What do you do when others aren't "supportive"?
hbarnesccs
Posts: 59 Member
I've been serious about my diet for about two weeks now (the first 12 pounds came from just cutting junk and snacks out), and my biggest problem is my mom and her boyfriend.
When I mentioned I was setting myself up to lose 20 pounds, her response was, "Oh, but you look amazing the way you are!" and even after explaining why I was doing it, the response didn't change.
This is coming from the woman who, all during my teenage years, kept telling me that maybe I should cut back, or didn't I think going back for seconds was unnecessary, etc.
She invites me over for dinner all the time, and since they aren't willing to support me, I always feel like a jerk for eating such tiny portions. I am in no way asking them to cater to me or anything like that, but a healthy option would be nice. Even when I have offered to bring steamed veggies as a side, she has said that is unnecessary and gotten mad when I showed up with a big salad to share at the door. Our meals will range from chicken pot pie, to a big bucket of KFC... stuff along those lines.
I love my family and don't want to make this a situation that is ALL ABOUT ME, but how do y'all handle people that aren't exactly supportive?
When I mentioned I was setting myself up to lose 20 pounds, her response was, "Oh, but you look amazing the way you are!" and even after explaining why I was doing it, the response didn't change.
This is coming from the woman who, all during my teenage years, kept telling me that maybe I should cut back, or didn't I think going back for seconds was unnecessary, etc.
She invites me over for dinner all the time, and since they aren't willing to support me, I always feel like a jerk for eating such tiny portions. I am in no way asking them to cater to me or anything like that, but a healthy option would be nice. Even when I have offered to bring steamed veggies as a side, she has said that is unnecessary and gotten mad when I showed up with a big salad to share at the door. Our meals will range from chicken pot pie, to a big bucket of KFC... stuff along those lines.
I love my family and don't want to make this a situation that is ALL ABOUT ME, but how do y'all handle people that aren't exactly supportive?
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Replies
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My parents aren't really that supportive either so I had to find ones outside of my family who supported what I'm doing0
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you don't.
You don't "handle" them at all.
Set your eyes on a goal.
Pick a path that leads you to your goal.
Focus ONLY on that.
Ignore people who doubt you.
Drive on.
you need no other support but your own pure sheer force of will determination. Want it more than life itself and make it happen.
Disregard them- their words require ZERO action on your part. So don't engage.0 -
hbarnesccs wrote: »When I mentioned I was setting myself up to lose 20 pounds, her response was, "Oh, but you look amazing the way you are!" and even after explaining why I was doing it, the response didn't change.
I don't think is being unsupportive. It may not be what you want to hear exactly, but I think it comes from a good place - I think lots of mums would say the same in her position, even if they had made comments about having seconds in the past. 20lbs is not hugely noticeable to people other than you so your mum is probably not concerned about your weight.
You have two super straight forward choices with regards to eating at your mum's house.
1. Go over less often.
2. Continue to eat less food when you are there if the options are calorific.
At the end of the day she's offering you a free meal, try to enjoy that! How about inviting her and her boyfriend round for a healthy meal at your house, then you can kind of demonstrate the food you're into now and how tasty it is. You're an adult, you don't need mum to be 100% on board to get where you want to be.0 -
you don't.
You don't "handle" them at all.
Set your eyes on a goal.
Pick a path that leads you to your goal.
Focus ONLY on that.
Ignore people who doubt you.
Drive on.
you need no other support but your own pure sheer force of will determination. Want it more than life itself and make it happen.
Disregard them- their words require ZERO action on your part. So don't engage.
^This.
Just bring the salad. If your mom says it's not necessary, just say... oh, I know, but I felt like salad today. Say it with a smile. Your mom will get the message.
People don't need to validate you. You provide your own validation.
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(From experience ) you realize you are an adult, in charge of yourself, that while support from people would be appreciated it is not necessary. You are the only voice in your head (in regards to diet or anything else in life ) when times are dark or bright.
In regards to practical application, do not share anything about your goals, if food you don't want is offered..."I'm already content. .thanks " and leave it at that.0 -
Nothing. I'm not relying on anyone to support me in my weight loss... friends on MFP are supportive, sure, but I was also doing just fine before I added people on here. I don't need support, since all I'm doing is just eating at a calorie deficit that is appropriate to my goals and satiety while eating foods I love and doing exercise I thoroughly enjoy. Not like I'm trying to cure diseases or change the world here.
(ETA I eat EVERYTHING. Including chocolate and chocolatey popcorn for breakfast. CICO allows me to not worry about eating tiny portions of food at family gatherings because I can easily work things into my diet - I'm also not set up for a 2lb/week goal hence more calories).0 -
If there is conflict, then make time with each other that doesn't revolve around eating. Like, eat on your own, then plan an activity that is focused on something other than food.hbarnesccs wrote: »I've been serious about my diet for about two weeks now (the first 12 pounds came from just cutting junk and snacks out), and my biggest problem is my mom and her boyfriend.
