Mother rant

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  • mcpostelle
    mcpostelle Posts: 418 Member
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    You should look into the counseling. Do you have any friends or family who would let you sleep on their couch for a bit? What she is doing to you will have long-term effects on you. The sooner you get away from her, the better. You need to take control of how and when you spend time with her. She'll try to guilt and manipulate you, but think about how she is making you feel. Think about how she has made you feel all of those times in the past. Do you really think that she didn't know that she was hurting you, manipulating you, and interfering with your goals for yourself? She does. Her behavior is not appropriate, and if you continue to let her treat you that way then you will have more and more difficulty with overcoming it. She doesn't deserve your guilt. She should feel guilty for treating you this way.

    I agree with 90% of the above. However, I honestly believe it is possible that the OP's mom does NOT know she's hurting her daughter, manipulating her, and interfering with her goals. I think it is highly possible that OP's mom simply fails to see her "child" as an adult with goals and plans and dreams of her own, and instead is tied to a very small vision SHE has for her daughter's future with somehow involves (among other things, I'd assume) weight loss via eating 1 meal per day of foods that she believes are fat burning, healthy, etc. It's horrible yes...and maybe I am naïve for believing this...but I don't necessarily think OP's mom is downright evil. Just toxic!

    You're right seltzermint, that's why I haven't "taken the money and ran" :wink: so to speak. The problem is that I've been an adult since I was 8 years old where she was taking me to business conferences and conventions for networking and such. I learned business etiquette and dress at that age and following it. (She very much wants me to be a lawyer though, but I don't like law and prefer the medical aspect of things) So, this has messed up my view point of what I should be doing and I think it has also messed up the way she sees me. I think to her I'm very much still in the dependent/childhood world with her and I've been reading up on different tactics and been trying them out, but the only way I see this resolving is either moving out or being gone all the time (out of sight/out of mind method). I agree my emotional/physical well being is not worth it and I was in a slump for the past 2 years where I got depressed/unmotivated and gained 90lbs. My mom's wonderful and is always going out of her way to help others, but she seems to forget to help those closest to her. I've read up on this a little and it helped me come to terms with how she acts with me vs my siblings/strangers. I live at home and thus she doesn't "see" me is how various sources described it. It's very accurate though! And I've resolved my bitterness over it. I'm an adult not a child. My life is in my hands, but I am a bit afraid to leave my mother since I've always been there for her (I see her more as a sister than a mother too, but one that I respect a lot). I've also come to realize that she doesn't need me like I previously had conceived in my head. She's an adult too and can take care of herself.
  • aledba
    aledba Posts: 564 Member
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    You should look into the counseling. Do you have any friends or family who would let you sleep on their couch for a bit? What she is doing to you will have long-term effects on you. The sooner you get away from her, the better. You need to take control of how and when you spend time with her. She'll try to guilt and manipulate you, but think about how she is making you feel. Think about how she has made you feel all of those times in the past. Do you really think that she didn't know that she was hurting you, manipulating you, and interfering with your goals for yourself? She does. Her behavior is not appropriate, and if you continue to let her treat you that way then you will have more and more difficulty with overcoming it. She doesn't deserve your guilt. She should feel guilty for treating you this way.

    I agree with 90% of the above. However, I honestly believe it is possible that the OP's mom does NOT know she's hurting her daughter, manipulating her, and interfering with her goals. I think it is highly possible that OP's mom simply fails to see her "child" as an adult with goals and plans and dreams of her own, and instead is tied to a very small vision SHE has for her daughter's future with somehow involves (among other things, I'd assume) weight loss via eating 1 meal per day of foods that she believes are fat burning, healthy, etc. It's horrible yes...and maybe I am naïve for believing this...but I don't necessarily think OP's mom is downright evil. Just toxic!

