Greetings! An Honest Introduction and a Question (Lengthy)

Hi all!

I'm going to be very honest here. (If this is too much, I am sorry. I am looking for support and think that requires honesty on everyone's behalf. )

I have a few mental disorders (SchizoAffective - BiPolar Type, Obsessive Disorder and an Anxiety Disorder). As a condition of our marriage, I began consistent treatment for my disorders. It took a while to find the right mix of the pharmaceutical cocktail that worked for me. But we finally found the right mix. BUT having always had body issues( I was a very curvacious size 10 or 12 all through high school and my twenties and I was always trying to look skinnier and skinnier.) I was terrified of the possible side effect of this "Magic Pill", the one that saved my sanity - "significant weight gain". And, of course, it happened to me. I gained 110 pounds in seven years. My self confidence went from low to zero self esteem.

I finally went to my gyn (the only doctor I saw regularly and had a relationship with - she was my daughter's Sunday School teacher for years) and said, "Either you help me lose this weight or I start throwing up and inhaling laxatives." After much deliberation, she decided to put me on Metformin, a drug for Diabetes that's side effect is weight loss. She said she felt comfortable prescribing it to me because at my weight (267 then), it was more or less diabetic prevention but I had to agree to exercise.

I got a gym membership and began grabbing the machine that was most isolated and trying to figure out how it worked. I didn't have a clue how many reps, set or weights to do. I did a machine for a couple of minutes and left - always wiping the machine down afterward! I probably spent more time cleaning than working out - I was a complete exercise dummy. I just knew everyone there could see how hard this was for me and they were all secretly laughing at me. I then ventured into group classes thinking for some reason these would be easier to deal with. They weren't. They were filled with size 2 Barbie dolls who had lost their smile and never found a way to say "hello".

Until I found a gym buddy. She's a friend of a friend and in excellent shape. She's also missing a leg. She's my total fitness crush. It's amazing the things she has done. She introduced me to a very small class that met a branch of my gym I had never been to before. The women were *so* friendly. The instructor was great. I loved it. This kept going for months (I don't really remember how many.) I lost to 209. I was so proud of myself!

Then the gym buddy had to have surgery on her injured limb. My accountability partner was out of commission. I could find no motivation to drive farther out of my way to a gym where my good friend's absence was incredibly sad to me. I tried the closer YMCA a couple of times and really never found a class I liked and I am so intimidated by the weights and machines room. And the other gym goers weren't as friendly as the further away gym.

My illness kicked in about this time too. I was incredibly depressed. The "should we consider an in-patient visit?" type depressed. Yes, I know I feel better after I workout. I know it with every ounce of my being but i just couldn't do it. We mixed up my meds to try different combos.

Then things started looking positive again. Not over night but over time. I actually returned to school this semester to become a librarian. I don't see misery in every day life. I don't lie in bed all day every day for five days at a time while my husband is out of town (yes, this really happened.)

And then my husband said something that really upset me and that has stuck with me every since. We had been feeling distant and I asked him what was wrong. He responded "You have nothing to talk about You don't do anything. We have nothing of consequence to talk about when we get done with 'How was your day dear' and "what I should cook for dinner". At first, I was infuriated. I homeschool our high schoolers, take care of the house, go to school, chauffeur kids to extra-curriculars, etc.

Then I kind of took it on as a battle armor. I was going to actually work hard at school classes (before, I wasn't of a mind to care) I signed up for a knitting class this week. I signed up for a belly dancing class this week. I bought myself a new interview outfit for a librarian job interview I have next week (thank you Torrid for the adorable clothes!!)

Wow.... trying to wrap it up, I promise!

Today I was at the doctor and I am back up to 226. I hadn't been weighing myself because I have decided I am not going to rely on a number. But I am putting on that battle armor in this area too. I'm getting back on track (starting in the morning) and I am going to get HEALTHY. My goal is no certain weight, no certain size. I'm not meant to be a petite person and I am totally fine with that. I just want to be able run with those future grandkids.

I have no one to go to the gym with and would love it if i had some people who would "be friends" with me or whatever it's called on this site. I need encouragement and support. It looks like a great app and I could use your tips and tricks seeing as how I am a noob.

Thanks if you read all the way through my novella.