Advice to help my very obese sister!
mearsy88
Posts: 87 Member
I need help..... Well I need advice to help my sister with her weight.
My sister lives at home with my parents. She's 24 years old and has a part time job at McDonalds and spends most her time sat on her computer and eating food. I don't know how much she weighs but I do know 3 years ago I was helping her buy 30/32 size clothing, and I know she must be bigger than that now. I'm not super close to my sister. Actually our family is not close. We like to be around each other but we don't tell everyone everything.we are all quite independent It's just how we roll, always been like that.
I moved out 3 years ago with my partner somewhere which is 3 and half hour drive from home , and my brother did the same around the same time but to another country! So I don't see my family as much as I can but I do try. I've come home for 5 days and I'm currently on day 4. In those 4 days my sister has been out at least 3 times to buy junk food. I said to her I thought she was doing slimming world (which she is!) and she said she hates it when people say that as it makes her angry and wants to buy more food!
She has a boyfriend. They have been together since they were 16. He's different though, still lives with parents, stick thin, and has a half decent job but he couldn't support them both. He is the one who drives her around to get food. It's as if he doesn't want to help her.
She needs to sort her life out otherwise she isn't going to be around much longer. I don't know how to say it to her or even help her as I'm that far away.
Any help is appreciated
My sister lives at home with my parents. She's 24 years old and has a part time job at McDonalds and spends most her time sat on her computer and eating food. I don't know how much she weighs but I do know 3 years ago I was helping her buy 30/32 size clothing, and I know she must be bigger than that now. I'm not super close to my sister. Actually our family is not close. We like to be around each other but we don't tell everyone everything.we are all quite independent It's just how we roll, always been like that.
I moved out 3 years ago with my partner somewhere which is 3 and half hour drive from home , and my brother did the same around the same time but to another country! So I don't see my family as much as I can but I do try. I've come home for 5 days and I'm currently on day 4. In those 4 days my sister has been out at least 3 times to buy junk food. I said to her I thought she was doing slimming world (which she is!) and she said she hates it when people say that as it makes her angry and wants to buy more food!
She has a boyfriend. They have been together since they were 16. He's different though, still lives with parents, stick thin, and has a half decent job but he couldn't support them both. He is the one who drives her around to get food. It's as if he doesn't want to help her.
She needs to sort her life out otherwise she isn't going to be around much longer. I don't know how to say it to her or even help her as I'm that far away.
Any help is appreciated
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Replies
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I hate to say this but your sister has to find motivation within herself. Since you're not close I doubt if anything you say to her will be taken as anything but criticism and like you posted above, she will become angry and defensive. My suggestion is to start by fostering a better relationship with her, and use your own success as an example and inspiration to her. She doesn't need anyone to tell her she's overweight- she knows that. She doesn't even need anyone to tell her what she needs to do to lose it because I'm sure she knows that too. But if you, even over long distance, attempt to have a relationship with her, she will see you becoming healthier as you're losing and exercising, and maybe you can inspire her to do the same.0
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I wouldn't bring up about Slimming World, as I'd probably react very similarly to your sister - I wouldn't like to be reminded I'm not following their principles as I'd feel angry and guilty too. Maybe you could suggest some activities you could do together that allow you to spend time with each other but would have a positive impact? Could go walking or perhaps she likes swimming.
It's not her boyfriend's job to police her eating habits. She's a grown woman. She won't do it until she's ready. All you can do is be receptive when that happens.0 -
Agree with the above. Make a relationship with your sister, become closer to her, and invite her for healthy dinners without ANY EMPHASIS on it being healthy or on her weight. Make healthy the normal when you and your sister hang out. You can only hope that she'll take your example you're showing up as her own.0
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Totally agree with the two comments above. Try to build on your relationship and try to encourage healthy habits and encourage her to move more without being critical. She has to want to do this. Im facing something similar with my daughter so I know how frustrating and worrying it is for you but you cant do it for her.0
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As dramaqueen said... There isn't really anything you can do to FORCE her to help herself. Saying something like "I thought you were doing x or y to lose weight?" will definitely make her upset or defensive, which is the opposite of what you want for her.
I also have a sister who is severely obese. I myself was very overweight before (I'm commenting from my husband's account, my username is SusieQ_1994 and I'm too lazy to log in to comment from there
) and when I lost so much weight, I wanted her to feel amazing and light and healthy, like me! So I pushed and encouraged and she went along half-heartedly... But once I got married she didn't keep up the habits and gained back what she lost, and then some.
