Mother's Day rand (sad)

charityateet · May 2011

This might not be the place to put this - but I don't know where else to go.......and I need to get it off my chest.

My husband and I were on vacation last week and went to the city where my mom lives. We didn't really plan on doing much "family" stuff, we really just needed to relax and unwind - so I probably shouldn't have called her the 2nd day we were in town - but I did and of course she just had to see me. Not that that bothers me, AT ALL. Let's get this clear from the begining. I love my mom, LOVE, LOVE, LOVE her. She and I haven't always had the best relationship - but she is my mother and I would do anything for her.

Ok. So, she's very overweight. It's not really the weight though - I weigh a lot, but I don't have an enourmous amount of body fat.......she does. She is like 5'5" and probably weighs 200lbs or so. Not her heaviest......she has an apple shape too. Carries most of her fat in her belly and *kitten*. Her knees are both bad and she has back problems, throws it out every so often.

She wants to visit right away, so we go pick her up - and take her downtown, she is having a hard time walking with us, we wanted to go to some specailty shops but she was strugging......she said she was ok, but I could tell that she wasn't having fun. So I said I was starving so we could get back to the car and she could sit. We went to a taco place - it was a great little joint - I modified my food (light cheese, no sour cream etc) she got the full monte. Oh well.

Last November my sister in law who's a nurse suggested that she try to eliminate gluten from her diet because she was having severe stomach issues. She went to a clinic and they said nothing was wrong with her - so she tried to go gluten free. She lost 10 lbs in a couple weeks, gained a ton of energy and felt great!!! I was pretty happy for her, trying to be encouraging - she said she would slip every so often, have bread in the morning, bread at lunch and pizza and breadsticks for dinner, and then feel like crap the next day........so I thought for sure since she knew what was triggering her feeling so bad, well - yeah, I guess I thought she'd change. But she didn't. She eats bread, feels bad, comforts herself with more bread. It's a cycle. She cuts out sugar - goes for a day max, then eats a bag of M&M's. She cuts out breads for a day, then eats a whole loaf. I try to tell her *everything in moderation* but she can't do it. Or she won't. Or whatever.

Here is the thing. We took her out for breakfast yesterday - she ordered vegihashbrowns. Lots of cheese, potatoes, vegetables, toast, sour cream and salsa with eggs. She added tabasco, used all the sour cream, all the salsa, topped it off with ketchup - and then poured BLUEBERRY PANCAKE SYRUP ON THE TOP!!!!! Ok. Whatever right?????? No, not whatever. I am going to be the one that has to take care of her when (god forbid) she strokes out or has a heart attack! The amount of belly fat she has is unbelievable - and she is just counting down till the day she seizes out - and I have to wipe her but *BECAUSE SHE REFUSES TO MAKE HEALTY FOOD CHOICES*.

What am I missing here? I don't want to judge. I know I sound like a total b!tchy daughter - I love her, I care about her and I want her to live a VERY long time........when the time comes, yeah - I'll gladly take care of her.......but she is 57 years old......and it's just food.......can't she see that she is killing herself?

JJtexasgirl · May 2011

Sadly, there is nothing you can do to change what your mother does. She's a grown woman and is capable of making her own decisions, even if they're very bad ones.

From my totally unprofessional opinion, it sounds like she uses food as a salve for her emotional wounds. She's become addicted to the instant comfort the bread and candy give her, although she knows she shouldn't have either one. Its kind of like the girl who dates the really bad boy. Her mental side knows he's bad news and she should steer clear, but her heart keeps dragging her back for more abuse.

You might want to sit down with your mother and rationally explain to her how you feel. If you have siblings, you might get them in on it too. But don't expect her to jump for joy and immediately agree to change her way of eating. As we all know, that is a very personal thing that only she will be able or willing to change when she's ready.

Best of luck to both of you.

fit4fun · May 2011

My mom ticks me off with that too. It's like, as I begin to lose and have success, she starts talking about her weight and what she's doing to get healthier, then she proceeds to cook fried food or pasta...and currently she's at the largest I've every seen her.

Have you considered a frank conversation? Truly, you shouldn't have to pay for her choices...

Even more aggravating....my dad has Crohn's disease. It actually can be managed with low acid diet and some other food choices. Every six months she gets the whim to cater to his disease, she spends a fortune on supplements, talks with doctors and nutritionalists...then...in no time, she's cooking him everything he should never eat. I know he should be responsible too, but they should work together. BOTH of their health would be positively effected.

jamiek89 · May 2011

Its so hard to watch somebody you love kill themselves with food & not be able to convice them to make any better choices for themselves. At best you can keep encouraging her to try harder, or sit her down & explain why you are so worried. or maybe even write her a letter talking about all of your concerns with her weight. whatever you decide, the fact is that you cant force her to do anything that she doesnt want to do. It sucks but thats life. =/

kuarta · May 2011

Have you pointed out to her your concerns for her health? As well as how she can make healthy choices in her food? If you have, I guess you just have to leave it in her hands. She is, after all, an adult and her choices are in her hands alone.

My mother was a smoker - had asthma and emphysema. But no amount of my nagging, begging, threatening made her quit. Finally she got sick, had to be admitted to hospital, and she thought she was dying. Well, that worked!!! She got out of hospital (thank God) and has vowed never to smoke again. She still might eventually as it has only been a couple of months. But, again, the choice is hers.

