him will do for you...so, he's sorry...big wup...if he were sorry, he would attempt to make it better and put up some $$$$.

DKBelle · April 2011

I would recommend to move on. We have a quote sounds something like this" from a dog there never be a bacon" also why worry about something that you can't change and if you could of course you wouldn't care about. By the way it is your decision after all the comments regardless. I hope you will make a best decision for yourself! Good luck!

maddiex_x · April 2011

Well I'm stubborn, so I would never give in LOL.

Maybe you should for your husbands sake, if he got over it. You guys were young. Perhaps he feels bad for doing that to you and is embarassed to walk up to you and tell you.

khodges15 · April 2011

I wouldn't make the first step. If he does however, do what you got to do give him your wrath and forgive him FOR YOUR OWN PERSONAL SPIRITUAL wellness. In this situation you need to forgive for you. Because it sounds like this guy will never change, God will handle him in his own way. After he makes the first step and all is said and done, was your hands clean of the situation and go back living to the happy way you were without him in your life..

sorry if that sounds a touch harsh. thats just my opinion.

SarahR1984 · April 2011

Being a Christian I would try my best to forgive him, as I've been forgiven for things I've done. We've all treated God badly, ignored and hurt him but He forgave us and died for us. Jesus tells us to love our enemies and forgive seventy time seven times. Many people may tell you he's a jerk and doesn't deserve your forgiveness, that may be true but how can you expect forgiveness if you don't give it. I'm sure you have or someday will do something that puts you in a position that you need forgiveness. Don't keep carrying that burden around. So where I'm coming from I say you should forgive him

AbigailJoyS · April 2011

Sometimes its best just to get out how you feel to him. Just letting him know what he put you through, that might make you feel a bit better but since he was capable of doing what he did I doubt he will ever pay you back or make amends. People can change but I dont feel like that happens often.

sarah44254 · April 2011

I'll be honest and say I just skimmed this, so I could have missed it.

Have you talked to Josh about how you feel about this 'friend'? You are having trouble forgiving? Ok, forgiveness will come but that doesn't mean he belongs in your life. I suggest try talking with Josh about you feel, how you will feel more at ease without the 'friend' in the picture, how you will feel less nervous, confused, or generally dramatic without 'friend'.

It seems you have already talked to Josh about this.

Next and final step would be to talk to the 'friend'. Explain to him that you are in the process of forgiving, but you can not see a place for him in your future. As a friend, cohort, acquaintance, anything. There is no 'nice' way of saying things like this but it is definitely needed to be said. This 'friend' may believe that you guys have no hard feelings, and really be trying to be part of your life again. He may be totally clueless that he is a dweeb, this happens a lot.

Drama helps no one, and solving this will be harsh for a week or so, but then with 'friend' out of the picture you will have that much less drama and be better for it. Some things you just have to weigh the options and do what you can.

Get it, weigh? Food site relation?

Xaspar · April 2011

My opinion ... he's an *kitten* and doesn't deserve you going to him. If he is a real man, he will BE a man and come to you. Whether or not he can pay it back or make amends that way, consider it a lesson learned and money lost forever. But until he has the cajones to come to you and man up, he isn't proving anything has changed except that he wants his old friend to come out and play. Well, sorry. In my opinion it takes a little more than telling someone to tell someone ... Obviously he knows where to find you if he really wanted to. And the fact that you hear it third or fourth party just proves he hasn't graduated from the Junior High crap yet.
He is playing a manipulative game by going around to others and saying he wants to talk rather than coming to you. That is just so he can say he isn't the bad guy ... Well, dammit, he IS the bad guy and until he comes to you personally, there is no need to play his games. Let him live in his little world of denial and manipulation without your help.

OK My opinion has been stated ...
~Namaste

vickyplum · April 2011

Hi

Read this and had to say something!!!
Just because your husband's friends are still ok with him and your husband see's
him when they all go out doesnt mean you have to forgive him!! You also say that your husband
is ok with him but he maybe tolorates him as they are in a group situation!!
He could have at least apologise even if he has no intention of paying anything back!! An apology would mean
he has owed up to the part he played in the situation!!
Maybe the attitude I have makes me a bad person (which I dont think I am) but why
make him feel better by forgiving him and leaving it because he doesnt like confrontation
when he was the person that caused all of the pain!!
Maybe one day you will feel diffrently about him or the situation but if you dont then
so be it!!
So in my opinion I would steer clear and wouldnt have anything to do with him!!
I hope you find the answer your looking for!!
Take care
V xx

