The slippery slope of old habits - and I'm freaking*@(! out

MochaMixAZ · April 2011

I am struggling. Over six years into this weight loss revolution and what I thought was well established into a healthy lifestyle... and I still struggle.

I fear I'm battling a funk of semi-depression. I'm not naturally prone to depression, but I can feel it cloying at my mind and spirit. I'm fortunate to have a great job, a supportive boyfriend, a happy home, two fur-faces that bring me joy, a strong family, fabulous friends... and no *reason* to feel depressed. Yet, I can feel the seeds.

I just got through a couple weeks of food and exercise boredom. I overcame that well, and was proud with a modest weight loss over those two weeks. So I don't know what my issue is.

I don't want to workout - I've got lots of excuses that all seem valid at the time. My back hurts. My toenail is sore. I'm too busy, too overworked, too tired. I'm hormonal. I'll do it tomorrow. But those excuses couldn't have stopped me last year... so why are they now?

I went through a fantastic, self-imposed 2 week natural detox challenge. Felt AMAZING. Realized it's very tough to sustain a 100% natural, organic, unprocessed lifestyle. When the detox was over - I reverted immediately back to so-so eating and processed foods. And lots of diet soda.

I found myself driving by McDonald's today (my personal crack-dealer) today. I went through the drive-through for the 1st time in a long time. And ordered a small cone. Ate it. Then went back and got a small fry. Ate that. Then went back and got a medium fry and a Diet Coke. What the hell?

I don't feel guilty. Food happens. But I feel bloated. Tired. Addicted. And a little hopeless. I know all is not lost and a bad day won't make my weight skyrocket to over 500 lbs again overnight - but I do think it's the first step in that direction. I'm finding all those old thoughts that held me back and weighed me down flooding into my brain. I'm worried tomorrow may be a repeat of today. And now I've started the cycle: bad food drives low activity levels, which drives a bad mood and feeling crummy... which leads to lower activity levels, worse food, etc etc etc. It's the slippery slope toward obesity. Again.

I need to put the brakes on this crazy ride. I know how to. I've done it successfully for years. YEARS. So why is this overwhelming me NOW?

I believe in faking it until you make it - that can usually get me through a rough patch. But this feels worse then a rough patch. It feels like my old life. One that I clawed out of, and one that I do not want to return to. Yet I struggle.

I know the scale will have a terrible report tomorrow. I'll face it anyway, and I'll log my weight. It will be depressing in and of itself. I can feel the weight. My skin is tight. A little is fluid, but a lot is plain old fat from days of bad-eating.

I'm feeling a bit out of control. Even at this late hour, I'm struggling to not grab my keys and go pick up a burger and fries. I'm not even hungry. But that sounds.... comforting. Luckily, my boyfriend is sitting here on the couch with me... and I'd have a hard time explaining a 10pm fries run. So I'm already thinking of sneaky ways to get it tomorrow. See ---- old, bad habits.

Comments welcome. My plan is to start by weighing in the morning and facing the music. Log that. Then begin logging my food again - I haven't done that for days, which in itself is unusual. We have a really busy weekend planned, but I'm going to get in at least one workout. I don't want to, and I don't feel like it.... but I think I just have to force it.

Thanks for listening.

emeh · April 2011

Went through this with smoking, it gets easier. Thats what I am holding on to with the weight adjustment thing I am going through now.

absolament · April 2011

Because you are aware of these habits you are still on the right track.

elliemayride · April 2011

Girl, that's an amazing number on there, and you certainly inspire me! I have to have my little treats or I would go bananas. I think you just fell off the wagon and that's ok. You are realizing it and as soon as you start logging your food and weight again so you can see it on the screen you will feel more motivated.

I started on Feb 3 and felt depressed the first few weeks. I think I was comforting myself with food and this manifested itself as sadness. I was able to overcome this with the help of my MD and by week 4 I was rolling!. About 6 weeks into it gave myself a treat day were I had what I wanted, and vacationed from the stress of logging everthing, and ate not-so-healthy my birthday week. .I, too, felt bloated and miserable too. But as soon as I started logging food and exercise again felt much better.

