Too skinny for him....but not for me ;(

rockinbettygrl · April 2011

I know someone else must be having this problem....
My husband told me today that not only does he think I am obsessed with "my weight loss journey"....but also that he thinks I would look unhealthy at my goal weight. I am 5'3" and I weigh 143.0 right now....no where near unhealthy skinny or anything. I am 13 lbs away from my goal weight of 130. I am sooooo close! He thinks that my frame is " built larger" ( I have always been curvy in all the right areas...get my drift?) I wonder if he perhaps prefers larger women.....I was 189 when we met and started dating. He is not angry with me, and has brough this to my attention in an "up for discusion" sort of way...( he's not a jerk who has like demanded I stop what I'm doing or he's leaving or anything.....I dont want anyone to get the wrong impression of him). My real problem is that I just feel that I am sooooo close to my goal and I really want to get there!!!!! ....but I dont want to create a problem in my marriage...or frankly, in my bedroom....wich has already kind of started. When I started this he was REALLY supportive and even started losing with me...he is in the military and very active so this is not like we no longer have being heavy in common or anything. About 10 lbs ago I asked him if he thought I was getting to thin...he aswered with," babe you are ultimate beauty to me...I dont care how large or small you get...." I beleive his feelings of concern for my mental health, and my figure, to be strongly felt by him or he would not of said anything......
HELP!
ADVICE PLEASE!!!!!!!

gummy09 · April 2011

i get this alott to from guys but im like 131 pounds

Elizabeth_C34 · April 2011

Talk about all the interesting things you can do now that you are more fit (re: bedroom things...). That'll get his attention

xraychick77 · April 2011

i am 5'2" and i weigh 120 ish now. i used to weigh 140 and was not happy with my apperance. i am still not totally happy, as i have flab still, but i am looking to build muscle so i'll look fit, not skinny fat.

i know sometimes people may have issue with your fitness because they feel threatened. does he work out with you? at lot of the times people will think you are getting skinny and you'll look good so you wont want them anymore.

rockinbettygrl · April 2011

i am 5'2" and i weigh 120 ish now. i used to weigh 140 and was not happy with my apperance. i am still not totally happy, as i have flab still, but i am looking to build muscle so i'll look fit, not skinny fat.

i know sometimes people may have issue with your fitness because they feel threatened. does he work out with you? at lot of the times people will think you are getting skinny and you'll look good so you wont want them anymore.

He does workout with me and he knows that there is no one in the world I'd rather be with....I honestly don't think that's the problem....

gabbygirl37_2001 · April 2011

My husband will make comments, like....lose all you want, but don't lose your butt or boobs. lol. So...men like curves, that obvious! But another thing comes into play which is the fact that when you get skinnier, more men look at you. Is your husband the jealous type? Just a thought. The other thing, maybe he really does just like a little extra padding on you. Who knows, maybe this is all so new to him, that he hasnt adjusted yet. Give him time, he'll get use to it, and learn to love the new you!

squishycow7 · April 2011

I had a past bf who said similar things... I think he DID like a little chub, but, honestly it's YOUR body, and if you're more comfortable at a lower weight, he should be supportive! As long as you're happy and healthy, I don't think his judgement is anything to worry about. If things are slacking in other areas of the relationship as a result, that would make him shallow, right?

I'm sure you'll work it out. Sometimes it's just hard to picture the person you love any differently as they are, because you do love them. OR, maybe he just plain old wants you to feel beautiful and unpressured about your weight loss! And that's super sweet.

I'm rambling, but I hope it helped.

Jcat52643 · April 2011

A lot of people start to feel insecure when their significant other loses weight and gets fit. I'm not sure that there is much you can do about it except to reassure them and just let them wait it out to see for themselves that they are not going to lose you to someone more attractive. I say 130 lbs is perfectly reasonable for your height and you should not compromise your goal especially when something like your health is concerned. I'm not expert though. I wish you the best.

sinclare · April 2011

maybe he's insecure that you will look so hot that other guys will be after you...?

if he told you though that he would love you any way you looked, I wouldn't worry too much. You got yourself a keeper there, buy some new lingerie and show off!

