Divorce is killing motivation....

m0nsterdad
m0nsterdad Posts: 37 Member
edited November 17 in Motivation and Support
I'm 44 and going through my 1st divorce...
It went from mutual and civil to really messy almost over night....I love my kids more than life and just found out my wife has to move out of state for a legitimate better job offer. I can't deny her or my kids that opportunity. The depression of not being there for all the laughs, tears, scraped knees and dances is killing me inside...how does a person stay focussed during a time like this?

Replies

  • zoeysasha37
    zoeysasha37 Posts: 7,088 Member
    It's going to be really tough . but its great that you've already realized that denying your kids this opportunity would be unfair to your kids and wife. Surely it's going to be the most difficult thing ever watching them go , but just know that it's not forever. Surely you'll be able to plan trips to see them or maybe they can visit you over the summer months . I know its not the same as seeing them every day, but sometimes in life we can't always get everything we desire. :( I would definitly look into some type of counseling or therapy to try to help sort your feelings out . just know that you'll get through this. Many of people go through divorce and come out of it okay. But yes there's no doubt that its going to be a rough road for a while. Best of luck to you ! Hugs !
  • Calliope610
    Calliope610 Posts: 3,783 Member
    I'd start looking for job opportunities in the area your STBX found her new employment.
  • m0nsterdad
    m0nsterdad Posts: 37 Member
    Thank you for such kind words to a stranger...
    It will be a tough road indeed, I am already seeing a therapist for this and it's helping some, I do realize that I need to fully open up for it to truly serve its purpose...I just haven't gotten to that point yet....but I'm working at it for sure.
    I just know a backslide at this point would prove to be catastrophic....
  • m0nsterdad
    m0nsterdad Posts: 37 Member
    Calliope610 wrote: »
    I'd start looking for job opportunities in the area your STBX found her new employment.

    I do plan on that...I'm still under contract with my current employer for another year, but that may be a good thing...that'll let the dust settle and allow for the healing to begin....idk, still all to fresh in my head.
  • kirstfk
    kirstfk Posts: 21 Member
    I dont know what age your kids are and I know its a very poor substitute but remember there are things like facetime now too - I know of someone in a similar situation who is using this (with his ex's help as his daughter is only a year old) and after finding it almost impossible to start with he now feels that it helps him to see that she is well.
    Letting the dust settle is a great idea :)
  • snickerscharlie
    snickerscharlie Posts: 8,578 Member
    How far away will the kids be going? Will it be feasible for you to see them from time-to-time?
  • DeFYneME
    DeFYneME Posts: 97 Member
    Dear Monster dad, Firstly I'm really sorry to hear its become messy...
    I strongly believe our children look up to us... whether we're there or not... and so to keep you motivated... remain focussed and think of the role model that you want to be for them... I am a single parent with my children with me 24X7. and while my ex doesn't at all see them, and my separation was messy( still is), I've had to think about how they see me... How i feel about myself will reflect on them...
    I'm sure if you remain focussed, you'll achieve your weight goals and will be able to meet them happily more than often... keep going...
  • zoeysasha37
    zoeysasha37 Posts: 7,088 Member
    I think that eventually looking for a job near her and the kids is such a great idea!! Then you can see them often while still living your own life separate from your ex. Even if you just rent a small apt there to see how it goes ( after your able to find a good job there ) will be nice. Either way it's going to be rough but seeing the kids often will be wonderful. Last summer I was a few days away from filing for a divorce. We had issues that we just couldn't work through. So I had to sit down and think about moving, sharing custody of kids , and I was absolutely distraught. It's terrible. We haven't divorced and are living together still ,but even the thought of it was very hard . so I can't imagine how you feel right now but I do know that many people can get through it just fine and actually end up being happier in the end.
    So just know that as long as your kids are always #1 priority and their best interest is involved with each choice you make , that you'll be okay. Many people act off of spite and end up doing things that they regret and hurt the kids in the long run. So every step of the way, think about them and what's best .( which it seems your already doing by acknowledging the fact that denying the job opportunity would be wrong)
    When my sister caught her husband cheating she literally went all Carrie Underwood ( before he cheats song lol ) on her ex. She took a hammer and broke out all his car windows, destroyed his possessions, and basically went wild. The kids witnessed most of her crazy behavior and it really traumatized them. She used bad judgment and it only led to more drama and trouble. Their divorce could've went much smoother if she would've behaved like an adult and the kids wouldn't have been so hurt by seeing her act that way. So my point is, as long as you do the right things you'll be okay. It sucks but be strong :)
  • aylajane
    aylajane Posts: 979 Member
    Definitely skype or facetime. You need to see their expressions, eyes etc. Make it a standard bedtime thing where you call 30 min before bedtime and find out all about their day. Ask them for the best thing and worst thing that happened to them today. And be sure to share what is going on in your life with them too. Its not the same as being there, but you actually could end up with an even better relationship with your kids in the long run than many full time parents do, simply because they end up so busy with getting through the tasks and chores and responsibilities of the day they dont spend the time to sit and talk and listen to their kids. You get that luxury now.
  • snickerscharlie
    snickerscharlie Posts: 8,578 Member
    edited April 2015
    ^^^This
  • m0nsterdad
    m0nsterdad Posts: 37 Member
    I am so thankful for all of your responses!
    I'm glad I decided to post this after having second thought of just coming off whiny.
    My son is 10 and daughter is 15 and i've been by their side since birth....I know FaceTime and the like will ease things, and I like the idea of it opening up communication, but it'll never replace being able to hug my son everyday when he gets home from school or wiping the tears from my daughter's face when she gets her heart broken for the first time....it makes my heart cry just to think about it.
  • My_Butt
    My_Butt Posts: 2,300 Member
    Find a high intensity workout. My sister in law just passed away Friday night from suicide, and when I did my insanity workout Saturday night, it was a sense of relief to escape the world for 40 minutes and just focus on the instructor.

