Man advice please!

SexyHealthyFit175
SexyHealthyFit175 Posts: 64 Member
edited November 8 in Chit-Chat
So about 4-5 months ago I ran into an old friend that I have not seen in about 10 or so years. We used to hang out occasionally and chat a lot (we worked at the same place at the time) but we never were anymore than friends b/c he was already in a relationship and we never crossed the line.

For the past few months we have been seeing each other 1-2 times per week and we text most days and talk on the phone when we can. when we do get on the phone its hours and hours of good conversation.

we have a good time together, we laugh a lot, play lots of table games, cook together etc. and most of all my children just love him!

here's the thing, he has mentioned a few times that he does not trust easily and he's pretty much been hurt before.

we are at the point now where I feel we should be taking it to the next level and see what happens but he has not mentioned anything to me. I have told him how I feel about him, but he's never told me his feelings. he hints things here and there but nothing official with words.

I'm patient and don't want to rush b/c great things take time, but I want to know if it's worth it.

Here are some things that worry me though:

I've never met his friends or family.. even though he's been around mine
we spend majority of our time at my place, not really in public
he's never invited me over to his place although I know he lives along b/c we talk a lot and no one is ever there. (I hope)
he's very private.. never answers questions about himself but occasional he might let something slip
his phone rings so much that when he comes over he just turns it off or leaves it in the car (I don't really make a big deal b/c we are not together)
he has a HORRIBLE reputation when it comes to the ladies... I've heard about him jumping from woman to woman but never sticking around with just one for a long time.

My thing is, I don't see this person. I know he has a past but I feel like why would a man continue to want to stick around and make plans with someone he only wanted one thing from? I know he cares a lot about me but I don't want to be a dummy either.
I've asked him and he really never answers, but then he will do something really sweet like write me a poem or cook me dinner etc.

what do I do???? Let it go or see what happens?

by the way he's about 12 years older than myself
and he's is a scorpio... (love me some scorpios)
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Replies

  • SnuggleSmacks
    SnuggleSmacks Posts: 3,731 Member
    Way too many red flags for me. I prefer to be with someone who truly wants me, and makes it clear, and is proud of it. Fortunately, I found mine...I would personally advise waiting for yours, because this guy clearly is not it.
  • Msfenae
    Msfenae Posts: 17 Member
    It seems as if he is not telling you anything by not telling you anything. Men usually say what they mean and mean what they say. So if you have informed him of your feelings and he still doesnt share his that would bother me to the point of me questioning why doesnt he admit to anything. And as far as you talking to him and havent met any friends nor family and you believe he lives by himself.. dont make assumptions.. in this day and age his spouse/girlfriend or significant other could be working on a different shift. Dont assume anything. Ask direct questions and expect direct answers.
  • jgnatca
    jgnatca Posts: 14,464 Member
    I think you are describing a commitment-phobe. As long as you continue this relationship, you won't get the commitment you deserve. If he values his privacy so much you can invite him go continue his single live..alone..in his own home.
  • Unknown
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  • SnuggleSmacks
    SnuggleSmacks Posts: 3,731 Member
    If you have to have "the talk" at all, chances are he's not that into you. If he were, it would be blatantly obvious. You would have no doubt.
  • PRMinx
    PRMinx Posts: 4,585 Member
    You need to flat out ask him what's up, because that's a lot of red flags.