nisijam5 · April 2011

My opinion ... he's an *kitten* and doesn't deserve you going to him. If he is a real man, he will BE a man and come to you. Whether or not he can pay it back or make amends that way, consider it a lesson learned and money lost forever. But until he has the cajones to come to you and man up, he isn't proving anything has changed except that he wants his old friend to come out and play. Well, sorry. In my opinion it takes a little more than telling someone to tell someone ... Obviously he knows where to find you if he really wanted to. And the fact that you hear it third or fourth party just proves he hasn't graduated from the Junior High crap yet.
He is playing a manipulative game by going around to others and saying he wants to talk rather than coming to you. That is just so he can say he isn't the bad guy ... Well, dammit, he IS the bad guy and until he comes to you personally, there is no need to play his games. Let him live in his little world of denial and manipulation without your help.

OK My opinion has been stated ...
~Namaste

Very well stated....

dlaplume2 · April 2011

I have always lived by the motto, when it comes to money, if you let someone borrow money be prepared to kiss it goodbye. the same goes with cosigning a loan or any other thing for that matter. It is a hard lesson to learn. If this guy is still hanging around, the only one it is affecting is you. Don't let him him have that kind of control on you mood. He is not worth it. Life is too short to let something like that get on your nerves.

marcyjane83 · April 2011

You need to go to him. It doesn't matter if he comes to you first. You're only hurting yourself by not resolving this. You clearly want to forgive him. You offered to co-sign. Hard lesson learned. Now you know. I'm sure you'll feel better, once this is taken care. There is no sense in giving him your "wrath" It will only make you look stupid. He will feel remorse and respect you if you treat this with rationale. Stay calm and Good Luck!

jpowell3976 · April 2011

Let it go as lesson learned...just b/c Josh deals with him doesn't mean you have to...Josh should respect your feelings...

UneJolieFemme · April 2011

hum if it were me I'd sue his *kitten* in court. Maybe he's a slacker but probably at one point in his life he'll HAVE to have a job, people won't always put up with his behaviour and always hand him everything he needs. So when he'll have to work just like everyone else because of the court order he'll have to pay you back or go to jail. Isn't what YOU had to do for HIM back then ?

Xaspar · April 2011

And before anyone says something about forgiveness not being allowed in my opinion ... I do not have to forgive a tiger for BEING a tiger, but that doesn't mean I am going to go play in its cage. It is what it is ... you can forgive, but that does not necessarily mean that person has a place in your life.

~Namaste

silhouettes · April 2011

I have always lived by the motto, when it comes to money, if you let someone borrow money be prepared to kiss it goodbye. the same goes with cosigning a loan or any other thing for that matter. It is a hard lesson to learn. If this guy is still hanging around, the only one it is affecting is you. Don't let him him have that kind of control on you mood. He is not worth it. Life is too short to let something like that get on your nerves.

I have learned this the hard way.. Like I said the guy lived with us for awhile.. he was Josh's best friend, he broke that bond.. that trust. I realize the money will never be paid back. I accept that.. Even if I ever forgave him or gave him a second chance... I am not holding my breath for the money.

The how part about it that hurts me more than anything that I am having a hard time forgiving is trust, betrayal. I always knew he was childish... but I never knew how low he could go. I find it hard to forgive when my trust is shattered so much.

Trust and truth is so big for me and he knew that and he betrayed me. That hurts the most and still does to this day.

Li_Willi · April 2011

Might I add that forgiving someone doesn't necessarily mean that person is supposed to be back in our lives either.... just a thought.

kristidem · April 2011

I agree with this. What good will it do to give wrath and pain and questions? Sometimes it's just not worth it. Simply stating to this guy that what he did was horrible, it's in the past. You could also say that it would be really great to you and your hubby if he could help pay some of the remaining debt. If not, let it go. Let him be your hubby's friend and not yours.

Ms_Natalie · April 2011

Maybe he's trying to start the ball rolling to pay you off?? If not then...

Have you thought about taking him through the courts for this money he owes?

If he were a close friend then I would maybe try and come to an agreement....but it doesn't sound like that.

Life is too short to hold grudges but he cannot think that getting close to your OH will earn him brownie points...do you think he may be trying to do this?

I'm not sure...none of us know the situation personally, only you can decide what you want to do...maybe take a few days away from it and then revisit the situation?

