judged by your weight

suzeequu
suzeequu Posts: 110 Member
edited November 15 in Motivation and Support
I hate how we are judged by our size...it isnt easy being overweight and trying to date and put yourself out there. I actually had a man tell me once he would rather date an unattractive , uneducated, unemployed girl as long as she had a good body. sad but true
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Replies

  • Arawra90
    Arawra90 Posts: 70 Member
    Very sad but those people aren't worth it! Their loss.
  • pineapple_peach10
    pineapple_peach10 Posts: 239 Member
    I've been there. Had guys tell me things about my weight. One said id be hotter if I lost weight.

    There is a good man out there who will love you at any size.
  • suzeequu
    suzeequu Posts: 110 Member
    pineapple_peach10 wrote: »
    I've been there. Had guys tell me things about my weight. One said id be hotter if I lost weight.

    There is a good man out there who will love you at any size.

    I guess I know I would never be so shallow..dont get me wrong, we all have our types and there is nothing wrong with that. But to come right out and say that ??? I guess people dont know where Ive been and how hard I have fought to get here.

  • mkakids
    mkakids Posts: 1,913 Member
    suzeequu wrote: »
    pineapple_peach10 wrote: »
    I've been there. Had guys tell me things about my weight. One said id be hotter if I lost weight.

    There is a good man out there who will love you at any size.

    I guess I know I would never be so shallow..dont get me wrong, we all have our types and there is nothing wrong with that. But to come right out and say that ??? I guess people dont know where Ive been and how hard I have fought to get here.


    There is a difference between having a "type" and being an ***hole.
  • jkwolly
    jkwolly Posts: 3,049 Member
    suzeequu wrote: »
    pineapple_peach10 wrote: »
    I've been there. Had guys tell me things about my weight. One said id be hotter if I lost weight.

    There is a good man out there who will love you at any size.

    I guess I know I would never be so shallow..dont get me wrong, we all have our types and there is nothing wrong with that. But to come right out and say that ??? I guess people dont know where Ive been and how hard I have fought to get here.
    But can you see the flip side where someone wants to date someone that is in shape, has a similar healthy lifestyle, etc?

    Not saying all overweight people aren't any of that, but it's just what some people are attracted to first bat without knowing any history of said person.

    That being said, I still wouldn't date a huge beefcake with no brainz. And plus, my husband is a smart beefcake haha.
  • suzeequu
    suzeequu Posts: 110 Member
    Right ... but to say weight trumps education ...employment....etc....adds insult to injury ...just say I don't like plus size woman...especially when I'm honest enough to say that's who I am...and he was a very out of shape man himself...
  • jkwolly
    jkwolly Posts: 3,049 Member
    herrspoons wrote: »
    Well, let's be honest. If you date someone or ask someone out who doesn't find fat people attractive would you want them to lie to you?

    Not a great foundation for a relationship is it?
    "I love your cankles!"

    :|
  • Aine8046
    Aine8046 Posts: 2,122 Member
    edited March 2015
    pineapple_peach10 wrote: »
    One said id be hotter if I lost weight.
    Well, that's true for most people - we typically look more attractive ("hotter") when we have healthy weight. Whether you want to hear the truth or not from the person you date is a different question. I prefer the truth and I did not get upset when I was told that I was getting fat recently. In fact, it motivated me quite a bit :)

