If you where in my shoes what would you do?...

2

Replies

  • wills2be
    wills2be Posts: 26
    Leave, and now. You're only 21, you're young and have plenty of time to find someone else. Besides, it's only going to get worse if you stay--if it's this bad now, when the relationship is so new, imagine 5 or 10 years from now how bad it will be. He's changed, and isn't the person you loved anymore. He obviously has some things he needs to work out for himself, and being his verbal/emotional (and, if you stay, probably sooner than later physical) punching bag isn't going to help him or you. You deserve better. Go stay with a family member or friend till you can get move out officially. It'll only get worse.

    I second this. He will regret it one day. I was in a similiar situation when I was 20/21 and after being together for 5 years we broke up (mutual) as we had grown apart. I had become very co-dependant and had very low self esteem. A couple of years later we caught up and he was very appologetic about the way he treated me. Your guy needs time to see how he has been acting. Move on huni, there are plenty of guys out there who will show you the respect you deserve. Onwards and Upwards!!!
  • promiseskept
    promiseskept Posts: 119
    Sweety...I did that and hung on for 17 years before he cheated on me and blamed me necause I have low self esteem because of my weight. Run now, 1.5 years is nothing in the longevity of life and honey, I have an awesome hubby now! Wouldn't look back ever!!
  • running_mom
    running_mom Posts: 204 Member
    Leave him now. Otherwise you'll end up in a horrible marriage with verbal and physical abuse. The others are right. It starts off with small comments then turns into something worse.

    It will hurt and you will cry but it will not kill you.

    Just know that there is someone out there who has it a little worse. You are so young to be dealing with that kind of crap.

    You deserve better
  • Crystal817
    Crystal817 Posts: 2,021 Member
    Okay so I am 21 years old, I live with my boyfreind and his family 1 hour from my family, He was such a wonderful guy when we met and we have been together 1.5 years, and don't get me wrong he still has his moments but he now says things like...... I am not going to be nice to you until you lose weight...... Fat *****, and other not so nice things, I am wondering how you leave someone you love, and have had a life with for 1.5 years, and your lives are very intangled.... It has gotten bad. NO hitting or anything just verbal and it makes it hard to lose weight or be happy, I just dont like to be sad, and I don't even know where to start if i leave... any advice thoughts ect........ HELP.

    Call your family to help you move, pack your stuff and GO! I know it's easier said then done, but everything else with fall into place. I broke up with someone after a 5 (almost 6) year relationship. We lived together, shared a bank account, EVERYTHING. I didn't know how I was ever going to seperate my life from his, but I did and so can you. You just need to have the courage to stand up for youself! You don't deserve his verbal abuse and he does not deserve YOU.
  • SayLiLIG
    SayLiLIG Posts: 197 Member
    i agree with all the above comments... Talk to him about it first, and see what happens. But, if he refuses to change his attitude towards you.. get out.. and go back to your family.
  • tethomas73
    tethomas73 Posts: 249 Member
    Oh no no no. If he loved you; REALLY loved you he would love you and support you no matter what you looked like. He most certainly wouldn't talk to you that way. It's time he got a crack of realization upside the head. Leave him. Explain to him (either to him or in a note, depending on how you think the reaction would go) but tell him how what he says makes you feel and that you can't live or ever expect to be happy or even lose weight with that kind of negativity. And that you are going back to your family. Don't EVER let anyone treat you as less than you treat them. You deserve someone who is a great guy to you all the time, not just when it's convenient for him.

    Now I second this!!

    Never let anybody determine you self worth.. You are more than just your size.. Also remember verbal abuse is just a bad a physical abuse.
  • LHemlock
    LHemlock Posts: 1
    Nobody, especially someone you love and someone that's supposed to love you, should be saying things like that to you. You are way too young to be saddled down with someone like that. He should be your best friend, and your best friend would never say those things to you, right?

    I have been married to my husband for almost 25 years, and he loves me no matter what! Through the years, I've gained weight (I was 190 lbs. after my second pregnancy) and lost weight, and he has NEVER said a word or judged me in any way. Please find someone like that for yourself and don't stop till you do!

    Good luck!
  • DaniJeanine
    DaniJeanine Posts: 473 Member
    OMG sweetie...my heart just ached hearing that he called you those names. Right now, you need to put the love for *yourself* above anything you feel for him. A real man would never, ever, ever, speak to ANYONE that way, let alone his girlfriend. Be strong, love yourself, and leave him.
  • SiltyPigeon
    SiltyPigeon Posts: 920 Member
    Cake is really good. Everyone likes cake. But when it gets moldy you throw it out.
    BE happy for the time you had. Savor the memories. But go buy yourself a new cake. Imagine how good that new cake will be after chomping on that moldy one for a year and a half!
  • JesaGrace
    JesaGrace Posts: 799 Member
    If he doesn't like you for who you are now, at the weight you are now....he doesn't deserve you....don't settle for GOD.....you deserved BEST....don't get it in your head to change for him....once you lost the weight, he would find something else you need to change.....make changes for you....I can't tell you what to do, but don't think staying with him and fitting yourself into whatever mold he wants you in is going to make you happy.....In your shoes....I wouldn't be with him anymore......just saying....
  • dragonbait0126
    dragonbait0126 Posts: 568 Member
    kick him to the curb! love does not involve hate. whether that hate is in the form of a feeling or hateful/mean words. you deserve better. as my dad always told me "you deserve someone who will treat you like the princess you are."
  • jackal75
    jackal75 Posts: 95
    Being a person that prefers to give the benefit of doubt, I'd love to think that he just doesn't know the correct way to support your weight loss goals. But the realist side of me thinks he's just an idiot.

