Is there such thing as a rude compliment?

chogg2013
chogg2013 Posts: 2 Member
edited November 18 in Health and Weight Loss
I have recently come to the point in my weight loss journey where people are starting to notice the change (I've officially lost 40 lbs!) but I've come to find I am getting quite sensitive about some of the feedback that I have been receiving. Most people that I have encountered are very motivational and speak about how hard I have been working and that it truly shows, but yesterday I feel that some ladies at my local gym crossed the line. One lady told me that when I return home to visit my family in a few weeks that no one is going to recognize me and that there will be gossip that my boyfriend has returned home with a new girlfriend who is half the size of his old one. At the time I felt quite uncomfortable in the situation, but it wasn't until I further reflected as I was running on the treadmill that these "compliments" simply went too far. I'm feeling more confident than I have in many years, yet these words have left me quite uncomfortable. Has this ever happened to you before?
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Replies

  • shrinkingletters
    shrinkingletters Posts: 1,008 Member
    Ah, the backhanded compliment. Expect many of those as you lose weight, or do better for yourself in any area of your life.
  • Need2Exerc1se
    Need2Exerc1se Posts: 13,575 Member
    Oh yes, there are definitely rude compliments. They are often called "backhanded compliments". You can't change people, so best just to shake it off and move on. 40 lbs!! Great job.
  • baby_firefly_666
    baby_firefly_666 Posts: 192 Member
    edited May 2015
    Yep ^^^ I strongly despise backhanded compliments, but people will dish them out all time no matter what situation. Sucks.

    I guess all we can do is shrug it off, and focus on all the good compliments we get :)
  • TimothyFish
    TimothyFish Posts: 4,925 Member
    Only you can allow yourself to feel uncomfortable about what people say.
  • whmscll
    whmscll Posts: 2,255 Member
    This has not happened to me before, but don't let it bother you. You can't control what people do or say but you can control how you react to it. Focus on the positive, supportive feedback you have received and ignore those ladies at the gym. Perhaps they are just jealous. Or merely insensitive. Don't let it bother you. They are just random people in your life and not important.
  • ew_david
    ew_david Posts: 3,473 Member
    It doesn't sound like she was trying to be rude. Some people just have different ways of phrasing things, but I also don't know what else was said. A rude compliment to me would be something like "You are so beautiful. Just think of how much more beautiful you'd be if you lost 40 pounds." THAT'S a rude compliment.
  • jgnatca
    jgnatca Posts: 14,464 Member
    There's a whole social status/stigma that comes with weight gain and loss, and not everyone is happy about the shift change.
  • callsitlikeiseeit
    callsitlikeiseeit Posts: 8,626 Member
    edited May 2015
    TimothyFish wrote: »
    Only you can allow yourself to feel uncomfortable about what people say.

    that

    i dont think she was being rude, i think she was paying you a compliment! take it!
    _dracarys_ wrote: »
    A rude compliment to me would be something like "You are so beautiful. Just think of how much more beautiful you'd be if you lost 40 pounds." THAT'S a rude compliment.


    exactly!
  • shinisize
    shinisize Posts: 105 Member
    It doesn't matter what size or shape you are, there is someone out there who is going to say something that just isn't really a compliment (on purpose or not).
  • TimothyFish
    TimothyFish Posts: 4,925 Member
    What was said doesn't sound like a backhanded compliment to me. Backhanded would be something like, "You don't look as much like a whale as you used to did." What was said sounds more like what I would call just trying to be friendly.
  • Carol_
    Carol_ Posts: 469 Member
    Yes. I do think people can give rude compliments. However..after reading this 3 times, I believe this lady meant well..and was being nice. I'd just say to her, thank you!
  • bunsen_honeydew
    bunsen_honeydew Posts: 230 Member
    Yes it's rude.

    It is I,plying that your boyfriend would has upgraded to a better kind of girlfriend, one who isn't fat.
  • bunsen_honeydew
    bunsen_honeydew Posts: 230 Member
    Aargh sorry for the phone typos.
  • jkwolly
    jkwolly Posts: 3,049 Member
    shrinkingletters wrote: »
    Ah, the backhanded compliment. Expect many of those as you lose weight, or do better for yourself in any area of your life.
    This.

    Usually comes from jealous individuals.