  • courtneylykins5
    courtneylykins5 Posts: 168 Member
    I'd rather be single than with someone who was with me in spite of my weight. I'm a heavier girl who is very active and healthy. Such is life. There are judgemental people and people who will love and be attracted to the whole you. Overlook the first type and never settle for less than the second type.
  • suzeequu
    suzeequu Posts: 110 Member
    maybe i wasnt clear.........i dont anyone to settle for me or talk themselves into me. I am upfront and honest about where I am with my weight. I told him from the get go and sent full body pics. He was honest, and I was not upset..hurt me with the truth rather than deceive me with a lie is what I always want. My point is, that it was an eye opener that weight truly is a barrier in dating and I guess it is a harsh pill to swallow. Especially when someone tells you you are very pretty, eloquent in how you speak, educated, have a good moral compass..etc...but they just cant get past your physicality. I dont hate myself, nor do I let others determine my self worth. It just shocked me that he couldnt just leave it at YOU ARE TOO OVERWEIGHT..but instead said he would rather date an unattractive, unemployed, uneducated woman if she was thin because that is all that matters to him. I never even met him....and yes I was glad he was honest..but a little too brutally honest .
  • jkwolly
    jkwolly Posts: 3,049 Member
    suzeequu wrote: »
    maybe i wasnt clear.........i dont anyone to settle for me or talk themselves into me. I am upfront and honest about where I am with my weight. I told him from the get go and sent full body pics. He was honest, and I was not upset..hurt me with the truth rather than deceive me with a lie is what I always want. My point is, that it was an eye opener that weight truly is a barrier in dating and I guess it is a harsh pill to swallow. Especially when someone tells you you are very pretty, eloquent in how you speak, educated, have a good moral compass..etc...but they just cant get past your physicality. I dont hate myself, nor do I let others determine my self worth. It just shocked me that he couldnt just leave it at YOU ARE TOO OVERWEIGHT..but instead said he would rather date an unattractive, unemployed, uneducated woman if she was thin because that is all that matters to him. I never even met him....and yes I was glad he was honest..but a little too brutally honest .
    I think you were clear, I just think others maybe either understand where he is coming from, or just wouldn't let it bother them!

    To each his own!
  • lizzocat
    lizzocat Posts: 356 Member
    That is a bit much, I think the polite thing would have been just to say he's not interested, but with the veil of the internet some people feel like they can say anything. Plenty of decent dudes out there though, don't get discouraged by one d**k
  • Wiseandcurious
    Wiseandcurious Posts: 730 Member
    Do I understand correctly that this was a man you never met in person but through some proxy like a dating site, forum etc? You then sent him pics and had the reaction you had? In that case, the result is not at all surprising. Rudely put, but not surprising. A lot of people tend to treat these venues as "relationship-shopping" and go with a check-list, which for some may include a slim body as a top of the list item. Don't get hung up on his words. There must be a minority who go in looking to find a real partner and whose list is headed by priorities similar to yours. The rest don't matter.
  • skater5
    skater5 Posts: 12 Member
    suzeequu wrote: »
    ... I actually had a man tell me once he would rather date an unattractive , uneducated, unemployed girl as long as she had a good body. sad but true

    Oh my gosh, how rude of him to say that. If I may say so, be thankful you discovered how unsavory a character he embodies before having a relationship with this guy. You really dodged a bullet.

  • _Waffle_
    _Waffle_ Posts: 13,049 Member
    pineapple_peach10 wrote: »
    I've been there. Had guys tell me things about my weight. One said id be hotter if I lost weight.
    Do you think he was lying? Would you look worse if you lost weight? Honesty isn't a trait you're looking for?
    pineapple_peach10 wrote: »
    There is a good man out there who will love you at any size.
    It's true. I saw a couple episodes of My 600 lb Life.
  • yopeeps025
    yopeeps025 Posts: 8,680 Member
    suzeequu wrote: »
    Right ... but to say weight trumps education ...employment....etc....adds insult to injury ...just say I don't like plus size woman...especially when I'm honest enough to say that's who I am...and he was a very out of shape man himself...

    Did you really like this person?

  • jkwolly
    jkwolly Posts: 3,049 Member
    _Waffle_ wrote: »
    pineapple_peach10 wrote: »
    There is a good man out there who will love you at any size.
    It's true. I saw a couple episodes of My 600 lb Life.
    LOL

    :s

  • acorsaut89
    acorsaut89 Posts: 1,147 Member
    edited March 2015
    I've seen both sides of this, kind of.

    I recently started online dating and one guy wanted to meet up for coffee or whatever, so I said sure. And so I get out of my car and we are talking for like 10 minutes and he's like ok, gotta go.

    Then he texts me like 10 minutes later saying girl you need to lose weight, you could be so much better if you were smaller. I sent him a big eff you in my head.

