I'm scared I'll never get there... does anyone else relate?

emc2fit · February 2015

First of all, feel free to laugh because I've only been using MFP for 35 days and I've seen great results - so what on earth am I upset about?

Whilst this has been the most successful and consistent diet I've ever been on, and I'm quite possibly making habits for life here, I am scared and feel like I'm losing my way... or losing sight of why I wanted to do this in the first place.

Food has alienated me from social events. I have declined several parties because I know I love to drink, but being on 1200 a day there's simply no room for alcohol. Even something simple like a vodka soda! I've also turned down a gorgeous free opening brunch at a new restaurant and countless other meals. This makes me sad, I feel like I'll never know how to attend events that are food or drink centric again. Yes I could stick to diet cokes but let's face it, artificial sweetners are pretty bad too - which pretty much just leaves tap water. How depressing.

Secondly, I have become obsessed with calories. If I'm hungry I agonise over what food is best for me nutritionally - this has been a very positive thing, I now embrace greens and lean meats, but when does it end? Not the healthy eating part, but this obsessive behavior of denying foods because I am now hyper aware of how horrific they are. I want to eat them, they taste great, but in my mind they're like poison now. And worse still, I judge other people for their lack of awareness of what they're eating. It has got to stop. More often than not I come under my calorie goal because I feel like a failure if I go over it. Which is CRAZY.

And finally, I'm straight up afraid. I'm afraid I'm not doing the right thing, that my calories are too low, and I have no idea how to come back from it. People say add in 50 a week to help bring it back to a more normal and attainable level over an extended period, and whilst I intended to start doing that this week I have no idea what to eat to make up those 50 without going over my macros (I tend to eat a high protein diet and it suits me) - but if I have to eat one more flipping chicken breast I'll lose my mind.

Just a quick summary of 'me'. I'm about 140lbs now, I'd like to be closer to 126 (or 9ish stone for those UK people). But I don't just want to be skinny, I want to build some lean muscle along the way. I've got a past knee injury so I tend to take it easy on the cardio/big compound weights moves (like squats), I swim once a week (used to be competitive so this is usually an intense workout), and do weights and pole fitness at other times with rest days inbetween. I've seen increases in my strength, but I just look at myself and feel horrific. I don't want results NOW, I just want to know in a few months that it might be possible...

So this is probably all really premature, it's been 35 days for crying out loud, but these are all very real issues to me and I'd just like some advice on how to make them go away. Or just become less of a focus. I'm just a normal person who wants to eat well and live happily

TLDR: eating 1200, want lean muscle, sustainable weightloss and advice on how to navigate social food/drinking situations. Sorry for the long post!!

MaggieLoo79 · February 2015

I don't have any answers for you, but I do feel your pain. I'm an extrovert and eating healthy alienates me from social events. Tonight is girls night out and we're going to a nice restaurant. I already know I'll have to decline the wine.

It's frustrating because I want to hang out and talk, but I also want to meet my goals. I've managed to take food out of the equation with some of my healthier friends (we meet at the park and walk), but with other friends, I'm lost!!! Some people do well with moderation, but I'm not one of those people.

cwolfman13 · February 2015

For one thing, you can probably eat more and still lose weight...1200 calories is the most aggressive approach and assumes a sedentary lifestyle...you need to be accounting for your exercise.

In the real world, people go to parties and enjoy themselves...these things are occasions...they aren't every day occurrences...learn to take them in stride...learn portion control...learn how to make better decisions. Guess what...special occasions aren't going anywhere...they're something you have to learn to deal with unless you want to lock yourself in a hole.

It's only 35 days...that's nothing...it's all a process and you're acting like it's an overnight kind of thing...to give you some perspective, I've been at this whole healthy living thing going on 3 years now.

Also, realize that when you get "there", "there" is just the starting line of the real race...this is why it's important to focus on the process...focus on developing healthful habits.

At any rate, relax.

jcim1ru · February 2015

1200 calories is a target each day.

Try vodka and water. And try drinking a glass of water between alcoholic drinks. Try smaller portions of what you enjoy. Try to avoid eating a little bit of everything and just eat what you really want to eat. Talk more. Nibble. Dance and move. Have fun along the way!

It's my opinion that the worst way to change your life is to restrict yourself from things that you genuinely enjoy and desire to partake in.

Why?

Because when you reach that "goal weight" the tendancy is to put aside the changes and plunge back into all the things you denied yourself. That's not a lifestyle change, that's a disaster waiting to happen.

Allow yourself to enjoy things. Learn to enjoy in moderation by using the tools we have in MFP. Adding stress to your endeavor works in reverse.

Relax and enjoy the adventure. Test yourself to see what you can enjoy in place of the sugary drinks, the heavy foods, etc. But don't forget to take care of the mental side of you first and foremost.

