still quiet and low self esteem...

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  • dave4d
    dave4d Posts: 1,155 Member
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    Wow... thank you all so so so much for your feed back, comments. I can not tell you how overwhelmed I am... I have more friends now than I have ever had; but for some reason i still don't feel a connection... everyday I wish I could hang out with someone who I could relate to and its nice that I can come on here w/ people who have been though what I have also. I think another really big thing about my low self-esteem is that I've worked so hard to lose my weight (still losing) and it just bothers me a lot... everyday that I never had girlfriend... That's another thing that bothers me alot... I just always thought by now after my weight loss... I'd have a girlfriend.. IDK... but again I am soo overwhelmed by you guys comments... its so nice knowing i'm not alone... I just wish I could relate to someone outside of the site haha :p


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    Of course you will have a gf but you have to come up to girls and strike up conversation or it won't happen

    Grab life by the b*lls my friend! :)

    Yeah but I just don't want a girl to think "great not this again, another guy hitting on me get lost" ...ya know?


    I felt the same way, and you know what. Some of them will, but the only way to find one that will accept you, is to try to put yourself out there, and let them know you are interested. If they aren't interested in you, move on untli you find one that is. There are plenty of women out there, and most don't know who is good for them, Many end up with abusive jerks, and that is their problem, They probably ignored the nice guys, for the jock. You'll find someone if you try. I did, and I've never been happier.
  • nyctraveler
    nyctraveler Posts: 305 Member
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    Wow... thank you all so so so much for your feed back, comments. I can not tell you how overwhelmed I am... I have more friends now than I have ever had; but for some reason i still don't feel a connection... everyday I wish I could hang out with someone who I could relate to and its nice that I can come on here w/ people who have been though what I have also. I think another really big thing about my low self-esteem is that I've worked so hard to lose my weight (still losing) and it just bothers me a lot... everyday that I never had girlfriend... That's another thing that bothers me alot... I just always thought by now after my weight loss... I'd have a girlfriend.. IDK... but again I am soo overwhelmed by you guys comments... its so nice knowing i'm not alone... I just wish I could relate to someone outside of the site haha :p

    You really can't think like that bc youll never find anyone that way. Just enjoy the moment and plus even if the girl doesn't translate into a date, you may end up finding a friend instead. If you're not sleazy in your approach, a normal girl will not be doing the eye roll. As I said enjoy the moment. Enjoy getting to know people!

    Of course you will have a gf but you have to come up to girls and strike up conversation or it won't happen

    Grab life by the b*lls my friend! :)

    Yeah but I just don't want a girl to think "great not this again, another guy hitting on me get lost" ...ya know?
  • rosybella9
    rosybella9 Posts: 19 Member
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    Wow... thank you all so so so much for your feed back, comments. I can not tell you how overwhelmed I am... I have more friends now than I have ever had; but for some reason i still don't feel a connection... everyday I wish I could hang out with someone who I could relate to and its nice that I can come on here w/ people who have been though what I have also. I think another really big thing about my low self-esteem is that I've worked so hard to lose my weight (still losing) and it just bothers me a lot... everyday that I never had girlfriend... That's another thing that bothers me alot... I just always thought by now after my weight loss... I'd have a girlfriend.. IDK... but again I am soo overwhelmed by you guys comments... its so nice knowing i'm not alone... I just wish I could relate to someone outside of the site haha :p

    Of course you will have a gf but you have to come up to girls and strike up conversation or it won't happen

    Grab life by the b*lls my friend! :)

    Yeah but I just don't want a girl to think "great not this again, another guy hitting on me get lost" ...ya know?

    From a girl's prospective... I didn't go on my first date until I was 20. I didn't have my first boyfriend until I was 25. But I learned a lot about me and what I want and who I am, so when the time came and I found someone I wanted to spend time with I appreciated it all the more and didn't accept less than what I should have, i.e. the jerks and abusers.

    As for being shy, I look at it this way. People really don't judge us as much as we think they do. Think about your daily interactions with people. The checkout lady, the kid in the hallway at school, the bus driver. How much do you think about them when you're not around them, especially to think something negative about them? Probably not a whole lot. So if you take a chance and talk to them, and it doesn't go well... no harm no foul. If you can distance yourself from the "life or deathness" of talking to people, it isn't such a big deal. I know I feel better about the world in general if I have a nice conversation with someone new or get a random smile walking down the street. You might try some little things, like holding the door open for people or smiling at strangers or other small kind gestures. I think you'll get a lot of positivity coming back your way.

    And in my experience only shallow superficial people would go "oh no, not another person hitting on me." The rest of us kinda like it ;)
  • rosamundi
    rosamundi Posts: 9
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    Every day you need to look in the mirror and remind yourself that you've come a long way from that shy, awkward plump teen and that you're ready to seize every opportunity (be it social or otherwise) the day throws at you. Try doing something you love, we're all more confident when we know we're doing something well!
  • deadmittens
    deadmittens Posts: 536 Member
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    I feel the same way. That's why I got motivated to lose weight, so that I would stop feeling like "I'm just their fat friend." or feeling like the "invisible" friend because I'm overweight.