    Find out if he was "just trying to motivate you" (ugh) or if he really feels you are too big for him. Ultimately, both are bad, but make sure he is truely an a-hole rather than just nieve. Then make the call. Don't think about how hard it would be to leave though. It would be even harder to stay with someone that said things like that.

    P.S. - If you do leave, let that motivate you. Lose it all and then he will see the new you (with a good man) looking all hot while he's at home with "rosey"!
  • rachellepilcher
    rachellepilcher Posts: 95
    I think that we are all in agreement that you should leave this guy. 1.5 years is NOTHING compared to the rest of your life. I was with a guy for 3 years that emotionally/verbally/sexually abusive and I finally got up the guts to leave him and I am so glad I did. I am now happily married for 10 years and have 3 beautiful children. First make sure you contact your family and make arrangements for somewhere to go to and hopefully someone to come to where you are when you do leave for support and assistance. Then sit him down and politely tell him that the 2 of you aren't working out and you feel horrible because of the comments he has said. Leet him know that you WILL NOT live that way any longer. Let him know that you have made arrangements to go somewhere else. Just try to keep your emotions in check even if he blows up. Good luck and God bless.
  • LizaMena
    LizaMena Posts: 47 Member
    you need to separate yourself from this guy. He doesn't love you, he loves his "caricature" of you.. the skinny girl in his head, which has nothing to do with who you are on the inside. It only gets worse as time goes on, never better. Don't subject yourself to that. It's better to cut your losses 1.5 years in than 10 years in. The someone that loves you for who you are is still out there waiting to meet you.. You should never have to put up with or excuse someone that doesn't support you.

    Well said! He needs to love you for you no matter what! Losing weight is a great choice you have made and also a very difficult one that needs lots and lots of support, obviously nothing he's willing to provide!
  • jewelzz
    jewelzz Posts: 326 Member
    You have to listen to what you just said and ask yourself why is this kind of behavior acceptable in your life.in no uncertain terms would I ever have that kind of person in my life.been there done that and what I learned is I had to love me more than I loved him.your to young and to pretty to start your life with this kind of toxic relationship.
  • peanutrenee
    peanutrenee Posts: 179
    tell him that hes a jerk and that u can do better than a verbal abusive little man.. and being with someone that thinks that its ok to put someone down is never EVER ok.. and if he says something like "well atleast im not fat" look at him and say well u know what atleast im beautiful...and pack and leave.. tell him off... my ex use to do this to me, the more you take the more you believe it.. ur life ur right to do what u want.. he has nothing to do with u and ur happiness. he dosnt love you and u need to realize that u shouldnt love him and that sucks but its true... and it will hurt.. and im sorry that this happened hun its not fun..... but were all here for a good support group.. and hey there is someone out there that will love and support you during all the times!!!!:flowerforyou:
  • Kellee_76
    Kellee_76 Posts: 91
    I was married to a guy when I was 20. I am 5'8" and weighed 140 pounds. He was always saying the meanest things to me. He made me feel horrible about myself. Just before our wedding he said that he was imbarresed to walk down the isle with someone as fat as me. I got down to 127 pounds. I figured that if I just lost the weight he would love me more and not be so mean. Well guess what, he was still a jerk and I left him.

    I am now 42 and have been with my hubby for 20 years. I am 221 pounds right now. He has never said anything mean or demeaning at all to me. He loves me. I am sure that deal down he would be more attracted to me ( will be) when I lose the weight.
    My self esteem is still damaged from the first guy though.

    The moral is, once a jerk always a jerk. Is losing your self esteem worth it??

    Yes!!

    RUN RUN RUN and DON'T LOOK BACK!!!!!

    I moved in with my boyfriend and his mom when I was 17. We got married when I was 19. I stayed in a verbally abusive marriage for 10 years. He never laid a hand on me but my self esteem ended up at below zero. It took my mom dying and me getting into therapy to realize that I was in an abusive relationship. Don't wait to get out. Don't worry about how you'll take care of yourself. You'll get by somehow. You'll be better off for it, too.

    I wish I didn't wait so long to leave. The love of my life has been waiting patiently for me all these years. We're getting married in five weeks. He fell in love with me when I was 215 pounds but never said a word. He loved me when we started dating when I was 135 pounds and he loves me even though I'm 175 pounds now. For him, it's never been about the weight. It's always been about me.