Good Luck!

cheshirecatastrophe · February 2015

Maybe it would help to go over 1200 every day for a week, so you could see it's not the end of the world? I mean, like, even 1202 if that's what you gotta do.

Ooci · February 2015

Oh, dear, you don't sound very happy at all. Please consider re setting your goal to half a pound a week, that means by summer you really will be seeing a massive change in your overall body fat, and you'll be able to relax a little. Life is too short not to go to brunch openings, not to have a drink. For me, wanting this slimness to be a lifetime thing I've needed to get into an 80/ 20 habit - 80% eating at a small deficit, 20% maintenance calories. The losses are slow but 14 months has sped by, I've lose around 42, and have around 14-20 to go. It's fine if it doesn't happen this year.
As for extra protein - thin omelettes used in place of bread for a ham and veggie filling, beef roll ups, hard boiled eggs, low fat meatballs as snacks - yum.

BWBTrish · February 2015

You know you can be to strict too.

I do 1200+ ( i eat 1/4 back of my training calories which is about 100 to 150 6 days a week) So i end up around 1300 to 1350 daily.

I go out for dinner sometimes
I drank champagne,
I have popcorn every day

Its all about moderation and portion control.
How do you think your gonna do it when you are in maintenance?
You will gain weight when you dont learn portion control and moderation

you can eat everything but not just always and everyday. That's all.

I lost 63 pounds this way and i am slowly upping my calories at this moment. And i eat everything!
I just dont go to the Starbucks and the next day again.
I celebrate new years with 2 bottles of champagne and the next time i drink again is weeks later. I go to a buffet and eat nice and in moderation and that is once a month.

I plan and make healthy choices. That is the way how you lose weight and also keep the weight off.
Life is to be lived and not to deny yourself everything. You only have to be sensible about what and how much you eat/enjoy yourself....

Everything is about ... TOO MUCH... IS BAD.

SLLRunner · February 2015

cwolfman13 wrote: »

For one thing, you can probably eat more and still lose weight...1200 calories is the most aggressive approach and assumes a sedentary lifestyle...you need to be accounting for your exercise.

In the real world, people go to parties and enjoy themselves...these things are occasions...they aren't every day occurrences...learn to take them in stride...learn portion control...learn how to make better decisions. Guess what...special occasions aren't going anywhere...they're something you have to learn to deal with unless you want to lock yourself in a hole.

It's only 35 days...that's nothing...it's all a process and you're acting like it's an overnight kind of thing...to give you some perspective, I've been at this whole healthy living thing going on 3 years now.

Also, realize that when you get "there", "there" is just the starting line of the real race...this is why it's important to focus on the process...focus on developing healthful habits.

At any rate, relax.

This ^^^^

EMC, you have very little weight to lose. Recalculate your goals to lose .5 pounds a week and learn how to eat in accordance with what is going on in your life. You can do this!

Francl27 · February 2015

Keep in mind that you're supposed to eat back exercise calories too, so you should be able to eat a bit more. With what you want to lose, I'd set it up to lose half a pound a week too... that should give you more calories to work with!

For the rest, well, 2 years later and close to maintenance (ok, pretty much been maintaining for 6 months), and I can still relate. I still hate food events because I feel that I have no control (eating small portions of calorie-heavy foods doesn't work for me, I need volume, plus I don't always have the best self control, but it works for a lot of people, so I'd try that in your situation). I don't drink anymore (but I never liked alcohol that much, so there's that). I still think about calories all the time (but my goal is higher, so it's a bit easier to fit things in now).

So yeah... new lifestyle. I guess that unfortunately comes with the territory.

Arliah · February 2015

I feel the same sometimes, even though I've been doing well, lost 34 lbs since last April and don't have any illnesses or something like that to complain about. With very few exceptions I stay just below my calorie goal of 1200 and usually within 1 or 2% of my macro ratios. What kind of scares me is this whole "skinny fat" thing. I am scared that I will get to my goal weight of 120 and still feel (and look) fat. I am worried that I won't get it right, that for some reason I should maybe eating less carbs, a bit more protein, that I am not doing the right exercises. I usually take a deep breath at that point and tell myself that I will cross those bridges when I get to them. But yes, I can totally relate.

twerglum · February 2015

Don't deprive yourself. I always plan if I am going out for an event. Like for Sunday for instance I burned 400 calories working out hard for an hour knowing I would indulge a little later for superbowl. I had a very light breakfast and lunch so I could use up most of my calories the rest of the day. I drank two canadian 67 tangerines which are only 70 cals each, and didn't worry about it at all. If you overthink it and look at it as a hinderance rather exciting, you will fail. I just get excited about it most days. If I have a day where I want something bad, I do it, and then move along the next day. I like Jillian Michaels 80-20 rule. Eat great 80% of the time and indulge a little 20% of the time. Good luck and just remember as time goes on it gets a lot easier.

sugargrammy45 · February 2015

I think we worry because we want the result that we have planned out in our head. The more I worry, though, the less I am able to do what I have to do and still enjoy life. It's going to happen . . . if we just simply do what is best for us today and stop looking ahead so far into the future. Do today what needs to be done today and if you slip, so what?! Just get back to what you know works and do it again. You'll get there, no doubt!