    You're right seltzermint, that's why I haven't "taken the money and ran" :wink: so to speak. The problem is that I've been an adult since I was 8 years old where she was taking me to business conferences and conventions for networking and such. I learned business etiquette and dress at that age and following it. (She very much wants me to be a lawyer though, but I don't like law and prefer the medical aspect of things) So, this has messed up my view point of what I should be doing and I think it has also messed up the way she sees me. I think to her I'm very much still in the dependent/childhood world with her and I've been reading up on different tactics and been trying them out, but the only way I see this resolving is either moving out or being gone all the time (out of sight/out of mind method). I agree my emotional/physical well being is not worth it and I was in a slump for the past 2 years where I got depressed/unmotivated and gained 90lbs. My mom's wonderful and is always going out of her way to help others, but she seems to forget to help those closest to her. I've read up on this a little and it helped me come to terms with how she acts with me vs my siblings/strangers. I live at home and thus she doesn't "see" me is how various sources described it. It's very accurate though! And I've resolved my bitterness over it. I'm an adult not a child. My life is in my hands, but I am a bit afraid to leave my mother since I've always been there for her (I see her more as a sister than a mother too, but one that I respect a lot). I've also come to realize that she doesn't need me like I previously had conceived in my head. She's an adult too and can take care of herself.
    I was wrong. It's not Stockholm. You're co-dependant.
  • Gidzmo
    Gidzmo Posts: 904 Member
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    You should look into the counseling. Do you have any friends or family who would let you sleep on their couch for a bit? What she is doing to you will have long-term effects on you. The sooner you get away from her, the better. You need to take control of how and when you spend time with her. She'll try to guilt and manipulate you, but think about how she is making you feel. Think about how she has made you feel all of those times in the past. Do you really think that she didn't know that she was hurting you, manipulating you, and interfering with your goals for yourself? She does. Her behavior is not appropriate, and if you continue to let her treat you that way then you will have more and more difficulty with overcoming it. She doesn't deserve your guilt. She should feel guilty for treating you this way.

    I agree with 90% of the above. However, I honestly believe it is possible that the OP's mom does NOT know she's hurting her daughter, manipulating her, and interfering with her goals. I think it is highly possible that OP's mom simply fails to see her "child" as an adult with goals and plans and dreams of her own, and instead is tied to a very small vision SHE has for her daughter's future with somehow involves (among other things, I'd assume) weight loss via eating 1 meal per day of foods that she believes are fat burning, healthy, etc. It's horrible yes...and maybe I am naïve for believing this...but I don't necessarily think OP's mom is downright evil. Just toxic!

    I agree here. Most moms believe that they are being helpful (wanting the best for their children). However, the OP's idea of "best" and her mom's idea of 'best" are not the same.
  • shirochan
    shirochan Posts: 24 Member
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    Going through the same thing with my mother as we speak! I even tried to show her my food and exercise log on here so she would understand that I am indeed watching what I eat and I know what I can have and when. It didn't help. She got mad at me for accusing her of being mean.
  • Liftng4Lis
    Liftng4Lis Posts: 15,150 Member
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    1.) move out
    2.) ignore her
    3.) find a way to pay her so she can't threaten you any more (although she sounds like she would anyway- which brings us back to ...)
    4.) move out

    this^
    +2
  • Madame_Goldbricker
    Madame_Goldbricker Posts: 1,625 Member
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    My dynamics shifted with my mother when I was 16. I started working full time & paid board - At that point you're offering a contribution towards the household upkeep & not classed as just a child living off your parents.

    If you can't afford 45% of your paycheck at least try to come to some agreement. Unless of course you find a viable way to move out. At 21 you are an adult now & in such we have to make adjustments to act accordingly.
  • mcpostelle
    mcpostelle Posts: 418 Member
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    @Cynthia I do "pay rent", but it's in the form of basically being her PA, cleaning the house, and other household mandatory stuff. I do set boundaries, but she will keep on calling me or knocking on my door (she actually broke down my door 2 months ago due to me not answering my door quick enough >.< I was just about to open the door too) until I do what she wants me to do. The only thing to do is to not be home to avoid her. And yes I am a grown adult, 21 years old, but I rely on my parents for car insurance, college, phone bill, housing, and etc. I bought my own car and I pay my own gasoline. Since that was always a power struggle.

    To be brutally honest, OP...I doubt your mom sees you as "paying rent" in any way, shape or form. She probably still views you very much as a dependent child and that could explain a lot of her behavior, although it's certainly incorrect. You do sound very dependent, as you said yourself. I totally understand that your circumstances are somewhat limited by your college career which (rightly) is your top priority right now. So in a nutshell I'd say you're kinda between a rock & a hard place for the next couple of years, unless it's possible for you to slowly take on more of your own expenses through your form of employment to be able to handle say, your phone bill and/or car insurance. Would that be possible for you? I understand that there are many variables at play there and some degrees involve internships, labs, etc, that wouldn't make it possible to work a lot (or at all). When you mentioned your current paycheck (albeit small)...I am curious what you use that for, if your parents still pay for so many of your expenses? I don't mean that as a jab at you, at all. I just think any step toward further independence would help the situation.

