Losing weight whilst with a partner with a history of eating disorders

snitchcatcher · February 2015

Hi everyone,

I'm currently trying to get a bit of healthier, build my fitness and lose some weight -nothing drastic, just around a stone. I've lost about 1.5 pounds per week for the past month or so and feel really good so would like to continue if I can.

My partner has experienced an eating disorder in the past, about 5 years ago. She has recovered now and, from what she has told me, generally feels confident and reasonably happy with her body. She sometimes mentions to me that she is overweight based on her BMI (although we have talked about how this is not necessarily a great way for bodies to be measured). For the most part though, I think she is currently in a good place with her body image.

I've kept mostly quiet about my health and weight loss attempts so far. We are running the couch to 5k together (on week 6 at the moment!) for fitness and enjoyment's sake. But I've been hiding this app from her and things like switching to wholemeal bread and pasta, trying to get more fruit and veg into meals, changing our cooking oil and generally opting for low calorie recipes have been a bit harder to explain and I change the subject when she mentions them. She's not stupid and has been questioning me a bit and on occasion has urged me to eat more (I've just cut my calories to 1500 so I am pretty sure everything is fine on that front, but of course it's natural for her to worry about that sort of thing).

Does anyone have any experience with losing weight and trying to get healthier and fitter whilst being with a partner with a history of eating disorders? Is it terribly insensitive of me to start this? Should I be going about it more subtly and just making very small changes to my diet? Or is it best to be open with her and trust that she will tell me if this is ok or how I can do this without triggering her or bringing back unpleasant thought and memories? As I've said, I think she is in a good place with her body and may be able to handle in, but she says some concerning things sometimes and the last thing I want to do is cause her undue distress.

Any thoughts or personal experience would be really appreciated.

Thanks from Laura

Liftng4Lis · February 2015

IMO, I would want you to be honest with me. If it turns out to be a problem later, then you two can deal with it together.

ana3067 · February 2015

I second honesty. Also you don't need to make food changes to lose weight, btw. all about caloric deficit. I mean.. she will eventually notice your weight loss, especially sine your goal (according to ticker) is 30lbs overall.

snitchcatcher · February 2015

Thanks for the advice, Liftng4Lis

A big concern is that I don't want to treat her as a child who can't make her own decisions and can't know certain things, so you may be right.

gothchiq · February 2015

I would be open with her and mention that you are doing this to be healthy; reassure her that your goals and methods will be reasonable and healthful.

Liftng4Lis · February 2015

snitchcatcher wrote: »

Thanks for the advice, Liftng4Lis A big concern is that I don't want to treat her as a child who can't make her own decisions and can't know certain things, so you may be right.

Just think how hurt you would be if she was keeping something from you. Regardless of what it was, wouldn't it hurt your feelings?

SoulOfRusalka · February 2015

I think it's really kind and thoughtful that you're this worried. I think the best thing to do would probably have an open, honest discussion with her about it. It's natural for her to notice if you've been reducing calories, and if you explain to her that you're just trying to improve your health and fitness, nothing drastic, it would probably be more reassuring. Good luck with everything! ^_^

snitchcatcher · February 2015

Thank you all for your advice. I think I knew really that I should be honest with her. I feel like I am having an affair with my scales at the moment; hiding them under my bed xD I will have a think about how best to have this discussion with her and then we'll talk when it feels like a good moment.

My_Butt · February 2015

I've had an eating disorder for 17 years, and this is the first solid year I've been over it. I actually enjoy helping people when they come to me for tips. Most people with eating disorders are actually very good cooks, and very wise in the kitchen.
If she is, in fact, comfortable with her body, she won't think much of it at all. You'll hurt her more if she finds out you're hiding things from her.

beets4us · February 2015

I used to be in this situation with a roommate. I didn't actively hide that I was trying to lose weight, but I tried to be sensitive. I didn't log in front of her if I could help it, and I didn't bring up weight loss in conversation unless she initiated.

jgnatca · February 2015

I think it would be a good household rule, no sneaking around about food.

segacs · February 2015

I'd say this would be pretty similar to a situation where, say, one partner was an alcoholic and the other was drinking the occasional glass of wine. Which is fine for many people who have come to terms with their alcoholism and developed long-term management skills, but might not be the best for someone who has newly quit drinking. So it's more of an "it depends" sort of thing.