When I mentioned I was setting myself up to lose 20 pounds, her response was, "Oh, but you look amazing the way you are!" and even after explaining why I was doing it, the response didn't change.
This is coming from the woman who, all during my teenage years, kept telling me that maybe I should cut back, or didn't I think going back for seconds was unnecessary, etc.
She invites me over for dinner all the time, and since they aren't willing to support me, I always feel like a jerk for eating such tiny portions. I am in no way asking them to cater to me or anything like that, but a healthy option would be nice. Even when I have offered to bring steamed veggies as a side, she has said that is unnecessary and gotten mad when I showed up with a big salad to share at the door. Our meals will range from chicken pot pie, to a big bucket of KFC... stuff along those lines.
I love my family and don't want to make this a situation that is ALL ABOUT ME, but how do y'all handle people that aren't exactly supportive?
Since they are not really in charge of what you eat, you could just change the "venue" of your together-time.
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mamapeach910 wrote: »you don't.
You don't "handle" them at all.
Set your eyes on a goal.
Pick a path that leads you to your goal.
Focus ONLY on that.
Ignore people who doubt you.
Drive on.
you need no other support but your own pure sheer force of will determination. Want it more than life itself and make it happen.
Disregard them- their words require ZERO action on your part. So don't engage.
^This.
Just bring the salad. If your mom says it's not necessary, just say... oh, I know, but I felt like salad today. Say it with a smile. Your mom will get the message.
People don't need to validate you. You provide your own validation.
This...and the quote she quoted get a "This" as well.
You don't need their support. Don't look for it. Be your own accountability and your own support system.0 -
mamapeach910 wrote: »
People don't need to validate you. You provide your own validation.
cosign.
I cosign you're cosign to my sign??0 -
This content has been removed.
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You have two options. Knowing what they will serve, work it into your calorie goal for the day and eat with them. Or bring what you want with you and own it. If they aren't going to help you with making things that work for you, then do it yourself. You are losing weight for yourself, thus own it. No one is going to cater to you. You are in this position by your own free will, thus, if you want to maintain it then you gotta do it. When I go to my parents house, my mom makes what she makes and that's that. If I don't want it/like it/whatever, then I bring my own or eat less or make it work in. It's like that. And my mom is supportive, however, my siblings like to chow down so she can never please all of us food wise. And if you were to go to a friends house who doesn't know, what would you do? You control what you eat.0
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Isn't this exact topic being discussed right now in another thread
Yes. I suspect maybe that other thread was possibly inspired by this one and the gazillion others about my parents/sibling/best friend/spouse/partner/roommate/priest/nun/mailman are against me and trying to sabotage me...lol
There are many repeats I've noticed. They seem to go in streaks. You see 1 post about breastfeeding, then the next day there are 9 new threads about breastfeeding. Then the TOTD (Topic of the Day) changes to something else and there's a rash of posts about that. Then of course the herbalife/plexus type threads keep rehashing...
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Isn't this exact topic being discussed right now in another thread
Yes. I suspect maybe that other thread was possibly inspired by this one and the gazillion others about my parents/sibling/best friend/spouse/partner/roommate/priest/nun/mailman are against me and trying to sabotage me...lol
There are many repeats I've noticed. They seem to go in streaks. You see 1 post about breastfeeding, then the next day there are 9 new threads about breastfeeding. Then the TOTD (Topic of the Day) changes to something else and there's a rash of posts about that. Then of course the herbalife/plexus type threads keep rehashing...
I'm sorry. I didn't see another thread after reading through a few pages. I was coming to MFP with something I thought was a legitimate problem, and I'm sorry for sounding whiny or anything along those lines. My family is very close and food has always been a big coming together point for us, and I just wanted to ask for advice. I didn't mean to post a "rash post" that 100 other people were posting.0 -
It just happens that way. I was not trying to pick on you - it's just funny how the topics go in streaks.
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It just happens that way. I was not trying to pick on you - it's just funny how the topics go in streaks.
Thank you for clarifying
And thanks to everyone with a reply. I guess I was partly looking to her for validation - but y'all are right. I'm my own person and I can do this whether or not she's on board. Right? Right!0 -
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hbarnesccs wrote: »Isn't this exact topic being discussed right now in another thread
Yes. I suspect maybe that other thread was possibly inspired by this one and the gazillion others about my parents/sibling/best friend/spouse/partner/roommate/priest/nun/mailman are against me and trying to sabotage me...lol
There are many repeats I've noticed. They seem to go in streaks. You see 1 post about breastfeeding, then the next day there are 9 new threads about breastfeeding. Then the TOTD (Topic of the Day) changes to something else and there's a rash of posts about that. Then of course the herbalife/plexus type threads keep rehashing...
I'm sorry. I didn't see another thread after reading through a few pages. I was coming to MFP with something I thought was a legitimate problem, and I'm sorry for sounding whiny or anything along those lines. My family is very close and food has always been a big coming together point for us, and I just wanted to ask for advice. I didn't mean to post a "rash post" that 100 other people were posting.
meh- you're alright- as @wizzeybeth said- it happens. A lot- and there are cycles of topics.
your fine. The advice remains the same.
