VENT - weight and self hatred issues

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cheyenne__brown
cheyenne__brown Posts: 25 Member
edited April 2015 in Motivation and Support
I have always, always loved food, but for a very long time i have severely hateing myself for it. The earliest I remember having confidence issues was when I was probably about 7 years old, I was a very chubby child and I remember talking the issues i had with rolls, a year later I remember all ALL the kids in the changing room calling me fat, like vividly, they were like 'actually Cheyenne, your really fat' and yeah it was horrible, tbh it could have never happened, I could have dreamt it.. Then my stretch marks came in and they were huge, i was scared bc i didnt know what they were, my dad was like 'i thought only pregnant women got them' and my mum was like 'not always' but i could tell she was put out (the other day i was actually talking to her about them and she was like 'yeah they arent normal, not everyone has them, you should get cream') But anyway, I grew up and always had weight issues, but always loved food so kinda had the 'I don't care' attitude but always secretely wishing I was two stone lighter, of the perfect shape or beautiful. Over the years I fluctuated between 10 and a half and 12 stone, maybe getting down to 10 whilst I was doing rowing years ago? I think o should mention I'm 5 ft 11 (so extremely tall) so I know its apparently average for my height but It didn't seem it, and even when I was exercising vigorously I never toned up, it always seemed to be flab, fat fat fat.

Now on to my point, all this time I have been filled with the self hatred that has grown and grown, I hate myself more every day, I hate the way I look, I hate my body and I hate the way I am, everything, no matter what weight I am I look in the mirror and see exactly the same , disgusting girl, I never change, I'm about ten and a half stone now and I want to get down to 9 and a half, 9 if I can, but I can't stop binge eating, I get in to the 'i don't care anymore' attitude and then eat far too much, often averaging waaaaay over 2000 calories a day, and that's why I keep fluctuating between losing and gaining weight, all the while hating myself even more, and I just want it to stop, I want to accept myself but I can't
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Replies

  • snowflake954
    snowflake954 Posts: 8,399 Member
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    I think you know this, but self-hate and non acceptance of self, are issues for counseling. You are young, but this has been going on for a long time--it's not going to magically go away on it's own. Don't keep spinning your wheels. You'll find yourself in the same place, or worse, 10 yrs down the line. For your future happiness, do something about it now. Talk to a specialist. Wishing you the best of luck. B)
  • Camarose79
    Camarose79 Posts: 86 Member
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    How much is one stone? I don't know this weight. But I know the self hatred. I have always thought that I would have far less life problems if only I wasn't fat.
  • cheyenne__brown
    cheyenne__brown Posts: 25 Member
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    snowflake954 wrote: »
    I think you know this, but self-hate and non acceptance of self, are issues for counseling. You are young, but this has been going on for a long time--it's not going to magically go away on it's own. Don't keep spinning your wheels. You'll find yourself in the same place, or worse, 10 yrs down the line. For your future happiness, do something about it now. Talk to a specialist. Wishing you the best of luck. B)

    Yeah I know, I've been going to counselling for about a couple of months, but we never really talk about this kinda thing, Its one of the multiple topics I have issues discussing with her, idk I guess I will eventually, but thank you so much for your support and for replying! :smile:
  • pascalealana
    pascalealana Posts: 14 Member
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    I too suffer from self hatred and binge eating, a lot. It takes time, honestly I have been logging for 48 days and still havent broken my snacking habits. Do you work out? I feel that helps me feel better. You dont get overnight effects but after a week you start feeling better and then a few weeks pass and you can look in the mirror and see bits and peices of progress. Eating your feelings is a lot easier than working out BUT working out gives you such a better feeling and WAY better results. I hope you learn to love yourself soon because you probably have a beautiful body you shouldnt hate yourself. Think of little ways you can improve also cocoa butter everynight for the stretch marks. I do the elliptical 60 minutes a day and feel awesome about myself aftwerwards. It doesnt have to be fast I usually do high levels so a lot of resistance to tone my lower body also drinking a lot of water all helps with being able to look in the mirror. Good luck and I hope you start to feel better!
  • cheyenne__brown
    cheyenne__brown Posts: 25 Member
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    Camarose79 wrote: »
    How much is one stone? I don't know this weight. But I know the self hatred. I have always thought that I would have far less life problems if only I wasn't fat.

