Fat Shaming Yourself
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I used to be, until my therapist recommended this: I'm not allowed to speak to myself in a way I wouldn't speak to my kids/mom/sister/husband/etc. It's really helped me realize how terribly I was treating myself.0
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Every day that I have to wear clothes I yell at myself lol so uh yeah... daily.0
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I think it really depends on the way you look at it. Many years ago when I was in my mid-20s I let me weight get out of control and put on around 3 dress sizes. I was at the point where I just kept buying bigger clothes and was hardly ever in a situation where I needed to strip off or show much flesh in public so I pretended it was ok and kind of ignored it. At the time I was with a partner who liked me the way I was, and lived with flatmates who were similar to me and all ate and drank very unhealthily so we all thought we were normal. Nobody ever told me I was fat or overweight so I didn't really think about it too much.
It wasn't until I was at my biggest (178lbs at 5 foot 4) and I started to feel physically uncomfortable and self-conscious and looked back at photos from what was supposed to be the 'holiday of a lifetime' that I realised it was out of control and I started to hate my size and the way I looked. Then a few months later I was dumped by my boyfriend of 9 years for a slim fit girl and I felt fatter and uglier than ever.
Since then I have been a lot more conscious of trying to get thinner and stay there, because I never want to feel that bad again. Luckily, at the time I met my current boyfriend and he helped me lose a substancial amount of weight (I got down to 121 lbs) and I instantly felt better about myself.
In a way it was the best possible thing to happen to me at the time, because he was into fitness in a big way and ate very healthily so it really helped me to get closer to where I wanted to be without it feeling like a chore, because it became part of my way of life. He was very encouraging and great motivation for me to lose weight and exercise.
Over the years due to age and also the fact that I have found it hard to stick to exercising consistently 5 or more days a week, plus times when I let my diet slip, my weight has fluctuated up and down by about 20 pounds. Having said that, the heaviest I've been in recent years was probably 149 lbs, and I started again on MFP this time round at 147lbs.
I am still not happy looking at photos of myself now (at 147lbs or now as I am at 141) but it motivates me to lose the weight even more. Mostly because I know how much better I felt when I was much smaller, but also because I know that I am also doing something which is going to be better for my health in the long-run.
I also know how great I felt when I got a lot of complements from others at a lower weight which really is a feeling you can't beat. Another incentive for me is that my friends now and my family are all smaller than me and at the moment I don't feel like their equal. They are never rude about my weight and tell me I'm fine as I am, but I know that I should not be carrying around this much fat so it's really not good for me.0 -
SergeantSausage wrote: »
Do you think you look good in this picture?-1 -
I think it really depends on the way you look at it. Many years ago when I was in my mid-20s I let me weight get out of control and put on around 3 dress sizes. I was at the point where I just kept buying bigger clothes and was hardly ever in a situation where I needed to strip off or show much flesh in public so I pretended it was ok and kind of ignored it. At the time I was with a partner who liked me the way I was, and lived with flatmates who were similar to me and all ate and drank very unhealthily so we all thought we were normal. Nobody ever told me I was fat or overweight so I didn't really think about it too much.
It wasn't until I was at my biggest (178lbs at 5 foot 4) and I started to feel physically uncomfortable and self-conscious and looked back at photos from what was supposed to be the 'holiday of a lifetime' that I realised it was out of control and I started to hate my size and the way I looked. Then a few months later I was dumped by my boyfriend of 9 years for a slim fit girl and I felt fatter and uglier than ever.
Since then I have been a lot more conscious of trying to get thinner and stay there, because I never want to feel that bad again. Luckily, at the time I met my current boyfriend and he helped me lose a substancial amount of weight (I got down to 121 lbs) and I instantly felt better about myself.
In a way it was the best possible thing to happen to me at the time, because he was into fitness in a big way and ate very healthily so it really helped me to get closer to where I wanted to be without it feeling like a chore, because it became part of my way of life. He was very encouraging and great motivation for me to lose weight and exercise.
