grab a coffee its a long one :)

So a little background I was big (196Ibs) then small (100Ibs) now I'm neither big nor too small (125-130Ibs) , losing weight from 196Ibs to 100Ibs was one of the most rewarding things i have ever done for myself , it gave me a sense of achievement that i never even thought possible i remember dreaming about being smaller
I made some changes the A typical move more eat less , then i started Moving more and eating ALot less , results were flying in i was finally getting the body i had so longed for ..
but that wasn't enough i wanted a body like the fitness models on Instagram so I moved more and ate less i moved so much and ate so little that i couldn't sleep , I couldn't stand anyone looking at me or touching me i felt disconnected I avoided family occasions at all costs i wouldn't dare eat their foods , luckily i was eating under the IIFYM mantra so i deemed no food bad but still i couldn't weigh the food like what if i ate 100g of chicken and only logged 80g that would all matter in the long run but i convinced myself i was happy, in knowing this is what it takes to be successful because this is what the fitness models do day in day out ,, they eat out of tuber ware they don't eat meals out with family .. THIS is what it takes
then I looked at this models and though ok my glutes are flat i don't have lats, where are my shoulders? .. I wanted to be like them but now i just looked small, fitting into children's clothes this wasn't how it was meant to be.. so I looked for a coach a strength coach who would help me build this womans figure that I had now fixated my mind on
I made progress , i saw strength gains i worked on my mentality .. I was "happy"
I was going through all the motions surely someday i would reap the benefits but for now at least I was still slim my weight was still in control.
it wasn't before long he saw right through me and saw my ED tendencies , my skipping breakfast because it makes me hungry so ill eat all my calories in the evening but choosing to fall into bed a few hundred calories short because sure "what harm"
he urged me to seek help
I did .. I was diagnosed with anorexia nervosa (restrictive type)
It took awhile to sink in you mean me being healthy is a Eating disorder , no Im a strong little powerhouse ill prove ye wrong , how do ye think i can squat my body weight with an Eating disorder surely yer over analysing this
Id lay in bed at night because i couldn't sleep wishing my life was different , why do i think so god damn much about food why can't i shut off from this world .. why don't i have the body that reflects my lifestyle , why can all these girls eat more than me and not gain massive amounts of weight, I wished the week away because sunday means i don't have to weigh every ounce of food that enters my mouth , and fries i get to eat fries i would resist the urge all week in the canteen at work to even taste one ill just have some sunday id tell myself
Then last september I stopped birth control i had blood tests taken and lets just say my body wasn't functioning properly that combined with a new job and kind of forgetting to take it, i decided this is properly the break i needed , ( ZERO sex drive was a problem in my long term relationship)
then this new thing started happening something that was a new world to me
BINGE EATING
at first it started off by eating a little more than usual , followed my extreme guilt, followed by promising myself this was never going to happen again ..
back on the diet .. then the urge would come back only this time it was stronger this time the hunger felt like i could not control it , so id give in but only if i promised to not eat anything the following day , of course I was ridden with sugar cravings the following day that made it so hard to restrict , what was wrong with me?? food is controlling my life
I wished i could live life without food , that it didn't exist it only brings misery but there was this little voice in my head that wanted me to get stronger in the gym so I belted on
the first binge lead to an immediate jump in the scale (10Ibs) to be exact i knew this wasn't all fat because science so i prayed for the scale to drop
only it never did, no matter how much i tried to eat as little as possible during the week i would stand on the scale on a sunday and it would read back that god awful number
frustration crept in , i vowed to eat better exercise more and the scale would have to drop
during the week things would be good , Id get up skip breakfast eat lunch , come home gym and eat salad have my little accounted for treats and bed ..
but god forbid something would take me out of my routine how would i cope ?
I wouldn't , Id eat breakfast fail at life because I'm a massive failure who eats breakfast binge all day be so sick and promise it would NEVER happen again
i blamed my hormones all this started happening when i gave up birth control and some of that does ring through , hormones play a big role ladies especially when their unbalanced
I wished i was dead , because at this stage death was better than being fat , might sound dramatic but i meant it, but i just wanted it to be fast , painless , just finished no more pain no more cravings no more wishing i was someone else , just let me die let me die being slim because at least people will say i died being beautiful.
I was so tired of being hungry i was so tired of fighting to be the girl who rocks every workout I was so tired of wishing i could eat a god damn few fries during the weekdays
I would fall asleep and wish and pray that i wouldn't wake up , and if i did that something miraculous would happen that i would no longer want to eat that food would have lost all its power over me, the binges became a little more frequent and became bigger i would rush to the shop and eat as much as i could because tomorrow my new diet would start again

there was one particularly bad one where i felt so sick , i couldn't face eating more but i knew i had to , because if i didn't eat the ice cream i would never again taste ice cream this was my last chance I ate so much i felt so sick , i mean violently sick , my heart was fit to jump out of my chest , i was having hot flushes my body was almost jumping out of its skin , I couldn't stop going to the toilet my stomach was in bits , i wanted to vomit i wanted this evil thing out of me. I never again wanted to eat i wished i could bottle this feeling and every time i felt like eating i could remember how this felt but i couldn't vomit i tried i failed ....