HelenTheKitchen · April 2011

PLEASE don't take this offensively, I am saying this from the point of view of someone who has been there. Have you ever considered a session or two of marriage counseling? Sometimes in these situations it's a really good idea to get a third party in there. It doesn't mean your marriage is failing or anything like that, I've gone with my husband a few times here and there and it's always helped. Just a suggestion. Best of luck!

Mistykelly · April 2011

I would be happy you have a supportive husband who loves you unconditionally. Unfortunately how he feels about you does not change how you feel about you. Personally I would maybe back off the hard core dieting a little and maybe stop giving him details and take the last 13 lbs slow. My husband sometimes just gets sick of me dieting and would like to see me splurge, so if me eating ice cream with him will help the peace in the house.... poor me:} It is a hard one, and everyone's husband is different, everyone's situation is different. Good luck!

crystal_sapphire · April 2011

I think you need to follow your own goal and discuss with him why it's important to you. is there a chance he's a bit insecure about your weight loss?

llm12 · April 2011

You aren't alone! My fiance is the same way. When we first met, I was sitting around 165lbs. Now, I am at 141, and loving it! However, he has become concerned that I am going to get "too skinny." He says that he doesn't want me to look like I "need to eat a sandwich." Now, don't get me wrong, he is an amazing man. We have a great life and are very happy together. We had a talk about this issue, andI told him that I am going to continue to exercise and get fit. Our deal is that if he ever thinks I'm getting close to the point of "needing a sandwich" we will talk. Until then, he has agreed to be happy for me and how far I have come. Ultimately, I think your significant other should love and support you regardless of size. If this isn't possible, then maybe the relationship should be reconsidered.

rockinbettygrl · April 2011

Totaly not the jealous type at all gals.....trust me, the absolute right amount of caring and understanding in our relationship.
the big question is, " do I keep going and reach my goal, or do I stop now cause I know it might make him happy?"

RunChinni · April 2011

I am 5'7" and weigh 135 now. My hubby is on a weight loss journey too. I was skinnier when I first met him. And I did put on some weight after we got married, you know, the newly happily married weight gain.
He does tell me that I look skinny now. He probably got used to the chub. But his skinny comment comes from me not having alot of lean muscle.
I am sure he isn't threatened by you. He's probably concerned about you focusing too much on your weight loss. I understand you are close to your goal. But 140 at 5'3" is a very healthy weight. All you need to do is convince him that you aren't obsessing with the weight loss. And do give him time to adjust to the change in you. I doubt it's jealousy.

Elizabeth_C34 · April 2011

Totaly not the jealous type at all gals.....trust me, the absolute right amount of caring and understanding in our relationship.
the big question is, " do I keep going and reach my goal, or do I stop now cause I know it might make him happy?"

I think you should find out specifically what his concerns are and go from there. Is he worried you'll lose your curves? Is he worried that you're overdo'ing it? Try to talk it out with him and get down to the heart of it.

rockinbettygrl · April 2011

WOW! Already getting some absolutly great feedback and advice on here!!!!! Thank you so very much!

b00b0084 · April 2011

It has ben statistically proven that men prefer curvy women over rail thin women. yet women seem to think that they have to be rail thin to be found attractive by a man.

hroush · April 2011

My wife is saying very similar things. I still have a stomach that I can't seem to get rid of. The funny thing is that she loves to rub her hands over my muscles, which are even easier for her to feel and she also likes to play with my collar bones. She wants it both ways! I am currently weight training with the hopes of getting my strength back and hopefully get rid of this stomach.