    Second, I messaged a guy who had "winked" at me on this site and shown interest. Then he messages me back saying I need to lose at least 100lbs and if I think any guy wants to be with someone as big as me then I'm in serious denial. Oh, and that I shouldn't date until I better myself and I'm ok with myself. Followed by a link to intermittent fasting.

    I'm not against IF, it's just not for me.

    The other side to this is there are those guys who only message me because I'm bigger. They start the message with "Oh I love me a big girl . . . " etc etc. I feel like there's so much more to me than just my size and that I have big boobs and that's all they can focus on. I'm not really insecure, but when men start off with those comments I'm like really? You won't like me if I lose weight and become thinner, you are only encouraging me to stay big and I just don't want that. I don't want someone who wants to keep feeding me and I don't want to stay unhealthy. I don't know what the perfect size for me is, but I definitely feel more self conscious when men send me messages that start with those kinds of things.
  • acorsaut89
    acorsaut89 Posts: 1,147 Member
    There is a good man out there who will love you at any size.
    It's true. I saw a couple episodes of My 600 lb Life.

    Uh no - these people on My 600 lb Life are enablers at its finest.

    They may "love" this person but they aren't showing how much they love them by buying them food all the time.

    Ever notice how those are the most successful are those who begin to not rely on others and start making their own food and cooking their own things? Those who are not asking their partners and families to bring them food.

    Anyone who is on My 600 lb life is more of a support person/care taker than a partner. And they may say they love them, but a lot of times they have stayed out of necessity because they know the 600 lb person couldn't live/survive on their own due to lack of mobility and inability to do many basic every day tasks like using the wash room, cooking, getting dressed, showering/bathing, etc.
  • ew_david
    ew_david Posts: 3,473 Member
    You're making a blanket statement based on ONE guy's opinion?
  • Acg67
    Acg67 Posts: 12,142 Member
    suzeequu wrote: »
    maybe i wasnt clear.........i dont anyone to settle for me or talk themselves into me. I am upfront and honest about where I am with my weight. I told him from the get go and sent full body pics. He was honest, and I was not upset..hurt me with the truth rather than deceive me with a lie is what I always want. My point is, that it was an eye opener that weight truly is a barrier in dating and I guess it is a harsh pill to swallow. Especially when someone tells you you are very pretty, eloquent in how you speak, educated, have a good moral compass..etc...but they just cant get past your physicality. I dont hate myself, nor do I let others determine my self worth. It just shocked me that he couldnt just leave it at YOU ARE TOO OVERWEIGHT..but instead said he would rather date an unattractive, unemployed, uneducated woman if she was thin because that is all that matters to him. I never even met him....and yes I was glad he was honest..but a little too brutally honest .

    Physical attractiveness plays a part in dating? Never would have guessed
  • acorsaut89
    acorsaut89 Posts: 1,147 Member
    Acg67 wrote: »
    suzeequu wrote: »
    maybe i wasnt clear.........i dont anyone to settle for me or talk themselves into me. I am upfront and honest about where I am with my weight. I told him from the get go and sent full body pics. He was honest, and I was not upset..hurt me with the truth rather than deceive me with a lie is what I always want. My point is, that it was an eye opener that weight truly is a barrier in dating and I guess it is a harsh pill to swallow. Especially when someone tells you you are very pretty, eloquent in how you speak, educated, have a good moral compass..etc...but they just cant get past your physicality. I dont hate myself, nor do I let others determine my self worth. It just shocked me that he couldnt just leave it at YOU ARE TOO OVERWEIGHT..but instead said he would rather date an unattractive, unemployed, uneducated woman if she was thin because that is all that matters to him. I never even met him....and yes I was glad he was honest..but a little too brutally honest .

