When is it going to be my turn?

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newsammy11
newsammy11 Posts: 75 Member
in Chit-Chat
So this isn't a "pity party" post just a mere rant.

I've come to terms with myself that I am insanely jealous of my brother and his girlfriend. It sort of dawned on me today when I became completely miserable and started day dreaming of having my "dream" guy with me on a holiday or family gathering. It's nothing they do wrong, I love them both to death, it's just their relationship. & then I realized maybe I am jealous of everyone who has a good relationship.

I've struggled with my weight all my life. I think the last time I was considered a "normal" size was when I was in elementary school and even so, I was probably on the brink. I had some ditsy "relationship" in second grade (can you even call it a relationship in second grade?) that lasted until he "dumped" me when we got into fourth. At the time, I really didn't care because to be honest, I had no idea what I was doing. Then middle school came and it was the "cool" or "in" thing to be in a "relationship." I met a boy who I thought actually liked me only to found out it was a cruel joke and that's when depression and my food intake increased. Before I knew it, I couldn't stand to look at myself anymore and I absolutely hated and dreaded school because all of the kids who constantly teased me on a regular basis. High school was no better.

I was that girl who never had a date to the dance, including prom. Nice huh? Every time a slow song would come on, I would make some excuse about how I had to use the bathroom and go there just to ball my eyes out because I was embarrassed. I believe I was the only girl in my senior class who didn't have a date. Needless to say, prom was a waste of money. I cried to my mom, my friends and the answer quickly came to..."you'll find someone in college Sam!"

So college came, met a boy and I was on cloud nine. We dated for about 2 months before he decided he wanted to transfer schools and then said the distance was straining our relationship but still wanted to stay friends. Like an idiot, I agreed and he was in and out of my life due to the fact that he had enlisted in the Marines and was stationed in Japan. About 7 months ago - he came back into my life in the worst way. Engaged to my "best friend'. Shot to the heart and my weight loss journey almost ended but I didn't let it happen because I was doing this for me.

Now I want it to be known that I am losing weight for ME and only ME but I would be lying if I didn't say that I thought it would make the dating scene a lot easier. I'm 21 and yes I do agree I'm still young but I'm just getting tired of the same old "you my best friend Sam, I couldn't date you." Please, I rather you just tell me I am ugly or fat and save the pity.

Replies

  • biggerpix
    biggerpix Posts: 96
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    I hear ya. I factored in the weight loss for the dating scene to a small degree too. I don't hear "you're too fat" anymore...but I don't need to hear that. I've been married twice and recently met a guy who really wants to go out with me and see where it goes. My new thing is that I don't want a relationship. I'm good with the way I am, how I am, where I am and what I'm doing. I know I'm 20 years beyond your stage of life where you should be dating and meeting "THE ONE", but once you stop putting so much thought and energy into wondering why you haven't met someone, you'll have more time putting time and energy into what will make you who you will be. Get there and the rest will fall into place. A man in your life will not define you or make you happier. It's all about you making you happy. I hope I said that right and didn't offend you.
  • kykykenna
    kykykenna Posts: 656 Member
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    I dont know where you live but I am gonna tell you....the guys there clearly cant frickin see....you are BEAUITIFUL!!!!!!!!!! You do it for you. It is the only way it works. You CAN do it. Look what you have already lost! That is awesome! Keep going girl!!!
  • aubeelynn
    aubeelynn Posts: 16 Member
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    Frankly, I'm quite shocked you have been single for long. I went and peeked at your profile and pictures (sorry - I'm not a stalker, I swear!). You're beautiful!! Hang in there-- some day, some great guy will see that and want you for what's on the outside and more importantly, what's on the inside. Congrats on making these changes for YOU!!
  • sixpacking
    sixpacking Posts: 148 Member
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    Make it about you, you got the right. I truly believe you are a beautiful person, you just need to believe it yourself first. Everything you do should be about you. Be more selfish and you can definitely do whatever makes you happy. Make YOU happy first and everything else will fall into place. Create the rules of your game (your life) that is, by becoming more selfish. MFP is a great place and if you have lost 45 lbs on your own, you have achieved a lot, and i have no doubt that you have a fighter in you who can accomplish a lot more. KEEP GOING FOR YOU!
  • LolasEpicJourney
    LolasEpicJourney Posts: 1,010 Member
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    I totally get this.
    I thought my weight would always stand in my way of finding a man.
    I was 21 when my hubby came into my life.
    I was over 250lbs at the time.