Over the years due to age and also the fact that I have found it hard to stick to exercising consistently 5 or more days a week, plus times when I let my diet slip, my weight has fluctuated up and down by about 20 pounds. Having said that, the heaviest I've been in recent years was probably 149 lbs, and I started again on MFP this time round at 147lbs.
I am still not happy looking at photos of myself now (at 147lbs or now as I am at 141) but it motivates me to lose the weight even more. Mostly because I know how much better I felt when I was much smaller, but also because I know that I am also doing something which is going to be better for my health in the long-run.
I also know how great I felt when I got a lot of complements from others at a lower weight which really is a feeling you can't beat. Another incentive for me is that my friends now and my family are all smaller than me and at the moment I don't feel like their equal. They are never rude about my weight and tell me I'm fine as I am, but I know that I should not be carrying around this much fat so it's really not good for me.
I can completely understand where you have been and where you are. My thing for now is I am at the biggest size and weight I have been in my life and feeling like I have a lack of support from my family. Not because they are not supportive, but I feel like that puts a burden on them to change something about themselves to suit me.0 -
TheVirgoddess wrote: »I used to be, until my therapist recommended this: I'm not allowed to speak to myself in a way I wouldn't speak to my kids/mom/sister/husband/etc. It's really helped me realize how terribly I was treating myself.
I 100% agree. I have to have a word with myself sometimes to this effect when I'm running over and over how I 'messed up' in my mind. I work at a college and we do a lot of work to try and build self esteem in our vulnerable students; this is a saying some of them chose to have up on the wall because it meant a lot to them.0 -
SergeantSausage wrote: »
With all due respect, you're not talking about the same thing the OP is talking about.0 -
Personally I believe that building self-esteem and trying to feel better about yourself when you are obese is more damaging because you ignore the problem, like I did for a long time.
People around you should be more honest with you and if you feel slightly bad about yourself it really does motivate you to change, at least I find it does. It might take a while to get there but eventually you will.
When I put on weight and get to a level I feel is unacceptable I start to get that horrible feeling about where I look in the mirror and hate what I see. While it's not nice, it really is when I need to do something about it.
As I have been smaller before I have a wardrobe full of clothes which are too small for me to fit into but I refuse to throw them out.
It's really hard when you can't see the end result in the future, but once you start to lose weight you will start to feel great about the changes in your body and it will motivate you to keep going.
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crosbylee, for as difficult as this is to deal with (and believe me, I have been there, done that!) it is so wonderful that you're becoming more self-aware and looking for answers and healing! That alone is such a testament to what a strong person you are and are becoming even more. I am not perfect by any means, but I wanted to give you a little hope that many of us on here used to struggle with these very things and have learned to turn that shame around. Be encouraged! If we can do it...so can you!
If you are anything like me, the shaming thing wasn't isolated to my weight and looks... I would beat and berate myself for all manner of things: being late to church, spending too much money, saying the wrong thing on a first date, messing up a minor thing at work... I was so cruel to myself that sometimes I would actually cry. I was like a child trapped inside a locked house with an abusive mother, and I didn't know how to get out. I was *both* the abused AND the abuser - and it pulled me in opposite directions, like a tightrope, with a horrible tension that never subsided.
The only time I felt any release was during those few moments I binged on my favorite foods. Of course, once the last bite of red velvet cupcake passed my lips, the acidic self-condemnation began anew. So it made sense that I was on a mission to connect as many binge moments together as I could...it helped me maintain some semblance of peace in my life. Of course, constant bingeing can only lead to tremendous weight gain, and I managed to pack 70+ lbs onto my 5' 4" frame over the course of 10 years.
I personally did not escape from that prison until I started doing some serious self-exploration and study on how to heal from it. My quest led me to counseling, Overeaters Anonymous, and a couple of good books, the most influential being one called "Food Triggers" by Rhona Epstein. Through the reading, thinking, praying, journaling, and written exercises I did, I slowly but surely began to see the light. I highly recommend pursuing one or all of these avenues... or something else you might discover on your own... just make it something that leads you into 1.) self-evaluation and 2.) learning who you *really* are, as a valuable woman who has a purpose in this life and deserves to be loved.