    1 stone is 14 pounds or 6.350 kilograms xx
    It's a really difficult issue to overcome :/ but I guess the first step is accepting that weight doesn't influence all of life's problems and accepting who you are
  • rachelleahsmom
    rachelleahsmom Posts: 442 Member
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    Ten and a half stone = 147. At 5 foot 11, this is a perfectly acceptable weight (maybe even light?). Keep seeing your counselor, honey. I know you would never say to anyone else the things you are saying to yourself in your head. So, quit being mean to your beautiful self and try being extra kind to that sweet woman inside.
  • teamgiff4
    teamgiff4 Posts: 62 Member
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    "The Beauty Myth" is a great book and addresses all kinds of issues women have stemming from self hatred. Very insightful. If nothing else, it made me want to rebel against the system that fills our heads with the unattainable idea of beauty and the people that make money off of it!!
  • cheyenne__brown
    cheyenne__brown Posts: 25 Member
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    pascalealana wrote: »
    I too suffer from self hatred and binge eating, a lot. It takes time, honestly I have been logging for 48 days and still havent broken my snacking habits. Do you work out? I feel that helps me feel better. You dont get overnight effects but after a week you start feeling better and then a few weeks pass and you can look in the mirror and see bits and peices of progress. Eating your feelings is a lot easier than working out BUT working out gives you such a better feeling and WAY better results. I hope you learn to love yourself soon because you probably have a beautiful body you shouldnt hate yourself. Think of little ways you can improve also cocoa butter everynight for the stretch marks. I do the elliptical 60 minutes a day and feel awesome about myself aftwerwards. It doesnt have to be fast I usually do high levels so a lot of resistance to tone my lower body also drinking a lot of water all helps with being able to look in the mirror. Good luck and I hope you start to feel better!

    I logged for 45 days religiously, at the end my binging increased and then i kinda gave up and didn't for a month (which was when everything fell apart and I gained a lot - everything I lost) but in trying to get back on track now.. I used to work out on the elliptical trainer every day for 20 mins, high resistance and quite fast, but after a while a really lost motivation for everything and I'm finding it difficult to get started again-but hopefully I'll get there. Thank you so much for the motivation, it really helped! And good luck with your snacking habits xx

  • LavenderLeaves
    LavenderLeaves Posts: 195 Member
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    Is the counselor you're seeing someone who deals with eating disorders? A lot of what you're saying very much sounds like body dysmorphia. Counselors who deal with EDs specialize in such issues. Like someone else said, you're in a healthy weight range. Hating yourself is just making you miserable :( It might be time to try to deal with these feelings, yes? Be a little kinder to yourself, hon!
  • DebbieLyn63
    DebbieLyn63 Posts: 2,650 Member
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    You weigh 147 lbs, if I did the conversion correctly. At 5'11", that is a perfectly healthy weight. You are young, and very tall for your age. You are most likely comparing your weight and size to more petite girls your age. You will not be as thin and petite as someone who is 5'3". You will harm yourself physically and mentally if you attempt to be so.

    Also, at your age and height, 2000 cals a day is NOT a binge, That is a normal amount of calories for you. You have a very distorted idea of what size you should be. This is not uncommon for girls your age. ALL of us had body issues at that age.

    Try to focus on talents, family and friend relationships, and activities that don't revolve around the scale. If you want to firm up, then start some weight lifting exercises. You will build strength, stamina, and can sculpt your body the way you want, without feeling like you have to starve yourself to get skinny like the fake model photos in magazines. You have a long, full life waiting for you. Don't waste another minute of it obsessing over your weight. Focus on health and happiness. <3
  • cheyenne__brown
    cheyenne__brown Posts: 25 Member
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    rachelleahsmom wrote: »
    Ten and a half stone = 147. At 5 foot 11, this is a perfectly acceptable weight (maybe even light?). Keep seeing your counselor, honey. I know you would never say to anyone else the things you are saying to yourself in your head. So, quit being mean to your beautiful self and try being extra kind to that sweet woman inside.

    Yeah I know I wouldn't.. thank you!!xx
  • cheyenne__brown
    cheyenne__brown Posts: 25 Member
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    teamgiff4 wrote: »
    "The Beauty Myth" is a great book and addresses all kinds of issues women have stemming from self hatred. Very insightful. If nothing else, it made me want to rebel against the system that fills our heads with the unattainable idea of beauty and the people that make money off of it!!

    Ooh okay thanks, I'll check it out!
  • Geekymonkey99
    Geekymonkey99 Posts: 63 Member
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    Nine stone = 126, which is underweight for your height. It looks like you should be between 135-180 pounds to be in the healthy weight range. Right now, you're 147. That's pushing it a tad low. You definitely have unhealthy body image issues, and I concur that you should talk to your counselor! For now, maybe try lifting weights to "tone up" so that you reduce your body fat percentage.

    By the way, you're really pretty! (And I'm not just saying that to get your self esteem up.)
  • cheyenne__brown
    cheyenne__brown Posts: 25 Member
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    LavenderLeaves wrote: »
    Is the counselor you're seeing someone who deals with eating disorders? A lot of what you're saying very much sounds like body dysmorphia. Counselors who deal with EDs specialize in such issues. Like someone else said, you're in a healthy weight range. Hating yourself is just making you miserable :( It might be time to try to deal with these feelings, yes? Be a little kinder to yourself, hon!