    If a guy will only love you if you are thin - then he isnt worth you time. I do think that it could make the dating scene easier - but there are a lot of guys out there who are chubby chasers too.

    Im glad you pointed out you are doing this for YOU - because that is what is most important.
    I wish you the best of luck on your journey. Try not to think about guys too much, I know it can be lonely - but the right one will come along - and change your life forever. In the mean time - enjoy being who you are, I promise you will meet him sooner or later!
  • chelsifina
    chelsifina Posts: 346 Member
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    As I read this, I am struck by how your story mimics my life. I could not have gotten a date to save my life all throughout middle and high school. I didn't even go to prom for fear of the embarrassment. One day, I decided I would no longer try to fit in, try to please anyone else or meet someone else's standards for success or beauty or acceptability in whatever form, even if it meant forever being on the outside. You know where that took me? On some of the most amazing adventures you can imagine. I've swum in the Anaconda River in Brazil in the pantanal region, I've been all over Europe, including having performed in a halftime show for a soccer game in Vienna. I lived in Mexico for awhile, and kept my wits about me as, in the dead of night on a passenger bus to a small town, a drunk man waving a pistol got on and sat right next to me. Right now, I'm in India working with Tibetan refugees. I'm 35, I have great adventures, I'm married to a wonderful man and we've brought 2 wonderful people into the world. I'm a happy person, and all because I started living in a way that meant something to me, not to anyone else.

    Its great to want good things for yourself, and how wonderful that you seem to be learning that great things can't happen for you if its always on someone else's terms.

    I wish you the very best of luck in your journey.
  • sarahsmom1
    sarahsmom1 Posts: 1,501 Member
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    I was at growing up I had a few boyfriends really nothing to speak of my mom always told me when I least expected it to happen it would it took me to the ripe old age of 29 to meet the man I married I weighed 220 pds and he worshiped the ground I walked on and I his. We have 2 great kids but my sweet man passed away in 2006. And I wouldn't have changed one day of it just wait your prince will come when you least expect it I promise you. Just be patient
  • BobertC
    BobertC Posts: 123
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    Good job venting, I mean it, sometimes it hard to let go of stuff like that. I had a similar high school/ college experience and it's hard to get over.:frown:
  • Brandicaloriecountess
    Brandicaloriecountess Posts: 2,126 Member
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    First of all everyone is right, you are beautiful!

    I know what it is like to date while you have weight issues, but I do believe if you love yourself, someone will love you! You're still young, enjoy this stage of life because one day you're gonna be 33 and think, am I REALLY 33?
  • DarkDiva2005
    DarkDiva2005 Posts: 140
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    I understand where you are coming from. Recently all my friends are getting engaged or married and it makes me wonder if there is something wrong with me. But guess what? There isn't! And there isn't anything wrong with you either. You are a beautiful, smart, mature girl and it will happen. Good job for doing this for you and no one else. Good luck!!
  • mehlen
    mehlen Posts: 28 Member
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    Time to embarass myself here. At one point, I was 135 pounds. Lots of guys wanted to be more than my friend. Then, I went up to 165. Many of them just wanted to be my friend. Then I lost weight...and they again wanted to be "dating" me. Honestly...if they aren't interested in you when you're over weight...then they're not interested in you when you skinny...they're interested in getting you horizontal. Coming to terms with who you are (caring, loving, fun, etc.) Finding the things you enjoy (swimming, camping, skating, etc.) and doing things for you will bring about opportunities for folks to know you for you and eventually the right type of young man will come along. Just remember...losing the weight for you is great...but if there's some particular guy you have your eyes on now...and he's not interested now...if he's interested later...it's not you he's falling over. The other thing to remember...after 10 years of marriage...certain activities may be reduced...but if you can't have a conversation now...you won't be able to have one then. Marrying your best friend is your best bet with your best friend..you don't care if each other is fat, stupid sometimes, or whatever....so you won't care when you're old.