    Physical attractiveness plays a part in dating? Never would have guessed

    It's relatively new . . .
  • yopeeps025
    yopeeps025 Posts: 8,680 Member
    Acg67 wrote: »
    suzeequu wrote: »
    maybe i wasnt clear.........i dont anyone to settle for me or talk themselves into me. I am upfront and honest about where I am with my weight. I told him from the get go and sent full body pics. He was honest, and I was not upset..hurt me with the truth rather than deceive me with a lie is what I always want. My point is, that it was an eye opener that weight truly is a barrier in dating and I guess it is a harsh pill to swallow. Especially when someone tells you you are very pretty, eloquent in how you speak, educated, have a good moral compass..etc...but they just cant get past your physicality. I dont hate myself, nor do I let others determine my self worth. It just shocked me that he couldnt just leave it at YOU ARE TOO OVERWEIGHT..but instead said he would rather date an unattractive, unemployed, uneducated woman if she was thin because that is all that matters to him. I never even met him....and yes I was glad he was honest..but a little too brutally honest .

    Physical attractiveness plays a part in dating? Never would have guessed

    Well OP feels like it was this guys top priority and maybe it was. I don't know him. Hence all the negative calling qualities he would date over OP.

  • joejward95
    joejward95 Posts: 104 Member
    Also you seem to be ignoring what your weight implies. Firstly if you're overweight you're unhealthy, hence biologically men are far less likely to be attracted to you as its in our DNA, the same as in women, to seek out a healthy mate.

    Also if you're overweight it strongly implies you're undisciplined, you may be losing weight now but most people who are fat are not, so its pretty safe to say almost all people who are overweight lack some form of discipline and self control.

    Further on from what was said above, if you don't care for you body, how can you expect someone else to care for you? Honestly, you need to stop blaming others for not being attracted to you for you weight, and instead bite the bullet and just keep losing till you're a healthy size.You can't talk someone out of biology and instinct. Its a harsh truth that I had to face a while ago, and it forced me to work on improving myself till I got to the weight I am at now.
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  • yopeeps025
    yopeeps025 Posts: 8,680 Member
    joejward95 wrote: »
    Also you seem to be ignoring what your weight implies. Firstly if you're overweight you're unhealthy, hence biologically men are far less likely to be attracted to you as its in our DNA, the same as in women, to seek out a healthy mate.

    Also if you're overweight it strongly implies you're undisciplined, you may be losing weight now but most people who are fat are not, so its pretty safe to say almost all people who are overweight lack some form of discipline and self control.

    Further on from what was said above, if you don't care for you body, how can you expect someone else to care for you? Honestly, you need to stop blaming others for not being attracted to you for you weight, and instead bite the bullet and just keep losing till you're a healthy size.You can't talk someone out of biology and instinct. Its a harsh truth that I had to face a while ago, and it forced me to work on improving myself till I got to the weight I am at now.

    People still think like that?
  • joejward95
    joejward95 Posts: 104 Member
    Well it's ingrained into us through millions of years of evolution to be attracted to someone healthy. So yes...
  • yopeeps025
    yopeeps025 Posts: 8,680 Member
    joejward95 wrote: »
    Well it's ingrained into us through millions of years of evolution to be attracted to someone healthy. So yes...

    Was it also ingrained to go after a partner of same skin tone too? That idea has died. So should people being overweight= all negative qualities like overweight is all the same.

  • joejward95
    joejward95 Posts: 104 Member
    edited March 2015
    No, its not ingrained to go after a partner with the same skin tone (im not a biologist, maybe there is some preference. Ill have to look into it later). I personally am more attracted to someone who is Caucasian, maybe its a coincidence that I am Caucasian as well? I don't know enough to tell you for sure. But this is not what I was discussing. Dont bring up race to try and then imply I am a bigot of some form. The fact is that being overweight = greater risk at childbirth , greater risk of illness, implies they have a lack of discipline and care for themselves. Would you want to date someone like that? Because the for the huge huge majority of overweight people this is the case.
  • DawnieB1977
    DawnieB1977 Posts: 4,248 Member
    The thing is it's a dating site, so their first impressions of you (or anyone) are based on physical appearance, and just what they see in a photo.

    When you meet someone in real life, you get to know their personality, opinions, sense of humour etc, so you might overlook flaws.

    I was thin when I met my husband, but I have an hourglass figure, so wide hips, and my husband jokes he chose me for my breeding potential lol. We have 3 kids. I do think men subconsciously look for things like that in a girlfriend.
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