My spouse is UNsupportive :(
GlitterMom81
Posts: 5 Member
At the beginning of the new year I made the typical cliche resolutions ( maintain finance better, lose weight, join a gym). In the beginning my spouse was very onboard, saying he supports me and wants only the best for not only me but our whole family. I joined te gym, I've lost the first 5 pounds and kept up with the finances. I feel fantastic, and motivated and love the fresh start. Unfortunately now all of a sudden my spouse has taken to accusations of my not really going to gym but to me cheating on him. I ask every day if he wants to go with me, but he always says no. His actions have created a huge rift in our relationship. I'm just wondering if anyone else has the same issues or am I really the only girl who has an unsupportive other half??? This girl needs some "me" time!!!
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I've lost 37 pounds and in the beginning my husband seemed supportive, and still says he is supportive, but he's been putting candy out, asking me if I want cookies. I don't know if he is testing me, sabotaging me or if its just me. He knows sweets are my weakness. Yes, he should be trying to lose weight and too and I think is insecure.0
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I've heard of this happening to a lot of people. Your spouse may be worried that you will leave him once you get fitter. It sounds like insecurity on his part. All you can do is reassure him that you are doing this for you, let him know how much what he is saying bothers you, and continue to invite him along with you to the gym. Besides that, try not to let it drive you crazy. The problem is his, and he needs to be the one to fix it within himself.0
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Have you tried asking him where these accusations come from? Do you have a trainer at your gym who is hot? Or did you come home later than you meant to from the gym a few times?
He sounds insecure. I suggest you get to the root of it through conversation. He doesn't want you to prove him right or wrong by going to the gym with you. If he won't talk about it with you, it's time to bring in a mediator/counselor.0 -
I wouldn't say my BF is unsupportive, but I'd say he doesn't see why I put so much effort into this. He can reduce his beer intake by 1 a day and maybe eat 1/2 his sandwich at lunch and lose 5lbs/week. I eat under my allotted calories a day, log religiously and gain a 1lb. We were away for the New Year at his grandparents in Arkansas where everything is made with tons of flour, butter and cheese and he felt I needed a bite of his apple cobbler (which I'm sorry was sub-par) and literally shoved a bite in my face. I was quite happy not eating it.
I only have a few pounds left and I didn't have much to begin with, but he feels I really don't need to lose them. But I do. So, I'm going to. And that's that. I don't think he's purposely sabotaging me. I think he just doesn't get it. And that's fine. I'll do what I think I need to do.0 -
I would investigate the lack of trust issues...I am not a relationship speacialist, although married 28 years...If you have been faithful throughout your relationship, he needs to figure out why he feels this way...Feeling a certain way is different than flat out accusing you of cheating. That's heavy stuff...0
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you should probably keep your other-halfs insecurities off the internet out of respect and talk to HIM about it-1
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allanakern wrote: »you should probably keep your other-halfs insecurities off the internet out of respect and talk to HIM about it
I won't lie. This is exactly what I thought after reading the topic.0 -
allanakern wrote: »you should probably keep your other-halfs insecurities off the internet out of respect and talk to HIM about it
This.
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You could get an app that lets you send him videos of you at the gym doing your workouts. Get a heart rate monitor and show him the calories you burn. Get home workout vids and have him workout with you. Get him involved. He's just insecure, so find ways to show him that you're doing it for you, not for random others.
Perhaps get a female buddy to go with you. Ask him how you can ease his mind.0 -
toofatnomore wrote: »I would investigate the lack of trust issues...I am not a relationship speacialist, although married 28 years...If you have been faithful throughout your relationship, he needs to figure out why he feels this way...Feeling a certain way is different than flat out accusing you of cheating. That's heavy stuff...
I agree with this. My husband is not always supportive, and at times can be fairly unsupportive. But he's never accused me of cheating. That is way beyond being unsupportive.0 -
allanakern wrote: »you should probably keep your other-halfs insecurities off the internet out of respect and talk to HIM about it
I won't lie. This is exactly what I thought after reading the topic.
Funny, I feel this is the perfect place for "this" it's not facebook, how many of the people on your friends list do you actually "know" We're all here to support one another. Chances of it getting back to the husband are incredibly slight and she wants to know know if she's alone in dealing with it.
