Ever feel like you're being sabotaged?
DeannaLD13
Posts: 20 Member
Hey all! I don't post much but something is bothering me and I really don't have anyone to talk to. Everytime I see my MIL she criticizes my weight loss. I'm 5'5" and weigh 150. I've lost 45 lbs. in the last 10 months and I'm hoping to lose about 10 more lbs. DH is also doing this and has lost 50 lbs. We're looking at this as a complete lifestyle change. We're healthier now, feel better, eating right and doing lots of physical things.
Anyway, everytime I see my MIL she says things like "I'm really sorry but you look too skinny". Also she's told me a couple times "You look hungry." I tell her that I'm not hungry, I'm eating. I feel hurt that there are never any positive comments. I'd love to hear "You look fantastic and are doing a great job!" "Keep up the good work!" etc.
Any advice?
Anyway, everytime I see my MIL she says things like "I'm really sorry but you look too skinny". Also she's told me a couple times "You look hungry." I tell her that I'm not hungry, I'm eating. I feel hurt that there are never any positive comments. I'd love to hear "You look fantastic and are doing a great job!" "Keep up the good work!" etc.
Any advice?
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Replies
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Jealousy is an ugly, ugly thing.
I would tell her flat out to be quiet and mind her own business.0 -
just smile & change the subject, or smile & walk away ..... do not engage in conversation about weight loss, food, exercise, etc ....0
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I'm sure you hear positive things from other people. Quit needing to hear them from your MIL. If she ever does come around, that'll be awesome but it probably isn't going to happen. Don't let it bother you. You're doing a great job and you look fantastic!
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I wouldn't hold your breath for someone to say the things you want them to say (or want to hear).
If she's being a jerk, let it remain that there be only one jerk in the room and not 2.0 -
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DeannaLD13 wrote: »
People who haven't experienced it first-hand, don't understand it.0 -
No.0
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It's a complicated thing when we change. Often, others are not comfortable with it as it brings their own choices into question, because they are insecure. I have come across the attitude that your MIL is displaying, but thankfully not from members of my own family. People have told me not to lose any more weight, that I am thin, that I will look gaunt, etc. This is rubbish as I am 5'7'' tall and 156lb and anything but thin and gaunt. In the next breath, they ask me how I did it!
It reminds me of when I gave up alcohol and how many people I knew did not like that at all. People like you to make the same choices as them to validate their own choices. You look great to me. Your MIL is in the wrong. Rise above it and remember - I as a reader understand the journey you have travelled as I am on it - I respect you for it. However, most people out there neither understand nor care about our journey. They have no right to comment, but they will anyway.0 -
just tell her you are following a healthy lifestyle and you are happy with the way you are.and leave it at that..0
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I think it's difficult when you seek approval from people who will probably never give it. I have this problem with my Grandmother. When I saw her last Christmas she had no problem telling me how chubby I was looking and she has made many off hand negative comments about my weight in the past. So this year I was excited to see her and impress her with my loss, and of course she did not say anything at all! Some people are just always going to be negative, and there's nothing we can do about it.0
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Jealousy doesnt look pretty on your MIL. I bet that is very hurtful that you and your husband have been putting so much work into changing your lifestyles and you hear negativity from someone who SHOULD be supportive . Congrats to the both of you!! Your MIL obviously is just a jealous jerk and instead of being upset, which i know is so hard, just straight up tell her, "no mil im not hungry and i dont appreciate hearing this from you over and over. I know my body and i know when i am hungry. Btw my dr thinks my weight is on track and agrees with me on losing ten more lbs." Good luck...
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Yep. I just ignore them and keep on track.0
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DeannaLD13 wrote: »I'd love to hear "You look fantastic and are doing a great job!" "Keep up the good work!" etc.
Any advice?
Tell yourself these things ("You look fantastic.") Print out a sign and put it over a mirror or by the front door so you see it often.
Also, thank your body for doing a good job and taking care of you.
(Sorry if it sounds weird, but being thankful is part of my yoga practice and it helps others too sometimes.)0 -
"Jealousy doesn't look pretty on you" Say this to her the next time she makes a comment about the way you look. . . . Love this comment from amanda0919900
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First congrats on your progress! Awesome. Self-affirmation and visualizations can go a long way to let that stuff just wash over you and not internalize... If you keep seeing in your mind how you want to feel and look and you feel good and are living healthy, that's really what matters anyway.
When I was a kid my father used to tell me I had weak biceps - it was joke but one that really stuck with me - now I am getting fit and it doesn't really matter - though he of course doesn't say it anymore....
Anyway just stay focused on knowing that you are following the path that's right for you, and internalize your sense of success from having stuck with it and followed through.