Have you had your body fat % taken? It could be that you are currently at your healthy body weight for your body type. I have big bones and muscular, so I will always be "overweight" according to the BMI scale, which is perfectly fine by me.

savannahgro · April 2011

I am 5'3 and have reached 130(.8!) I started MFP at 147, so we are kind of in the same boat. Not being a tall person at all, you lose your curves easier when going from that to this. The only thing I had going for me was my bum and I've lost a good portion of it (but not my crumby thighs!) So, if he's into your curves, and that's what he finds sexy, I could see why he'd be concerned with you losing more weight. I believe for a 5'3 woman 141 is in the healthy range for BMI. Maybe you should make this your next goal. Tone up and go from there? See how you both feel. Ultimately, I'd say go for what makes you happy but if you can find a happy, healthy medium- why not try it and have two happy, healthy people

etroupe · April 2011

I have had a similar problem but my hubby kept mum about it. It was family members that kept telling me that I looked too thin and was I really trying to loose anymore weight. I am 5'4 and currently weight 135 lbs, my goal was to get to 130 but after going shopping and catching a look at myself in a mirror outside of my home I realize maybe 130 isn't a good idea for me. In my home my 135 looks all tummy and thighs, I can find all sorts of areas that required me to get to 130 but when I caught a look at myself in a carsons department mirror as I was trying on a size 7 juniors dress(still a little big) see side photo. I realize that that was it for me. I am now focusing on building muscle..If I loose a few pounds while in the process its not big deal but in the mean time my focus is not on loosing weight but to maintain an to build muscle.. while you are on the journey through this next 13lbs try getting out and trying on clothes outside of your house.. keep an eye you how you see yourself and when you reach that comfortable place you will know when enough is enough... congrats on your loss so far : )

she_elf · April 2011

He very well might have a valid point. Perhaps he's jealous, perhaps he just likes curves. But maybe you are actually starting to look too thin. Keep in mind that you will almost always see yourself as bigger than you actually are. It's actually a built-in human cognition. So perhaps you look at yourself and see all the fat you still need to lose, but in reality you're there. Or perhaps you're simply fixated on that number and ignoring how you actually look.

Has anyone else close to you expressed concern? Talk to some of your closest friends and have them give you their honest opinions about how you look and/or your goal weight. Talk to your family. If some of your friends and family think that you are getting too obsessive about being healthy or getting too skinny, maybe you actually are. If they think that you're right on track, then it could be that he's just worried about you losing your curves or something like that.

If, after talking to close friends and family, you determine that he's the only one who feels that way, I would honestly suggest talking openly and honestly with him. Ask him what he's afraid of. Is he afraid of you attracting other men? Afraid of you pushing yourself too far? Afraid that you'll lose all your feminine curves? If, after talking to him, he still isn't really giving you an answer other than "I think you look fine now and would be too skinny at 130", then I would recommend going to see a marriage counselor. As a psychology major, I think everyone should see a therapist now and again anyway. I know there's a lot of stigma surrounding counseling, but remember that it's not you saying that there's a major problem in the marriage, or that you can't handle it yourselves. Counseling can be a really good way to deepen your bond and grow together.

Perhaps you could also see a nutritionist or just go to your regular doctor and discuss your weight loss and weight loss goals. Does your doctor think it's healthy? Maybe take your husband along with you so that he can hear it straight from a doctor.

crystal_sapphire · April 2011

It has ben statistically proven that men prefer curvy women over rail thin women. yet women seem to think that they have to be rail thin to be found attractive by a man.

ugh.

1. some women don't have curves in their shape. it's called having a rectangular shaped body where your hips waist and bust have the same measurement essentially

2. She's not getting to some "rail thin" weight. she's getting down to 130 and it short. nothing wrong with her weight goal at all. i don't even get where you're getting that from to be honest.

3. not all men prefer curvy which doesn't equal fat btw.

this is coming from someone who is pear shaped. women have different body shapes that should all be celebrated

rnprincess · April 2011

Since he is supportive, and definitely not the jealous type, I think you definitely need to keep going-until you get to the size that YOU feel best at, it may be your goal weight-a little more or a little less, but you will not know if you do not keep going. If you are like me I tend to obsess with getting everything written down, and counting everything he may be concerned that you are just going to the extreme. Maybe don't talk about it so much. If he loves you and is as great as you say he will continue to support you.

sinclare · April 2011

keep going! you are doing awesome! maybe just don't talk about it so much, or bore him with details.
he sounds nice, he probably just wanted you to not push yourself so hard.
maybe that's his way of being supportive?
just random thoughts

Ladydi1982 · April 2011

Totaly not the jealous type at all gals.....trust me, the absolute right amount of caring and understanding in our relationship.
the big question is, " do I keep going and reach my goal, or do I stop now cause I know it might make him happy?"