I will say a prayer for you for peace. Don't worry--you got this!

aeckels616 · April 2011

Since you're not naturally prone to depression, is it possible that you have a vitamin or mineral deficiency that could be causing this funk? Be sure you're getting enough b complex vitamins, magnesium, calcium, C, iron, etc. There are others that can lead to depression if you have a deficiency, but those are the ones that come to mind right now.

CassandraD82 · April 2011

First off: don't beat yourself up for slipping up! There's bound to be rocky moments on your path to a healthier life.

I'm sorry to hear that you're struggling with depression. Have you considered talking to your doctor? Depression can be caused by physical imbalances in your brain and perhaps you're expecting to much of yourself to try and beat it just with good behavior.

If you feel that it's something that you can control then a really good place to start is to write down 3 things that you achieved or did that was good each day before you go to sleep. It's a simple thing but it really works wonders. Sometimes one of my 3 things is a tiny thing like: Sharing a good joke with a friend, or giving someone a compliment.

The other thing that can really help with mild depression is exercise. I know you don't feel motivated right now but try and get yourself on a short 10-15 minute walk around the block each day. And if you do it make sure you remember it as one of your 3 things before you fall asleep at night!

(And of course add it to your Exercise Diary in My Fitness Pal so you remember what you've achieved!)

bebababy · April 2011

i am moved by your post and inspired by your weight loss. we all face those times of unexplainable sadness-maybe you need a good unsolicited cry a release for whatever you are feeling unconsciously. while i am not one for crying, my dear friend is a believer and whenever i get in that weird space she suggests it. it sometimes works and i can move on! lol.

in terms of your slippery slope, this is something i am sure we, who have struggled, can all relate to. Firstly, the fact that you can see it before it's too late is probably different than you past. Secondly, you are on the right track with tracking your food and exercise. begin holding yourself more responsible again. Thirdly, reaching out, talking about it seeking support is paramount and you are doing all three. Don't let yourself settle for those excuses you know that's the little devil on the left talking lol!!

i too have fallen on and off the wagon for years never really making any significant improvements. but this is so different i can feel it in my soul and my belly! lol. don't freak out you have come way too far. you have a handle on it now you just need to work your plan. i look forward to hearing your success and how you have overcome this brief but important crossroads.

habibah

mbowman323 · April 2011

I know that feeling all to well. I myself am a compolsive eater and bulimic. You have to tell yourself your better then that "**** FOOD" Why go through the miserable guilt?? Alot of times we confuse thirst with hunger. Drink you some water or even a glass of fat free milk. Then wait 15 min. If you still find yourself hungry then grab a 100 cal snack. They have all kinds of out there. Even I think junk food junky find myself eating these when I feel the urge to binge. My favorite is Jello Mouse chocolate temptaions. Hell I eat two at a time sometimes and guess what it's only 120 cals verseus ben and jerrys chocolate 1/2 a cup at 250 cals and 10 grams of fat. That is just the pint size. If your anything like me a pint can last me maybe 15 min top. Here is a good sugestion. When your out alone and find yourself passing McDonalds put your purse in your trunk. You won't need it with you. If you get pulled over just tell the officer your purse is in your trunk. If your thinking well what about my phone?? You don't need to keep it in your purse you can put it in your cup holder instead. Fill up on things high in fiber as well. I know that you can overcome this!! You come this far and that's amazing!

GypsyWagon · April 2011

Is it possible that being so close to your goal is freaking you out a little bit? I know that when I'm close to achieving something I've struggled for I sometimes sabotage myself. Especially when it's something that I've worked so long on that I'm not sure how I'll define myself when the battle's over. I don't think you're stumbling at this point because you really want a cheeseburger. But, I do think you can whip this. Drink water, water and more water to flush the junk and figure out your next project once you hit your goal in 23 pounds. Congratulations, too, you are a total inspiration to me. Rock on!

The slippery slope of old habits - and I'm freaking*@(! out

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