VERY OFF Topic--I'm depressed
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I've exhausted all my other friends and family with my sob story so I've come here, to a fitness forum, where no one knows me to seek some sort of comfort or maybe someone with a similar experience.
About 3 weeks ago, May 8th, to be exact, my husband confessed to having an affair. He was very hard and indifferent when he told me this, over the phone nonetheless (he never came home that Saturday night). He said it was the 6 years of unhappiness married to me that pushed him to do this. He asked me, "What did you think was going to happen?" He then proceeded to say that he would take care of the kids financially. I asked him if he wanted to work things out, go to counseling, etc. He rejected me. I think that hurts more than the betrayal. I still love him. He was my best friend. We have two kids together, a one year old and a 4 year old. I want to hate him. People tell me that I should rejoice that I will be happier now. But I don't see the light at the end of this dark tunnel. Every time he calls my heart skips a beat and I think, maybe today, maybe today he will ask me to forgive him and take him back. But no. He's still with this girl. Some random girl that he met at a gathering with some friend's that I didn't know he had and he got drunk and apparently since I wasn't pleasing him sexually he had some casual drunken sex with this girl. And instead of being remoresful and never seeing her again and being honest with me he continued to meet up with her. And I guess the sex was really good because she even got taken to the Sheraton Hotel a couple of times and apparently after two months they are in love. I hurt. Physically and emotionally. I feel disgusting. I've lost more weight now than I should, I'm at 112 and I'm 5'4. My goal weight was 120-117. I feel guilty. Like this is my fault because I didn't pay enough attention to my husband's needs.
But I'm a good person. I tell myself this every day. I'm a good person. I'm a good mother. I work. I'm good to my friends. People genuinely like me so I'm having a hard time understanding why my husband hates me.
This past Saturday he and I chatted. He called in that indifferent tone of his. And then suddenly his voice changed. And for the first time I ever I heard some remorse in his voice and it gave me some hope. He cried on the phone. And he said that I hadn't deserved that. He told me that the previous day was the first time he had cried since the entire incident because he turned on my laptop and went into YouTube and apparently I had left this sad song on. And he said the song made him put himself in my position for the first time. I needed to hear him cry. But at the same time it gave me this false hope because he still doesn't want me back and he's still sleeping with this girl. It doesn't make any sense to me. I want to say to myself, 'Goodbye, I'm done with you.' But I can't. Is that pathetic? I want my husband back. I don't want to remarry some one else or raise my kids by myself.
I just can't understand when he stopped loving me.
`
About 3 weeks ago, May 8th, to be exact, my husband confessed to having an affair. He was very hard and indifferent when he told me this, over the phone nonetheless (he never came home that Saturday night). He said it was the 6 years of unhappiness married to me that pushed him to do this. He asked me, "What did you think was going to happen?" He then proceeded to say that he would take care of the kids financially. I asked him if he wanted to work things out, go to counseling, etc. He rejected me. I think that hurts more than the betrayal. I still love him. He was my best friend. We have two kids together, a one year old and a 4 year old. I want to hate him. People tell me that I should rejoice that I will be happier now. But I don't see the light at the end of this dark tunnel. Every time he calls my heart skips a beat and I think, maybe today, maybe today he will ask me to forgive him and take him back. But no. He's still with this girl. Some random girl that he met at a gathering with some friend's that I didn't know he had and he got drunk and apparently since I wasn't pleasing him sexually he had some casual drunken sex with this girl. And instead of being remoresful and never seeing her again and being honest with me he continued to meet up with her. And I guess the sex was really good because she even got taken to the Sheraton Hotel a couple of times and apparently after two months they are in love. I hurt. Physically and emotionally. I feel disgusting. I've lost more weight now than I should, I'm at 112 and I'm 5'4. My goal weight was 120-117. I feel guilty. Like this is my fault because I didn't pay enough attention to my husband's needs.
But I'm a good person. I tell myself this every day. I'm a good person. I'm a good mother. I work. I'm good to my friends. People genuinely like me so I'm having a hard time understanding why my husband hates me.
This past Saturday he and I chatted. He called in that indifferent tone of his. And then suddenly his voice changed. And for the first time I ever I heard some remorse in his voice and it gave me some hope. He cried on the phone. And he said that I hadn't deserved that. He told me that the previous day was the first time he had cried since the entire incident because he turned on my laptop and went into YouTube and apparently I had left this sad song on. And he said the song made him put himself in my position for the first time. I needed to hear him cry. But at the same time it gave me this false hope because he still doesn't want me back and he's still sleeping with this girl. It doesn't make any sense to me. I want to say to myself, 'Goodbye, I'm done with you.' But I can't. Is that pathetic? I want my husband back. I don't want to remarry some one else or raise my kids by myself.
I just can't understand when he stopped loving me.