    Good for you, keep up the good work!
  • TR0berts
    TR0berts Posts: 7,739 Member
    Sounds simply like a joking way of saying that your hard work and dedication has paid off and is noticeable.
  • Holly_Roman_Empire
    Holly_Roman_Empire Posts: 4,440 Member
    That's not a rude compliment. It sounds like she was trying to be funny.
  • atiral
    atiral Posts: 43 Member
    Yes, you will get comments about looking sick and blowing away and concerns about eating disorders. You will have to deal with that for months until people get used to how you look. After that thankfully people will leave you alone unless you run in to someone who hasn't seen you in a long time.
  • jaga13
    jaga13 Posts: 1,149 Member
    Yeah, that's a backhanded compliment in my opinion. She's pointing out how your boyfriend now has some improved girlfriend, which means you weren't good enough before. She probably meant well, as I think most people do, but I get why it makes you feel uncomfortable. You may get more of this, unfortunately. It's hard to react in the moment, but if it happens again, you can try showing her a puzzled expression and kind of play dumb like you just don't get it. She'll feel kind of stupid having to explain the "joke". Or smile and let it go. You ARE good enough exactly how you are.
  • ew_david
    ew_david Posts: 3,473 Member
    jaga13 wrote: »
    Yeah, that's a backhanded compliment in my opinion. She's pointing out how your boyfriend now has some improved girlfriend, which means you weren't good enough before. She probably meant well, as I think most people do, but I get why it makes you feel uncomfortable. You may get more of this, unfortunately. It's hard to react in the moment, but if it happens again, you can try showing her a puzzled expression and kind of play dumb like you just don't get it. She'll feel kind of stupid having to explain the "joke". Or smile and let it go. You ARE good enough exactly how you are.

    How did you get that out of the OP?
  • JSurita2
    JSurita2 Posts: 1,304 Member
    This doesn't sound like a rude compliment to me at all. I took it as she was saying you look like a different person who is half the size you used to be. I'd totally take that gracefully!
  • Curtruns
    Curtruns Posts: 510 Member
    I guess I don't see the rudeness in that....but then again I am not one to waste time getting upset over other's actions or words
  • LAWoman72
    LAWoman72 Posts: 2,846 Member
    That was a weird thing to say, but I wouldn't necessarily consider it rude, just somewhat on the crude side.
  • crazyjerseygirl
    crazyjerseygirl Posts: 1,252 Member
    As someone who is inadvertently rude SEVERAL times I can assure you that some people just don't mean it. You can be upset and peeved, you don't have to take a compliment just because it was meant as one. your emotions are your own, but if it helps to know that there are just some very socially awkward nutballs out there that say dumb stuff, well it's true.

    Or she might be a jerkhole in which case, what does her opinion matter anyway?
  • ashypashy7
    ashypashy7 Posts: 50 Member
    Backhanded compliments. Mostly doled out by jealous people. Did she seem like she was trying to be rude or did it seem sincere? I try not to assume everyone is being backhanded when giving me a compliment, drives you nuts.
  • MamaFunky
    MamaFunky Posts: 735 Member
    I totally get what you are saying. On one of my before and after pictures I posted over a year ago someone said they like my before picture better. I was about 15 lbs heavier. That wasn't really a compliment but still. I was like thanks a lot! lol!
    You've done a great job, so be proud! Congrats on the weight loss!
  • Altagracia220
    Altagracia220 Posts: 876 Member
    I think a lot of people here make a good point. It's possible that it was a backhanded complimented but I believe the woman could have been trying to be humorous while giving a compliment.
  • Virkati
    Virkati Posts: 679 Member
    Yes. Definitely yes. There are rude compliments. They are usually intended to sound nice, but the reality is that they aren't.

    And it is entirely possible to be uncomfortable with something someone said, because of what they said. Not because you "choose" to be uncomfortable, but because what was said, was rude, or mean, or spiteful, or hateful, or just simply inappropriate. However, your choice now is whether you let it continue to bother you. There are a lot of people who compare themselves to others, and if your progress is faster, better, more obvious than theirs, they get jealous, and their insecurities start to show. Shrug it off the best you can, and just know that it might happen again.

    40 pounds is cause for celebration, so celebrate your success and tell them to go suck a duck!
  • MelWick524
    MelWick524 Posts: 215 Member
    (I've had past struggles with an eating disorder)

    my dad: "You look like you're losing weight again. Are you doing that puking bull****? You better not be. You seem to only lose weight when you're doing that **it."

    OK, so ... I look good? Thanks dad. lol.
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  • Mrsallen6_11
    Mrsallen6_11 Posts: 416 Member
    edited May 2015
    chogg2013 wrote: »
    no one is going to recognize me and that there will be gossip that my boyfriend has returned home with a new girlfriend who is half the size of his old one.

    I can see how that can be considered rude, but I don't think she meant it to sound that way. Sometimes people just don't think before they say something. You just have to brush it off and let it go.
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