Being Single, dating and trying to lose weight, get in shape

ContinuousEffort
ContinuousEffort Posts: 136
edited September 27 in Motivation and Support
Being single is very difficult sometimes. Last night, a man that I was dating told me he wanted to be "friends" since he didn't feel romantic about me. I think it had a lot to do with my weigh since thought mentally that we had a very strong connection. I'd like to be fit, so I am more attractive to men, but at the same time, I wish there was a man who would love me as I am, and getting fitter would just be for me. Since I've gained weight, I've been rejected more often. It's hard to take, but I do understand that men would like to be with slim fit women, if they had the choice. The reality of attraction makes me seriously just not want to date again, even when fit. Doesn't everyone just want to be loved for who they are? He said he only dated me because it was flattering that I cared for him. Married women out there, who are in supportive relationships, I think you are very lucky.

Replies

  • NightOwl1
    NightOwl1 Posts: 881 Member
    I hear you. I got in shape for myself, and not for anyone else. I've found that self confidence is as important as how you actually look. if you are happy with yourself and confident, people will be drawn to you.

    I'm lucky in my current situation that me and the girl I'm with both dated each other a while ago, when we both carried more weight. We split up because of distance. When we got back together, we were both slimmer and in better shape, but we had a bond because we both were attracted to each other when we were heavier.
  • LiL_MisS_C
    LiL_MisS_C Posts: 332 Member
    Sorry to hear about your situation, Kelly. :( I too, am single and understand what you're going through. :flowerforyou: . I can't say that I am losing weight to catch a man, but I do know that as I gain more confidence about my outward appearance I will appear more attractive to the opposite sex (it is slowly but surely already happening.) :) I say forget about this guy...he seems shallow. Cut him loose and focus on a making yourself better...you'll be amazed how people will naturally gravitate towards you once you start to feel better about yourself!


    ♥ Crystal
  • Clovergirl17
    Clovergirl17 Posts: 61
    I completely understand! I've always been big my whole life, so for a long time I had a dating complex where I felt very insecure and depressed if I wasn't in a relationship, almost as if I based my self-image on whether or not I was seeing someone. *Thankfully* I am not longer in that frame of mind. However, to be fair, I haven't been on a date for over two years, and my last serious relationship ended over three years ago. Sometimes I wonder if I'll even remember HOW to date someone, since it's been so long. It's hard to take that a lot of the guys I have been into have rejected me because of my weight, but every time I tried to lose the weight before, it was to be more attractive, and it never lasted. Now I'm doing it because I want to be healthy for ME, and if my guy comes along later on, fantastic. Being single IS hard, and being lonely SUCKS, but in the end, you can't base your own happiness on whether or not someone is willing to date you. YOU have to be able to make YOURSELF happy, otherwise you really can't give your all in a relationship expecting them to make you happy. While it is a hard realization to make, please consider doing this for yourself anyway, and forget about guys for a while. Focus on being the best YOU that you can be, and guys will see that growing confidence :). If you would like some friendly support from another single gal, please feel free to add me :) Best of luck in your goals!
  • myowncrazycool
    myowncrazycool Posts: 42 Member
    I used to be 200 lbs. Now, I'm more fit than I've ever been and I don't have any problem with men being attracted to me. BUT, it seems like men nowadays only want one thing. They are very superficial when it comes to looks and will say anything to make you fall for them, but they aren't sincere. When I was overweight I always had something to blame it on. Now, I realize...I'm still the same person, but now I have to deal with the fact that guys are sexually attracted to me but that doesn't mean they want anything more than that. It's a different kind of rejection, but it seems worse because I honestly don't know what else I can change about myself...I just think it's a different era. I wouldn't be too hard on yourself. Just focus on you. Lose the weight because you know you will feel better and be able to enjoy your life to the fullest. Once you focus on that, you will find happiness from within. And, while the "rejection" or "oversexed boys coming on strong" will drive you nuts...they won't take away from what you already have...true happiness. Smile ;)
  • carlfry
    carlfry Posts: 62
    Someone who is looking at only your weight and "dumping" you because of it, is a child. Plain and simple. You don't want someone like that anyway. You're right - you want someone who will look past it and love you for who you are. If you were really connecting, then it was on him and his views on what women should look like.

    ((HUGS)) to you and keep doing what's best for you!
  • Salpica
    Salpica Posts: 205 Member
    Just to be honest it works both ways. Both men and women are superficial when it comes to looks and weight. Unfortunately it's a part of life and there are a few people out there that will prove me wrong with that statement.