`
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Replies
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very sorry to hear that..Stay strong and you will recover in time. And no, its not your fault!!0
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I have not been there myself. But a friend is going through this, almost the exact same story. It has been longer for her and she is doing better. She is getting through it and realizing she deserves better. Even reconnecting with old friends and has come out of the depression into a happy place. Best of luck to you,0
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I'm so sorry!!
Allow yourself to feel what you feel. Don't tell yourself, or let others tell you, that you should be feeling like "this" by now, or like "that" by then.
Stop beating yourself up, this isn't your fault and you're allowed to be terribly sad. And don't feel like you've exhausted all your friends and family. They'll want to be there for you!!
Lots of love to you xxxx0 -
I have nothing to offer but my condolences --- I don't think this is the kind of situation where strangers can offer advice.
Be strong, honey. Eventually, you will have to talk away that awful little voice blaming yourself, but for now you are allowed to be sad. Be there for your kids, and time will eventually heal you in ways that may not seem possible now.0 -
Hope things work out. Its not your fault and dont blame yourself. 100% forgiveness needed and a fresh start. Praying it works for you0
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I am so sorry. I wish there was a word I could say or a wand I could wave that would make the pain stop but... it's going to hurt, for a while. For a long time.
It's normal that you want him back, that you want to make things work. It's not pathetic - you love him. That builds over time and doesn't just switch on or off at our convenience.
I hate to say it but if he says he doesn't want to work it out and that he's in love with this other girl then there's nothing you can do to fix it. When or why he stopped loving you doesn't really matter in the grand scheme of things - what does matter is that he isn't going to be in your life anymore
It's... just going to hurt for a while. I'm so sorry *hug*
OH! Don't forget! This is NOT your fault! If he had come to you with problems and tried to work it out and you refused that would be different but you had no idea something was wrong and he went and made it better for himself by doing something awful. DO NOT BLAME YOURSELF!0 -
It is not your fault at all. wish i could tell you that everything is going to be fine soon but while I believe that you will be fine eventually. it may take some time for you to come to terms with his decision.
I am not sure what else to say, just that if you need to vent feel free to do so. while this may not be the right forum for that I know that most everyone here is very supportive of other members and will try and comfort you during this rough time in your life.
Take one day at a time and just know that it was his mistake and until he admits that he will remain indifferent, I hope he comes to the make the right decision and knows how it's going to affect all those around him.
Best of luck to you.
Martin0 -
It won't be easy, it never is. But everything happens for a reason. You will be better off in the end. Sorry this had to happen to you, but don't blame yourself. There were two people in this marriage. Be strong, for your kids and yourself.0
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I have not been there personally, but my brother has. He tried to work it out with her, and made more of an effort to save his marriage than I ever would have. Especially considering she was the one that cheated... with 9 guys.. Anyway, it does get better. It's a long road, but then you have this one good day, and then a while later another good day. Until they come more often. My heart goes out to you.. I can't imagin how your heart must ache. Your road may be long, but I hope it's smooth..0
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I'm sorry to hear you are going through this and I personally have never been through it with a husband and I don't have kids. But any man who cheats on you, blames you, and then doesn't even show remorse is not worth it. You are in love with the man you married, which he clearly is no longer that man, he's changed. And don't blame yourself or let him blame you. If he was so unhappy he could have told you, could have suggested ways to make the marriage better. Instead of cheating he should have tried counseling and everything else first. The fact that you were willing to forgive him and be with him still should have meant something to him. And although he cried to you and feels bad about what he has done, he didn't take responsibility and try to make it work first. It is not your fault and although you are going to be upset for awhile and the thought of raising kids alone and having to remarry is scary, you will be fine and come out much stronger with someone better which is what you deserve.
He should have considered your feelings before the affair, should've considered the kids before he cheated. And the woman he is with is just naive to think he will not do the same thing to her when he gets bored.0 -
First off am so sorry this happened and the pain/hurt you are feeling.
There is no way to comment on the personal things you mention regarding the intimacy of marriage so I won`t.
All I can say is that no matter how much it hurts please try to take a deep breath and a step back.
My opinion is that this guy is really a lowlife (sorry) and I base that on what you say about a one nighter starting it...it did not I bet and think he has been on the prowl for a long time.
One of those guys that wants the chase not the commitment.