I can happily tell you that I have been binge-free, shame-free, and have had true peace and self-love in my life for three solid years now. I am a completely different person, and the love and care I now have for myself protects me from further bingeing and misery.
It's going to be alright...seek, knock, ask...and you shall receive.
Feel free to PM and/or friend me if you have any questions.0 -
There is self-motivating and then there's self-sabotage.
"Noel? Yo, Noel, this is Noel talking. See how it's five am? You need to get up and go swim. Nope, don't roll over for a few more zzzs. Get your lazy butt up and get the bathing suit on. C'mon, stop bein' a baby, it's in the teens this morning! Besides, the water is warm, and you like the way you feel after a swim. Don't be lazy, get in the pool. You need the exercise."
That is really different from:
"You're a fat, lazy, worthless piece of garbage and it's a wonder anyone puts up with you because you're so repulsive. You don't deserve to eat today, you're too fat. Yeah, see that outfit that doesn't fit right? You're too disgusting to even think about trying to wear it. Get up and swim. Yeah, I know you'll sicken everyone in the pool with your fat butt in the bathing suit, but you're too heavy to go running, so get moving and maybe someday you'll be worth something."
I can't bring myself to use my own name in the second example. Sorry, but I don't even talk to people who've done me a terrible wrong that way, much less someone I LIKE...
I won't say I'm never stern with myself. 'Cause dewd, totally am. But hateful and shaming? Nope.0 -
Nope
I've always looked in the mirror and thought I looked good
I sometimes wondered who the fat woman was who followed me round jumping unexpectedly in front of me every time someone took a picture of me..but looking in the mirror I always thought "you still got it". Body Dysmorphia rocks!
Of course now, after losing 45lbs and really getting fit and strong I absolutely rock it ..and I've even seen some pictures of me I don't hate including that profile shot which was taken about 6-8lbs ago
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azulvioleta6 wrote: »SergeantSausage wrote: »
Do you think you look GOOD in this picture?
When the pooch started here - hells yeah it looks great- that's 54 pounds of "not helpful" *helped* right into oblivion never to be seen again. I understand you don't like it, and I don't particularly care. I'm the one that has to, right?
And I do. Yes. I do think I look GOOD.
Beating myself up HAS WORKED just fine - 54 pounds of belly lard worth.
No way was I gonna practice any kind of "acceptance" on that waistline.
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truthfully, being so hard on myself is the reason that I got to where I am today. I just picked and poked at myself so much that I gave up. I subconsciously decided that it [getting fit] was never going to happen, and ate more to cope with it. So I'd gain weight, hate myself even more, decide that's there's no hope, and eat even more. See the cycle of *kitten* I put myself in?
I'm not saying i entirely love my body, of course there are some things I don't like, but there are also some things I do like. When I focus on those things, I'm more motivated to get fit and treat myself right. So no, fat-shaming yourself is not going to help. If i hadn't fat shamed myself as much before, I might have actually enjoyed my teenage years and maybe not gotten to where I am now.
Focus on the good, not the bad. At the end of the day, if you really hate yourself, losing weight is not going to help. You will still hate yourself. So learn to accept where you are now and look forward to the healthy relationship that you will have with yourself.0 -
SergeantSausage wrote: »
No way was I gonna practice any kind of "acceptance" on that waistline.
We're not talking about acceptance of waistlines, we're talking about self-acceptance.
Self-acceptance does not mean self-deception either. It actually requires a lot of self examination and accountability.
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In college I avoided the mirror when I was naked. I decided to make myself look for 30 seconds once in awhile. Just look, from all angles. It was my body and I either had to make a change or at least get comfortable in my own skin, or know what I was even working with!
