Is there such thing as a rude compliment?
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_dracarys_ wrote: »Yeah, that's a backhanded compliment in my opinion. She's pointing out how your boyfriend now has some improved girlfriend, which means you weren't good enough before. She probably meant well, as I think most people do, but I get why it makes you feel uncomfortable. You may get more of this, unfortunately. It's hard to react in the moment, but if it happens again, you can try showing her a puzzled expression and kind of play dumb like you just don't get it. She'll feel kind of stupid having to explain the "joke". Or smile and let it go. You ARE good enough exactly how you are.
How did you get that out of the OP?
How did I get that? Because she said the woman said people will say her boyfriend is returning home with a new girlfriend. What can that possibly mean besides a new and improved girlfriend? I can see how that would make her feel uncomfortable
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I don't think she was being rude. I think way too many people reading into things that are said. That was just her way of saying you are awesome.0
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Ten minutes ago I was making copies and our receptionist said, "stop getting so skinny. You're making me jealous & I'm p*ssed off at you".
I'm sure she didn't mean anything by it but I'm not in the greatest mood today.
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It comes down to context, what's sincere joking between friends who are close enough to speak that way to each other easily becomes bitchy when it's a casual acquaintance. There are some people who just don't get that something appropriate to say to a friend you talk to daily isn't necessarily appropriate to someone you know to discuss the weather once in a while. Or, they do get it, and assume you'll give them the benefit of the doubt when they're really just trying to get in a dig.0
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_dracarys_ wrote: »Yeah, that's a backhanded compliment in my opinion. She's pointing out how your boyfriend now has some improved girlfriend, which means you weren't good enough before. She probably meant well, as I think most people do, but I get why it makes you feel uncomfortable. You may get more of this, unfortunately. It's hard to react in the moment, but if it happens again, you can try showing her a puzzled expression and kind of play dumb like you just don't get it. She'll feel kind of stupid having to explain the "joke". Or smile and let it go. You ARE good enough exactly how you are.
How did you get that out of the OP?
How did I get that? Because she said the woman said people will say her boyfriend is returning home with a new girlfriend. What can that possibly mean besides a new and improved girlfriend? I can see how that would make her feel uncomfortable
It could mean that he's returning home with a new girlfriend. A different girl. Not one place is it mentioned that she is "new and improved." Project much?0 -
I still don't get this as being rude. Clearly she was referring to the "new and improved" her. Not really a "new" girlfriend._dracarys_ wrote: »Yeah, that's a backhanded compliment in my opinion. She's pointing out how your boyfriend now has some improved girlfriend, which means you weren't good enough before. She probably meant well, as I think most people do, but I get why it makes you feel uncomfortable. You may get more of this, unfortunately. It's hard to react in the moment, but if it happens again, you can try showing her a puzzled expression and kind of play dumb like you just don't get it. She'll feel kind of stupid having to explain the "joke". Or smile and let it go. You ARE good enough exactly how you are.
How did you get that out of the OP?
How did I get that? Because she said the woman said people will say her boyfriend is returning home with a new girlfriend. What can that possibly mean besides a new and improved girlfriend? I can see how that would make her feel uncomfortable
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Over sensitivity sucks
You were paid a compliment in a jokey, earthy way ...I'm sure the person who complimented you was amused by his/her own wit and then didn't think twice about it
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An insult would be something like "now you've lost weight I can see how ugly you are"
See the difference?0 -
Yep backhanded for sure. I would get them once my weight loss was really showing. I really didn't care. I either said..."thank you, I am working really hard" or ignored it.