    My ex-husband wasn't a bad person, really. He was just broken. I feel sorry for him now. But now I'm not broken and I'm living with and loving someone who's not broken either.
  • patty9013
    patty9013 Posts: 230 Member
    Honey you are beautiful and if he does does that to you now he will always do it even if you lose the weight. Next time it will be somthing else like the way you cook, walk, talk, breathe!! Get out now!! There is someone out there that will love you for you.:smile:
  • dewilliams3
    dewilliams3 Posts: 5
    This is his way of controlling and abusing you. It is just as bad as hitting you and just as hurtful. I agree with the other people that are saying that if he loved you he wouldn't say this. You deserve so much more. It won't be easy. You will need to prepare your support system before you leave, just like an abused wife, but you can do it.
  • sonnacchio
    sonnacchio Posts: 57 Member
    I'm not going to tell you what to do. Only your parents can think they can do that.
    I'm not going to get mad and stomp my feet and yell at you about this. That would be the response of a child.
    I will ask you this...What would any reasonable adult do in this situation? What are the logistics preventing you from doing that? What steps can you take to achieve what it is you want?

    You are important and I believe you knew the answer to your post before you posted it. Be strong and follow through with what you know you need to do.

    Good luck!
  • elitejrb
    elitejrb Posts: 4 Member
    As a loving Husband and Father of two Girls, I would suggest you move on. You deserve respect, it 's one thing to encourage you to live healty to make you life better and longer, and entirly different to disrespect you. You deserve an equal, a bestfriend, person who makes you want to get out of bed and seize life. Don't get me wrong, life is not always perfect and happy, but you really should not start out in the wrong direction. Be healty for YOU! If you don't want to be healty then it will be a constant tension on your relation ship. Good Luck.
  • denitraross
    denitraross Posts: 325 Member
    Leave, and now. You're only 21, you're young and have plenty of time to find someone else. Besides, it's only going to get worse if you stay--if it's this bad now, when the relationship is so new, imagine 5 or 10 years from now how bad it will be. He's changed, and isn't the person you loved anymore. He obviously has some things he needs to work out for himself, and being his verbal/emotional (and, if you stay, probably sooner than later physical) punching bag isn't going to help him or you. You deserve better. Go stay with a family member or friend till you can get move out officially. It'll only get worse.

    I second this!!!!
  • myukniewicz
    myukniewicz Posts: 906 Member
    pack you stuff up, and leave.
    it may be hard to do that, and you may think you can't, or that you love him to much to do that... but guess what, you will be happier once you do!!!
    i was in a relationship like that once.... we were together for 3 and half years, we moved in together and things went south... he became a major @$$hole.... i kept giving the excuse "oh i love him too much"... but you know what, one day i realized ENOUGH IS ENOUGH and i told him to pack up his crap and get the h3ll out.

    it was the best thing i ever did.
    you are a beautiful girl, and you deserve to be happy!!!
    you can do this!!!! do it for yourself!
  • breezymom81
    breezymom81 Posts: 499 Member
    If I were I would offer him one shot at going to counseling, in the mean time get the hell out! Verbal can quickly turn into physical, an abuser is an abuser. It may break your heart but please love yourself enough to not be treated like that! Fat,skinny, whatever you are still the same person he fell in love with if he can't see it then leave. Go to your family for support and have them help you block him from any contact if that is easier for you. Anything to get yourself happy again!! Please feel free to friend me, I would be beyond happy to be a place for you to unload while you figure out what you want to do!
  • fteale
    fteale Posts: 5,310 Member
    1.5 years is nothing. If you feel put down, tell him, and if he doesn't change, leave. No one should be made to feel worthless.
  • jmlitton33
    jmlitton33 Posts: 35 Member
    what an *kitten*. pardon my language. 1.5 years is nothing, get the hell out! if he really did love you, he wouldn't say crap like that. there's no excuse for it. get out while you can, and before the verbal abuse becomes something more. a few months of sadness is worth way more than a lifetime of abuse and regret. get out!!!
  • Triquetra
    Triquetra Posts: 270 Member
    Love = Respect...it's simple, if he doesn't respect you how can he love you...you're young and there are others around that will appreciate you for all your curves (or not if you lose them). You should love what is inside, not just the outside package
  • TheKatzMeow77
    TheKatzMeow77 Posts: 47
    ive been there. you need to put yourself first. verbal/mental abuse is just as bad as physical abuse. you deserve to be happy and to be with someone that does not disrespect you. be strong.
  • alana1966
    alana1966 Posts: 34
    I have been there - I married him! Then divorced him - cut your losses - better now than later. A year and a half is not long - it just seems long at your age. People like that do not change and it will only continue to get worse - often emotional abuse turns to physical abuse later - one is as bad as the other - the emotional scars stay with you long after bruises heal. Don't stay with someone who makes you sad - life is too short - your lives cannot be THAT entwined yet - you are not married, don't own a home together, don't have children - RUN. In life, there IS NO REWIND. That's my two cents - I hope you figure things out.
  • sceck
    sceck Posts: 219
    Think about it like this. Are you losing weight for you or for him? If it's for you, great. If it's for him, great too. But, once you accomplish the weight loss goal, will he have something else to criticize? Only you know the answer to that.
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