Gretchen, I'm sure you're not alone and yes, it sounds like there are some issues you need to deal with, but keep doing what you're doing and maybe he'll take the hint and follow your lead
Best of luck
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allanakern wrote: »you should probably keep your other-halfs insecurities off the internet out of respect and talk to HIM about it
Being as this is a support board and she's looking for help in her situation, I'm not sure why this is a taboo topic? She hasn't given up his personal information and hasn't bad mouthed him and called him names so really I'm not seeing the issue here
Although my fiance isn't trying to sabotage my weightloss, he does say/do things that drive me crazy at times!. He "thinks" he's being supportive, but asking me if I should really be having that cookie (YES! It's within my calorie budget!) doesn't really help.
I had to point out to him that he wasn't really helping me by commenting on the things he thinks I should/shouldn't be eating, when I should be exercising and how much. I told him I need him to support me by letting me take the extra time to weigh my foods, cook the foods I need to eat, helping me around the house and with our daughter so I have time to exercise and to not make the comments he had been making.
What it comes down to is communication between you and your spouse. Don't accuse him of not supporting you or being insecure, but let him know you are doing this for you as well as for him. It's about being the happiest, healthiest you that you can be!
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donnysoule wrote: »allanakern wrote: »you should probably keep your other-halfs insecurities off the internet out of respect and talk to HIM about it
I won't lie. This is exactly what I thought after reading the topic.
Funny, I feel this is the perfect place for "this" it's not facebook, how many of the people on your friends list do you actually "know" We're all here to support one another. Chances of it getting back to the husband are incredibly slight and she wants to know know if she's alone in dealing with it.
Gretchen, I'm sure you're not alone and yes, it sounds like there are some issues you need to deal with, but keep doing what you're doing and maybe he'll take the hint and follow your lead
Best of luck
I was sitting on the fence with both of you... it is a bit TMI but, on the other hand, where else can you get like 50 opinions in 10 minutes with anonymity?
OP, I am not married so I can't offer up any advice. Good luck and I hope things work out. Congrats on your commitment to change and success so far.0 -
Accusations of infidelity, especially after this much time where you have (I presume) not cheated on him, say to me you have a different problem than dieting.
Marriage counseling would be a better course, I think.0 -
Sinistrous wrote: »You could get an app that lets you send him videos of you at the gym doing your workouts. Get a heart rate monitor and show him the calories you burn. Get home workout vids and have him workout with you. Get him involved. He's just insecure, so find ways to show him that you're doing it for you, not for random others.
Perhaps get a female buddy to go with you. Ask him how you can ease his mind.
i feel like this should be unnecessary. i can't imagine having to constantly prove to the person i married (as in 'chose to be with for a lifetime') that i wasn't cheating on her. that includes allowing her to track me on GPS, or use web cams or anything like that. Especially if I haven't given her any reason to be suspicious other than starting to go to the gym.
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Sinistrous wrote: »You could get an app that lets you send him videos of you at the gym doing your workouts. Get a heart rate monitor and show him the calories you burn. Get home workout vids and have him workout with you. Get him involved. He's just insecure, so find ways to show him that you're doing it for you, not for random others.
Perhaps get a female buddy to go with you. Ask him how you can ease his mind.
Seriously? Assuming the OP is not cheating, this is NOT her problem. It's his. Yes, it is causing issues between them now, but it's his issue to fix. She doesn't owe him a second by second proof of how her day is spent. If she's inviting him and he's declining to join, it's on him to fix the problem. OP, I'd honestly recommend that you tell him his accusations are causing a rift between you two (you'd think you wouldn't have to state the obvious, but make sure you communicate your feelings here) and suggest he talk with a therapist before he further sabotages the relationship.
If you cater to his insecurities and send him "proof" of what you're really doing, I would anticipate this building into more and more demands. Maybe he needs to call you a couple times a day at work. Maybe he will need to check in while you're out on a girl's night, etc etc.0 -
Quite frankly, OP, that sucks. Have you told him how much the accusation of cheating has hurt you (rather than clearly denying the accusations)? By making him understand there are two people's feelings on the line here, it might open up a more honest, but not volatile discussion between the two of you.
It can be tough on partners when one of them starts "making over" themself. Any change can make the most secure people question themselves. I agree accusations of infidelity are extreme, but for all we know, it could simply reflect how chewed up he is about this.
I would also emphasize that it's not his journey to make, so reassuring him that you don't expect him to workout with you, or make ridiculous accommodations for your new healthier lifestyle might reassure him, but make sure you have the space you need to work on yourself.