I weigh about 40 pounds less now, smaller than I was in middle school, and I still have days when I can't believe how fatty my butt and thighs are. Making the change to be more fit was the first step. As far as feeling good about your body, it's about way more than just changing it's size and shape.0 -
I don't understand how the postivie self talk works. I have some awful ideas in my head about my size and who's to blame for that. Saying to myself that it's okay and I'm still wonderful isn't going to make me believe it. If I tell myself over and over that the sky is green, it won't make me believe it's so.0
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In a way, all of you are being helpful. I can understand where Sarge is coming from and why. I would like to direct my anger at my fat and not myself. I could use it for motivation. I do accept who I am, I am a good person. I just have gotten sick and tired of looking at myself and thinking that I must not value myself to get where I am. I refuse to blame my family and the things I do for them for why I am the way I am. I am the one ultimately resposible for that.0
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NoelFigart1 wrote: »There is self-motivating and then there's self-sabotage.
"Noel? Yo, Noel, this is Noel talking. See how it's five am? You need to get up and go swim. Nope, don't roll over for a few more zzzs. Get your lazy butt up and get the bathing suit on. C'mon, stop bein' a baby, it's in the teens this morning! Besides, the water is warm, and you like the way you feel after a swim. Don't be lazy, get in the pool. You need the exercise."
That is really different from:
"You're a fat, lazy, worthless piece of garbage and it's a wonder anyone puts up with you because you're so repulsive. You don't deserve to eat today, you're too fat. Yeah, see that outfit that doesn't fit right? You're too disgusting to even think about trying to wear it. Get up and swim. Yeah, I know you'll sicken everyone in the pool with your fat butt in the bathing suit, but you're too heavy to go running, so get moving and maybe someday you'll be worth something."
I can't bring myself to use my own name in the second example. Sorry, but I don't even talk to people who've done me a terrible wrong that way, much less someone I LIKE...
I won't say I'm never stern with myself. 'Cause dewd, totally am. But hateful and shaming? Nope.
^^Totally this.
I never beat myself up really. It's not like I was spending those years just sitting on the couch eating myself to death. I was doing valuable, useful things with my life, like building my career, having and bringing up my daughter, traveling, moving to the US, getting married.. All things I look back on with pride. Sure, I was overweight. Sure, I wasn't as healthy as I could have been, but as soon as I let go of ANY feelings that I was somehow worth less and didn't deserve to put myself first, become healthier (including losing the weight) became much, much easier.
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lthames0810 wrote: »I don't understand how the postivie self talk works. I have some awful ideas in my head about my size and who's to blame for that. Saying to myself that it's okay and I'm still wonderful isn't going to make me believe it. If I tell myself over and over that the sky is green, it won't make me believe it's so.
It's interesting to see the gender difference regarding this concept.
Anyways, to me it's not necessarily about positive self-talk. It's about letting go of the shame, rejection of who you actually are, things that aren't working, etc. I'm not a big believer in artificially positive self-esteem, I know that I am fat! I don't think that's a good thing. I'm not trying to talk myself into thinking that I'm thin or "big & beautiful." But I refuse to denigrate myself.
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lthames0810 wrote: »I don't understand how the postivie self talk works. I have some awful ideas in my head about my size and who's to blame for that. Saying to myself that it's okay and I'm still wonderful isn't going to make me believe it. If I tell myself over and over that the sky is green, it won't make me believe it's so.
Do you motivate people around you by saying hateful things? I mean, God knows I don't need pets and strokes all the time, and I don't talk to myself that way, but ya know, when I'm teaching someone, there is a gradient. I can call them an idiot for not knowing something, or we can acknowledge that, nope, they don't know it, so let's get to working on that.
I'm hardly fluffybunny, but I sure as hell don't think being hateful is productive.0 -
lthames0810 wrote: »I don't understand how the postivie self talk works. I have some awful ideas in my head about my size and who's to blame for that. Saying to myself that it's okay and I'm still wonderful isn't going to make me believe it. If I tell myself over and over that the sky is green, it won't make me believe it's so.
So you think that every single person who is overweight is a worthless waste of space? Or just yourself?
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SergeantSausage wrote: »If I don't beat myself, who else is gonna do it?