It might be a good idea to keep going. In my personal opinion, he might be afraid you will be too skinny when you get to your goal, but he really doesn't know because he hasn't seen the results yet. When you get to your goal weight, let him know how you feel about how you look. Who knows, he just may surprise himself and love the new you!

Pretty_n_Pink · April 2011

Totaly not the jealous type at all gals.....trust me, the absolute right amount of caring and understanding in our relationship.
the big question is, " do I keep going and reach my goal, or do I stop now cause I know it might make him happy?"

If you stop now, how will you feel about yourself? Are you the type of person that if you don't complete a goal you'll feel bad about it or be angry with yourself? If you are you might be setting yourself up to gain your weight back. I don't know how often you "report" your dieting/weight loss to him, but maybe if it's a constant topic of discussion he might be tired of hearing about it. You say he's not jealous, and very supportive then maybe you are just talking about it so much (which I think you should, you've done a great job), but maybe he just doesn't need to hear about it all the time.

And if he really is one of those guys that like a little cushin, pudge, whatever you want to call it, and if you are happy with your current weight figure then maybe it's time to maintain, just as long as both of you are happy.

annieemmons · April 2011

I agree w/Elizabeth C34! Think about all the extra energy you guys will have for your special alone time! My husband's always been a bit large, but when we started dating I was super skinny, 5'2, 98 lbs. He's not had issues with my weight or attractiveness at any weight, when we got married I was 165 and a sz 14. My goal and height are very close to yours, 135 lbs which would but me pretty much in the mid-upper tosection of my "ideal weight range" per BMI. Your weight goal sounds healthy. Just remember, the weight itself isn't necessarily the only "goal" you can shoot for. Personally, I'd like to be about a size 8, which is about what I was when I last weighed 135 lbs and the size I honestly thought myself most attractive. Plus, muscle gain is likely with serious lifestyle changes too and you may find yourself gaining some and not quite reaching your goal, but still loosing more in the waist. Overall, I think you have a good goal. Plus, when you feel more physically attractive and have more energy due to your progress, you're more likely to want some more "special alone time" and that is sure to make him happy Might be a fun topic to discuss with him yourself.

robertf57 · April 2011

You know, the psychobabble of this thread is alittle disturbing. The poster noted her man was not pushing her in any direction or being a jerk, yet a pleurality of the responses talk about asking him about what he is afraid of, etc! As a man, I suspect he prefers a little more meat on the frame. Particularly since that was your condition when you two met.

Ultimately, this journey is yours; but remeber he is along for the ride and I would express clearly how you feel about your goal and try and garner his continued support for your efforts. I know if you came to me and asked me what I was "afraid of" I would probably be torked off.

bonjour24 · April 2011

i don't know. i can understand both perspectives.

for me, i don't ever want to be too skinny. i love having curves- but that's just me. and my hubby loves me however i am (either at 80kgs or 100kgs- i've never been any smaller than that). but my current goals are for me and not for him.

is it that you are actually getting too skinny? i don't think that the numbers matter- it's how we actually look and feel about ourselves, so based on that i don't think a goal weight is that helpful, and it should really just be a guide. are you going too far? do you need to take a pic of yourself to see how you really look, rather than how you think you look.

but if all of the above is ok i think you should keep going, but just do it discretely. then when you got there, reassess. you can always chub up again!

SabrinaJL · April 2011

I just started, so I haven't lost much, but when I told my husband that my goal was 134 lbs (I'm 5'6") he told me he thought that was too low and that I should go for 150. I honestly only chose 134 because 100 lbs lost sounded like a good number. When I get to 150, I'll re-evaluate. But if I still want to go for 134, I will. It's my body and I'm the one that has to live in it. If he loved me at 150 lbs and still loved me at 245 lbs, I'm sure he'll love me just fine at 134.

Too skinny for him....but not for me ;(

Replies

Categories