    *hugs*
  • hroush
    hroush Posts: 2,073 Member
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    I'm the male version of your high school experience. I was 280 lbs when I left high school. I lost 25% of my body weight when I was 21, but I still didn't have a girlfriend until I was 24. Oh, I had plenty of female friends, but the problem was I was the nice guy friend that was too nice to become the boyfriend. I actually had a girl tell me, " I hope I find a nice guy like you." after her 45 minute rant about her current boyfriend.

    I am currently married to the girl I dated at 24. It took a blind girl to truly see me. If I can find someone, anybody can.
  • Tangerine302
    Tangerine302 Posts: 1,509 Member
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    I agree, you're gorgeous! I think you just haven't found him yet. Keep the past in the past and make a new start! The good news is that you are still young enough that your past isn't all that long. You have a lot of time to make really great memories! Starting with being happy with yourself.
    When most people look back on high school or younger years, you sometimes think man I'm glad I didn't end up with that one! (someone you might have been with). Your interests will change throughout the years and what you think you want now will probably be totally different to what you want in a few years.
    High school age kids will act like high school aged kids sometimes. You will probably meet more people through other places now that you are getting a little older. It will be a whole different atmosphere.
    The best is yet to come I believe! :)
  • Hazelhaze05
    Hazelhaze05 Posts: 85 Member
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    Find your happiness within and the rest will fall into place... At lease that's what I'm hoping :)

    Every one of my friends is now in a relationship. I'm the only one that hasn't had a steady relationship in forever! It get's met down and makes me think about why me... But, at the end of every day that's why I'm here. I'm taking this me time to eat good and start the new life I want to live by being healthy and active so when the time is right and I do meet that man I'm ready for it.

    I think many times in life happiness has a picture painted with a relationship. All to often I think people fail to see that friendship and yourself are what truly matters in life. The rest will come when it's right :)

    Smile and enjoy your happiness... Feel free to message me if you ever need to vent.
  • KristenAnn711
    KristenAnn711 Posts: 783
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    Do not feel bad about missing out on dances or prom. I was supposed to go to a dance with this guy that I had the biggest crush on, he ditched me...at the dance...and lied about it. I didn't even bother with prom.

    I'm your age, so I understand how you're feeling and what you're going through. Like so many have said, you are gorgeous and it's great that you're wanting to get healthy! I mean that's why we're all here right?

    I don't mean to be rude, but when you are with guys or are hanging out with them do you put yourself down a lot? Or make comments about your weight etc.? Confidence is sexy, no matter what your weight.

    I put myself down alot, especially recently with the weight gain and my boyfriend has finally just started saying 'shut up you're beautfiful and it makes me upset when you degrade yourself ' So remember, confidence!

    *Fake it, till you make it* hhahaha more than one use for that!
  • skittybang
    skittybang Posts: 1,525 Member
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    In all honesty, I think when you least expect it... that's when life really surprises you. I used to be so down on myself that I just COULDN'T get a boyfriend. I always thought, maybe I should change my hair, clothes, is it my weight?, is it my personality? Truth is, no one was right for me. I finally gave up pursuing anyone and just having fun with my friends when my future hubs happened upon me. It was weird when the tables turned and a guy was pursuing me. I was like, what the hell is with this guy?! Haha. But it'll happen. You have to be open to all life's experiences rather than try to plan them out. From one Sam to the other ;-) haha
  • Kjarlune
    Kjarlune Posts: 178
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    You are beautiful. I could tell you that you do not need to loose weight to meet someone because it is true. I am married to my twin soul and he is not even attracted to over weight women..*grin* that sounds worse than it is, lol....I could tell you that the right one is just waiting for you which is true because there is someone for everyone, I know this more because it plays a big part in what I do for a living. I could say tons of things, but the truth is you will meet them when you think you can and that is good too...Maybe the weight loss will stop the shyness or give you that confidence you are hoping for, I truly hope that it does. You deserve love, everyone does.

    big smile....
  • newsammy11
    newsammy11 Posts: 75 Member
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    I want to thank everyone for all their insight. It's really put the my life in perspective and I am just going to live it for me day by day :) Also for all the kind compliments! You guys and gals rock! love you all!

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