If you where in my shoes what would you do?...

californiagirl10
californiagirl10 Posts: 57
edited September 26 in Motivation and Support
Okay so I am 21 years old, I live with my boyfreind and his family 1 hour from my family, He was such a wonderful guy when we met and we have been together 1.5 years, and don't get me wrong he still has his moments but he now says things like...... I am not going to be nice to you until you lose weight...... Fat *****, and other not so nice things, I am wondering how you leave someone you love, and have had a life with for 1.5 years, and your lives are very intangled.... It has gotten bad. NO hitting or anything just verbal and it makes it hard to lose weight or be happy, I just dont like to be sad, and I don't even know where to start if i leave... any advice thoughts ect........ HELP.
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Replies

  • maddymama
    maddymama Posts: 1,183 Member
    If he loved you, and really loved you for you, he wouldn't say anything like that to you.
    He's not being respectful of you. I know it's easy to say, and hard to do, but just walk away from him. Find someone who respects you, and loves you for you.
  • Heather75
    Heather75 Posts: 3,386 Member
    Sometimes you just have to go. Nobody deserves that kind of treatment. From anyone.
  • SimplyDeLish
    SimplyDeLish Posts: 539
    If he loved you, and really loved you for you, he wouldn't say anything like that to you.
    He's not being respectful of you. I know it's easy to say, and hard to do, but just walk away from him. Find someone who respects you, and loves you for you.

    second this response! You are worth far more than that.
  • VikTimH
    VikTimH Posts: 7
    You look tooo beautiful to let ANYONE put you down! You will ONLY loose wieght if You want to not him. But the sounds of what you are saying it is NOT HEALTHY at all. You need to do whats best for you. You are very young and for your mental health and physical health walk away. I know its easier said than done, but in the long run you will thank yourself for it and make yourself a better stronger person! I hope this helps. Good luck! lean on your friends and family for support!
  • KendraElmendorf
    KendraElmendorf Posts: 837 Member
    If he loved you, and really loved you for you, he wouldn't say anything like that to you.
    He's not being respectful of you. I know it's easy to say, and hard to do, but just walk away from him. Find someone who respects you, and loves you for you.

    I second this!
  • Bigsportygirl
    Bigsportygirl Posts: 20 Member
    Tell him what you just told us, his reaction will tell you what you should do.
  • LesliePierceRN
    LesliePierceRN Posts: 860 Member
    you need to separate yourself from this guy. He doesn't love you, he loves his "caricature" of you.. the skinny girl in his head, which has nothing to do with who you are on the inside. It only gets worse as time goes on, never better. Don't subject yourself to that. It's better to cut your losses 1.5 years in than 10 years in. The someone that loves you for who you are is still out there waiting to meet you.. You should never have to put up with or excuse someone that doesn't support you.
  • merrillfoster
    merrillfoster Posts: 855 Member
    Leave, and now. You're only 21, you're young and have plenty of time to find someone else. Besides, it's only going to get worse if you stay--if it's this bad now, when the relationship is so new, imagine 5 or 10 years from now how bad it will be. He's changed, and isn't the person you loved anymore. He obviously has some things he needs to work out for himself, and being his verbal/emotional (and, if you stay, probably sooner than later physical) punching bag isn't going to help him or you. You deserve better. Go stay with a family member or friend till you can get move out officially. It'll only get worse.
  • QueenofCups
    QueenofCups Posts: 365 Member
    Although leaving is an option, you could just put your foot down and say "I will not be talked to this way! If you loved me, you would be supportive. If not, then I am out of here!" He sounds like he has low self esteem too, since he is being hurtful to you. And it is also a possibility he was taught this behavior. Whether you leave or not, I definitely think he needs a wake up call on how to be a human being.
  • SeltzerKC
    SeltzerKC Posts: 13
    If he loved you he wouldn’t be continually hurting you. You are still so young – pack up and head back home. He is definitely not worth it and it’s only going to get worse
  • mskatec22
    mskatec22 Posts: 138 Member
    Do you want to be with the kind of guy that's only nice to "thin" people?? I say...Hell No!!
    IMO-He obviously hasn't got much respect for you. If you stay with him and try to get thin for him, you not showing much respect for yourself or holding yourself to a very high standard.
    Based on what you've shared, I'd say...get out and get healthy!!
  • Brandicaloriecountess
    Brandicaloriecountess Posts: 2,126 Member
    I had to leave my husband after being together 12 years. He was accepting of my weight but verbally abusive in other ways. I had to realize that if he loved me he wouldn't do the things he did.
  • Wraiythe
    Wraiythe Posts: 780 Member
    Oh no no no. If he loved you; REALLY loved you he would love you and support you no matter what you looked like. He most certainly wouldn't talk to you that way. It's time he got a crack of realization upside the head. Leave him. Explain to him (either to him or in a note, depending on how you think the reaction would go) but tell him how what he says makes you feel and that you can't live or ever expect to be happy or even lose weight with that kind of negativity. And that you are going back to your family. Don't EVER let anyone treat you as less than you treat them. You deserve someone who is a great guy to you all the time, not just when it's convenient for him.
  • janalayn
    janalayn Posts: 510 Member
    Do not accept this from him or anyone else. You are a valuable worthwile person regardless of your weight. If he doesn't cherish you now he doesn't deserve you.
  • twentysixpointtwo
    twentysixpointtwo Posts: 30
    Please please please-get out of that situation as fast as you can. In my experience it only gets worse.
  • catcrazy
    catcrazy Posts: 1,740 Member
    Been there, done it, still bear the mental scars...I stuck it out for nearly 15 years (had children) and when I finally kicked him out for a trial separation I still deeply loved him and hoped the shock would change him. It didn't and I called it quits totally 6 months later. My self esteem is still in the gutter 10 years down the line...do it now before you lose more of your life to him.