    Start trying things to boost your self esteem. Walk through the mall and watch people, or just go to places that are crowded. You don't have to talk to anyone, just get used to being around people. After that try talking to cashiers, or waiters, people that are generally friendly because they're working. It's easier to talk to them and make stupid small talk, but it really does boost your self esteem and confidence to talk to people. Soon after that it will be easier to talk to strangers. It's surprisingly easy to strike up a conversation about how nice/bad the weather is or if you like the food they're picking off the shelf, then go off on your day. When I'm having a particularly low self esteem moment, I like to put some shoes on and go wander around in Target to take my mind off things. Any store would work, and Barnes & Noble is a good one too :)
  • jdm_taco
    jdm_taco Posts: 999 Member
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    Can definately relate with you! I am still struggling with fat man mentality. Just keep working on it! Congrats on the weight loss. You have already done the hard part, now enjoy the new life you have worked so hard for and "go slay them dimes" bro! :laugh:
  • AlwaysWanderer
    AlwaysWanderer Posts: 641 Member
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    You know what? There's nothing wrong with being quiet. I've been shy and quiet since I was born. It's an aspect of my personality, something that makes me uniquely me. It's also a part of you. If you can, embrace it. In some cases it can make someone look aloof and interesting. Personally, I'd rather hang out with a quiet person than an obnoxious loud person.
  • deadmittens
    deadmittens Posts: 536 Member
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    I forgot to add one thing, and it's blunt but true! I don't know about all girls, but a LOT of girls would consider you hidden gem. A quiet, good looking guy is a hidden diamond! haha

    At least me & my friends would. Good looking guys who aren't pricks because they're obsessed with how they look are the best.
  • heyitsmekatie
    heyitsmekatie Posts: 544 Member
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    I think people just assume or hope that their problems will just magically go away once the weight does. It sounds to me like you still have some work to do to heal the hurt and bad self image that probably got you to the place you were 100+ lbs ago. You might consider getting some therapy. I'm not suggesting that you're a nut job or anything, sometimes it's just nice to have someone to talk to you and help you put things in a new perspective. Best of luck to you. If you need another MFP friend for support, feel free to add me.

    By the way... holy crap and congratulations on your fantastic weight loss!
  • kristarablue
    kristarablue Posts: 707
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    First of all, let me tell you, you look great and truth be known, you were really cute in your before pic as well....but really amazing work. Can't wait until I am where you are. Second, just because we shed weight, it does not mean that it changes who we are and if we lack confidence and believe that we are not good enough, that won't change with looking healthier. Many of us struggle with self-confidence due to being overweight (I have a habit of faking it till I make it and people think I have tons of confidence..it is all an elaborate rouse that will come back to bite me in the *kitten* one day I am sure) You may feel more confident in some area's of life, but you are still will be plagued with feeling of inadequacy in others, until you do the work to overcome that, which is difficult and painful at times, but so was losing 100 pounds right.

    I know I did not tell you anything that you did not already know and nothing that will actually make it better, but I can tell you that you have amazing strength; you had to have to completely change your life. You may want to look into therapeutic intervention or maybe some books that help to overcome shyness. But understand that you are judging yourself much worse than anyone else would judge you and most people will not make fun of you anymore, you are an adult and those difficult childhood memories are just that, they are a memory, it does not make them any less painful, difficult or real but understand that adult friendships tend to be much more mature and (hopefully) kinder than childhood relationships. I wish that we could see ourselves as others see us, we would probably love who we were much more.

    I have homework for you and it will take courage and be uncomfortable, but I have faith that you can do both. Make it a rule to talk to and introduce yourself to one person a day, practice makes perfect, it will get easier and we will be here to cheer you on through your journey. YOU ARE GREAT
  • fteale
    fteale Posts: 5,310 Member
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    At times everyone feels like that. Everyone gets ignored or talked over sometimes. You have to believe you aren't boring people or you'd go mad. I am always worrying I am annoying or boring people, but it's probably just my paranoia. In reality they probably hardly notice me! You look like a nice guy, you probably aren't boring anyone.
  • ThermalYew1
    ThermalYew1 Posts: 64 Member
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    I have homework for you and it will take courage and be uncomfortable, but I have faith that you can do both. Make it a rule to talk to and introduce yourself to one person a day, practice makes perfect, it will get easier and we will be here to cheer you on through your journey. YOU ARE GREAT

    WHAT OMG Thats scary LOL! ...I am a cashier but I don't really talk to the people who come into my line... I really try ringing them out as quick as I can so I don't need to talk to them..:ohwell:
  • aangrisani
    aangrisani Posts: 92
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    I completely understand what you mean. In school I went through similiar issues, I had friends but was picked on. Don't know who I can trust or not. Today, I am a shy person and I too doubt if others like me when they genuinely seem interested in being friends. It's hard being shy. Try meeting people who share similiar interests or people who are shy as well. We have come to an age and are out of highschool, I think the friends we will make at this point in our lives, would be people who don't care what you look like, how much you weigh, or anything else. It's harder to make friends when we are older but atleast the friends we do make will be geniuine. Good luck in your quest and congrats on all the weight lost and doing it for you. I truly think people would have no problems being friends with you! Add me if you wanna be friends.

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