Good luck.0 -
My husband has made a few comments to the effect of "don't get all skinny and them leave me." I take them as a joke, honestly. It does effect me though and make me a little mad. At any rate, I think it is crappy your husband would make those comments and accuse you of cheating. I would tell him he either needs to be supportive or keep him mouth shut. I know it's easier said than done. Good luck.0
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Takes two to fix a problem, and if I cared about the person I'm with, I'd find a way. My suggestion stands.0
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Divorce.-1
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This is so common, I hear these same stories and topics over and over through the years here and in real life as well. Just keep going, doing your thing your guy will get accustomed to the change in routine. Thats all it is, is a change in routine. All of a sudden wife gets up, starts doing things which will better herself. Husband wonders...hmmm...why is she doing this all of a sudden. Is there someone else in the picture?...no there isn't of course. Its not the guys lack of insecurity so much its that men like attention and now some of that attention has been diverted, which is a good thing but it just takes some time go get used to. Sometimes its just the surprise factor too. If anything their insecurity is with themselves, not their mate. It just ends up being conveyed that way.0
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To me that sounds like a guilty conscience, and I'd be sneaking back home early from the gym if I were you, just to make sure. The one making the accusations is usually the one with something to hide.. I honestly hope this isn't the case. And if he's really just jealous, I'd suggest a heart to heart, and if that doesn't work, then counseling. And if that doesn't work, it sucks to say, but leave him! You cannot spend your whole life being miserable trying to please other people when all they do is accuse you of doing things. Good luck to you.0
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djsupreme6 wrote: »This is so common, I hear these same stories and topics over and over through the years here and in real life as well. Just keep going, doing your thing your guy will get accustomed to the change in routine. Thats all it is, is a change in routine. All of a sudden wife gets up, starts doing things which will better herself. Husband wonders...hmmm...why is she doing this all of a sudden. Is there someone else in the picture?...no there isn't of course. Its not the guys lack of insecurity so much its that men like attention and now some of that attention has been diverted, which is a good thing but it just takes some time go get used to. Sometimes its just the surprise factor too. If anything their insecurity is with themselves, not their mate. It just ends up being conveyed that way.
WOW! this is exactly how it feels! Of course Im not doing anything wrong, and a little part of me wants to keep reminding him that he was the one who suggested it in the first place.
To those who feel this is not the place for this......i did post in the motivation and SUPPORT section. Which is all I am looking for. To know I am not alone in dealing with these types of issues. Its hard enough to decide to change your entire lifestyle, but even harder when the support you thought you had is non-existent. Thank you for all the feedback tho!
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That's not being non supportive that is just insecurity and he has the problem. Not all men are like that. My wife started a fitness program many years ago and even got a personal trainer. His name is Jim and he is much younger than me, built like a rock, great looking (am I man crushing?) and spent more one on one time with her than me. She got into shape, felt great, had a solid outlook on life and I reaped the benefits! I had more to do around the house and with the kids at times but that was what our partnership was all about. I NEVER accused her of cheating.0
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allanakern wrote: »you should probably keep your other-halfs insecurities off the internet out of respect and talk to HIM about it
I won't lie. This is exactly what I thought after reading the topic.
I won't lie either I thought this too.
But for the sake of it... It all has to do with insecurities. Mine is not trying to loose weight at all but his butt has been exercising.. I think to try and out exercise me.
We are very comfortable folks and if there was some insecurities or mistrust this would not happen at all. We would be going different directions daily.
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Yes, talk to him nice and tell him how important is for you to accomplish your goals. Good luck!0
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Divorce.
Hah! Yup that solves the problem.
In all seriousness, you have a much bigger issue than this. I'd focus on addressing that (whatever that may mean) while continue to focus on your health. You can do both.
And for those that are telling her TMI, to each there own. Some people don't have other avenues to vent or the ability to keep things in, that should be respected, just as much as I respect your right to tell her differently.
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My husband comes from some bad relationships and there is leftover mistrust. Sounds like he's insecure for what ever reason. Sorting it out with him is best. You may have to cater to the insecurities for a bit while you build trust.. Don't get defensive with him just address it. Hopefully he'll admit his part in it. Mine is pretty good to. Getting him to go and see you are working hard may be the best thing to help him understand your intentions. Counseling is always an option too.0
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