Too skinny for him....but not for me ;(

crystal_sapphire · April 2011

You know, the psychobabble of this thread is alittle disturbing. The poster noted her man was not pushing her in any direction or being a jerk, yet a pleurality of the responses talk about asking him about what he is afraid of, etc! As a man, I suspect he prefers a little more meat on the frame. Particularly since that was your condition when you two met.

Ultimately, this journey is yours; but remeber he is along for the ride and I would express clearly how you feel about your goal and try and garner his continued support for your efforts. I know if you came to me and asked me what I was "afraid of" I would probably be torked off.

and if you look at the timestamps of everyone posting including the OP, we were all posting within a few minutes of each other so not all of us saw her replies.

i'm concerned about your psychobabble of thinking 130 is not an unreasonable goal for someone who is 5'3. for goodness sakes, you could get own to 110 and then you'd be considered on the low side of a healthy weight. her goal is reasonable and doable. with that being said, if she does want to be at the weight she is now then that,'s awesome too. however, it should not be up to her spouse what her weight is. she has a strong head on her shoulders and there are some awesome comments in this post. words have meaning so obviously his worry of her becoming too thin come from somewhere

monkeybuttsmommy · April 2011

You asked for my advice so here it goes... The independent woman in me says "Get over it dude! Its my body and I will do what I want! If you love me you will accept me as I WANT TO BE!"

Now, here's the rational me who actually went away from this post and gave it some thought. Men need to feel they are heard. They seldom give input unless we ask and even then it makes them uncomfortable like when we ask if they like a certain dress or handbag. They could give a **** most times and usually a caring man wants you to just be happy and not upset. Now if you husband brought this up and to your attention it is obviously something that is bothering him. You should take his thoughts and feeling into consideration. This does not mean give in or stop losing weight to please him. But you probably should get to the core reason because I doubt it has nothing to do with your frame and looking "too skinny". Most likely your getting hotter and he is noticing other people noticing and by "other" I mean men. Men are at heart teritorial. They don't want other men drooling over thier girlfriends and wives. They may be proud for a little while with the looks and glances but as you change those looks and glances get more intense and happen more often. Insecurities have NOTHING to do with rational thought.

So have a talk, or two or three. Tell him you respect his opinions and make him understand how much you love him. Tell him he is improtant to you but that you truly want this for yourself. Talk about fears, his and yours. If he still contends that its just that he thinks you won't look right tell him you appreciate the feedback but don't agree and you need to do this. But if he happens to admit to any isnecurities or thoughts that you might get too much attention or maybe leave him for anther man, talk to him about it calmly and with a lot of love. Good luck to you both.

rockinbettygrl · April 2011

I thank you all for your time and words of wisdom!!!!!! I think my game plan shall be to get to my goal weight and not tell him about every week I weigh in. I really want to get to my goal because I started this journey for ME

He knows I love him, and I know he loves me ( like I said I'm not concerned we are going to get a divorce over 13 lbs or anything)...I think I'm just too close to not try and go all the way!! ya know?...So I'm prolly just gonna keep quiet about my caloric intake when around him for a lil while and see if he chills out about the whole thing. Maybe when I get to 135 we can come to an agreement

Thank you again! All of you!!!

matt7988 · April 2011

This is a very common problem amongst couples from what I've seen.

Most of the time when it's the girl losing weight, it can make the man feel a little helpless, especially if he is not in shape. Jealousy can hide itself rather cleverly.

However, as you have put it, you don't think this is a problem with jealousy. It could be possible that he truly prefers you a little heavier. I tend to prefer women very thin. Other friends I know would not date the same girls I would because they're not thick enough. It's all a matter of preference.

In the end, it sounds like staying where you are will make your husband more happy. But, are you happy? Is completely sacrificing your own sense of accomplishment worth pleasing your husband (and maybe only slightly)?

I say go for your goal and don't look back. If you husband hates it, you guys may have to have some counseling. It's not fair for him to hold you back. At the same time, you should reach out to him for acceptance. If he truly wants you to be heavier and demands that you stop exercising, perhaps you should give him a compromise: You stay where you are and he works on his fitness. That should be a pretty fair agreement.

Oh, and this is completely psychological. What else could it be Doc?

robertf57 · April 2011

and if you look at the timestamps of everyone posting including the OP, we were all posting within a few minutes of each other so not all of us saw her replies.

i'm concerned about your psychobabble of thinking 130 is not an unreasonable goal for someone who is 5'3. for goodness sakes, you could get own to 110 and then you'd be considered on the low side of a healthy weight. her goal is reasonable and doable. with that being said, if she does want to be at the weight she is now then that,'s awesome too. however, it should not be up to her spouse what her weight is. she has a strong head on her shoulders and there are some awesome comments in this post. words have meaning so obviously his worry of her becoming too thin come from somewhere

I am not even certain what you are trying to say... I made no comment about the OP's goal being either reasonable or not! and I also made it quite clear that the decision as to a goal weight was ultimately hers. I only made reference to the fact that beauty is in the eye of the beholder and that his personal preferences may be driving his concern. "Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar"

punkrockmama · April 2011

I know you kinda closed the door here, but I really wanted to comment as my husband and I struggle with this, too.
It sounds like our husbands are very similar, although you are closer to your goal.
I'm 5'3" and want to get to 120-125. The husband was like "Yikes!". Lol. But he responded really well when I changed my goal to fat % and explained that I just wanted to be in the middle of the healthy range. There's no jealousy, or insecurities, it's about my 'obsessing', constantly restricting myself, and his idea of what that # looks like.
Of course, he gets a little bummed when too often I "can't" eat this or that. Or when I'm constantly calculating my calories before a meal that we are sitting down to enjoy. Lol. So...I hold the scale and calorie talk around him (I'll dump that on you guys!!!!) and talk about my fitness improvements around him. And of that he's super supportive and involved.
And, of course, I think you should definitely keep going! I agree that to him it seems like a big loss, but that it might not be as severe as he's envisioning when you get there.
Good luck!!! X's!!!!