    I would strongly hold off on giving your mother a set percentage of your check though because from the sound of it she would just use that to further bind you to the situation. I could be dead wrong -- but from similar situations I have witnessed, I doubt she wants you to EVER move out or become fully independent.


    @seltzermint I do have a 15 year plan, long and short. I can't get a good job with my degree until 2 years from now where I know I would be completely financially independent. Sometimes I feel like it, but no I would drive up to live with my sister whose about 9 hours away. I've already being making my pro's and con's list of what are good plans and bad plans. I can reasonably get another job right now which I plan to save money up in and if she did try to pull anything I would be able to rent a place with the saved up money. Also, the job that I'm looking at I can afford being independent. I just want to make sure my savings are in place before I make a high risk move like that.

    I am very glad to hear that you do have a plan, or plans. I agree that it's smart to get your finances in good order before fleeing the nest...but I also think you may do well to consider your emotional wellbeing over a certain percentage of savings and so on. I guess by that I just mean, opt for moving out sooner rather than later. I've known some people who waited so long to move out of their parents' home because they believed it was just easier to stay there...not always true. Of course you have to be practical when it comes to the financial side of things but I think psychologically it would put a lot of unnecessary stress on you to think in terms of "escape plan". When you mentioned a back-up plan to move out "in case she did try to pull anything"...to me that sounds like you do not feel totally stable and safe in your home, and like your mom has all of the control of the situation. That is not a good way to live long term, it will eat away at you and you deserve to feel secure.

    About the "paying rent", that's why I've decreased how much I was doing for her/the house. I work part-time, but I've been pulling a lot of overtime and I go to school full-time. She's stay at home; so, as I view it I can't take all the responsibility. I've been taking control of my expenses slowly, but surely. Since I live in a rural-ish area, car was first on my list. I've already cut back my medical and I've been paying for half of my college so far. My paycheck goes towards gas, my groceries, car maintenance/repair, college, and books (destressors!!!). Getting the other job would give me benefits and a higher pay. I make above minimum wage, but with gas costs and other that's down the drain fast. I already told her she's not getting any of my paycheck since I want independence not dependence. I've already lent her a sum of money and it was supposed to be for a home repair, I asked her about it a week later and she had already spent it on something unnecessary. I'm not getting into that cluster again. :noway:
  • daydreams_of_pretty
    daydreams_of_pretty Posts: 506 Member
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    I really think you should move out. It takes some initiative, but you can do it. I worked fulltime and went to school fulltime. I got out before you did and it still took me pretty much all of my 20's (I'm 29) to deal with all of the emotional baggage.
  • mcpostelle
    mcpostelle Posts: 418 Member
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    Everyone has really good replies and I thank you guys for taking time to read and reply! :bigsmile: I really appreciate the outside perception. Sometimes, we get so focus on this and that, that it's best to step back and put on another pair of goggles so to speak. I also appreciate those who've taken the time to friend request me! Divided we fall, together we stand.
  • seltzermint555
    seltzermint555 Posts: 10,741 Member
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    Just from curiosity after all of these posts...is there a father/male figure in the family? Does your mother have a partner?
  • mcpostelle
    mcpostelle Posts: 418 Member
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    @seltzermint just checked this thread again to get refreshed; so, sorry for the late reply. Yes, I do and he lives in the house, but whereas my mother's very outgoing; he's very laid back and oblivious of things. I can sometimes get support from him, but it's only monetary and not emotional. All his emotional support goes to my mother.

    Update: I am finishing up this semester in school (Dec. 8th is the last day) and am moving in with my sister sometime in December. I will be applying to many different schools around where she lives in order to prolong staying with her - if I can't feasibly get into one come August 1st I will be back near my parents.
  • healthygreek
    healthygreek Posts: 2,137 Member
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    mcpostelle wrote: »
    @seltzermint just checked this thread again to get refreshed; so, sorry for the late reply. Yes, I do and he lives in the house, but whereas my mother's very outgoing; he's very laid back and oblivious of things. I can sometimes get support from him, but it's only monetary and not emotional. All his emotional support goes to my mother.

