I'm exhausted.
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chekur
Posts: 10 Member
Alright, just some back story - I've been "dieting" on and off since I was 12. Since then I've developed both a disordered way of eating (even though I technically have an actual binge eating disorder it's really hard for me to accept that diagnosis so there you go) and an incredibly unhealthy view of my own body and eating and exercise. I've managed to attach a morality to food that I don't want to be there. Unfortunately, I don't really know how to disassemble that part of my life, either.
I went through about two years of my life just gaining weight and not caring at all (thanks, chronic depression), which means I'm 50 lbs heavier than a weight I didn't feel comfortable to begin with. Every time I look in the mirror, despite my mental health being in a much better, despite having survived wanting to kill myself and despite how proud of myself I should feel for all of those things, I see that weight, and I remember why it was there, and it hurts.
I know how to lose weight. I do. I've done it in many an incredibly unhealthy way (fad dieting, eating under 1100 calories when I'm 5'7" and shouldn't be eating that little, etc). I've been trying so hard lately to just slowly lose the weight, to be gentle with myself and go slow. Since April I've lost maybe 10 lbs overall. But it's not coming off fast enough. I'll be doing well, and then things will stall. I'll be eating about 1400 calories a day, low carb and high vegetable and protein, and then I'll go for two weeks struggling to keep my calories under 1800.
I think the hardest part for me right now is just that I'm tired. I know how to do this. I know what I SHOULD be doing. But I'm tired. It's been 14 years of this and I feel like a failure and an idiot and pathetic but I'm so exhausted with this whole process. And I guess I don't really know what to do with myself anymore.
I went through about two years of my life just gaining weight and not caring at all (thanks, chronic depression), which means I'm 50 lbs heavier than a weight I didn't feel comfortable to begin with. Every time I look in the mirror, despite my mental health being in a much better, despite having survived wanting to kill myself and despite how proud of myself I should feel for all of those things, I see that weight, and I remember why it was there, and it hurts.
I know how to lose weight. I do. I've done it in many an incredibly unhealthy way (fad dieting, eating under 1100 calories when I'm 5'7" and shouldn't be eating that little, etc). I've been trying so hard lately to just slowly lose the weight, to be gentle with myself and go slow. Since April I've lost maybe 10 lbs overall. But it's not coming off fast enough. I'll be doing well, and then things will stall. I'll be eating about 1400 calories a day, low carb and high vegetable and protein, and then I'll go for two weeks struggling to keep my calories under 1800.
I think the hardest part for me right now is just that I'm tired. I know how to do this. I know what I SHOULD be doing. But I'm tired. It's been 14 years of this and I feel like a failure and an idiot and pathetic but I'm so exhausted with this whole process. And I guess I don't really know what to do with myself anymore.
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Replies
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You say you're tired. Is it tired of restricting or physically tired? Are you under the care of a dr or therapist?0
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Tired of restricting. I am under the care of a doctor, haven't seen a therapist for a while. My doctor suggested an eating disorder therapy group, but I balked at that. I feel like mine doesn't really count, sometimes.0
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Is staying where you are and maintaining through the holidays something you would be able to let yourself do?
It can be hard to go to a group because of a number of reasons
- I'm not as bad as them so why am I waiting their time with silly things
- I should be able to do this since in my head I know what needs to be done
- If I seek others help it will make this real
- And so on
I strongly suggest going to group. This is a place where people share things that have and have not worked for them. You may get new ideas to try. Above all you have a safe place to share you're experiences!0 -
Tired of restricting. I am under the care of a doctor, haven't seen a therapist for a while. My doctor suggested an eating disorder therapy group, but I balked at that. I feel like mine doesn't really count, sometimes.
Of course it counts! It is hindering you from being happy. Pursue therapy because you deserve it. I know it's not easy. It never is. As far as the exhaustion, just keep telling yourself your body is using it's energy to heal. You need to heal from the inside out. It will take time to see outer results, but it will be worth it in the long run. Hope others have more advice for you, too!0 -
Tired of restricting. I am under the care of a doctor, haven't seen a therapist for a while. My doctor suggested an eating disorder therapy group, but I balked at that. I feel like mine doesn't really count, sometimes.
You have a issue but feels as though it is not severe enough. I guess I get that. I think it is a mindset that can be worked on.
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You post made me sad, you are drop dead gorgeous, and to have such low feelings suck, but i get it. Its not always whats happening on the outside anyway. Not surprised you are exhausted your body and mind have been under constant conflicts for years hun.
You need to be kinder to yourself. x0 -
pinkiezoom wrote: »You post made me sad, you are drop dead gorgeous, and to have such low feelings suck, but i get it. Its not always whats happening on the outside anyway. Not surprised you are exhausted your body and mind have been under constant conflicts for years hun.
You need to be kinder to yourself. x
Yeah, THAT, too!0 -
I think OP what can help you is to finally release everything that you have bottle up with someone who you care about in life. Your mind is all over the place and until you get help with that the body might not be able to follow. If it comes out with tears so be it.0
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Let me ask you ? Have you been exercising? If not start slow. Go for a walk (yes I know it's cold. But it can be inspiring going for a walk out in the fresh air)
Do you do your own grocery shopping meal planning and cooking?