    Also, I would stop involving your kids. If they grow attached to him and he turns out to be playing you, that's going to suck. You probably shouldn't bring men around your kids that haven't at the very least established they want to be in a relationship with you.
  • Msfenae
    Msfenae Posts: 17 Member
    I agree PRMINX.
  • SexyHealthyFit175
    SexyHealthyFit175 Posts: 64 Member
    There's a lot to really think about here. Thank you all for your input! It's greatly appreciated
  • jmt08c
    jmt08c Posts: 343 Member
    Just FYI I used to pull that phone trick too when I wasn't in a relationship-trust me it's not his guy friends calling and texting, it's all the other women he has thinking they're his main girl...
  • gemmamummy
    gemmamummy Posts: 185 Member
    edited December 2014
    Just wanted to say, and don't shoot me for saying it; why are you introducing a man to your kids if you are not sure where it is going. I've got a son and I wouldn't let him meet anyone unless we were in a committed relationship, its not fair on them. Secondly, if a friend described her boyfriend to you like this, what advice would you give her? You'd probably tell her he was slippery and to back off. Follow your gut feeling its normally right :-)
  • SexyHealthyFit175
    SexyHealthyFit175 Posts: 64 Member
    Oh....well that's definitely good to know! I had a feeling about that one
  • SexyHealthyFit175
    SexyHealthyFit175 Posts: 64 Member
    gemmamummy wrote: »
    Just wanted to say, and don't shoot me for saying it; why are you introducing a man to your kids if you are not sure where it is going. I've got a son and I wouldn't let him meet anyone unless we were in a committed relationship, its not fair on them. Secondly, if a friend described her boyfriend to you like this, what advice would you give her? You'd probably tell her he was slippery and to back off. Follow your gut feeling its normally right :-)



    I am not going to shoot you for asking a question.
    I will explain that even if nothing ever happens between us, I hope to keep him as a friend. Even though we have not talked in a long time, we have known each other for a long time. WE come from the same church home etc. and he already knows my family b/c we all worked for the same company. My children know all of my friends and I have no issue with it. Now if I was romantic in front of my children then it better be a relationship or my husband I am hugging on. I will continue to allow them to spend time b/c at the end of the day we are still friends, and my kids still spend time with all of my friends male and female. We have a very social life :) Thanks for asking though!!

    And a friend described her boyfriend like this I wouildnt know what to tell her, otherwise I wouldn't be on here :)

  • EZDUZIT68
    EZDUZIT68 Posts: 1,168 Member
    He very well could be a genuinely nice guy, but by what you're describing he appears to be hiding something.

    I don't want to be nosy or insult you, but there's one major thing you didn't mention about your relationship: the "physical" aspect.

    If you are "with him" regularly (meaning every time you see him) then I'd say he's keeping you separated from the rest of his life; on the other hand if you haven't been intimate (or only once or twice over the past few months) then it wouldn't seem he's looking for "one thing" and it could be any number of reasons why he's acting this way.

    No matter how you slice it, you should follow your instinct - which seems to be telling you that something isn't right with him and your relationship.
  • SexyHealthyFit175
    SexyHealthyFit175 Posts: 64 Member
    EZDUZIT68 wrote: »
    He very well could be a genuinely nice guy, but by what you're describing he appears to be hiding something.

    I don't want to be nosy or insult you, but there's one major thing you didn't mention about your relationship: the "physical" aspect.

    If you are "with him" regularly (meaning every time you see him) then I'd say he's keeping you separated from the rest of his life; on the other hand if you haven't been intimate (or only once or twice over the past few months) then it wouldn't seem he's looking for "one thing" and it could be any number of reasons why he's acting this way.

    No matter how you slice it, you should follow your instinct - which seems to be telling you that something isn't right with him and your relationship.


    It's no problem. We aren't getting "physical" and yes my instinct is trying to tell me something.
  • 999tigger
    999tigger Posts: 5,235 Member
    Talk to him face up and see how he handles it. At some stage the patience and good will runs out and he should do you the courtesy of being straight and honest with you. There are a lot of red flafs that could be something or nothing, bit you sound as though you wnat some of them cleared up. Just have an open mind and be prepared you might not like what you find. Give it 3 months of hes prepared to give it a go and see what happens.

    He might not just be ready for anything more than you have or he might just not be that into you. Dont spend too long waiting imo.
  • SexyHealthyFit175
    SexyHealthyFit175 Posts: 64 Member
    999tigger wrote: »
    Talk to him face up and see how he handles it. At some stage the patience and good will runs out and he should do you the courtesy of being straight and honest with you. There are a lot of red flafs that could be something or nothing, bit you sound as though you wnat some of them cleared up. Just have an open mind and be prepared you might not like what you find. Give it 3 months of hes prepared to give it a go and see what happens.

    He might not just be ready for anything more than you have or he might just not be that into you. Dont spend too long waiting imo.