    Don't get down on yourself though and stay focused on your goals. There is someone out there for everyone, and sometimes it takes a while to find them, even if you have to go through a bunch of guys to find him.
  • Missjulesdid
    Missjulesdid Posts: 1,444 Member
    KellyBelly, I met and married my husband when I was even heavier than I am now. He loves me AND he finds me attractive. I don't know that I'd want to have married someone who DIDN'T find me attractive! People like what they like, I don't hold it against them. I certainly have my own tastes when it comes to what I looked for in a man.
  • Jb8885
    Jb8885 Posts: 126
    I'm single also and i think dating just sucks and is awkward for EVERYBODY. Of course it's a lot harder for people who are overweight and self- councious about it. But at least you ARE concious of it. I see so many nasty trashy girls out and they think they can whatever and get whoever they want....yea...ok...people who refuse to see that they need to lose some weight are the ones that look the worst, It does go both ways for sure. I met a guy a who sweet and loving but just didnt care about his health at all and was already pretty overweight. it was a turn off because he didnt want to change. while im here running every day and counting calories he'd be ordering pizza ...its definetly a physcial attraction thing, but that lifestyle needs to be in common or it wont work either...And I've noticed when I am in a relationship I slack on dieting and working out bc I get "comfortable" with the person..and they say they love u just the way u are..so i end up gaining. when im single, ive got more focus to give to the diet/workouts and nobody taking me out to eat..or drinks..and tellin me im perfect. Sometimes i think its best to just stay single unti lyou reach your goals. 100% attention.
  • Jb8885
    Jb8885 Posts: 126
    Just to be honest it works both ways. Both men and women are superficial when it comes to looks and weight. Unfortunately it's a part of life and there are a few people out there that will prove me wrong with that statement.

    Don't get down on yourself though and stay focused on your goals. There is someone out there for everyone, and sometimes it takes a while to find them, even if you have to go through a bunch of guys to find him.

    I agree. Physical attraction is just a way of life. It's also a matter of not sharing the same, fit, healthy, lifestyles. And having common interests. There is someone for everyone...actually i like to think there's a bunch of people for everyone and it's all compatibility. I'm single and I just can't focus on dating when i'm not 100% happy with myself.
  • ContinuousEffort
    ContinuousEffort Posts: 136
    Thank you mfp friends. :heart:

    I appreciate your support! It's helped me. Take care. :heart:
  • ales1979
    ales1979 Posts: 269 Member
    I think when they talk about ''you need to love yourself, before ou can love another'' is very true!

    I've spent a lot of years trying to make my BF happy (I've had several!! NOT in THAT way) but it was because I was trying to gain the impossible, happiness through making sure my BF was happy, cared for and had a beautiful home. NONE of the relationships worked out because I lost sight of the fact that I couldn't possibly meet another persons needs 100% of the time, 24 hours a day!!

    I have mentally and physically exhausted myself trying!! Its only been through recent therapy that I've found I was trying to re-create the stable 'perfect' loving home environment that I didn't get, but would have liked as a child. Theres nothing that can give me that, no matter who I'm with or how hard I work. But what I can do is make sure that I make myself happy, healthy and have a lot of love for who and what I am, before I try to make other people happy!!

    Basically I'm trying to say, look after yourself and make sure you are as happy and as loving to yourself as you can be. Then start bringing other people into the equation :)

    PLUS you have a lot of friends and support right here :D

    Who needs a fella?? :D:D

    xx
  • Jb8885
    Jb8885 Posts: 126
    I think when they talk about ''you need to love yourself, before ou can love another'' is very true!

    I've spent a lot of years trying to make my BF happy (I've had several!! NOT in THAT way) but it was because I was trying to gain the impossible, happiness through making sure my BF was happy, cared for and had a beautiful home. NONE of the relationships worked out because I lost sight of the fact that I couldn't possibly meet another persons needs 100% of the time, 24 hours a day!!

    I have mentally and physically exhausted myself trying!! Its only been through recent therapy that I've found I was trying to re-create the stable 'perfect' loving home environment that I didn't get, but would have liked as a child. Theres nothing that can give me that, no matter who I'm with or how hard I work. But what I can do is make sure that I make myself happy, healthy and have a lot of love for who and what I am, before I try to make other people happy!!

    Basically I'm trying to say, look after yourself and make sure you are as happy and as loving to yourself as you can be. Then start bringing other people into the equation :)

    PLUS you have a lot of friends and support right here :D

    Who needs a fella?? :D:D

    xx


    Absolutely! How in the world can we love someone else, when we are not at peace with ourselves? Not only with weight, but so many other things as well. I've been married, divorced, and have had several relationships afterwards where I've realized that you cannot fully enjoy this other person when you're too busy obsessing over other things in your head. Just love, and be loved :)
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