:flowerforyou:

Li_Willi · April 2011

Being a Christian I would try my best to forgive him, as I've been forgiven for things I've done. We've all treated God badly, ignored and hurt him but He forgave us and died for us. Jesus tells us to love our enemies and forgive seventy time seven times. Many people may tell you he's a jerk and doesn't deserve your forgiveness, that may be true but how can you expect forgiveness if you don't give it. I'm sure you have or someday will do something that puts you in a position that you need forgiveness. Don't keep carrying that burden around. So where I'm coming from I say you should forgive him

Where's the "Like" button when you need it? :-)

Bridgetc140 · April 2011

Um, he doesn't like confrontations because he is a user and a coward...I just don't know what talking to him will do for you...so, he's sorry...big wup...if he were sorry, he would attempt to make it better and put up some $$$$.

AGREE!!!

Li_Willi · April 2011

,

silhouettes · April 2011

I will post our conversation here.. I made the first step and he answered me within 15 minutes.. here is our conversation so far.

ME: Josh said you wanted or was willing to talk to me. I was going to message you sooner.. but didn't know what to say, I still don't.

I am not making the first step.

I won't lie and say I'm not still mad, but I will listen.

It's up to you... you can contact me here or I can give you my email.

HIM: I understand completely. I dont really know what to say either. I understand completely why you are and were upset. What i did i think we can all agree was soooo irresponsible and disrespectful. I had 2 really amazing friends before i ruined that relationship. It sucks a lot and i wish it had never happened. I think about you guys and talk about you guys lots and it hurts lots too. I wish i could take it back but sadly it doesnt work that way...i just know that i am soo terribly sorry and i just want my friends back. if thats not possible ill still understand!

ME: I have been waiting all these years for you to make the first move.. before I even decided if I could ever forgive you.

In my eyes you did this... you should make the first move.

I realized though you weren't going to do that.. when Josh mentioned me emailing you.. I guess I kinda knew that all along... you always hated to be confronted by people.

But in order to even start to fix this.. if it's even possible at this point your gonna have to do just that. I am still angry.. and I still have questions and heck I'd probably scream alot... and I'll promise you it'd be awkward... but I can't see any other way.

I don't want to start something you will back down from. I still remember the time you ran with Josh's car because you didn't want to face him afterwards. You have to be willing to face this no matter what... or I don't even want to try.

HIM: Yea i hate to be confronted. but i would be willing to work this out. i dont know how much i can do but i can always listen talk and work it out. whatever you would have to say i would listen carefully and as for awkward...well i am used to that. haha but seriously i am down to fix it.

ME: I will say right off the bat.. that this isn't neccessarily about the money.. I mean I was pretty ticked about that and I am still am... I still owe my parents.. but it was my mistake trusting you, I learned... what hurts the most is the betrayal and the trust being broken... you should have known more than anyone else how important trust is to me.. and it's so fragile...

Anyway I won't rant now.. now's not the time. I will talk to Josh. I will have him set something up with you so we can talk. I think no matter how awkward this has to be face to face. This can't be done online... I wish it could... no offense but seeing you is hard and I don't know how this will turn out.. but I can promise I won't try to murder you, good enough? hah.

Let me talk to Josh, I'll either give you our number or get yours and the two of you can plan something and we'll all meet somewhere sometime somehow. We can even bring a 4th party like Zack (I think he knows most of it indirectly I never actually talked about it to him) if you want or not... I don't really care, it can just be the 3 of us.. just trying to figure the best way to make this as less awkward as possible... but lets know what we are getting into before we do.. I don't want to show up to a room full of 20 ppl I wasn't expecting.

Oh and my parents are even less forgiving than me... we moved to their old house so I'd avoid coming out here... no offense again... but I like my head still attached to my shoulders.

Sound ok?

That's it so far he hasn't answered. Do you guys have thoughts on this? I have no clue how seeing him again will be.. I don't know if I can handle it... but I decided to try.

Do you think he really is sorry like he says he is?

How would you go about this "meeting"?

silhouettes · April 2011

Oh the part out my parents.. we co-own this house. They treatened to call the cops if they ever seen him again.. they are after all the one out money since we haven't paid them back yet. I didn't want him to show up unannounced and get me in deep trouble with my family over him.

He's not worth it. At least not right now. Maybe not ever.

kirstinkrueger · April 2011

If you want answers, write him, ask him to explain, tell him you expect an apology and hope he writes back.
If you are ok with moving on, let it go and don't even bother trying, if he is really sorry and wants to talk to you he will.
So it just depends on what you want to do. I am in a similar situation, but she wrote me, apologized, and said she wanted to start over, I told her thank you for finally saying it but I wasn't into giving second chances, I forgive but I don't forget! Good luck girly!

**editied to say the other posts came up after i posted this haha**

Can I get some opinions on a semi personal matter? (non wei

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