You should feel great about this, you have come too far to let anyone's silly comments or own hangups get in your way.
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my mother criticized me about my weight also, I lost it and she never said anything positive. Yep, some people are just negative. I do it for myself and try to get around positive people especially the gym.0
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"Jealousy doesn't look pretty on you" Say this to her the next time she makes a comment about the way you look. . . . Love this comment from amanda091990FatFreeFrolicking wrote: »Jealousy is an ugly, ugly thing.
I would tell her flat out to be quiet and mind her own business.
Not these unless you plan to have an uncomfortable relationship with her or plan not to see her anymore!
Every time she makes these comments say what the other poster said-my doctor wants me to be at this weight for health reasons so I'd rather not discuss this anymore dear mil.
Or you can be vulnerable and say, it hurts my feelings when you say these things, dear mil, please stop!
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DeannaLD13 wrote: »
Honestly just do what verptwerp says.
Your alternative is to sort ot out properly with MIL but you have no guarantee of success. You want some sort of validation from her and it doesnt look like shes prepared to give it. You need to get over it and feel glad you have done it yourself rather than getting a medal from her. I understand the hurt feelings, but think you are being a bit needy and overly sensitive, Does her opinion really matter? you know you have done a good thing for you, but sometimes people are like that. No reason to think why you need her approval.0 -
DeannaLD13 wrote: »
Sounds like you are looking for her approval more than you are looking for compliments.
Shake it off. You may never get it, so don't try to pry it out of her or get disappointed if you don't get it. If she's going to give it, she will, if she doesn't, that's on her not a reflection of you in any way.
It also may be that she is feeling self conscious about herself. Is she overweight? Maybe she is trying to assuage her own guilt about not doing something about her own health. Again, that's her deal, not yours.
Just keep doing what you are doing. If you are getting healthier and you are happy with your progress and results, who cares what other people think.
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MY MIL is SOOO happy I have lost weight that it makes me wonder.....is that all she cares about? Her son's fat wife was that big of an issue for her? Yet, she will also tell me to "keep it up..still more to do." UGH!
All I can say is let the feelings pass through you, but don't eat or drink to try to feel better. Remember, food is fuel and nothing else.
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Don't try to fix your MIL.
Fix your partner - it's HIS job to fix your MIL.
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Thanks so much for your comments, everyone! Lots of great ideas and advice which has helped me sort this out. It hasn't caused me to eat or drink, etc. We went to the gym this morning and walked outside this afternoon. I definitely won't confront her as it's just not worth causing trouble over. She's not overweight and actually quite frail and 80 yrs. old.0
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As pointed out your issues about your need for approval and not weight loss.0
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DeannaLD13 wrote: »Thanks so much for your comments, everyone! Lots of great ideas and advice which has helped me sort this out. It hasn't caused me to eat or drink, etc. We went to the gym this morning and walked outside this afternoon. I definitely won't confront her as it's just not worth causing trouble over. She's not overweight and actually quite frail and 80 yrs. old.
This is life IMO. My MIL is lovely and we get along better than I do with my Mom, but she still nags DH about stuff that's insignificant but upsetting at the same time. I find that as long as DH and I are on the same page, we can roll out eyes, complain a bit, then move on.
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To some people of her generation, weight loss equals illness. She may truly be concerned that you and your DH are not well. I would try reassuring her that both of you are happy and healthy.
Or she may be a jealous old biddy, in which case, laugh and change the subject.
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why do you care what your MIL thinks about your body?0
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just laugh and change the subject or say thank you.
dont waste your time being offended.
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See below0
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DeannaLD13 wrote: »Thanks so much for your comments, everyone! Lots of great ideas and advice which has helped me sort this out. It hasn't caused me to eat or drink, etc. We went to the gym this morning and walked outside this afternoon. I definitely won't confront her as it's just not worth causing trouble over. She's not overweight and actually quite frail and 80 yrs. old.
My husband and I are atheist and refuse to tell my husband's grandparents because they are such devout Christians it would probably cause their death if they knew (they are in their 90s), so I understand. But it really isn't confronting her to say, 'please stop.'
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Remember too that at that age there is less of a need or interest to be delicate with their words, their filter is gone. So if there wasn't much of one to begin with it could get nastier. Intent is always something to consider when choosing to allow things to bother you. Is she intentionally being nasty or is this just her way, she doesn't know how hurtful she is being because no one has really corrected her in the past, and at her age now, is it really worth it. Mind you if you get to the point that you can have a heart to heart it may be worthwhile to say that although you dont think she means to, her words are hurtful and ask her to not comment on your weight or lifestyle changes anymore.0
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