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1600 Calorie diet!? Seriously?
Chaotic_Weevil
Posts: 199 Member
Guys, I'm pretty new here but it's obvious that I know way more than anyone else here so it's time to bust out some mad advice yo.
I've noticed a really disturbing trend of MFPers eating a varying amount of calories. Most seem to be anywhere between 1500 and 2500 cals. Why are you doing this to yourselves?
It's a well documented fact that you have to eat exactly 1641.35 calories everyday. Regardless of gender, height, weight, activity level or personal preference. If you eat any other amount you will immediately enter starvation mode and die.
While I have your rapt attention and obviously your unerring faith in everything I have to say, I'll let you in on a few other hard and fast rules that you absolutely must not disobey, or else you will be subjected to a Vorgon poetry reading and also die.
1. Drink a lemon every morning. It takes some getting used to and passing it is generally uncomfortable but if you don't your metabolism will forget to work
2. Only eat lean protein and vegetables. Do not ever eat any other food group.
3. In fact, don't even look at other food groups.
4. If you look at a cheese, you will die.
5. Don't eat any fat or oil. Oil is for cars. You're not a car are you?
6. Please ignore the above rule if you are in fact, a car and/or robot
7. Except for you, Megatron. You d*ck.
Don't try to debate this or anything. I obviously know better than all of you.
I've noticed a really disturbing trend of MFPers eating a varying amount of calories. Most seem to be anywhere between 1500 and 2500 cals. Why are you doing this to yourselves?
It's a well documented fact that you have to eat exactly 1641.35 calories everyday. Regardless of gender, height, weight, activity level or personal preference. If you eat any other amount you will immediately enter starvation mode and die.
While I have your rapt attention and obviously your unerring faith in everything I have to say, I'll let you in on a few other hard and fast rules that you absolutely must not disobey, or else you will be subjected to a Vorgon poetry reading and also die.
1. Drink a lemon every morning. It takes some getting used to and passing it is generally uncomfortable but if you don't your metabolism will forget to work
2. Only eat lean protein and vegetables. Do not ever eat any other food group.
3. In fact, don't even look at other food groups.
4. If you look at a cheese, you will die.
5. Don't eat any fat or oil. Oil is for cars. You're not a car are you?
6. Please ignore the above rule if you are in fact, a car and/or robot
7. Except for you, Megatron. You d*ck.
Don't try to debate this or anything. I obviously know better than all of you.
-5
Replies
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Tinabob777 wrote: »hahahahaha! Nicely done
Why are you laughing? You must be delirious from starvation. Go eat 25% more calories right now.
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im 6'5, 228 and have lost 113lbs and i have mostly lived on a 1600 cal diet + burning 1000 a day with weights and cardio. I know your post is just joking, but it actually can be done.-1
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*snort*
Thank you for the giggle
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This is true sadly, I looked at a cheese today and died :ccc r.i.p me0
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Chaotic_Weevil wrote: »Guys, I'm pretty new here but it's obvious that I know way more than anyone else here so it's time to bust out some mad advice yo.
I've noticed a really disturbing trend of MFPers eating a varying amount of calories. Most seem to be anywhere between 1500 and 2500 cals. Why are you doing this to yourselves?
It's a well documented fact that you have to eat exactly 1641.35 calories everyday. Regardless of gender, height, weight, activity level or personal preference. If you eat any other amount you will immediately enter starvation mode and die.
While I have your rapt attention and obviously your unerring faith in everything I have to say, I'll let you in on a few other hard and fast rules that you absolutely must not disobey, or else you will be subjected to a Vorgon poetry reading and also die.
1. Drink a lemon every morning. It takes some getting used to and passing it is generally uncomfortable but if you don't your metabolism will forget to work
2. Only eat lean protein and vegetables. Do not ever eat any other food group.
3. In fact, don't even look at other food groups.
4. If you look at a cheese, you will die.
5. Don't eat any fat or oil. Oil is for cars. You're not a car are you?
6. Please ignore the above rule if you are in fact, a car and/or robot
7. Except for you, Megatron. You d*ck.
Don't try to debate this or anything. I obviously know better than all of you.
Crap I've eaten 1641.78 cals today - I'm off for a liquid detox and colon cleanse.0 -
Great advice. Thank you for helping me see the light.0
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TastesLikeBurning wrote: »Interesting. My first question is, is it Vorgon or Vogon poetry? I could only find Vogon poetry on wikapedia and it is described as the third worst poetry in the universe. My second question is, are we suppose to measure our calories in metric or standard? My third question is, what is the alternative for cheese, because I love cheese? Thanks.
*mutters* stupid iphone with it's stupid autocorrect ruining my references
Measure your calories in parsecs. Duh.
The alternative to cheese is chicken breast and steamed broccoli. You can write "cheese" on it in marker pen if that helps.
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TastesLikeBurning wrote: »Interesting. My first question is, is it Vorgon or Vogon poetry? I could only find Vogon poetry on wikapedia and it is described as the third worst poetry in the universe. My second question is, are we suppose to measure our calories in metric or standard? My third question is, what is the alternative for cheese, because I love cheese? Thanks.
Cauliflower
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Ha!! This post is a copy of a 2013 post from a person who was actually serious - I love the sarcasm chaotic weevil - you troublemaker!!0
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I'm sure my ex mother in law used to suck on a lemon each morning........explains why she could never lose weight!0
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TastesLikeBurning wrote: »
That helps me out tremendously, thanks! Last question, Megatron is kind of an ok dude and a good receiver for the Detroit Lions, why is he a d*ck?
Megatron knows what he did.
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Can I measure my calories in parsnips?Chaotic_Weevil wrote: »
*mutters* stupid iphone with it's stupid autocorrect ruining my references
Measure your calories in parsecs. Duh.
The alternative to cheese is chicken breast and steamed broccoli. You can write "cheese" on it in marker pen if that helps.
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PurringMyrrh wrote: »Can I measure my calories in parsnips?
Parsnips are technically dairy. That's why they call it "the cheese of the ground"
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And 1641.35 calories seems a bit excessive. I halve that and wear plastic wrap/cling film under my track suit all day.0
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TastesLikeBurning wrote: »
You're both wrong. They should be measured in furlongs.
No, carbs are measured in furlongs. As I suspected this place is full of morons and I am the only educated person here. *sigh*
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TastesLikeBurning wrote: »
You're both wrong. They should be measured in furlongs.
No, carbs are measured in furlongs. As I suspected this place is full of morons and I am the only educated person here. *sigh*PurringMyrrh wrote: »And 1641.35 calories seems a bit excessive. I halve that and wear plastic wrap/cling film under my track suit all day.
Noooo! Plastic wrap has chemicals! Wrap yourself in fish instead.
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What about raspberry ketones?0
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pepperpat64 wrote: »What about raspberry ketones?
Raspberries are actually a meat so they're fine,0 -
Best. Posting. Ever.0
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This may be my favorite post on this entire site. Great advice, OP! It's about time someone dropped some knowledge on these fools!You can write "cheese" on it in marker pen if that helps.
My effing sides!
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TastesLikeBurning wrote: »
You're both wrong. They should be measured in furlongs.
Well that's nice of him!
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Thank you oh intelligent one. I bow to your greatness. Loved it.0
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What about I drink beer with my carbs, I learned today that beer negates everything?
Also thanks for this sound advice, saved me going wrong and dying unnecessarily *phew0 -
MarziPanda95 wrote: »This is true sadly, I looked at a cheese today and died :ccc r.i.p me
I ate cheese and lived.. What does this mean?0
This discussion has been closed.
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