VENT - weight and self hatred issues

stepherz84 wrote: »

I am half an inch taller than you and can tell you that at 10 and a half stone you are not fat. If you feel you are, it could be down to bf% maybe? But all I know is that when I was 10 stone I was super skinny, there were ribs and bones everywhere, at 10 and a half I was skinny but I was happiest at 11 stone (which is my goal weight now) . But I only know this now because I'm looking back. At the time, even at my skinniest I felt fat somewhere!
Maybe because you've been up at 12 stone (which is still fine for your height btw) and your weight issues as a child you see a fat person in the mirror?
I have gained gradually over the last few years, on jan 5th when I started MFP I was 13st 5 and today I am down to 11st 5 and although I know I have lost 2 stone and I know I have lost nearly 2 dress sizes and I know I have lost many inches....I still look in the mirror and can't pinpoint what is different! Taking photos and putting them next to eachother to compare really helps.
Good luck with your counselling, maybe you can bring this up next time seeing as it's not been talked about yet. X

armygirl165 wrote: »

It worries me how much I can relate to your story - even the part about rowing! I'm still fighting to repair my attitude towards food, and what I've learned is that it is possible to like yourself even as you try to improve yourself! Just try not to think of life in terms of 'when I've lost the weight I'll do/wear/be this' etc. as it just holds you back! I hope you feel better soon

evahw wrote: »

Hi Cheyenne (pretty name btw)! I can completely relate to this. My entire life from the age of 3 or 4 has been affected by self-consciousness and criticism, from the first day of school right into adulthood.
I've only recently (in the past three months or so) been able to start completely turning this around for myself - wearing clothes I wouldn't have dared to before, and seeing myself in a whole new way... without losing any weight. It's not a magic switch but it's happening faster than I thought and feels really good!
Here are three things I can suggest that I know help me:

1) You are clearly very healthy physically, and the problem is with how you feel about your body, and not with your body itself. You don't need to change your body at all (can't emphasise this bit enough!) but how you see and think about it!
2) Try making a list, starting right now, of all the things you do really like about yourself (both physical and personality/character/ability-wise). This is not narcissism or new-agey BS, it's necessary to like things about yourself - keep the list somewhere safe, add to it when you think of something else you like, and dig it out when you're feeling down or like you're going crazy over certain things that are bothering you. It's a great reminder of all the things you feel great about, and helps to shrink the problems that seemed overwhelming and put them into their place. Honestly, really do give this a go!
3) This was HUGE for me... realising that what other people think about me and my body, positive or negative, is not my issue - it's theirs. Realising that was like realising the heavy bags you thought you had to carry up the mountain don't actually belong to you, and aren't your responsibility. Leaving behind the heavy bags feels great and frees you up - and so does leaving behind other people's issues! If I'm out and someone shouts to me that my derriere is the size of Russia... so what?! I know I'm healthy, and what they think is entirely their problem, not mine! I actually kinda like my big soft cushy tush anyway. Shaking off the responsibility of other people's judgement of you gives you the time and energy to concentrate on what you do own - what you think about yourself.

I know this stuff isn't the magic potion of self-hatred, and that everything will be squeakily perfect when you've read this, but these things really do help me - I thought that maybe they might do something good to you too. I really do hope you get to feel brilliant being you, asap!!

Eva xx
P.S. Stretch marks ARE common, I have them too and I've never been preggers. It's just from where you've grown quickly. Loads of people (especially tall people) get them from growth spurts in puberty, teenage breast and hip development, and loads of other reasons. If some people don't know that, that's their lack of knowledge and not your problem either!

thorsmom01 wrote: »

Your actually at a normal weight for your height, maybe even a bit too light for that height. So even though you can't see it for yourself right now, your definitely not obese .
If you'd like to look more toned , I suggest lifting weights for sure. You'll see that you can tighten up and tone up by starting a lifting routine. Maybe then you will gain the confidence you need.
We all go through times where we don't like what we see in the mirror, and its especially hard for younger people. talking to a therapist is a good idea . best of luck to you ! Start lifting, you'll see many changes in your body !!

Docbanana2002 wrote: »

At 5'11 and 147 pounds you are a perfectly normal and healthy weight. Even if you weren't, that's not a reason for self-hate--it would be a reason for loving yourself enough to start doing some healthier things for your body, as I did when I finally decided I was tired of being morbidly obese.

The problem, therefore, isn't with your body. It's with your mind, and with the way you think about yourself and treat yourself. In this state of mind, you could have a perfect and flawless body that only "Photoshopping" could provide and guess what--you'll still find a way to say you aren't right. Get some mental health counseling so you can learn self-acceptance. This is what you need the most.

brightresolve wrote: »

Cheyenne, I'm so glad for this outpouring of support for you. At your height, your weight is spot-on low-normal as so many have said. Your concerns about body size and image, also (unfortunately) are VERY normal -- not healthy, but NORMAL -- for a woman your age. Some of us never get beyond feeling dissatisfied with our perfectly healthy selves (talking about me here,) and it's sad fighting the same battle into our forties and fifties.

You said you have issues talking with your counselor about the body-image stuff. Believe me, we ALL have issues talking when we get close to the REAL stuff, the stuff our gut tells us we have to defend and keep secret. But hanging on to those secrets is what keeps us suffering.

Of course if you have any instinct that the counselor you're working with isn't a safe space for these issues, it's a different story and you need a different person to talk to. But you do need someone to confide in about the toll these issues are taking on you.

My daughter is just a couple years older than you, so I have the heartstrings pulled by your story and your honesty. Take care of yourself!! If you would like it, here is a warm virtual hug ****HUGZZZZ****