Do the best you can either bring your own- or manage with theirs... but as far as actual support- don't worry about it. do you're thing jelly bean.0 -
I've been at this good livin' for over two and a half years...guess what...nobody really cares. If you're counting on a bunch of support and validation from all of your friends and family, you're really in for a very rude awakening. This isn't their safari...it's yours...other people really don't care and you shouldn't expect them to.
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You're using the forums for their intended purpose; you've done nothing wrong. Some people use the forums for entertainment or out of boredom or just lack empathy... that's their problem not yours. @yesimpson gave you excellent advice though so I hope you'll focus on that instead of the dismissive posts.hbarnesccs wrote: »Isn't this exact topic being discussed right now in another thread
Yes. I suspect maybe that other thread was possibly inspired by this one and the gazillion others about my parents/sibling/best friend/spouse/partner/roommate/priest/nun/mailman are against me and trying to sabotage me...lol
There are many repeats I've noticed. They seem to go in streaks. You see 1 post about breastfeeding, then the next day there are 9 new threads about breastfeeding. Then the TOTD (Topic of the Day) changes to something else and there's a rash of posts about that. Then of course the herbalife/plexus type threads keep rehashing...
I'm sorry. I didn't see another thread after reading through a few pages. I was coming to MFP with something I thought was a legitimate problem, and I'm sorry for sounding whiny or anything along those lines. My family is very close and food has always been a big coming together point for us, and I just wanted to ask for advice. I didn't mean to post a "rash post" that 100 other people were posting.
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if she brings up your smaller portions: "Im happy with what i ate, my food choices are not up for discussion. Thank you for dinner."
There is no argument if one side refuses to engage.
Since you know the issue ahead of time, make sure you have a few hundred extra calories saved up, or invite them over for a meal. It's nice to reciprocate. Don't mention the healthy differences between your cooking and theirs, since they're coming for dinner, not a lecture.0 -
I've found that validation from others is great but not always available, even from family. I just don't eat what I know isn't good for me and accept that we aren't going to agree.0
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hbarnesccs wrote: »It just happens that way. I was not trying to pick on you - it's just funny how the topics go in streaks.
Thank you for clarifying
And thanks to everyone with a reply. I guess I was partly looking to her for validation - but y'all are right. I'm my own person and I can do this whether or not she's on board. Right? Right!
Yeah, you'll be fine! You've lost 12lbs already so you know you can do it.0 -
I have learned that with certain family members of mine I won't bring the subject up at all. I have a very pushy stepdad, especially when it comes to second helpings and desserts. He doesn't know that I'm trying to lose weight because it just seems to make him even pushier. I just try to stay strong and stick to my guns.0
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mamapeach910 wrote: »
People don't need to validate you. You provide your own validation.
cosign.
I cosign you're cosign to my sign??
Cosingception.
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hbarnesccs wrote: »It just happens that way. I was not trying to pick on you - it's just funny how the topics go in streaks.
Thank you for clarifying
And thanks to everyone with a reply. I guess I was partly looking to her for validation - but y'all are right. I'm my own person and I can do this whether or not she's on board. Right? Right!
Yes you can. You're still young and learning that you don't need your parents validation is part of becoming an adult. A lot of us don't learn that until we're even older than you, so don't sweat it too much.
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mamapeach910 wrote: »mamapeach910 wrote: »
People don't need to validate you. You provide your own validation.
cosign.
I cosign you're cosign to my sign??
Cosingception.
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I had that problem with my nan. (Note I said had).
Nothing I did was correct in her eyes... I eat salad, I am not eating enough and I will end up with an ED.
I eat burger and chips, I have failed on my diet and I have no commitment.
I dont take a biscuit when offered, I am being silly because 1 wont hurt.
I take a biscuit, I have failed my diet and I have no commitment.
She invited me for dinner and knowing I was watching what I eat she gave me Chicken Kiev, Chips and Onion Rings.
So I started to ignore the comments and just do what I want.
When she asks about my weight loss, I answer the questions but in the shortest way possible and I dont go to her house for dinner anymore.
You are an adult, take control. Do what is best for you and if your mom doesnt support you then find someone who does.
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Just wrote about this yesterday:
http://community.myfitnesspal.com/en/discussion/10134341/you-arent-always-going-to-get-support/p1
A.C.E. Certified Personal and Group Fitness Trainer
IDEA Fitness member
Kickboxing Certified Instructor
Been in fitness for 30 years and have studied kinesiology and nutrition
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Just wrote about this yesterday:
http://community.myfitnesspal.com/en/discussion/10134341/you-arent-always-going-to-get-support/p1
A.C.E. Certified Personal and Group Fitness Trainer
IDEA Fitness member
Kickboxing Certified Instructor
Been in fitness for 30 years and have studied kinesiology and nutrition
Yeah, we were talking about your thread a few posts up.
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This discussion has been closed.
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