Everyone's different and it really depends on the two of you and your relationship. But I'd say communication is going to be key, here. She's an adult and she's obviously a strong person to have battled back from an ED. You aren't going to win any points -- or relationship cred -- by trying to protect her. I'm sure she'd rather know what you're up to, and see you do it in a healthy way, than feel like you were going behind her back or treating her like someone who couldn't handle it. That spells relationship disaster no matter how you look at it.

Talk it through. Tell her you don't want to be in her face about it, but that this is about you and your own goals. Provided she's comfortable enough with herself, she'll probably cheer you on and offer some good advice.

RodaRose · February 2015

If you can get to a counselor or support group together, that would be great.

starryskies89 · February 2015

Everyone here has good advice and ideas. However I would like to say that if you are feeling unhealthy and need to lose weight to be in good health, then you should respect yourself just as much as you respect her. While it is absolutely great that you care so much for her feelings and want her to be healthy and stable mentally, you shouldn't neglect your own needs as well.
It sounds like you are almost a caregiver for your partner, while this is sometimes a part of relationships I would question if you are taking too much responsibility onto your shoulders. I think healthy relationships start with each person feeling good about themselves.
Don't get me wrong, I am not advocating that you should engage in behaviors that would obviously bother her, but being honest and saying why you are cooking healthier shouldn't be an issue. If it is perhaps she needs to seek more treatment or options for her problems.
I understand life can be so difficult and nothing is as easy as it may seem to others, but don't forget your own importance, it can be a very hard thing to recover from.

lilbea89 · February 2015

Don't lie about your plans. As a person who has dealt with eating disorders for many years (and done a bit of deception myself) there's nothing worse than being lied to, little white lie or not. If your new eating plan starts to feel like a competition between the both of you, then I might get concerned. For now, usually people with ed's are great I the kitchen and a wealth of knowledge about nutritional information, and its a new chapter you both can head on together. You don't have to make it sound like you're on The Biggest Loser, but hiding a major life change can make a person feel untrusted, unworthy, and unhappy. If there is an issue that occurs you have the support of each other to tackle it together.

tomatoey · February 2015

I don't have an ED, but I'm trying to picture her, having ambivalent feelings about her body, watching you weigh your food... I don't know, I can see it being triggering for her (but of course, I'm not her). Especially if you're close in weight. But I don't know.

I think RodaRose has the right idea.

snitchcatcher · February 2015

gotobedhungry wrote: »

Don't hide it from her but don't talk about it too much, either. I feel like eating disorders are kind of like a cancer in some ways... I see recovery as remission more than anything else. I don't believe in the whole "you can never fully recover ever" opinion, but I do think that eating disorders can sometimes spring back up for no apparent reason, after years of recovery. So tread carefully, and emphasize health and strength rather than size and weight. And whatever you do, never question or criticize anything she eats or how she eats it.

Like you say, a lot of it may come down to the way in which I talk about it. Her family can be a bit insensitive and I know she finds it hard when they say things like 'I feel so fat' or 'I can't eat that, it's too fattening'. But we've done well so far with doing a bit more exercise and framing it as being for the sake of fitness and enjoyment rather than weight, so maybe this gives a clue as to a good way forward in terms of how we talk about things.

snitchcatcher · February 2015

starryskies89 wrote: »

Everyone here has good advice and ideas. However I would like to say that if you are feeling unhealthy and need to lose weight to be in good health, then you should respect yourself just as much as you respect her. While it is absolutely great that you care so much for her feelings and want her to be healthy and stable mentally, you shouldn't neglect your own needs as well.
It sounds like you are almost a caregiver for your partner, while this is sometimes a part of relationships I would question if you are taking too much responsibility onto your shoulders. I think healthy relationships start with each person feeling good about themselves.
Don't get me wrong, I am not advocating that you should engage in behaviors that would obviously bother her, but being honest and saying why you are cooking healthier shouldn't be an issue. If it is perhaps she needs to seek more treatment or options for her problems.
I understand life can be so difficult and nothing is as easy as it may seem to others, but don't forget your own importance, it can be a very hard thing to recover from.