Congrats on the weight loss though that is great!0 -
Thank you everyone for your kind comments! I don't believe that I am an overly sensitive person.. I just left the conversation feeling a bit odd and was just looking for others input and to see if anyone else has ever felt this way. I'm new at this so I'm just reaching out to the MFP community for support
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I have recently come to the point in my weight loss journey where people are starting to notice the change (I've officially lost 40 lbs!) but I've come to find I am getting quite sensitive about some of the feedback that I have been receiving. Most people that I have encountered are very motivational and speak about how hard I have been working and that it truly shows, but yesterday I feel that some ladies at my local gym crossed the line. One lady told me that when I return home to visit my family in a few weeks that no one is going to recognize me and that there will be gossip that my boyfriend has returned home with a new girlfriend who is half the size of his old one. At the time I felt quite uncomfortable in the situation, but it wasn't until I further reflected as I was running on the treadmill that these "compliments" simply went too far. I'm feeling more confident than I have in many years, yet these words have left me quite uncomfortable. Has this ever happened to you before?
Gratuitous compliments suck.
Don't pay any attention to those ladies at the gym, that's their stuff and not yours.:)0 -
Do you have any reason to believe she was being rude? It sounds innocuous and at face value its someone just passing a ccompliment and you are being oversensitive and seeing offence that isnt there. You cnat change what people say no matter how much you expect, but you can decide how you want to react. Perhaps you are reading more into it than was ever there.
Context is important. best they stay clear of making ant comment at all lest people get offended.0 -
Well to me, the fact that you felt uncomfortable tells me that maybe it wasn't exactly what the woman said, but HOW she said it.I yesterday I feel that some ladies at my local gym crossed the line. One lady told me that when I return home to visit my family in a few weeks that no one is going to recognize me and that there will be gossip that my boyfriend has returned home with a new girlfriend who is half the size of his old one. At the time I felt quite uncomfortable in the situation,
As we say in the UK, seems like she was "taking the piss".
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I still don't get this as being rude. Clearly she was referring to the "new and improved" her. Not really a "new" girlfriend._dracarys_ wrote: »Yeah, that's a backhanded compliment in my opinion. She's pointing out how your boyfriend now has some improved girlfriend, which means you weren't good enough before. She probably meant well, as I think most people do, but I get why it makes you feel uncomfortable. You may get more of this, unfortunately. It's hard to react in the moment, but if it happens again, you can try showing her a puzzled expression and kind of play dumb like you just don't get it. She'll feel kind of stupid having to explain the "joke". Or smile and let it go. You ARE good enough exactly how you are.
How did you get that out of the OP?
How did I get that? Because she said the woman said people will say her boyfriend is returning home with a new girlfriend. What can that possibly mean besides a new and improved girlfriend? I can see how that would make her feel uncomfortable
YEah, if OP is now "new and improved" I can see why that makes her insecure about how people USED to see her...were they whispering that her boyfriend could do better? I get that it was a joke, but if it makes her feel uncomfortable, her feelings are valid. It's basically saying "you look so much better than the person you used to be." How about simply "you look terrific!" next time?0 -
I think there are lots of ways to interpret what was said. I try to be glad of my accomplishments, and not be bothered by comments that aren't very nice, or don't line up with my thoughts about my weight. Sounds like you're doing a great job!0
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_dracarys_ wrote: »_dracarys_ wrote: »Yeah, that's a backhanded compliment in my opinion. She's pointing out how your boyfriend now has some improved girlfriend, which means you weren't good enough before. She probably meant well, as I think most people do, but I get why it makes you feel uncomfortable. You may get more of this, unfortunately. It's hard to react in the moment, but if it happens again, you can try showing her a puzzled expression and kind of play dumb like you just don't get it. She'll feel kind of stupid having to explain the "joke". Or smile and let it go. You ARE good enough exactly how you are.
How did you get that out of the OP?
How did I get that? Because she said the woman said people will say her boyfriend is returning home with a new girlfriend. What can that possibly mean besides a new and improved girlfriend? I can see how that would make her feel uncomfortable
It could mean that he's returning home with a new girlfriend. A different girl. Not one place is it mentioned that she is "new and improved." Project much?
He's not returning home with a different girl. OP is the same girl. Losing weight doesn't make her a different girl.