You deserve better then to long for a person like this. :flowerforyou:0 -
You will be surprised at how strong you can be when you have no choice. You will be in my prayers, if that's okay. Continue being the better person in all of this.0
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oh my. im so sorry you are going through this right now. this is a tough spot to be in and there are no right answers about what to do or how to handle this kind of heartache. the only advice i can give is, take care of yourself. Go see someone, a therapist, a conselour, get the support you need while you are searching in this dark place for the answers that will help you heal. this news that your husband broke to you is still very new, give it time. i think it will become clear with some time what the next steps need to be in order for you to live life again.0
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Oh Rubie I am so sorry! I completely understand what you are feeling! The only thing I can say is think about your children. If your marriage doesn't work they will get hurt and no one wants that for their children! You are a beautiful women, insde and out and he is the one loosing in this situation. Yes he will help financially but I bet he will be missing his kids! I would say let things the way they are, let him go. If he is sorry he will come back. Believe me, experience! That time apart will help you and him think alot! If he is not sorry its best for all of you to go your own way! Stay strong!0
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Wow I feel for you. My sister just went through a similar situation. The different part is she was married for 45 years and kids of course grown up but she stopped eating and lost 60 lbs. without trying. Just sick all the time. All I can say is take care of yourself through what ever the end result is for yourself as well as your children. So sorry this is happening to you. It sure doesn't seem fair that someone can step into someone's marriage with no regard for the spouse in the situation. Your husband needs a boot in the *kitten*!!! I hope the new one dumps him!0
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and I agree with the others, it is going to take time and be very hard to deal with, you are allowed to be sad. Don't feel like you can't turn to your family and friends anymore, they should be there for you no matter what. They may tell you that you deserve better or that you should hate him, but it is only because they truly want better for you and they hate him for hurting you. They should still be there for you no matter what. It's going to hurt and you need time to heal.0
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Wow...just wow.
First off, what your husband did (and is still doing) is a reflection of his own selfish natures and desires -- not at all due to any failures on your part as a wife/lover/mother.
He did a lousy thing and it doesn't make sense, so please try to not make sense of it. And although he did a lousy selfish thing, he is still your husband. He's still dad. He's still family, and as you've self-confessed; still the love of your life and your best friend. Rejocing that he's "gone" won't make you happier.
But - I don't know that getting 'back together' right away (no matter how remorseful he sounds) is the best answer right now either...not without getting to the root of the issues in your releationship.
Here is my two cents. I think counseling to keep the family together would be a positive step, but of course, he would have to be willing to make that commitment. In the meantime, and I know this will be virtually impossible, try to focus on yourself and your little ones -- NOT on why he is doing the things he is doing. No matter how you slice it, things are going to be rough for awhile - so make sure you keep your family and friends close by for awhile. And remember, it's ok to hurt. It sucks -- for sure. But it's ok.
Give things some time so you can look at them with clearer eyes -- no need to make permanant decisions right now. Love your kids, love yourself, surround yourself with love. I wish you the best0 -
Rubie im sorry your going thru this, but please think long and hard
about why you really want him back is it comfy? security? habit?
I know you love him but do you truly want to be with someone who
will just walk out on you and your children anytime he pleases?
trust me he WOULD do it again if he gets away with it this time
hold your head up and never let him see or hear you cry, if your
attitude changes I guarantee his will as well, as long as you are
begging and crying he will be in control the minute you change your
mind about wanting him back and tell him to just call about kids
and let him know you are going to file separation, child support
ect you will be in control.
He wont like it! he will change his attitude.
Im not saying you are ready to do all this, but he dosn't have to know
that.
I wish you all the luck in the world please don't let yourself be abused
and this is exactly what he is doing.
feel free to email me if you need anyone.0 -
my heart is just breaking for you. I dont think you should be concerned with unloading your feelings on people. they may get tired of it....but its therapy. you NEED to cry, vent, ask, ponder and do all you need to do to get it out. Your, in essence, dealing with the mourning process. Its like dealing with a death but its the death of your relationship with someone you loved. EVERYTHING your feeling is valid. Dont feel guilty for missing him or wanting him back. Yes he is jerk and no he doesnt deserve you, but you cant just turn it on and off, you wouldnt be human if you could. I would suggest finding a support group for people who have been through this. I dont know if your religious but if you are, find a pastor and set up counseling with them. And the best thing you can do is quit worrying about the future. Throw yourself into your kids and give them all the love you can cause you are all going through this together. They need you as much as you need them. Take care of the here and now and let the future take care of itself. Good luck to you and I know you will come out on the other end of this stronger
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I am so sorry that you have to deal with this. I too have been severely depressed. While my situation is not the same as yours, i can relate. In February, I was sexually assaulted. I have been feeling guilty, like I cheated on my husband. Through a third party professional, I have discovered that it is not my fault. Things like this do not occur because we deserve it. You are a beautiful person. It is only natural to feel such great amounts of remorse. Without struggle we would not know how to love. While some struggles are much harder than others, you are dealing with something to make you a stronger person. It may feel lonely currently but soon you will see how great of a person you are. If there is any advice to give, I don't wish to share the casual, "keep looking on the brighter side" nonsense. Try to take joy in the little things though. Count your blessings and know that eventually you will find peace within yourself. This isn't your fault. You didn't just cause your husband to stop loving you. There is something going on the other side of this, something he failed to communicate with you before these events happened. I wish you luck and love.0
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