Emotional eater and the stages of your relationship with foo

So I admit it. I was an emotional eater. Don't get me wrong, i used to eat when i was happy and bored as well as stressed and sad. It would be easy to blame my parents - Dad loves his food and new eating experiences and my Mum used to make me clear my plate. The truth is, i can't blame them - because from the age of 19 and since a horrenous trauma at work 8 years ago i alone am the person responsible for what I put in my mouth...and that was where my problems started.

A comfortable relationship with a man and a gung ho relationship with food on nightshifts saw me head from a svelte 10 to a 14. A year off work, emotionally detached from reality saw me balloon from a 14 to an 18. All I did was eat, because for those few minutes, I felt better.

From here on in I yo yo'd between a 16 and a 14. I know I am overweight and I know I am nowhere near as healthy as I was all those years ago, but i almost had reverse body dysmorphia - I looked in the mirror and did not really see really how big I got.

I had concerted effort after concerted effort to lose the weight which culminated in hitting size 12 for 2 months last year...but I got bored of going to the gym and I never really changed what I ate, when I ate or how much I ate.

I was then proposed to in January 2011. I vowed at that point that I would not end up having photos taken of me on the beach looking like I should be in the sea. So, I started on here after my friend suggested it. I thought nothing of it initially. It was quite tedious putting the food in all the time and working out the weights and measurements.

When I started on myfitnesspal I literally had to halve my portions to fit in with the daily allowances. I was hungry, desperate to sit put a little more on my plate. This lasted a month before I had my first epiphany:

"I am half the size of my fireman fiance so I clearly need half the food!"

I started believing that I could live on half the food he had and I started to get used to my portion sizes. Pretty soon I started to feel full after a lot less food and was finding it hard to make the 1200 cals a day. The weight started shifting and I started feeling good.

I then had my second epiphany:

"Everything in moderation, give and take and treats are treats"

Suddenly I would only treat myself if I had the calories to. If i wanted chips, I would have chips but I would have less of them and make up for it by having less to eat at my next meal. I have learnt never to deprive myself of anything or else I will want it more and more. Now I allow myself but control it, and enjoy it and finish eating it when I have told myself i will.

Slowly I started to enjoy exercising - and have found someone at work to run in with an do circuits with in the morning. It makes me happy to be having support in exercise and life again and I have seen that really, if i just get off my bum and DO SOMETHING it doesn't last for ever and I feel and look better with it. Which brings me to my third epiphany:

"If you don't feel like doing it - MAKE YOURSELF!"

Exercise makes me feel great, a natural high that doesn't make me fat...everytime I feel like passing it up for the day I imagine myself on the beach with my new husband being carried along in a tiny wedding dress in the surf.

Pretty soon I started to realise something - you guessed it - number four:

"Diets have a start and a finish - if i want to maintain this I have to view this as a lifestyle choice"

This has no finish for me. I have to learn to eat better things and get the goodness I need from food to make me strong and healthy and happy FOREVER. This cannot be something that I get bored with if I want to be naturally a good frame.

Slowly with reduced portions, better food and exercise the weight started to drop off. I began to know what hungry was again. That little grumble in your tummy, the one I had not had for years because i was constantly topping myself up. It started to feel nice to have that grumble before i ate. And when I ate I found out what full was. Full is not "I can't move, have to undo my trousers and i feel a bit sick" Full is making the grumbling go away but not filling yourself up to bursting point. When the grumblng goes I know I have had enough. I started to eat slower and drink inbetween mouthfulls to stop me from inhaling my food...epiphany number five:

"Slow down and listen to your stomach. Its not a race or an eating competition!"

Tonight I think i had my sixth epiphany:

"Food? Meh...!"

I genuinely was not bothered about dinner. This is the eat-for-the-sake-of-it-because-it's-a-mealtime girl. The one who even though she isn't hungry will have something anyway. I went food shopping tonight, BEFORE dinner - something I could never do before through fear of buying half the shop to eat in the car on the way home - "cheeky little chocolate bar to keep me going? Don't mind if i do!"
I did not buy anything to eat on the way home, i did not even think about it. I did not think about dinner once on the way home and when I got in, unpacked the shopping, fed the dogs and sat down to watch the TV I did not think about dinner.

I have realised tonight how unhealthy my habits and attitude to food were. I was literally obsessed by it, constantly thinking about my next meal, how much i'd have, when I could justify eating. Now I plan my meals in advance to make sure they are healthy and filling. But after they are planned i forget about them.

In fact - it took me til 2115 hrs to realise I had not eaten. Mainly because i have taken to eating breakfast like a king, lunch like a prince and dinner like a pauper. I realised tonight that I can control myself - and if I dont feel hungry, I won't eat for the sake of it...I ended up having a banana, which is fine because thats all i needed.

I realise this is a bit of a lengthy post so well done if you got this far. I have come on such an amazing journey all because of this site and the friends I have made here. I have now lost almost 23 lbs in 4 months. If I can lose the same again before next February, which should be more than do-able I will be smewhere near to my goal weight.

Have any of your had a similar series of epiphanies on your journeys? Make sure that you stick with this people...seriously if i can do it (Miss dysfunctional with food) then you certainly can. Good luck! x