1600 Calorie diet!? Seriously?

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135

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  • Chaotic_Weevil
    Chaotic_Weevil Posts: 199 Member
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    blktngldhrt wrote: »
    Chaotic_Weevil wrote: »
    blktngldhrt wrote: »
    MarziPanda95 wrote: »
    This is true sadly, I looked at a cheese today and died :ccc r.i.p me

    I ate cheese and lived.. What does this mean?
    Obviously you were hallucinating as a result of not drinking enough lemon water. Your brain is probably full of toxins

    Crap. I'm out of lemon. Is lime a proper substitute?
    blktngldhrt wrote: »
    Chaotic_Weevil wrote: »
    blktngldhrt wrote: »
    MarziPanda95 wrote: »
    This is true sadly, I looked at a cheese today and died :ccc r.i.p me

    I ate cheese and lived.. What does this mean?
    Obviously you were hallucinating as a result of not drinking enough lemon water. Your brain is probably full of toxins

    Crap. I'm out of lemon. Is lime a proper substitute?

    Absolutely not. Lime is a fruit. Fruit is not allowed.
  • Tiernan1212
    Tiernan1212 Posts: 797 Member
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    Chaotic_Weevil wrote: »
    headofphat wrote: »
    Chaotic_Weevil wrote: »
    Guys, I'm pretty new here but it's obvious that I know way more than anyone else here so it's time to bust out some mad advice yo.

    I've noticed a really disturbing trend of MFPers eating a varying amount of calories. Most seem to be anywhere between 1500 and 2500 cals. Why are you doing this to yourselves?

    It's a well documented fact that you have to eat exactly 1641.35 calories everyday. Regardless of gender, height, weight, activity level or personal preference. If you eat any other amount you will immediately enter starvation mode and die.


    While I have your rapt attention and obviously your unerring faith in everything I have to say, I'll let you in on a few other hard and fast rules that you absolutely must not disobey, or else you will be subjected to a Vorgon poetry reading and also die.

    1. Drink a lemon every morning. It takes some getting used to and passing it is generally uncomfortable but if you don't your metabolism will forget to work
    2. Only eat lean protein and vegetables. Do not ever eat any other food group.
    3. In fact, don't even look at other food groups.
    4. If you look at a cheese, you will die.
    5. Don't eat any fat or oil. Oil is for cars. You're not a car are you?
    6. Please ignore the above rule if you are in fact, a car and/or robot
    7. Except for you, Megatron. You d*ck.


    Don't try to debate this or anything. I obviously know better than all of you.

    I see what you did there. Courtesy laugh aimed right at you.
    FYI..I looked at cheese. Is there a chance of survival?

    Yes, rinse your eyes with lemon water.

    Wait. I thought water was deadly as well, and we're just supposed to drink a lemon.

    And are sandwiches still out?

  • pepperpat64
    pepperpat64 Posts: 423 Member
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    Chaotic_Weevil wrote: »
    pepperpat64 wrote: »
    What about raspberry ketones?

    Raspberries are actually a meat so they're fine,

    "Raspberry Meattones" is a great name for a band.

  • Misshodge64
    Misshodge64 Posts: 8,588 Member
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    Well I.eat 1600 but I just want to lose three pounds, and no I am being sarcastic:-)
  • melduf
    melduf Posts: 468 Member
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    I live in a different time zone. Is it still 1641.35 calories???

    Also, I don't believe in lemons.
  • MikeyOreo
    MikeyOreo Posts: 11
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    Chaotic_Weevil wrote: »
    Guys, I'm pretty new here but it's obvious that I know way more than anyone else here so it's time to bust out some mad advice yo.

    I've noticed a really disturbing trend of MFPers eating a varying amount of calories. Most seem to be anywhere between 1500 and 2500 cals. Why are you doing this to yourselves?

    It's a well documented fact that you have to eat exactly 1641.35 calories everyday. Regardless of gender, height, weight, activity level or personal preference. If you eat any other amount you will immediately enter starvation mode and die.


    While I have your rapt attention and obviously your unerring faith in everything I have to say, I'll let you in on a few other hard and fast rules that you absolutely must not disobey, or else you will be subjected to a Vorgon poetry reading and also die.

    1. Drink a lemon every morning. It takes some getting used to and passing it is generally uncomfortable but if you don't your metabolism will forget to work
    2. Only eat lean protein and vegetables. Do not ever eat any other food group.
    3. In fact, don't even look at other food groups.
    4. If you look at a cheese, you will die.
    5. Don't eat any fat or oil. Oil is for cars. You're not a car are you?
    6. Please ignore the above rule if you are in fact, a car and/or robot
    7. Except for you, Megatron. You d*ck.


    Don't try to debate this or anything. I obviously know better than all of you.

    Genuinely I couldn't tell even still half way through that if it was sarcastic or not :disagree:
  • Chaotic_Weevil
    Chaotic_Weevil Posts: 199 Member
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    Tiernan1212 wrote: »
    Chaotic_Weevil wrote: »
    headofphat wrote: »
    Chaotic_Weevil wrote: »
    Guys, I'm pretty new here but it's obvious that I know way more than anyone else here so it's time to bust out some mad advice yo.

    I've noticed a really disturbing trend of MFPers eating a varying amount of calories. Most seem to be anywhere between 1500 and 2500 cals. Why are you doing this to yourselves?

    It's a well documented fact that you have to eat exactly 1641.35 calories everyday. Regardless of gender, height, weight, activity level or personal preference. If you eat any other amount you will immediately enter starvation mode and die.