It is sad when we see people we love not take care of themselves but, other than pointing this out to them, what can we really do?

NoAdditives · May 2011

I know how you feel. Not to the same extent, but I know what you're going through. It's really difficult to see someone we love so much doing so much damage to their body, especially when the solution is so simple. Does your mom live close enough that you can visit her more often? Maybe go grocery shopping with her so you can help her with her food choices? I'm sure she wants to change, especially since she knows how bad these foods are for her, but she may just be scared to change. Making changes to your diet can be overwhelming, it's definitely easier to stay the same even if you know better. Does she have other people in her life? Is she married, or does she have friends? Does she have hobbies? If not, the only comfort and enjoyment she gets may be from food.

Atlantique · May 2011

I wish I had some sage advice for you, but I don't. You may as well be talking about my mother, although my mother is significantly heavier than yours.

Being barely able to walk hasn't gotten her attention.

Having very severe sleep apnea and crashing two cars because of it hasn't gotten her attention.

High blood pressure hasn't gotten her attention.

Neither have at least two strokes, or an abdominal aortal anuerysm that will likely need surgical repair in the next few years (this is her one ailment that actually might not be a direct product of her weight).

But I do sympathize with you. I was thinking earlier today that watching someone eat themselves into chronic disability and an early grave isn't that much different than watching someone drink themselves to death.

Janworkingitout · May 2011

I'm 52 years old and was very much like your mother for the last 20 years. I have a 22 year old daughter who supported and encouraged me to take better care of myself, just as you do your mother. In the beginning she was very frustrated by my unwillingness to change. Then she began to help me in a very loving gentle way, by making healthy dishes for me, inviting me to restaurants with healthier choices, and praising me at even the smallest changes I made. I give her full credit for saving my life, she is an inspiration to me! I appreciate her support even when she was not pleased with my behavior. My advice to you, if what you're doing now is not working, try something else, and just love her! She's never too old to change, good luck!

lnadeau66 · May 2011

Unfortunately, people have to make their own choices to change, on their own time, even if it's horribly difficult on their loved ones. I can feel how much you love your Mom and had much it hurts you to see her do this to herself, espcially after you have made the choice to live a healthier life style. I am in the same boat with my nephew. He is 10 years old and about 170 pounds. I talk to my sister in law about different things (including having him log his food on this website) and she has yet to force the issue. I fear that the older he gets the more difficult it will be for him to change. To make matters worse, I am an RN and know the issues that are already starting to occur in his body. We just have to continue to suggest without alienating, and model good behavior. Hopefully at some point he/ my sil will make up their minds to change. Take Care, and Good Luck, Lynn:flowerforyou:

charityateet · May 2011

Thanks guys, for some reason I was hesitant to post this - as I know it's mother's day and I don't sound like a very loving daughter, but I am - and maybe that's my problem - I care about her. lol

She thinks she does good.......it's funny, she lies to us (my family has all expressed concern) and I think she lies to herself. Yes, she uses food to comfort herself.....long story short, married to my dad for 16 years, had 5 kids and they got divorced when my youngest sister was 1 yr old. (sis is now 21) so they have been divorced for longer than they were married. She doesn't date - although she claims she needs a man - but is ultra picky. She finds someone that fits the "critera" (the list is soooo long!) and then picks everything apart - last guy was PERFECT, was heavy but working on it (yay, they could work together - but he was "physically unatractive to her) he had a kid still in school (she didn't want to raise anymore kids, but the Perfect man has kids? so she could still mother them and be a housewife?)

Anyways, she is ultra alone.........and yes, very sad - but refuses to change her situation. She is beautiful, heavy but beautiful. She gets on dating sites and says she is active, she hikes, and goes for walks and eats a very balanced diet - so the men that this attracts *are completely not attracted to her* they see her picture and are thinking she is 120# long legged active woman....and she is not. So why not put that she's HEAVY, but working on it? That she doesn't always make the right choices, but with some lovin' and some help they could work it out together?????

I'm just afraid that she's done this for so long.....hides food, hides her "true" self - that it's just too late to have that conversation. She knows I care.....but I think she has a bit of body dysmorphia too - she said she got a flat stomach when she lost 10 lbs from not eating bread.......yea, I don't think it was flat, mom.

Rachaely · May 2011

I'm so sorry Cat - like many others have said, it's horrible to watch someone you love lose their health to something completely controllable. One of my best friends was severely overweight (as in several hundred pounds, overweight). If we went out to dinner, we had to sit at tables because he couldn't fit in booths. He was twice my age but still an amazing friend (still is). After several years and even more weight, he fell and hurt himself very badly. He was in hospitals and is now on disability - all something that could have been avoided had he lost weight. Had he been lighter, the fall he took (he slipped on black ice) wouldn't have been nearly as detrimental.

After a year of doctor's visits, nursing homes (he's only 40) and rehabilitation centers, he moved in with his parents. In a year, he lost 100lbs. After a year I saw him and I have to say, I was disappointed. Here it had been a year and he was down 100lbs...and to me, I couldn't see it. Since then I've seen him several times and I still don't notice a difference.

The point of the story, unfortunately, is that people need to believe in the change for their own good. You can't convince them it's what they need - I tried for years and am still trying. Some people are content with their bodies and lying to themself. I wish I could give you some good advice. The best I can say, is keep trying. Don't give up trying to help her just because she has. And most importantly, don't let her unhealthiness bring you down. You are doing amazing and are an amazing person!

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