Why is it so hard to find a cougar?

I've been on the hunt for a cougar for a couple of months now. I really thought I'd be tanning by her pool reading "50 Shades of Gil" (the book the cougar would publish after meeting me) by now. I've ran out of places to scout. I've tried the library, bed bath and beyond, the mall, coffee shops, the gym, I don't know where else to go. I just want someone mature who won't laugh when I say I wanna get brunch, and visit the aquarium.