    While I have your rapt attention and obviously your unerring faith in everything I have to say, I'll let you in on a few other hard and fast rules that you absolutely must not disobey, or else you will be subjected to a Vorgon poetry reading and also die.

    1. Drink a lemon every morning. It takes some getting used to and passing it is generally uncomfortable but if you don't your metabolism will forget to work
    2. Only eat lean protein and vegetables. Do not ever eat any other food group.
    3. In fact, don't even look at other food groups.
    4. If you look at a cheese, you will die.
    5. Don't eat any fat or oil. Oil is for cars. You're not a car are you?
    6. Please ignore the above rule if you are in fact, a car and/or robot
    7. Except for you, Megatron. You d*ck.


    Don't try to debate this or anything. I obviously know better than all of you.

    I see what you did there. Courtesy laugh aimed right at you.
    FYI..I looked at cheese. Is there a chance of survival?

    Yes, rinse your eyes with lemon water.

    Wait. I thought water was deadly as well, and we're just supposed to drink a lemon.

    And are sandwiches still out?

    That goes without saying. Don't say the 's' word. ****wich corp is still tracking my online activity.
  • Chaotic_Weevil
    Chaotic_Weevil Posts: 199 Member
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    MikeyOreo wrote: »
    Chaotic_Weevil wrote: »
    Guys, I'm pretty new here but it's obvious that I know way more than anyone else here so it's time to bust out some mad advice yo.

    I've noticed a really disturbing trend of MFPers eating a varying amount of calories. Most seem to be anywhere between 1500 and 2500 cals. Why are you doing this to yourselves?

    It's a well documented fact that you have to eat exactly 1641.35 calories everyday. Regardless of gender, height, weight, activity level or personal preference. If you eat any other amount you will immediately enter starvation mode and die.


    While I have your rapt attention and obviously your unerring faith in everything I have to say, I'll let you in on a few other hard and fast rules that you absolutely must not disobey, or else you will be subjected to a Vorgon poetry reading and also die.

    1. Drink a lemon every morning. It takes some getting used to and passing it is generally uncomfortable but if you don't your metabolism will forget to work
    2. Only eat lean protein and vegetables. Do not ever eat any other food group.
    3. In fact, don't even look at other food groups.
    4. If you look at a cheese, you will die.
    5. Don't eat any fat or oil. Oil is for cars. You're not a car are you?
    6. Please ignore the above rule if you are in fact, a car and/or robot
    7. Except for you, Megatron. You d*ck.


    Don't try to debate this or anything. I obviously know better than all of you.

    Genuinely I couldn't tell even still half way through that if it was sarcastic or not :disagree:

    Well I'm glad you eventually realised how serious I am

  • Timshel_
    Timshel_ Posts: 22,841 Member
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    Chaotic_Weevil wrote: »
    Guys, I'm pretty new here...

    Not+easy+to+ignore+you+all+know+its+the+true_814d27_3680164.jpg




  • neandermagnon
    neandermagnon Posts: 7,436 Member
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    All the Homo erectuses died because they didn't know how to eat exactly 1641.35 calories every day, and so could not evolve into Homo sapiens. Therefore none of us exist and the internet is a giant super-computer built by some alien race and none of us really exist, we just think we do because Jean Paul Sartre.
  • shutch2112
    shutch2112 Posts: 236 Member
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    This is one of the best things I've read all day. I love you, OP.
  • Strange_magic
    Strange_magic Posts: 370 Member
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    I'm confused. What about gluten?
  • scottroubik
    scottroubik Posts: 1
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    Lost my interest at "mad advice yo"
  • Misshodge64
    Misshodge64 Posts: 8,588 Member
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    scottroubik wrote: »
    Lost my interest at "mad advice yo"

    Maybe she is from the East Coast, she seems like a tough young lady that lays it all on the table
  • shortntall1
    shortntall1 Posts: 333 Member
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    In order to curb my sweet tooth, I bathe in pure Maine maple syrup 2x a week. If you get the sugar through osmosis, there are no calories.
  • silver_arrow3
    silver_arrow3 Posts: 1,373 Member
    edited November 2014
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    .
  • silver_arrow3
    silver_arrow3 Posts: 1,373 Member
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  • shortntall1
    shortntall1 Posts: 333 Member
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    Also, playing Candy Land wreaks havoc on my blood glucose levels.
  • PurringMyrrh
    PurringMyrrh Posts: 5,296 Member
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    Chaotic_Weevil wrote: »
    TastesLikeBurning wrote: »
    PurringMyrrh wrote: »
    Chaotic_Weevil wrote: »
    TastesLikeBurning wrote: »
    Interesting. My first question is, is it Vorgon or Vogon poetry? I could only find Vogon poetry on wikapedia and it is described as the third worst poetry in the universe. My second question is, are we suppose to measure our calories in metric or standard? My third question is, what is the alternative for cheese, because I love cheese? Thanks.

    *mutters* stupid iphone with it's stupid autocorrect ruining my references

    Measure your calories in parsecs. Duh.

    The alternative to cheese is chicken breast and steamed broccoli. You can write "cheese" on it in marker pen if that helps.
    Can I measure my calories in parsnips?

    You're both wrong. They should be measured in furlongs.

    No, carbs are measured in furlongs. As I suspected this place is full of morons and I am the only educated person here. *sigh*
    PurringMyrrh wrote: »
    And 1641.35 calories seems a bit excessive. I halve that and wear plastic wrap/cling film under my track suit all day.


    Noooo! Plastic wrap has chemicals! Wrap yourself in fish instead.
    All I can find is an XXL natural sausage casing that smells like chevre, will this suffice?

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