    Thanks for the feedback. You are right!
  • SexyHealthyFit175
    SexyHealthyFit175 Posts: 64 Member
    Yikes! He was definitely no good!
  • yopeeps025
    yopeeps025 Posts: 8,680 Member
    edited December 2014
    jmt08c wrote: »
    Just FYI I used to pull that phone trick too when I wasn't in a relationship-trust me it's not his guy friends calling and texting, it's all the other women he has thinking they're his main girl...

    Yeah kind of this. What he got to hide if he ain't playing other chicks. You say one time thing OP. What if he wants FWB?
  • tmm_0127
    tmm_0127 Posts: 545 Member
    Yeah, he sounds like trouble. :(
  • mccindy72
    mccindy72 Posts: 7,001 Member
    Since the most important component to any solid relationship is communication, and you don't seem to have any good communication going on in this one, it certainly is not time to 'take it to the next level'. It sounds like it's time to take a step back. Unless he's willing to talk to you and be open and honest, you need to move on.
  • kailibertsch
    kailibertsch Posts: 139 Member
    It sounds like he is married or committed to someone else.
  • Bonustools
    Bonustools Posts: 56 Member
    jmt08c wrote: »
    Just FYI I used to pull that phone trick too when I wasn't in a relationship-trust me it's not his guy friends calling and texting, it's all the other women he has thinking they're his main girl...

    I used to be guilty of this behavior and I hated it about myself and a few other things it sounds like he's doing that I used to do. Believe me he is trouble. It goes beyond not wanting to let someone in, rather he's keeping you out.
  • yopeeps025
    yopeeps025 Posts: 8,680 Member
    kailibertsch wrote: »
    It sounds like he is married or committed to someone else.

    committed to a starting five. OP just sounds like the star player so she gets more playing time.
  • laura2813
    laura2813 Posts: 84 Member
    I have a lot of guy friends and yes it is OK to keep this guy as a friend but make sure your kids know that this is just a friend relationship. Believe me.... I've been there!!!
    If he's that good of a friend I would keep him as a friend and keep him at arms length. Move on to someone that can commit to you and your kids and give you what you deserve. That doesn't mean shut him out by all means but it seems like you are settling for less than you want from someone.
    I've been in the exact same situation and my guy friend would do anything for me if I called and ask. I would do the same. I'm now married and since we kept this relationship as friends my husband and his girlfriend don't have issues with us chatting from time to time. PLEASE!!! Look for someone that can commit and give you what you deserve.
  • SexyHealthyFit175
    SexyHealthyFit175 Posts: 64 Member
    laura2813 wrote: »
    I have a lot of guy friends and yes it is OK to keep this guy as a friend but make sure your kids know that this is just a friend relationship. Believe me.... I've been there!!!
    If he's that good of a friend I would keep him as a friend and keep him at arms length. Move on to someone that can commit to you and your kids and give you what you deserve. That doesn't mean shut him out by all means but it seems like you are settling for less than you want from someone.
    I've been in the exact same situation and my guy friend would do anything for me if I called and ask. I would do the same. I'm now married and since we kept this relationship as friends my husband and his girlfriend don't have issues with us chatting from time to time. PLEASE!!! Look for someone that can commit and give you what you deserve.

    Thanks you, this was really good to read/hear. I appreciate it!
  • Butrovich
    Butrovich Posts: 410 Member
    Dump him. Find someone who WILL let you into his life.
  • richardositosanchez
    richardositosanchez Posts: 260 Member
    If he feels the need to hide things from you then that's a major red flag. This guy sounds shady to me. Dump him and move on.
  • vanillacoffee
    vanillacoffee Posts: 1,024 Member
    I would say it's a lot of red flags. While it's true that he might not want just one thing, the fact that he's not opening up to you, and p much actively hiding things from you, makes me think he has things to hide. I'm sorry to say that, but it does sound shady. Whatever you decide to do, look out for yourself first!
  • SexyHealthyFit175
    SexyHealthyFit175 Posts: 64 Member
    I definitely will! Thabks everyone :)
  • SexyHealthyFit175
    SexyHealthyFit175 Posts: 64 Member
    Thanks I mean!
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