    She's the generic school counsellor, so I guess she covers those kinda issues too?? I'll try and look in to it, thank you for the advice and support!
  • cheyenne__brown
    cheyenne__brown Posts: 25 Member
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    DebbieLyn63 wrote: »
    You weigh 147 lbs, if I did the conversion correctly. At 5'11", that is a perfectly healthy weight. You are young, and very tall for your age. You are most likely comparing your weight and size to more petite girls your age. You will not be as thin and petite as someone who is 5'3". You will harm yourself physically and mentally if you attempt to be so.

    Also, at your age and height, 2000 cals a day is NOT a binge, That is a normal amount of calories for you. You have a very distorted idea of what size you should be. This is not uncommon for girls your age. ALL of us had body issues at that age.

    Try to focus on talents, family and friend relationships, and activities that don't revolve around the scale. If you want to firm up, then start some weight lifting exercises. You will build strength, stamina, and can sculpt your body the way you want, without feeling like you have to starve yourself to get skinny like the fake model photos in magazines. You have a long, full life waiting for you. Don't waste another minute of it obsessing over your weight. Focus on health and happiness. <3

    All my friends are petit and perfect, and next to them I always feel weird and unproportionate, so I guess that doesn't help,and it kind interferes with everyday life like, it makes me feel *kitten* when I hang around them and try on clothes or look at pictures etc, so that doesn't help..
    When I say over 2000 calories its more like 2400(ish) when I binge, I find it difficult to find the inbetween, I guess I just need motivation to exercise more and work on the perception o have of myself.. Thank you so much for your reply, it means a lot!
  • cheyenne__brown
    cheyenne__brown Posts: 25 Member
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    Geekymonkey99 wrote: »
    Nine stone = 126, which is underweight for your height. It looks like you should be between 135-180 pounds to be in the healthy weight range. Right now, you're 147. That's pushing it a tad low. You definitely have unhealthy body image issues, and I concur that you should talk to your counselor! For now, maybe try lifting weights to "tone up" so that you reduce your body fat percentage.

    By the way, you're really pretty! (And I'm not just saying that to get your self esteem up.)

    Thanks for the advice, I'll try! And thanks, but a good filter really does do wonders :') xx
  • cheyenne__brown
    cheyenne__brown Posts: 25 Member
    edited April 2015
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    Thank you all for the replies, the response and support has been overwhelming, I didn't think anyone would read it, I really only posted it because I have nowhere else to vent about this to without the usual 'shut up' i get from my friends, and i dont want to sound whiney.. thank you all so much! I know Lots of people are going through similar things (and i hope you all get he support you deserve and I hope you find a way to overcome your issues) and I know I need to pull myself together and try and sort things out, I just have a lot of issues atm.. But again, you're all so amazing and thank you all so much for everything <3<3
  • SDB210
    SDB210 Posts: 100 Member
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    I am half an inch taller than you and can tell you that at 10 and a half stone you are not fat. If you feel you are, it could be down to bf% maybe? But all I know is that when I was 10 stone I was super skinny, there were ribs and bones everywhere, at 10 and a half I was skinny but I was happiest at 11 stone (which is my goal weight now) . But I only know this now because I'm looking back. At the time, even at my skinniest I felt fat somewhere!
    Maybe because you've been up at 12 stone (which is still fine for your height btw) and your weight issues as a child you see a fat person in the mirror?
    I have gained gradually over the last few years, on jan 5th when I started MFP I was 13st 5 and today I am down to 11st 5 and although I know I have lost 2 stone and I know I have lost nearly 2 dress sizes and I know I have lost many inches....I still look in the mirror and can't pinpoint what is different! Taking photos and putting them next to eachother to compare really helps.
    Good luck with your counselling, maybe you can bring this up next time seeing as it's not been talked about yet. X
  • sweetcheek03
    sweetcheek03 Posts: 12 Member
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    Cheyenne: I have the same problem of losing and gaining weight. I wish I can weigh 150 pounds. I currently weigh 246 at 5'4". Talking to a specialist about your self hate of your body is great. But u have to get to real reason you hate yourself! It is something else and it's not your weight! Remember you are a Child of God and He made you just the way you are! Embrace yourself and don't give up! I am praying for you! Be blessed and know that Jesus is pleased with you no matter how you feel about yourself!
  • armygirl165
    armygirl165 Posts: 8 Member
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    It worries me how much I can relate to your story - even the part about rowing! I'm still fighting to repair my attitude towards food, and what I've learned is that it is possible to like yourself even as you try to improve yourself! Just try not to think of life in terms of 'when I've lost the weight I'll do/wear/be this' etc. as it just holds you back! I hope you feel better soon :)

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