Amandamccl · April 2011

I'm right there rigth you I my boyfriend about to be ex makes smart remarks about my weight all the time like we need a fork lift to pick you up or good lording you can eat all that and then when I start losing weight awww you don't need to lose weight.. man are so confusing now I see why so many woman are lesbians.

loro1971 · April 2011

I would be happy you have a supportive husband who loves you unconditionally. Unfortunately how he feels about you does not change how you feel about you. Personally I would maybe back off the hard core dieting a little and maybe stop giving him details and take the last 13 lbs slow. My husband sometimes just gets sick of me dieting and would like to see me splurge, so if me eating ice cream with him will help the peace in the house.... poor me:} It is a hard one, and everyone's husband is different, everyone's situation is different. Good luck!

i think this is very wise advice... i dont know your hubby's ways of feeling "insecure or jealous" but maybe its not that he is worried about other guys maybe its more he feels neglected that you are consumed with the dieting and exercise and he isnt your top priority... my hubby has joined me on the weight loss journey... and he is not really the jealous type(usually) but he is a man and loves his attention from me and if i get too wrapped up in anything else(like when i planned my h s reunion... friends weddings etc... he feels like im not paying enough attention to him).. maybe back off a little.. and see what happens... you can always sneak little walks in with him and have great talks.... i feel like my hubby and i have bonded alot over our exercise and walks... and mentioning the endurance and flexibility in the bedroom and your self confidence to make you feel sexier for him cant hurt!!!hope all is well!!!... talking with someone would be great but see what you can do first together... you dont want him to put up a defense mode and feel like its you against him.... make it a "US ' thing rather than a you thing or I thing.......

spcopps · April 2011

Since you state he isn't the jealous type maybe he is honestly concerned about you losing to much and it becoming a problem..Maybe try to pull up some literature on what is "ideal" as for weight and BMI for your height and age and let him know you you are NOT going to go below your healthy range. Assure him that IF you do try to go below you will be more than happy to listen to his concerns and take his concern into account. Since he met you at a higher weight you could honestly look "too skinny" to him because he hasn't seen you at this weight before. Just try to ease his mind that you are doing this to be healthy and in no way want to compromise your health by losing too much weight. Also ensure him that you appreciate his concern and are not dismissing it in any way. Men like to "fix" problems and I think he is just concerned about the person he loves which is a good thing from his perspective..

loro1971 · April 2011

oh !!! one HUGE benefit that i have had from this whole experience is... i feel more excited to go out.. i almost started fights before we went out because i didnt feel good about myself and didnt want to get ready.. find something to wear. sometimes whole nights ruined.. so now that i am feeling better.. and have clothes i feel better in.. i am ready and dressed in no time.. and it has made us argue soooo much less when we are going somewhere..... MEN LOVE THAT!!! i can be showered, makeup , hair and dresses in 20-25 minutes when we used to fight for 2 hours before...LOL.... kinda ridiculous now that i look back but.... soooo glad its better....and it just feels good to feel good! ahhhhh the benefits of self confidence....has helped my marriage too!

StaceyZombie · April 2011

Totaly not the jealous type at all gals.....trust me, the absolute right amount of caring and understanding in our relationship.
the big question is, " do I keep going and reach my goal, or do I stop now cause I know it might make him happy?"

I'm always surprised by how many people I have so much in common with on MFP. I have the same situation with my husband. I was always big. When we met 12 yrs ago I was probably 190 and that's the smallest I had been up until 3 years ago when I decided to lose the weight. I was 250 at my biggest and am now at 150(5'7")....at my smallest during this journey I was 139. Do what you need to do to make yourself happy. My husband sounds just like yours, unconditional love....we are lucky!! But at the end of the day, you have to be happy with yourself first and one day you may regret not reaching your goal. He will be happy with you no matter what, so make yourself happy

sassylilmama · April 2011

oh !!! one HUGE benefit that i have had from this whole experience is... i feel more excited to go out.. i almost started fights before we went out because i didnt feel good about myself and didnt want to get ready.. find something to wear. sometimes whole nights ruined.. so now that i am feeling better.. and have clothes i feel better in.. i am ready and dressed in no time.. and it has made us argue soooo much less when we are going somewhere..... MEN LOVE THAT!!! i can be showered, makeup , hair and dresses in 20-25 minutes when we used to fight for 2 hours before...LOL.... kinda ridiculous now that i look back but.... soooo glad its better....and it just feels good to feel good! ahhhhh the benefits of self confidence....has helped my marriage too!

So glad I am not the only one that was like this! I cannot tell you the number of fights we had because of all this.

But for OP, I think your plan is good. I am running into this problem with my hubby already. Right now I am still at 161 but want to get to at most 130 (and I am only 5') But hubby from the get go expressed concern over this. I have always been big since he has known me. I think it is scary for them to not know what this weight will look like on us.

Too skinny for him....but not for me ;(

Replies

Categories