    Ask family and friends to help you out, sofa surfing for a bit is better than having your self esteem shattered and who knows, the shock of you doing it might just make him realise what he has been doing. Just don't do what I did and hope things will improve
  • MMieure
    MMieure Posts: 48
    I was married to a guy when I was 20. I am 5'8" and weighed 140 pounds. He was always saying the meanest things to me. He made me feel horrible about myself. Just before our wedding he said that he was imbarresed to walk down the isle with someone as fat as me. I got down to 127 pounds. I figured that if I just lost the weight he would love me more and not be so mean. Well guess what, he was still a jerk and I left him.

    I am now 42 and have been with my hubby for 20 years. I am 221 pounds right now. He has never said anything mean or demeaning at all to me. He loves me. I am sure that deal down he would be more attracted to me ( will be) when I lose the weight.
    My self esteem is still damaged from the first guy though.

    The moral is, once a jerk always a jerk. Is losing your self esteem worth it??
  • mursey
    mursey Posts: 191 Member
    You're so young- get out of there before it ruins your self esteem and you start thinking this crap is normal. Trust me, you stick with someone who's mean to you and it will ruin you. Get away from him!
  • sbono15
    sbono15 Posts: 5
    RUN! 1.5 years in nothing in the whole scheme of your life . . . .
  • prjoy98
    prjoy98 Posts: 250 Member
    I second ALL the comments posted on here. I was with someone for 5 yrs (almost 3x's the length of yours) and looking back at the entire 5 yrs I am glad I got out when I did. I'm only 30 and in the process of dating this guy I was extremely inconsiderate of my parents, family, and friends even though they were the ones "picking me up" (emotionally) every time he would do something stupid. You need to "grow a pair" and love YOURSELF first...putting up with ANY kind of abuse (verbal is just as bad as physical) will only make you regret him and his behavior more and more. He should be happy you are on here trying to do something for YOU and if he isn't regardless of 1 1/2 or 10yrs with the person they AREN'T worth your time. You deserve the best!!!
  • SarahWrittenThin
    SarahWrittenThin Posts: 595 Member
    sounds like he doesn't deserve you. 1.5 years is a while but do you really want to be treated like crap and five years down have to leave and take you and potentially your children somewhere else? this guy doesn't treat you right with the way you are what makes you think he deserves you when you are at your goal weight. I left my bf of 4 years recently and found an even more amazing man. there are plenty of other guys out there who will treat you how you should be treated.
  • YPabe
    YPabe Posts: 21 Member
    Losing weight for him? NOT worth it! You should do it for yourself to the point you feel good and comfortable with your body because that's what you deserve. (Not to be treated like that.)
  • minburke
    minburke Posts: 241 Member
    Move home today. There is no way you should put up with that crap.
  • Perfectlycrooked
    Perfectlycrooked Posts: 275 Member
    Leave him, he'll be so sorry when you prove him wrong. You're already beautiful. You should be doing this for you, not for him! You should find someone who's supportive, not rude and full of negativity!
    (:
  • danlyn
    danlyn Posts: 157 Member
    you need to separate yourself from this guy. He doesn't love you, he loves his "caricature" of you.. the skinny girl in his head, which has nothing to do with who you are on the inside. It only gets worse as time goes on, never better. Don't subject yourself to that. It's better to cut your losses 1.5 years in than 10 years in. The someone that loves you for who you are is still out there waiting to meet you.. You should never have to put up with or excuse someone that doesn't support you.


    I totally agree with this!!! You need to get away from him and I'm sure over time you'll look back and realize it was the best decision you could have made. You deserve better and you will find it. Good luck!!!!!:flowerforyou:
  • anewattitude
    anewattitude Posts: 483 Member
    You do not need to surround yourself with people who hurt you, Just because he hasn't hit you ( yet) doesn't mean he is still not abusing you. Emotional abuse is still abuse! Walk away. There are many men out there who know how to treat a lady so don't focus on someone who doesn't!

    Best Wishes,
  • feliciapeters
    feliciapeters Posts: 525
    , I am wondering how you leave someone you love,

    You LOVE him? He treats you like this, calls you names & you feel BAD about wanting to leave? Sorry for my rough attitude, but it's easy, you pack up your stuff, tell him to go F*** himself get in the car & GO. This is NEVER ok and anyone who say otherwise is full of it.

    Your 21, how "entangled" can you be? no kids, no mortgage, etc Hes a BF who treats you badly. Get in the car & GO. NOW

    YOU DESERVE BETTER THAN HIM
  • Sergio1975
    Sergio1975 Posts: 1
    I would leave. It is better to cry a little than cry for the rest of your life with him. You will find someone who knows how to appreciate you. It is totally his loss.
  • livraynesmom
    livraynesmom Posts: 8
    One word:

    RUN!
  • kymarai
    kymarai Posts: 3,739 Member
    As hard as it is, cut your losses sounds like the best advice. You have so much to offer. He needs to grow up. Family and friends will help you through.
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