Rethinking the Wagon-Why falling off is not a bad thing

I first joined MFP in 2012. I counted my calories, watched my portion sizes, and exercised every day. The result: I lost over 75 pounds in about 8 months. More importantly, I actually enjoyed the process. It was fun to eat the foods I wanted to eat and still see the pounds drop off and my pants size decrease. People complimented me constantly- I felt like a hero.
As soon as I reached the maintenance phase though, I faltered. I no longer had the excitement of the weight loss to motivate me; I no longer had the fulfillment that comes with binging. I felt like I was in a void. As much as I had cautioned myself against it, I still had grand expectations of my life after I lost the weight. When I started to gain the weight back, I tried desperately to get back on track. My metabolism slowed down (I'm 36, it was bound to happen), but most problematic of all, I couldn't get mentally in the game anymore. It was like I didn't care. I continued to beat myself up; I felt like a failure and an embarrassment. I kept asking myself "How could I let this happen again?" "What is wrong with me?"

A couple of days ago, I had an epiphany. What if my "fall off the wagon" wasn't a failure? When I really thought about it; I wasn't all that bothered by the weight gain. I still feel attractive enough. I have other goals and experiences in my life that I'm excited about. Yes, the weight loss was nice, but it's not like my life drastically changed. I was still the same person, with the same joys and the same problems. The novelty of getting into a smaller size, wore off fairly quickly.

I now realize that falling off the wagon isn't a regression, it's a powerful moment of growth and an understanding of reality, minus all of the false claims that the dieting industry tells us. Other than health reasons, I was trying to motivate myself with something that at a subconscious level I knew was false.

I do want to get back on track, but I'm changing my perspective. I'm embracing the superficial goals. For example, I want to reduce the amount of times I wear Spanx. I want to save money by fitting into the clothes that are already in my closet. I want my thighs to not rub together when I'm wearing my shorts. These are not life changing, but they do improve the quality of my life, just a little. Most importantly, I'm aligning my goals with my new view of weight loss. That feeling of desperation is now gone and I'm able to approach my weight loss in a much more relaxed and peaceful manner.

So this is my advice. Instead of trying to get back on the diet wagon that somebody else is driving, walk the road yourself. Be in charge of your own journey, set your own course and go at your own pace!