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Feel free to use it!asflatasapancake wrote: »ExRelaySprinter wrote: »
Well to me, the fact that you felt uncomfortable tells me that maybe it wasn't exactly what the woman said, but HOW she said it.I yesterday I feel that some ladies at my local gym crossed the line. One lady told me that when I return home to visit my family in a few weeks that no one is going to recognize me and that there will be gossip that my boyfriend has returned home with a new girlfriend who is half the size of his old one. At the time I felt quite uncomfortable in the situation,
As we say in the UK, seems like she was "taking the piss".
"talking the piss". Not familiar with that one. I think I'm going to use that, if you don't mind. I don't have to pay a copyright fee to use this or anything, do I?
It's "taking the piss" though, not "talking the piss". Lol
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I still don't get this as being rude. Clearly she was referring to the "new and improved" her. Not really a "new" girlfriend._dracarys_ wrote: »Yeah, that's a backhanded compliment in my opinion. She's pointing out how your boyfriend now has some improved girlfriend, which means you weren't good enough before. She probably meant well, as I think most people do, but I get why it makes you feel uncomfortable. You may get more of this, unfortunately. It's hard to react in the moment, but if it happens again, you can try showing her a puzzled expression and kind of play dumb like you just don't get it. She'll feel kind of stupid having to explain the "joke". Or smile and let it go. You ARE good enough exactly how you are.
How did you get that out of the OP?
How did I get that? Because she said the woman said people will say her boyfriend is returning home with a new girlfriend. What can that possibly mean besides a new and improved girlfriend? I can see how that would make her feel uncomfortable
YEah, if OP is now "new and improved" I can see why that makes her insecure about how people USED to see her...were they whispering that her boyfriend could do better? I get that it was a joke, but if it makes her feel uncomfortable, her feelings are valid. It's basically saying "you look so much better than the person you used to be." How about simply "you look terrific!" next time?
I can sort of see your point but for me, saying "new and improved" is not a bad thing. If I lost 40 pounds, IMO that IS an improvement of what I used to be. Even if people USED to see me in a certain way, they don't anymore so I see it as a compliment. But that's just me. I'm not saying OPs feelings aren't valid. I was just commenting on how I took it. That's all.
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Not sure if I would classify the comment as rude but more like cluelessly enthusiastic. I wasn't there so don't know the tone of delivery though.
As for how to respond - if it's blatantly rude (ie, "you'll look so pretty when you lose 50 lbs") then treat it as rudeness. If it's a little vague then I would graciously accept and if they were being malicious they can stew in their inability to rankle you.0 -
Sounds so familiar! At one point, I kept meeting people whom I hadn't seen in years and they all kept saying "you're so thin now" and yeah, I felt embarrassed. But at the same time, they were right and I was chubby before. It was a compliment on my progress, and I never felt let down by it Just see the positive side of things! 0
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Honestly I don't read this as rude. There are plenty of stories where people who have lost weight are not recognized by acquaintances (even family) they haven't seen in a while. Maybe this even happened to the lady who said this to you, and she was anticipating the same for you.
Of course, compliment/insult is all in the delivery, and we can't read that from your post.0 -
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OP, I don't think that the woman who said that to you was trying to be rude. I agree that you were probably too sensitive about what she said.
When I think of a "back-handed compliment," I think of someone actively trying to insult you in a passive-aggressive way. For example: "Oh wow, Alyssa_Is_LosingIt - I love those shoes! You should wear heels more often, as they take the emphasis off your ginormous butt."
When someone compliments you, just smile and say thanks. No reason to get upset about it, as most people are not actively trying to ruin your day just because they can.0 -
I wouldn't take it as rude at all, but we all have different personalities and react to things differently. It would probably also depend on who said it and how it was said.0
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Alyssa_Is_LosingIt wrote: »When someone compliments you, just smile and say thanks. No reason to get upset about it, as most people are not actively trying to ruin your day just because they can.
And if they are, pleasantly accepting the thanks without acknowledging the insult is probably the best revenge.
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