Anorexia, post babies, feeling like trash.

You have probably heard the saying, "We are our own worse enemy". I find it interesting and troubling that we often look upon ourselves with the most severe criticism. We compare ourselves to others, seeing our differences as flaws. Part of the challenge most of us face is learning to love and accept ourselves. Being skinny is not as important as being strong and healthy.

Hang in there! Add me as a friend, ScottWheeler75, if you think I could help. I do know a good nutritionist, who I trust, that deals with eating disorders. I can get you her contact info if you are interested.

-Scott

Hiya, i too used to be anorexic and stick thin and i too have three kids now! Have you ever done some CBT? I found it really helpful. Also i try to focus on my kids rather than on my body. Is there something in your life that isnt right at the moment? Maybe you should look for causes... Often "we" try to gain control over our body because we have lost control somewhere else.. How is it going with your children? How old are they? Mine: 2, 4 and 6!
Friend me if you wish

Learning to love your body is everything. Treat it with kindness. Give it exercize it needs not as a discipline but as a way of loving it. Give it the nutrition it needs because you love it. Love your body enough to avoid harmful foods. You can do this. Learn to find value in you and to find a healthy level of selfishness making your own physical well-being a priority. You'll find the mind is sure to follow. The most underused anti-depressant is exercise. It takes 21 days of making yourself to build a habit and find enjoyment in it and you have to believe

JBaby11113 wrote: »

I know I am not that bad anymore but I can hardly take a shower with my husband without wanting to cry.

Your statement here has been bothering me since I saw your post. Maybe because I know my wife has felt the same way at times. But PLEASE (sorry for the all caps) remember that a husband's love for his wife, the mother of his children, is so much more than skin deep! You have sacrificed a lot to bring children into this world. We are incredibly grateful for this, for your willingness to go through the pain and discomfort and the affects on your body. Your personality and inner beauty is so much more important to us. Want is also important to us is how you feel about yourself. You are so much more than just your weight! I hope the two of you can lean on each other during tough times. Support and love one another unconditionally.

-Scott

you've got to talk to your therapist. You know you do. I can't imagine crying when you look in the mirror is not normal and it is not the result of a mere 20 pounds, there's a lot more going on in your head. Don't forget about the little people looking up to you now, teach them a healthy relationship with food, and get enough food that you can keep up with them. They won't remember if mommy was skinny, they'll remember if mommy ran with them at the park and ate meals with them.

Use one of the many online calculators to calculate your current Body Mass Index (BMI). That will at least give you a starting point.

JBaby11113 wrote: »

Thank you, Scott! I really needed that. He tells me all the time that he knows my body is different after having kids but that hes grateful for them. He tells me I am beautiful and I know he means it but there is a part of me that doesnt. I am lucky to have a husband who is very understanding of my mind set and knows of my previous eating disorder so he knows how I am about it. He says the same kind of thing about the weight thing doesnt matter, and I know it sounds completley immature and shallow but it matters to me! (not about him, about me). I want to feel just as sexy as I did when we met, for me and for him.

Your feelings are not immature or shallow. It's about self image, how we feel about ourselves. You are lucky to have a supportive spouse. Hang on to him! And like one of the previous posts mentioned, be healthy for the kids, your husband, and yourself. And don't give up trying!

scottwheeler75 wrote: »

JBaby11113 wrote: »

I know I am not that bad anymore but I can hardly take a shower with my husband without wanting to cry.

Your statement here has been bothering me since I saw your post. Maybe because I know my wife has felt the same way at times. But PLEASE (sorry for the all caps) remember that a husband's love for his wife, the mother of his children, is so much more than skin deep! You have sacrificed a lot to bring children into this world. We are incredibly grateful for this, for your willingness to go through the pain and discomfort and the affects on your body. Your personality and inner beauty is so much more important to us. Want is also important to us is how you feel about yourself. You are so much more than just your weight! I hope the two of you can lean on each other during tough times. Support and love one another unconditionally.

-Scott

Preach brother!!!!

JBaby11113 wrote: »

I do know that I am NOT setting a good example for my 2 daughters. I cook for them half the time (my husband the other half) and when I do I often "clean the kitchen" to avoid sitting and craving eating. I DO know this is unhealthy. Trust me when I say I absolutley know what I am doing is bad. I know this because I tried to gain muscle and I just couldnt stand seeing the scale go up, so I stopped and decided I'd rather be skinny than see a high number on the scale. I know that isnt normal. I know that weighing my food and myself before I eat it to get an idea of what that might do to me is not normal (or accurate). In my head I know these things but I am so scared of gaining.

I don't know that you would exactly qualify for a diagnosis of an eating disorder, but it does sound like you're struggling with disordered eating. The different between the two is a matter of degrees. I've struggled with disordered eating since high school, but I never would have qualified for a diagnosis of anorexia or any other eating disorder. Basically, with disordered eating, you struggle with the same thought patterns and behavioral urges, but your symptoms don't cross the line... yet.

First, major applause for recognizing what is going on. That's incredible. It shows an inner strength that can really help you get things on a safer track. Most people have no idea how much strength it takes to recognize disordered eating patterns... and then talk about it to ask for help. Your courage is amazing.

Second, I think it would be a good idea to talk to your therapist. You're right that OCD and anorexia go hand in hand. Anorexia really isn't about weight so much as it is about control. The problem is, it never truly puts you in control. The thought patterns take over. At the same time, your body has automatic mechanisms in place that will not submit to extreme deprivation in the way you're expecting. Your body will fight back in an effort to keep you alive, and it snowballs. You will lose fat and muscle, but with anorexia, it happens in a very dangerous and damaging way. Important structures in your body like your heart and brain are comprised of muscle and fat. When you severely deprive your body, it breaks down muscle and fat in ways that cause damage in vital organs like your liver and kidneys. If you starve yourself for too long and then try to regain weight back into a safer zone, it often comes back in the places you don't want it... that happens because your body is panicking and padding fat stores incase you starve again.

From the other side of things, I can tell you I am almost 100% certain that disordered eating is what messed up my metabolism and actually contributed to weight gains. I was always thin and never worried about what I ate. I was constantly hungry and just ate whatever I craved. Most of the time, I craved healthy foods anyway, so I figured I just had a high metabolism and my body was craving what it needed. But then I hit a low point in high school, and suddenly being thin seemed like the only thing I could control when it came to how people perceived me. So, I decided to become thinner. I kept myself from going over the edge into a full-blown eating disorder, but the thought patterns have lurked in the shadows ever since. I never struggled with weight gain until after that.

I'm finally getting a solid understanding of my body's metabolism and how to work with my body. I'm eating a high number of calories per day, but the baby weight is finally coming off. That's 2.5 years after I had my son. I tried low calorie and high exercise. No good. I'd lose weight at first, but the weight loss never lasted and that would trigger a spiral into disordered thought patterns again.

Now, I feel like I'm starting to get my old metabolism back. I'm eating almost constantly, but not gaining. My body is becoming more toned and strong. That makes me look thinner and more shapely.

It really is so hard adjusting to your body after having babies. I felt like an alien in my own body for so long after my son was born. I feel like I'm starting to find myself again, but it's been by learning how to work with my body, not against it.

You had an ED when you were young. You have an ED now. I'd say it's time to really tackle this demon. For yourself, and for your kids.

Your concern for your daughters brought to mind a lovely woman who is making food in to art for her fussy daughter. It's a sort of tribute to the loveliness of food.

http://instagram.com/leesamantha

This doesn't replace the suggestion to work this out with your therapist, but I thought I'd share.