bad example for kids
keziak1
Posts: 204 Member
Last night I was faintly shocked when my teenage daughter rushed to hide a carton of ice cream rather than be caught eating it by her father. I talked to her about it today; I told her NOT to go down this road of hiding food. That has been my M.O. for years! She is slim and active and has a healthy relationship with food but she does share my sweet tooth. Better she get the occasional wise crack from her father than develop bad lifetime habits.
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Hi. Just wondering: Have you ever talked your daughter about how her father's "wise cracks" make her feel? I hid/snuck food for years for fear of being judged by my parents. Maybe she should consider standing up to her father before she starts believing the negative things he has to say.0
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you should tell her father to stop.0
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you should tell her father to stop.
Agreed. I have a 17 year old daughter, and if my husband ever made a "crack" about her eating habits or weight his ears would be ringing for a week from the verbal lambasting I'd give him. Food and/or body shaming in our household is a deal-breaker.0 -
If she "learned from you, she will need some time to "un-learn." Be patient.Last night I was faintly shocked when my teenage daughter rushed to hide a carton of ice cream rather than be caught eating it by her father. I talked to her about it today; I told her NOT to go down this road of hiding food. That has been my M.O. for years! She is slim and active and has a healthy relationship with food but she does share my sweet tooth. Better she get the occasional wise crack from her father than develop bad lifetime habits.
Instead of telling her what "NOT" to do, tell her what she CAN do -- like listen to her own body.
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At the dinner table I asked her if she is OK with me bringing up the topic with her father and she said yes so I told him what had happened and he thanked me for bringing to his attention the effects of his chiding. He often doesn't understand how he comes across. We are both very dedicated to raising her to be healthy around food (he does all the cooking and has always made good food and lots of veggies).
At her age I was anorexic. So I am sensitive to this issue.0 -
I agree with the others who have said this sounds more like bad parenting. The sad thing is that bad parenting can encourage the development of an eating disorder.0
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TimothyFish wrote: »I agree with the others who have said this sounds more like bad parenting. The sad thing is that bad parenting can encourage the development of an eating disorder.
BINGO. My mom had an eating disorder before we were born, so she made any sort of weight talk (calories, weight, weight loss, etc) incredibly taboo. When I wanted to lose a few pounds for sports in my early teens I had to hide everything. Hiding made it easier to get away with, and after 6 months or so I was barely eating anything ever. The next approach was to make me eat tons of meals at the table under supervision, that led to me hiding food in my mouth even to avoid eating it, and led me to figure out that I could purge the food in secret, which led to binging in secret (because I was afraid of letting them down)
Address it "in the open" with your daughter. I mean, don't make it a public family announcement, but encourage her to keep her eating from being hidden. Tell her you would rather her feel like she overate a little bit in front of you all rather than gorge in secret. Talk to your husband too to shut the wisecracks for a while. Maybe take this as an opportunity to discuss healthy portion sizes and moderation. Show her how to measure a serving of ice cream, and how if you plan for a treat, you can have one with no problem. This could be an opportunity to teach really good things!0 -
Just to be clear, she had her ice cream while sitting at the table with me (I didn't have any!) but then I am more the "let's get a treat" parent. I am going to be working on this. I like the suggestion about learning a serving size, thank you.0
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Your husband needs to learn about raising girls to be empowered women. Commenting on her quite normal food choices, ESPECIALLY if linked to cosmetics or body size? Really damaging. Boo on him.0
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Your husband needs to learn about raising girls to be empowered women. Commenting on her quite normal food choices, ESPECIALLY if linked to cosmetics or body size? Really damaging. Boo on him.
The OP posted that she brought up the subject to her husband in front of her daughter and that her husband agreed to stop doing this.
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Your husband needs to learn about raising girls to be empowered women. Commenting on her quite normal food choices, ESPECIALLY if linked to cosmetics or body size? Really damaging. Boo on him.
The OP posted that she brought up the subject to her husband in front of her daughter and that her husband agreed to stop doing this.
Yes, and that's good. But the fact that he was doing it before tells me he might need to do more than just keep his mouth shut. Dude needs to change his mindset if he still thinks the same way.0 -
I hope your husband is able to make the change. My father often made snide comments about my mom and my eating habits (she was 5'7" and a size 12/14 and I was 5'9" and a size 16) for as long as I can remember. It always had a negative effect on us and still does though we're both trying to break the mold.0
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Another person who had a (step)father making fun of what I ate. He was incredibly overweight so it wasn't like he was one to talk, but it really can make you feel ashamed, so I hope he does actually learn.0
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TimothyFish wrote: »I agree with the others who have said this sounds more like bad parenting. The sad thing is that bad parenting can encourage the development of an eating disorder.
Ok, so maybe I'm being too sensitive, but I'm offended by this post. It doesn't sound like "bad parenting" to me.
Her daughter has no weight problem. The OP said she has a healthy relationship with food. We don't know what the wise crack would have been, either. "Hey, save some for us!" or "Not until after dinner!"
Who knows?
Raising children to have a healthy relationship with food is HARD, especially when one (or both) parents don't. Sounds like the dad here has a healthy relationship with food, but the mom does not (or maybe used to have a bad relationship with food). He's not being a bad parent, he's just not sensitive to this issue.
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How about you just let her be? Sounds like she is already having issues with her appearance and that is just sad. Who cares, its ice cream and from the sounds of it you have her eating pretty well. I think there is more to the story, how about raising her to love who she is inside and out, build her confidence. Poor girl.0
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csmullins78 wrote: »TimothyFish wrote: »I agree with the others who have said this sounds more like bad parenting. The sad thing is that bad parenting can encourage the development of an eating disorder.
Ok, so maybe I'm being too sensitive, but I'm offended by this post. It doesn't sound like "bad parenting" to me.
Her daughter has no weight problem. The OP said she has a healthy relationship with food. We don't know what the wise crack would have been, either. "Hey, save some for us!" or "Not until after dinner!"
Who knows?
Raising children to have a healthy relationship with food is HARD, especially when one (or both) parents don't. Sounds like the dad here has a healthy relationship with food, but the mom does not (or maybe used to have a bad relationship with food). He's not being a bad parent, he's just not sensitive to this issue.
The daughter was hiding food specifically because her father says SOMETHING that upsets her so much that she'd rather eat it in secret than have him catch her and say/do whatever he was again. It might be good-natured ribbing in his eyes, but I know from experience that intent doesn't make it hurt any less. And the OP specifically said they talked about it and he thanked her for making him realize that what he was saying wasn't okay with her or their daughter. So no, he's not necessarily a bad parent. He can even be seen as a good parent for accepting the fact that he was being mean. But that doesn't make what he did in the first place okay.0 -
victoriaalice40 wrote: »How about you just let her be? Sounds like she is already having issues with her appearance and that is just sad. Who cares, its ice cream and from the sounds of it you have her eating pretty well. I think there is more to the story, how about raising her to love who she is inside and out, build her confidence. Poor girl.
As the mother in question it's upsetting to me to have my daughter called a "poor girl". But I understand that discussing something this personal on an open forum might result in feedback that I don't find comfortable. Lesson learned.0 -
you should tell her father to stop.
Another +1
I have a great relationship with my dad, I was also healthy and active, but I remember every teeny thing he ever said about my eating habits or pinching my tummy fat. A teenage girl's mind is a frightening place, it doesn't take much.
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I read a great article that said, "What should you say if your daughter loses 5 lbs?" "What should you say if she gains 5 lbs?" In both cases, nothing. We try to keep it a non issue with our 16 year old as long as she's active and healthy.0
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