I find the process therapeutic and it really has helped my relationship with food
And finally. STOP looking in the mirror if it bothers you.
Take progress pics once every two months so you can be encouraged instead of discouraged in the mirror
(I hate the mirror too you are not alone)
Do you have any questions for any of us? We are all on here to help each other.0 -
You guys all have written such sweet and helpful responses. I'm a little overwhelmed today but I'm going to try to answer everyone tomorrow. I just didn't want anyone to think I was ignoring their reply.0
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ThePhoenixIsRising wrote: »Is staying where you are and maintaining through the holidays something you would be able to let yourself do?
It can be hard to go to a group because of a number of reasons
- I'm not as bad as them so why am I waiting their time with silly things
- I should be able to do this since in my head I know what needs to be done
- If I seek others help it will make this real
- And so on
I strongly suggest going to group. This is a place where people share things that have and have not worked for them. You may get new ideas to try. Above all you have a safe place to share you're experiences!
I'm considering it. I think it's gotten to the point where I can't do this alone anymore. Which is hard to admit in and of itself. I need some kind of support system somewhere.
And I think maintaining through the holidays would be nice but... I have to be in a wedding party in February and I'm so uncomfortable where I am now. It'd be nice to lose at least 15 pounds by then.Tired of restricting. I am under the care of a doctor, haven't seen a therapist for a while. My doctor suggested an eating disorder therapy group, but I balked at that. I feel like mine doesn't really count, sometimes.
Of course it counts! It is hindering you from being happy. Pursue therapy because you deserve it. I know it's not easy. It never is. As far as the exhaustion, just keep telling yourself your body is using it's energy to heal. You need to heal from the inside out. It will take time to see outer results, but it will be worth it in the long run. Hope others have more advice for you, too!
Thank you for your advice, it really is good advice. I need to get better at my self talk. I'm so hard on myself, to the point of really hindering my own journey. It's getting bad and I don't want it to get worse.pinkiezoom wrote: »You post made me sad, you are drop dead gorgeous, and to have such low feelings suck, but i get it. Its not always whats happening on the outside anyway. Not surprised you are exhausted your body and mind have been under constant conflicts for years hun.
You need to be kinder to yourself. x
You're so sweet, thank you. I think being kinder to myself is probably the overall theme, but it's something I'm so out of practice with.yopeeps025 wrote: »I think OP what can help you is to finally release everything that you have bottle up with someone who you care about in life. Your mind is all over the place and until you get help with that the body might not be able to follow. If it comes out with tears so be it.
You're right. Honestly, I need a safe space where I can do that more frequently because I don't bottle my feelings away very well as it is.Let me ask you ? Have you been exercising? If not start slow. Go for a walk (yes I know it's cold. But it can be inspiring going for a walk out in the fresh air)
Do you do your own grocery shopping meal planning and cooking?
I find the process therapeutic and it really has helped my relationship with food
And finally. STOP looking in the mirror if it bothers you.
Take progress pics once every two months so you can be encouraged instead of discouraged in the mirror
(I hate the mirror too you are not alone)
Do you have any questions for any of us? We are all on here to help each other.
I haven't been exercising. It's so much easier for me in warmer weather, as I like being outside and walking. There was a point where I was walking about 5km almost daily and i loved it. Of course, now it's bitterly cold, so my motivation is a bit shot. I have access to a gym at my school, but it's a little intimidating. Mostly I need to be doing something fun as my exercise so that I can sort of forget I'm exercising.
I do all my own grocery shopping/meal planning/cooking and generally that works out pretty well for me. Despite having a really unhealthy food outlook I love cooking and grocery shopping SO much. I grew up on a farm so local, fresh foods are my everything.
I want to take progress pictures for sure. It's just going to be easier for me to gauge my progress that way.
In terms of any questions I have... I suppose I'm just wondering the best way to eat during the day. Because I've spent a lot of time very sure that I know how to eat, but maybe I've so confused and distorted food and what it does for me that I'm wrong, you know?