Recently, she became inspired herself--I can't really tell you what caused her switch, I really don't know, but her switch was triggered. Now, she weighs and logs every bite of her food, works out on an exercise bike, and is well on her way to getting healthier. I'm SO PROUD of her... But there was nothing I could do to make her do all of that until SHE wanted to and she was ready to do so.0 -
You can't do a darn thing. You sister needs to want to lose weight, not you wishing she can lose weight. If you start to bother her about it, you will not get the desired effect. Also threatening her with "statistics" won't help either. She has to be sick and tired of being sick and tired. Now when\if she decides that she wants to lose weight, let her come to you.
Also, your sister knows that she is overweight, so not one has to tell her. Well meaning people are always trying to "help" by informing the overweight person that they are overweight, like that person has no idea. Denial does not mean, not aware.0 -
Thanks! Seriously those 3 comments I agree with. I know she knows she has to lose weight, and she knows what to do, but she starts these things for like a couple of weeks then goes completely off track.
Baby steps right????? Build a relationship with her first?
I really want to try and do this together. Can I just be asking her how slimming world is going and try to motivate her with that? I've done slimming world before and lost 3 stone. She's seen my mum lose 5 stone on it (as you can tell we aren't a small family!) I found that I got bored with slimming world and then found MFP!0 -
I need help..... Well I need advice to help my sister with her weight.
My sister lives at home with my parents. She's 24 years old and has a part time job at McDonalds and spends most her time sat on her computer and eating food. I don't know how much she weighs but I do know 3 years ago I was helping her buy 30/32 size clothing, and I know she must be bigger than that now. I'm not super close to my sister. Actually our family is not close. We like to be around each other but we don't tell everyone everything.we are all quite independent It's just how we roll, always been like that.
I moved out 3 years ago with my partner somewhere which is 3 and half hour drive from home , and my brother did the same around the same time but to another country! So I don't see my family as much as I can but I do try. I've come home for 5 days and I'm currently on day 4. In those 4 days my sister has been out at least 3 times to buy junk food. I said to her I thought she was doing slimming world (which she is!) and she said she hates it when people say that as it makes her angry and wants to buy more food!
She has a boyfriend. They have been together since they were 16. He's different though, still lives with parents, stick thin, and has a half decent job but he couldn't support them both. He is the one who drives her around to get food. It's as if he doesn't want to help her.
She needs to sort her life out otherwise she isn't going to be around much longer. I don't know how to say it to her or even help her as I'm that far away.
Any help is appreciated
It's her business not yours. I agree bringing up slimming world is rather insensitive, allow her to find what she needs to focus and find her own way.
Do you not think she realizes she's overweight? Always amazed when a 'friend' or family member comes on here and wants to help someone and wonders if they know how fat they are. Yes, we do know how fat we are... we don't need to be reminded. Sounds like she's got a focus and using Slimming World perhaps she's stressed out and emotionally eating her feelings while you're visiting.
Let her be, you've mentioned you're not close... so help from you won't come from a good place to her.
I see a quote from your own profile : "I joined MFP a while ago, and basically haven't lost any weight but put it on," So perhaps you might not be the person to best help her after all. When she sees you succeed (without you putting it in her face of course) she may be quite motivated. We all find our way in various manners... it's not usually someone else pushing us though, least it's never worked for anyone I know.
Good luck to you on your weight loss.
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Tell her caloric deficit.0
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I said to her I thought she was doing slimming world (which she is!) and she said she hates it when people say that as it makes her angry and wants to buy more food!
Yeah, emotional eater. There's nothing you can say. She'll have to correct her thinking about food on her own.
Best you can do is live well. Maybe you'll be a positive example. That's valuable, just more subtle.
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Hearts_2015 wrote: »
I see a quote from your own profile : "I joined MFP a while ago, and basically haven't lost any weight but put it on," So perhaps you might not be the person to best help her after all. When she sees you succeed (without you putting it in her face of course) she may be quite motivated. We all find our way in various manners... it's not usually someone else pushing us though, least it's never worked for anyone I know.
Good luck to you on your weight loss.
^^ This. When she wants to lose the weight she will on her own.
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My only advice is lead by example.0
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When My brother says something like " aren't you doing so-and-so diet" when I eat something he does not think is healthy for me it does not motivate me rather it makes me feel like I am failing and want to give up even trying. Maybe, if your sister is trying something already, it would be best not to say anything unless she asks you about it.0
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I agree with several other posts on this one. I too have obese sisters and mother. There is nothing I can say or do to motivate them. It all comes from within. I ask if they want to go for walks, sign up for fun runs or other healthy activities. Don't get discouraged if you are told no, or to mind your own business. You are trying to be positive but there is nothing you can do for them, they have to do it themselves. Try to be a good example and invite her to do some healthy things.0
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You can't make anyone do something they don't want to. One day I woke up and decided enough was enough and admitted I was the ONLY person who could change me. So I started. It is sad to see the ones we love be miserable or struggle with health and self image issues. But all we can do is love them.