this was out of control , i was out of control.
why me ?? i was so disciplined before now I'm useless , utterly useless , a failure

every promise i made that i would never again do it made me think uncontrollably about it, i went through every scenario in my head to make me think of ways out of it , appetite suppressants , binge one day restrict 6 other days , what could i do to lose this weight I need to be 110Ibs again i was happy back then .. wasn't i?? doesn't 110Ibs equal happiness

OK i need to be more disciplined this is a minor blimp in the road I'm back on contraception my hormones will balance cravings will stop , i will lose the weight and be happy again

then it hit me , insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results

I was insane , at least i was driving myself insane
maybe restricting wasn't the answer maybe it was worth trying something new
so thats what i did , i woke up ate a massive breakfast , ate fruit stuffed myself silly, i didn't even attempt to stop myself , i thought ok what will i eat next and what will i eat for lunch dinner whats snacks will i eat , after eating my admittently large breakfast i went to the kitchen ok nothing is off limits what will i eat now . nothing appealed to me , no i told myself i need to eat more because I've a huge appetite i looked in the cupboards desperate to find something that would appeal to me to me.. nada .. chocolate peanut butter nothing sounded appealing
ok i grabbed a handful of raisins and forced them back my mouth , nope almost immediately i knew i didn't want them , ok maybe ill go to the shop for something , nah i couldn't even be bothered
uh .. this was frustrating , an apple maybe ? nope didn't feel like it , this is insane this are all the foods i crave why didn't i want them

something felt weird i felt calm, i motored upstairs and just got ready ii forgot about eating

then it hit me , i can eat later theres no need to force everything into my mouth right now because today I'm not restricting , i felt good.. i felt happy

you see where this is going

with that i decided to not track macros or calories something i wanted to do for a long time but feared it , this was my AHA moment
something wasn't working so I'm trying something new

the way i was going i was going to end up either fat or dead anyway ..

so now ill god damn eat when I'm hungry but ill try to make good food choices because I'm fortunate enough to be able to afford good food . I'm focusing on my mental well being and not the shell I'm in, because i never again want to feel like i don't want to wake up

so please take it from me , live your life , let fitness enhance it not ruin it if fitness isn't your thing read a good book exercise your mind , stop worrying about calories and how many jackie eats to maintain her 5'2 120Ib frame .. who cares ? .. our bodies are smart exercise your brain and your body will follow
if counting calories is stressing you out, take a break , breath dont worry you can resume counting tomorrow if needs be, i promise you this ..
find balance, technology is a fabulous thing but we weren't born into this world to be logging onto apps calculating our foods , they didn't own scales to weigh their vegetables .. for god sake people life is too short if you eat all fatty foods your probably gunna be fat its not rocket science , practise mindfulness, moderation , educate yourself , if eating copious amounts of sugar is making you crave more sugar maybe you need to look into that, women balance your hormones (believe me they matter more than we realise) ...
be grateful of the shell thats going to deliver you to your grave, don't invest in a car invest in your body and hell if you have extra money invest in a car then,

just enjoy life for what it is, its more than worrying about food, lifting weights, jobs, cars,..
its the morning sunshine , its the sheer ability to be able to get up out of bed in the morning, your heart beating in your chest , having the eyesight to read this post , your childs smile when you allow them a ice cream cone, your wife's homemade dinner, that box of chocolate your husband brought you to say he loves you but you wouldn't eat because it would make you fat haha !! Ive missed out on so many memories because i feared food ,
from now on , i say no more.... for one second don't regret what happened to me or wish i could change it because every path we take leads us to a new path ..
Im no where near where i want to be in life but I'm the closest I've ever been , I'm not in MY perfect body yet (note i said MY) but I'm where my body needs to be to heal my mind ,

I am proud to be where I am today because I fought to be here and i have no intention of giving up now i will never again take this beautiful life for granted.

Much Love , and well wishes

Samantha xx