No way am I taking the "acceptance" route and giving up on myself for something that is perfectly well do-able.
Most people think the same way you do however studies show that shame and guilt only cause us to want to ease the pain with the exact substance we feel ashamed about (food). Thinking about how proud you'll be if you don't binge (or whatever) works better than shame. The "Willpower Instinct" is a great book that outlines the studes. Very interesting stuff. Self care works better than self criticism.
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girlviernes wrote: »It's interesting to see the gender difference regarding this concept.
I had the same thought.
I think some of it may stem from cultural differences. For instance, sports coaches who "motivate" boys and men by tearing them down, yelling at them, calling them names, saying they're worthless... I think our society teaches boys that this is all part of being a man, and that you have to "take it like a man".
On the flip side, I also think that girls and women are too often taught to be ashamed of our bodies, and that our self-worth is tied up in our appearance. There's a lot of pressure on women to conform to media ideals of beauty. We tell men that if clothes don't fit, they should get them tailored (i.e. the problem is with the clothes) but if women's clothes don't fit, then they should lose weight (i.e. the problem is with the woman).
Mixed messages that could all contribute to this.0 -
Nope
I've always looked in the mirror and thought I looked good
I sometimes wondered who the fat woman was who followed me round jumping unexpectedly in front of me every time someone took a picture of me..
Hahaha! Me too for awhile there I was always getting upstaged by some strange lumpy woman.
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SergeantSausage wrote: »If I don't beat myself, who else is gonna do it?
No way am I taking the "acceptance" route and giving up on myself for something that is perfectly well do-able.
This. There is no room for complacency in my life. I can always be better, and I will always work to get better. I know my limits and I don't have to hate myself for it, but I also know my potential and I define failure as not striving for that.
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girlviernes wrote: »lthames0810 wrote: »I don't understand how the postivie self talk works. I have some awful ideas in my head about my size and who's to blame for that. Saying to myself that it's okay and I'm still wonderful isn't going to make me believe it. If I tell myself over and over that the sky is green, it won't make me believe it's so.
It's interesting to see the gender difference regarding this concept.
Anyways, to me it's not necessarily about positive self-talk. It's about letting go of the shame, rejection of who you actually are, things that aren't working, etc. I'm not a big believer in artificially positive self-esteem, I know that I am fat! I don't think that's a good thing. I'm not trying to talk myself into thinking that I'm thin or "big & beautiful." But I refuse to denigrate myself.
I agree that it seems to be a difference of thinking between the genders. The other comments about Ithames0810's post seem a bit harsh. He is just expressing his opinion on the topic just like everyone else. And I read it as that how he feels about himself. He didn't say he would treat other people like that.0 -
There's a huge difference between saying "I'm stronger than this, I can do better than this, I don't accept mediocrity from myself" and saying "I'm crap, I can't do this, I'm miserable, I'm a failure".
The former is self-motivation. The latter is self-shaming.0 -
How badly do we beat ourselves up over our size/shape. I know how much I am personally disgusted with the way I look and the size I am. It is the majority of the reason I am on this journey now and still getting my mind in the right place for it. I know I need to do this for myself and partly how to go about it. I try not to put myself in public situations where I know I will be uncomfortable due to my shape. Bathing suits are not my favorite thing at all. I beat myself up about my weight more than anyone else ever could. Not sure how to keep from mentally berating myself and use that energy instead to focus on the task at hand.
I used to do this, until I learned that there is no reason whatsoever to be ashamed of my body under any circumstances. My goal is to be healthy and fit and to feel the best that I can feel. When I was fat I felt horrible-I ached and didn't want to do much, and I was in a really bad mood a lot.
Think of it this way: self-shaming comes from deep within and indicates issues that need to be worked on. Sometimes they go way back to when we were kids, but other times it's all about what we do to ourselves.
In other words, if we aren't shaming ourselves about our bodies, we would be shaming ourselves about something else.
The solution is to figure out why we shame ourselves, and then to make changes toward healthier self esteem. Sometimes this requires counseling or treatment.0 -
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