I had to find people who really supported my mission to discuss my successes with because I didn't want to rub it in my family's face. To some degree I feel like they resent me for having success. But I don't talk about it. If they ask me stuff I answer. But I did stop offering my time to them and friends (like going to the gym with them) because most people go on a week or two kick and then bail. And they try to bring you down with them. This is my life's journey and legacy.....I take it very seriously.
Sorry bit of a rant there....but anyways. Best of luck and know that you are not alone. Develop a relationship with your sister if you can. But we are all given our own life to live for a reason....we can't make choices and decisions for others.0 -
I have the same situation in my family. Most of my family is obese. You can't change other people. Until they find it within themselves to make the change, things will stay the way they are. As for her boyfriend...maybe he loves her for who she is, and doesn't want to change her? My fiance loved me while at my heaviest point, and he loves me now as I'm taking steps to get healthy...but never once did he suggest eating differently or working out. I made the decision on my own, and he supports me. Change comes from within.
I do, however, agree with the advice from above. Invite her over for dinner, and choose a healthier option without the emphasis that it's healthier. Begin to build a relationship with your sister. At that point, you may be in a better standing to help - if she's willing to accept it.0 -
thanks for the advice guys! Didn't realise I was that stupid. It's just frustrating and sad to see her struggle with everyday life. She struggles to get off a chair, walk up the stairs.
How long will it be until she does want to lose the weight0 -
She's not ready. If she was ready, she'd do what it takes to lose weight.
The only thing YOU can do, is to set a good example. That being said, don't try laying out hints for her, or confronting her directly, or anything of that sort. Oftentimes what your intentions are have the opposite effect. They will feel like they're 'not good enough' and unfortunately turn to what 'comforts' them, such as food... making the situation even worse.
Just be a positive influence and focus on you, and if/when she's ready, be there with an open ear and ready to give her advice if she asks for it.0 -
People who are obese are already ashamed to face anyone else. When others emphasize their obesity, it more than likely it will make them resentful for any advice.
This one's gotta be on her to make the move. What's it gonna take? Could be anything. A health scare, an inspiration, and injury, etc., but it's just going to be something that motivates her to make the attempt.
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I need help..... Well I need advice to help my sister with her weight.
My sister lives at home with my parents. She's 24 years old and has a part time job at McDonalds and spends most her time sat on her computer and eating food. I don't know how much she weighs but I do know 3 years ago I was helping her buy 30/32 size clothing, and I know she must be bigger than that now. I'm not super close to my sister. Actually our family is not close. We like to be around each other but we don't tell everyone everything.we are all quite independent It's just how we roll, always been like that.
I moved out 3 years ago with my partner somewhere which is 3 and half hour drive from home , and my brother did the same around the same time but to another country! So I don't see my family as much as I can but I do try. I've come home for 5 days and I'm currently on day 4. In those 4 days my sister has been out at least 3 times to buy junk food. I said to her I thought she was doing slimming world (which she is!) and she said she hates it when people say that as it makes her angry and wants to buy more food!
She has a boyfriend. They have been together since they were 16. He's different though, still lives with parents, stick thin, and has a half decent job but he couldn't support them both. He is the one who drives her around to get food. It's as if he doesn't want to help her.
She needs to sort her life out otherwise she isn't going to be around much longer. I don't know how to say it to her or even help her as I'm that far away.
Any help is appreciated
I agree with many others in that your sister has to want to help herself. you can't make her. you can show her your healthy habits and hope that she asks you to help. that's as far as you can go.
I feel for you, though. I would want to do whatever i could to get her to be healthy.0 -
There is no timeline on how long it will be before she wants to lose the weight. For my fiance's brother, it was a life-changing diagnosis at the doctor. For me, it was the day that my favorite jeans didn't fit. For my uncle, the day has yet to come. It really depends on the person.0
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Her life, her time. You aren't close enough to tell her what she already knows. This is not a problem of lack of information.
I like all the suggestions to build a relationship first. That can be YOUR goal.
Concentrate on reinforcing everything about her that is positive and strong. Ignore the weight; that's a symptom.0 -
i would NOT ask her how "so and so diet" is going, as others have said. when SHE brings it up, you can ask. not until then.0
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