FitGeekery · February 2015

With only 14lbs left to lose the weight is going to come off more slowly and 1200 cals a day is extremely aggressive, especially if you're active. Is this your net total or are you also eating back exercise cals?

On the one hand, give yourself a pat on the back for your hard work so far! Sticking to being healthier for 35 days is SO much better than doing nothing at all.

On the other hand, am I completely off base for sensing that you're so strict it feels like self-punishment? If so (and absolutely no need to answer here!)... why? Why restrict yourself to the point that it's affecting your social life and emotional well-being? Where is some of the 'food fear' coming from? Why not consider a more balanced and sustainable approach? What do you think will happen if you loosen that control?

Again, NO need to answer here, but those are some of the questions I've had to ask myself before. I often need to be reminded that 90% of weight loss is a mental journey.

You've proven you can stick to this even if it's difficult, you've proven you have the drive and determination to succeed and that's AWESOME. But you deserve to -enjoy- this journey. You deserve to enjoy your life! You deserve to be more trusting of yourself and the skills you've learned along the way. You deserve to trust that if you fall, you can and will pick yourself up again and keep going. One day, one meal isn't going to destroy your hard work. The sky will not fall, I promise

Start small: have an extra egg, an extra piece of cheese, a slightly larger portion of whatever. Get used to it for a while and then increase a little bit more. Rinse and repeat until you're at a more reasonable deficit (0.5-1lbs loss/week).

Take the power away from food and numbers and give it back to yourself. You're worth the extra time and TLC to finding a balanced life that you can enjoy

ryanbrowning115 · February 2015

That is common, but never give up. Stay focused on your goal and stay positive!

Lasmartchika · February 2015

Your obsession to deny food can end today. Your weight loss goal is too aggressive. Lower it to lose 0.5 lb (0,25 kg) a week. You only need to lose 14 lbs. And you with the amount of exercise you do, you should also be eating those calories back... especially since you want lean muscle. Eating 1200, exercising the way you do (and I'm assuming you're not eating those calories back), you're losing muscle instead. This is not about making yourself suffer as you lose weight. It is possible to still go out and have fun with friends, go out to events... you don't want to turn into a hermit either. Like I said, lower your goal to 0.5 lb/wk, you'll get more calories to eat... DO NOT BE AFRAID TO EAT, you will still be losing the weight you want, without all the suffering. And you'll be less hungry, you won't have to obsess about what to eat since you'll have more calories.

shamrock590 · February 2015

I've been reading though this blog and I am so inspired!!! I can't figure out how to add people as my friends on here for support.

I'm 25 years old, had heart surgery last year. Changing all of my habits around. Quit smoking already and trying to eat better. Goal is to lose about 30 lbs! On nutrisysem and tracking everything through here!!!

Please add me ---- shamrock590

SergeantSausage · February 2015

Merkavar · February 2015

I see a light at the end of the tunnel. Where I switch mfp from lose 1kg to maintain weight and suddenly find I have so many kj I don't know what to do with them.

But that whole turning down social events thing. Don't. What's the point of being skinny/healthy person who sits at home all day watching reruns of mash because you alienated your friends.

Don't over eat or drink, accept you might even go over every now and then and put in a little more exercise.

As long as your not going out every 2nd night it's not going to kill you to have a bit of fun every now and then, a few drinks, maybe just have coke zero etc so people think it's a scotch and coke and leave you alone.

emc2fit · February 2015

Thanks for all the replies, you've knocked some sense into me!!! 1. Chill out 2. Don't avoid all social occasions because that's nuts (and brunch is more exciting than Christmas!) 3. Don't give up.

than you MFP community, I know what I wrote was borderline insane but I was feeling crumby and really appreciate all the responses.

SingRunTing · February 2015

The only way to truly fail is giving up entirely.

keziak1 · February 2015

I expect this is weird since it MFP, but I don't track calories anymore. I eat AS IF counting (back when I was counting for months I learned a lot about portions and calories of the foods I eat). I still check calories on restaurant food whenever possible, but I don't focus on calculating every morsel. Why? Because I was so obsessive that I got worn out and threw in the towel. For ME it was not sustainable. I was making myself crazy. Instead I have developed an eating regime that is generating steady losses without counting every calorie (intermittent fasting with 2 lean meals a day). I feel more relaxed and believe I can stick with it long term.

beastmode_kitty · February 2015

http://scoobysworkshop.com/calorie-calculator/

Take a look at this calculator and re-evaluate your calories. I think you are eating too low for what you want to achieve! I'm 5'8, 163 pounds, and i've switched to eating around 2000 calories a day now, and i haven't really gained. My clothes feel looser on me, and also I have been lifting heavy.