I think this is part of the reason I was feeling guilty - I don't strictly need to lose weight. I am in a 'normal' range, just towards the upper end. I am also relatively healthy. I didn't eat chocolate all day long before, but I also didn't give too much consideration to making sure that the meals I cook are nutritionally balanced. I did a bit of exercise but not the recommended amount per week. I am just kind of an average person. So I feel a bit bad for wanting to make a change to my health and weight when it's not obvious that I need to, and when she is only slightly heavier that me. I don't want her to feel that she has do anything to compete. I feel kind of bad because it's not a case of 'I need to lose weight so that I can live longer and avoid health problems'. It's a more selfish 'I want to feel a bit fitter and healthier and maybe dropping a dress size would be cool'.

snitchcatcher · February 2015

lilbea89 wrote: »

Don't lie about your plans. As a person who has dealt with eating disorders for many years (and done a bit of deception myself) there's nothing worse than being lied to, little white lie or not. If your new eating plan starts to feel like a competition between the both of you, then I might get concerned. For now, usually people with ed's are great I the kitchen and a wealth of knowledge about nutritional information, and its a new chapter you both can head on together. You don't have to make it sound like you're on The Biggest Loser, but hiding a major life change can make a person feel untrusted, unworthy, and unhappy. If there is an issue that occurs you have the support of each other to tackle it together.

Absolutely, the last thing I want is for her to feel untrusted and unhappy. She's a very competitive person so I think that if she did want to actively join me in trying to change our lifestyle a little bit, we would have to be extra vigilant against that sort of thinking. She sometimes talks rather wistfully about how good it felt when she lost a lot of weight through her eating disorder, and all the compliments she received. So I think perhaps the temptation to go too far may still be there. But perhaps if I let her know that I trust her enough to tell her, and then we are aware of potential problems, we can find a healthy way forward.

To be honest, she has noticed herself losing weight a bit anyway, without really actively trying. What with the extra exercise we are doing running the c25k together, and me cooking healthier in the evenings (we generally have breakfast and lunch seperately and then I cook dinner for both of us as I love cooking and she has no interest). However, it doesn't seem to be sparking off her past eating disorder so far. She is not over exercising and she is still requesting I cook less than healthy options like enchiladas on occasion. I try to make sure that, even if this adds an extra couple of hundred calories to the day that I didn't really want, I still tuck in happily and show her that I'm not going to be anxious if every meal isn't perfectly low calorie and nutritionally balanced. So maybe I am worrying for nothing. It's just hard when you want the best for someone you love but you're not entirely sure what that is.

jgnatca · February 2015

Your sensitivity love and care will carry you far.

twb119 · February 2015

Is she currently seeing a counselor?If so discuss it with them.I am a compulsive over-eater and a recovering alcoholic.I could not live with a heavy drinker or someone who was obsessed with food and weight,but you do not fit that mold.But everyone is different and if her recovery is sound she will let you know.Your concern is admirable,but you need to take care of yourself as well.It can be very confusing living with someone that is affected by a disease like this and become hard to see how it affects you.(That is the premise of Alanon). Maybe just seeing a counselor yourself can help you decipher what is healthy for you and your partner.I can say, ultimately her recovery is her responsibility and I hated people acting like I was fragile.Though I did understand why and appreciated their motives...Of course,I hated the people that tried to goad me into drinking or eating pizza even more!..Good luck! You can work through this.

Losing weight whilst with a partner with a history of eating disorders

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