    Update: I am finishing up this semester in school (Dec. 8th is the last day) and am moving in with my sister sometime in December. I will be applying to many different schools around where she lives in order to prolong staying with her - if I can't feasibly get into one come August 1st I will be back near my parents.
    I've been following this thread and I'm happy for you that you're moving in with your sister! You will have a much better life that way. I hope you don't have to go back to mom and dad-that is a very unhealthy situation!
    Good luck!!!
  • mcpostelle
    mcpostelle Posts: 418 Member
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    healthygreek wrote: »
    mcpostelle wrote: »
    @seltzermint just checked this thread again to get refreshed; so, sorry for the late reply. Yes, I do and he lives in the house, but whereas my mother's very outgoing; he's very laid back and oblivious of things. I can sometimes get support from him, but it's only monetary and not emotional. All his emotional support goes to my mother.

    Update: I am finishing up this semester in school (Dec. 8th is the last day) and am moving in with my sister sometime in December. I will be applying to many different schools around where she lives in order to prolong staying with her - if I can't feasibly get into one come August 1st I will be back near my parents.
    I've been following this thread and I'm happy for you that you're moving in with your sister! You will have a much better life that way. I hope you don't have to go back to mom and dad-that is a very unhealthy situation!
    Good luck!!!

    Thanks for your support. :smile: I had always been putting off moving away for this reason or that, but I came to terms that in order to live a healthy life I have to say good-bye. I've already told them that I'm moving and they don't seem to care less, but we'll see how it goes when I'm actually packing to go. I honestly don't think I'm going to be coming back to where my parents are. Especially since there's so many schools around where my sister lives - I have more options. I'm even thinking of moving another 7 hours away to finish my degree so it'd be a total of 17 hours away, but I love where she lives so I'll see where life lets me roll.

    I'll update again when I actually move out.

  • mcpostelle
    mcpostelle Posts: 418 Member
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    Update, I take back what I said about them being okay with it. Their claws are starting to come out and her tactic has changed to wining and dining me with slight guilt tripping. Still not staying. ;)
  • pirate_john_75
    pirate_john_75 Posts: 96 Member
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    I had to set some firm boundaries with my mother on this issue. I basically told her flat out, my weight is none of your &$%#@ business and if you want to continue being able to talk to me, you'll stop judging me."
  • FitOldMomma
    FitOldMomma Posts: 790 Member
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    mcpostelle wrote: »
    I've been keeping my weight-loss and exercise habits secret from my mother since she's just... :grumble:. I try to avoid going out with her even though I am heavily dependent on her and love her. She's just very supportive-ly abusive. For an example, we will go out shopping for "2 hours", but it is in actuality a full-day's worth of boring, looking at the same things over and over, shopping. Hence, I don't get to eat. So, when I do finally convince her to eat and she picks a place we'll sit down to be served (FYI she believes in eating ONE meal a day whereas, I've been eating 6 SMALL meals a day - so going out with her messes my eating schedule up and yes I bring snacks, but I eat them when she's not looking). If she does see me eating my snack then she want them (or she'll eat them all in one go and there's none left for me :ohwell: ) and will get mad if I tell her that they're my allotment for today.

    This is when the trap starts. She'll ask what I'm getting and it doesn't matter if I say I'm getting the BBQ Texas burger or the House Salad with grilled chicken; she will always mention how fat I am and how I should get *insert another meal*. I've learned to just ignore her, but then I have to put up with her condescending glances at me while I'm eating. Quite frankly it's stressful and now that I'm of age I've been thinking about ordering shots of whatever they've got. However, I won't let my myself sink that far and there's no way in hell I'll let her drive my car (did that once and she smashed front end to front end with another car not a minute from the house. Granted it wasn't my car, my car, but it was given to me to use by my grandpa to keep. So, technically mine. :wink:

    Now imagine that every time I go into the kitchen to get something to eat or drink. It drives me up the wall. I am also a science major; so, I'm already stressed out to the max.:explode: When I defend myself and we get into rows she always threatens to kick me out and yesterday she demanded that I give her 45% of my paycheck (I really don't make that much to be able to split it). Any advice on how to handle it other than ignoring her like I have been? I'm looking for a second job (night shift at a hospital near me);so, that I can be A, away from her, and B, more financially independent and hopefully able to rent a place near my college. However, I'm worried with working night shifts her being passive aggressive and purposefully wanting to go out early in the morning and such. I'm really motivated to get this weight off and I want a healthy lifestyle (and less stress). :smile: I'm tired of excuses and I'm close to telling her the next time she kicks me out "fine" and sleeping in my car. I've started packing my stuff once before and she came up once she realized what I was doing crying and saying she was sorry. I stopped, but next time I won't.

    Go for counseling if available to you. Your mother sounds pretty toxic, but honestly, you sound co-dependent. If you really want to make real changes in your life, get some good counseling to give you the tools you need to make those changes.

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