    Yoga may also help to center your mind and calm your thoughts.

    Good luck.
  • Shell4624
    Shell4624 Posts: 32 Member
    m0nster, I feel for you and wish you the best of luck. Stay strong. While my situation isn't the same as yours, i too am faced with deciding to divorce, yet we are both here in the same state and still living together although in separate rooms. Any way you slice it, it sucks. It actually hurts deep inside. what I can say is that remember your happiness is a choice. Everyday you wake up (with that sour gut feeling) make the choice to have today to be a happy one. Pick yourself up and force happiness. Soon enough waking up happy will be your new normal. It takes time, but each day it will get better. I love the ideas of using technology to connect. That will bridge the distance for the time until you can relocate. God bless you, stay strong and make the choice to be happy.
  • fmpro
    fmpro Posts: 15 Member
    She can't find other opportunities in state? If the divorce is not final, I'd fight her on this one. Divorce is a devastating process. Hang in there, it gets better with time.
  • m0nsterdad
    m0nsterdad Posts: 37 Member
    Shell4624 wrote: »
    m0nster, I feel for you and wish you the best of luck. Stay strong. While my situation isn't the same as yours, i too am faced with deciding to divorce, yet we are both here in the same state and still living together although in separate rooms. Any way you slice it, it sucks. It actually hurts deep inside. what I can say is that remember your happiness is a choice. Everyday you wake up (with that sour gut feeling) make the choice to have today to be a happy one. Pick yourself up and force happiness. Soon enough waking up happy will be your new normal. It takes time, but each day it will get better. I love the ideas of using technology to connect. That will bridge the distance for the time until you can relocate. God bless you, stay strong and make the choice to be happy.

    Thank you for your response...I know happiness is a choice, however this type of sadness is not.
    It's unfortunate and I know things will get better in a different way...but I'll never get over missing my children...
  • m0nsterdad
    m0nsterdad Posts: 37 Member
    fmpro wrote: »
    She can't find other opportunities in state? If the divorce is not final, I'd fight her on this one. Divorce is a devastating process. Hang in there, it gets better with time.

    There are really no opportunities in the area...I even agree with that...
    I don't plan on giving up without a fight, however, I don't want to create a situation that will negatively affect the kids even more that they are now...there's a long road waiting for me ahead.
  • snickerscharlie
    snickerscharlie Posts: 8,578 Member
    Thank you for putting the kids first. You're a good person and a great dad. <3
  • m0nsterdad
    m0nsterdad Posts: 37 Member
    snickerscharlie wrote: »
    Thank you for putting the kids first. You're a good person and a great dad. <3

    Thank you....sorry I didn't see your original post until now....
    They will be about a 10-11 hour drive away.
    I will be able to see them however we can work it out, and it's close enough that I can get there if an emergency occurs...
    I just love them so much, and my wife isn't looking at it through their eyes either, they LOVE their dad...I'm proud of them and proud to say I'm a hero in their eyes...to them I can fix anything....but my son asked me last week why I couldn't fix this...it broke my heart.
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