Grats on your progress thus far! But don't get scared, just read up and ask questions. We are all here to support each other! Feel free to friend me, or send me a message

LeslieB042812 · February 2015

emc2fit wrote: »

Thanks for all the replies, you've knocked some sense into me!!! 1. Chill out 2. Don't avoid all social occasions because that's nuts (and brunch is more exciting than Christmas!) 3. Don't give up.

than you MFP community, I know what I wrote was borderline insane but I was feeling crumby and really appreciate all the responses.

We all have our borderline insane moments and feelings and that's what a support community is for--to talk us off the ledges! This thread is definitely MFP at it's best! Good luck!

BTW Brunch IS better than Christmas! We did brunch for Christmas this year--best of both!

LeslieB042812 · February 2015

MaggieLoo79 wrote: »

I don't have any answers for you, but I do feel your pain. I'm an extrovert and eating healthy alienates me from social events. Tonight is girls night out and we're going to a nice restaurant. I already know I'll have to decline the wine. It's frustrating because I want to hang out and talk, but I also want to meet my goals. I've managed to take food out of the equation with some of my healthier friends (we meet at the park and walk), but with other friends, I'm lost!!! Some people do well with moderation, but I'm not one of those people.

Don't decline the wine--a glass of wine has only about 120 calories. You can definitely fit one (or even 2) into a weight loss day. I'm on 1200 calories/day and when I know that I have an event I simply plan ahead by eating less during the day--drinking coffee and tea helps, as does eating tuna on lettuce--super high volume and protein, so it's filling and only about 100 calories! It doesn't taste great, but I can do it looking forward to the yumminess I'm planning for.

SingRunTing · February 2015

keziak1 wrote: »

I expect this is weird since it MFP, but I don't track calories anymore. I eat AS IF counting (back when I was counting for months I learned a lot about portions and calories of the foods I eat). I still check calories on restaurant food whenever possible, but I don't focus on calculating every morsel. Why? Because I was so obsessive that I got worn out and threw in the towel. For ME it was not sustainable. I was making myself crazy. Instead I have developed an eating regime that is generating steady losses without counting every calorie (intermittent fasting with 2 lean meals a day). I feel more relaxed and believe I can stick with it long term.

It's all about what works for you. Some people can count for a while and get a feel for how much they should be eating, so they don't have to count anymore. Some people can just cut out a snack and lose weight and never have to count calories. Some people (like me) will have to count forever. I just can't stick with it in the long run once I stop counting.

Scientifically, its all about the calories. Not everyone has to count calories to create a deficit, but its really helpful for most people.

deksgrl · February 2015

Eat more, move more. There is no need to be miserable, you can still lose weight. And this way it will be sustainable. If you continue to get by on the least amount of calories possible, you will likely not stick with it, and set yourself up on a yo-yo where you gain and then "have to diet" and be miserable, lose some and then gain it all back again. Learn to eat at a reasonable amount and set yourself up for long term success. Fuel yourself properly, lift, get adequate protein, get a little cardio on non lifting days, be patient.

1HappyRedhead · February 2015

Loving all the wise and supportive responses in this post so far!!
I think we all feel that way, at some point. I know I do everyday. Yes, I've lost 53 lbs, but I also know how much more I could have/"should have" lost by now... and I do worry that I'll never get there... but I also know I'm just under a year "trying", I haven't tried my best, and I've taken a least three months "off" during the holidays.... so I have absolutely nothing to complain about... I just need to make up my mind to go back to what I was doing before and do it!
Thank you for sharing your thoughts & feelings though, many of us feel the same way every day.

keziak1 · February 2015

1HappyReadhead- just so you know, I would be thrilled to lose 53 lbs! Good job!

vinerie · February 2015

I completely relate to the obsessing part. It's exhausting to think, plan, log, rinse and repeat. All I do is look at food and calculate in my head what it will 'cost,' calorie-wise. It's somewhat depressing as food should be a healthy, enjoyable part of life. I don't have an eating disorder or anything, but when I'm logging, it really makes me obsess over food and drains the enjoyment out of what should be a pleasurable --and social!-- experience.

Christine_72 · February 2015

vinerie wrote: »

I completely relate to the obsessing part. It's exhausting to think, plan, log, rinse and repeat. All I do is look at food and calculate in my head what it will 'cost,' calorie-wise. It's somewhat depressing as food should be a healthy, enjoyable part of life. I don't have an eating disorder or anything, but when I'm logging, it really makes me obsess over food and drains the enjoyment out of what should be a pleasurable --and social!-- experience.

Ditto that. I feel exactly the same

I'm scared I'll never get there... does anyone else relate?

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