Here's my typical day:
BREAKFAST:
1 english muffin
1 tbsp peanut butter (natural)
1/2 cup organic vanilla yogurt
2 tbsp low-sugar jam
LUNCH:
butternut squash soup
2 whole grain slices of bread
2 tsp Becel
2 slices cheddar
1 medium apple
DINNER:
1 burrito bowl (rice, tons of baby spinach, tomatoes, corn, black beans, salsa, and a bit of guacamole)
SNACK:
frozen yogurt (chocolate)
popcorn (if i have calories to spare)
This is a good day, and it usually adds up to about 1400 calories, which is my daily goal. On a bad day, however, there's no structure. Lunch might be skipped, and then I'm starving, so, for example, I eat TWO burrito bowls, which throws me up to 1600-1700. Then I snack more, etc. The most frustrating thing is I know these things are the wrong things to do when I'm doing them. I also really need to plan my dinners better, I think.0 -
I kind of know how you feel about the yo yo dieting, I have started my new plan about 4 weeks ago and I am down 15 lbs; first of all I agree you need to love yourself enough to say enough is enough, I am doing this for ME only and I want to get healthy, for me, I have had a lot of deaths in the family this year, so I have come to realize life is way too short...I am on medication for being diabetic which can be controlled with diet and exercise, so I choose that route, I want to get off my medications...but most of all I want to feel great about myself...I started doing the "State of Slim" diet by Dr. Holly Wynatt; she is amazing...this book which I purchased on Amazon at a fraction of the cost...it just makes perfect sense to me and it is working, I am finally getting results! Check it out...http://www.stateofslim.com/ and good luck to you!0
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You can easily lose 15lbs by February just by a combination of sensible dieting and exercise. What worries me more is that your belief system and you ability to think things through clearly or focus is all a bit traumatised considering your previous experiences.
Thats where you have to start off by getting a mindset that will work for you and can keep you on the path you need to follow, possibly inspite of yourself.
You are going to have an honest look at the situation and some of that might involve things youd rather not think about, but you need a coping strategy so it doesnt come and derail you down the line. Get some mfp friends and let them help keeping you to a sensible plan. Good preparation will mean you can answer most of the questions before you begin and it should give you more direction.0 -
You can easily lose 15lbs by February just by a combination of sensible dieting and exercise. What worries me more is that your belief system and you ability to think things through clearly or focus is all a bit traumatised considering your previous experiences.
Thats where you have to start off by getting a mindset that will work for you and can keep you on the path you need to follow, possibly inspite of yourself.
You are going to have an honest look at the situation and some of that might involve things youd rather not think about, but you need a coping strategy so it doesnt come and derail you down the line. Get some mfp friends and let them help keeping you to a sensible plan. Good preparation will mean you can answer most of the questions before you begin and it should give you more direction.
You're right. I don't think I'll be able to do anything productive in terms of getting healthy and losing weight if I don't focus on mending my mindset. Hopefully creating a community of support for myself here will really help - you all have been so helpful already.
I do need to plan better. I follow plans really well when I make the time to do them, and I LOVE routine and structure, surprisingly enough.
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so.. you're tired of doing it the wrong way all this time and now you're ready to do it the right way?0
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This is a good day, and it usually adds up to about 1400 calories, which is my daily goal. On a bad day, however, there's no structure. Lunch might be skipped, and then I'm starving, so, for example, I eat TWO burrito bowls, which throws me up to 1600-1700. Then I snack more, etc. The most frustrating thing is I know these things are the wrong things to do when I'm doing them. I also really need to plan my dinners better, I think.
It sounds more like you need to plan your lunches better! I can't skip a meal without outrageous consequences...so I make really sure that I have food when and where I need it to be. And I tell people, hey I need to eat or I'm about to be no good to anyone.
But also, it's not WRONG if you skip a meal and then overcompensate. It's not optimal, it's counter to your goals, etc etc, but it's not wrong. Eating is not moral, unless you literally took some food from a baby and ate it. So next time you're feeling that shame, think of something that actual bad people do and compare it to what you're doing. Ate an extra burrito bowl vs kicked a puppy...had a late night snack vs bilked poor people out of their savings on a Ponzi scheme...etc...
Also, this might be a weird suggestion, but have you thought about a tattoo to celebrate the amazing steps you've taken in support of your mental and emotional health? Something positive that you could see in the mirror that might redirect away from the negative stuff you see? Just a random thought. Or even decorate the mirror with positive notes and affirmations of how far you've come, and how INFINITELY much better it is to be an emotionally healthy overweight person than a skinny suicidal person. BTDT and I know how easy it is to discount those accomplishments.
You've done great, you will continue to do so.
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you need to love yourself more than you love the feeling food gives you. Therapy helps sometime life is bigger than you can manage on your own. It is OK own it and get help no excuses!0
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Hi! I added you last night! I went through 4 years of anorexia and bulimia and I KNOW how hard it is to want to and try to restrict. I ended up somewhat recovering a bout of bulimia by just keeping in binges so I don't have cravings, but that made me end up restricting even worse later on.
Do you go to a gym? Or able to sign up to one?
I recovered earlier this year and started weight training. I can eat whatever I want and my body will use it up due to the muscle I've built. Cardio is not the best for getting fit because you mostly only burn energy during the workout. Weight training (and gaining muscle mass) help use up your calories during workout AND afterwards. Muscle uses more energy so you'll burn more calories throughout the day doing nothing.
I REALLY recommend it. I recently bought a resistance band set, which mimics weight training. I scored a 12-piece resistance band set for only $29 on Amazon. Mine hasn't arrived yet (should come in tomorrow or so), so if you do end up getting this we could totally make exercise plans and work out "together"
I know you're tired, but know that you don't have to restrict to lose weight or become fit. Just make better choices, even if you eat the same amount as you do now. Chips? How about unbutter popcorn instead? Cookies? Why not some organic granola and almond milk? You can do it 0
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