Broken-hearted but motivated

aewaters10 · June 2015

My husbands family moved into our 2 bedroom apartment 4 moths ago, well, lets just say, most people would have trouble with their in-laws living with them, but this situation is so much worse, his mom, sister, dad and niece all move in, and none of them have jobs or are showing any effort to obtain one. His sister is a borderline personality and meth addict, his dad is an alcoholic who hasn't been able to hold down a job for years, and his mom believes 48 is too old to work and she feels entitled to live with us and have us pay her way. On top of all that we have a 1 year old. I have just reached my stress limit, I cannot stand these people living in my home, not contributing anything. I have been very unhappy lately.

Well last week, my husband lied to me about staying late at work, he was actually at his brothers house planning how to tell me he doesn't want to be with me anymore. He is frustrated with me because I am so unhappy and negative all the time, and all I do is complain about his family. Well he is right, he works all week and I am a stay at home momm it isn't fair that most of my interactions with him are me complaining. But it also isn't fair to put me in a situation that makes me miserable and then decide he doesn't want to deal with me anymore. We talked it through, and he acknowledged that his family is taking advantage of him, he recognized that his relatives are more difficult to handle than your average person. He told me he still loves me but just cant deal with me being so unpleasant all the time. That is totally fair. I don't want to be so unhappy either. We ended with, yes, it is going to be hard until his family is gone, but I will work hard to be better at coping with it.
But also, I am so unhappy with myself for being so overweight, I have no confidence, I just don't like anything about myself. I will never be a good wife for him as long as I hate myself so much. As hard and as painful as what happened was, I think it was my wake-up call. I NEED to lose weight, not just for myself but for my family, I ddon't want my daughter growing up with two homes, I love my husband more than anything and I don't want him to leave me, but unless I like myself I dont think I can be the person he deserves. If I was happy with myself, all the other stuff wouldn't seem like such a big deal. I have done really well the passed week, I am refusing to let little stuff bother me, I wont vent to my husband every day, I have been making great food choices and yesterday i started walking and I just can't thino of a good reason to not do it every day, I am feeling positive, and I am letting go of the emotional blow of being told he doesn't want me. If he still doesn't feel the same about me when I have finished my journey, then I guess there is nothing I can do, but hopefully I will be healthy and confident when and if that time comes.

I can't fail this time, I wont fail.

jennifer_417 · June 2015

Sounds like you really have a tough situation. Is there anyone outside the family you can talk to? I know what it's like to be in tough situations with no one to talk to, and it's hard. If not, I hope you can find some solid folks on here for support. Add me if you like.

Also, don't take the entire weight of the situation on yourself. There's plenty of fault to go around, and you should have some say over what's going on in your household. Your husband should also be willing to accept some of the responsibility and realize that you are miserable because of a situation he created, and getting rid of you won't make his life any better.

LKArgh · June 2015

You have a 1 year old. You have made the choice (yes YOU made a CHOICE, since you are an adult) to move a meth addict and an alcoholic into your home, with your baby. And you think the problem in your life is you do nto look hot enough for your husband. No. The problem in your life is your stay at home days should be over and even living with your husband for now should be over. Because you are not a doormat, you are a human being. And you are a mother, so being a doormat right now means you are hurting your child. Focusing on weight loss and lookign good is the perfect example of discussing the drapes colour when your house is on fire. Abuse comes in more ways than your husband hitting you or calling you names. Forcing yourself into a situation where your baby lives with addicts, this is endangering, neglecting and exposing your child to abuse. Whether you look like a supermodel or are 400 lbs overweight, it is a minor detail in the big picture. And please no, do not say that in your 2 bedroom appartment that currently houses 6 people your baby is sheltered from the 2 addicts.

aewaters10 · June 2015

aggelikik wrote: »

You have a 1 year old. You have made the choice (yes YOU made a CHOICE, since you are an adult) to move a meth addict and an alcoholic into your home, with your baby. And you think the problem in your life is you do nto look hot enough for your husband. No. The problem in your life is your stay at home days should be over and even living with your husband for now should be over. Because you are not a doormat, you are a human being. And you are a mother, so being a doormat right now means you are hurting your child. Focusing on weight loss and lookign good is the perfect example of discussing the drapes colour when your house is on fire. Abuse comes in more ways than your husband hitting you or calling you names. Forcing yourself into a situation where your baby lives with addicts, this is endangering, neglecting and exposing your child to abuse. Whether you look like a supermodel or are 400 lbs overweight, it is a minor detail in the big picture. And please no, do not say that in your 2 bedroom appartment that currently houses 6 people your baby is sheltered from the 2 addicts.

Wow, that escalated quickly. No, I made the choice to not force her 8year old daughter to live in crappy motels with drug dealers. Also, if you think turning family members away, who are in need of help is the right thing to do, well that is your prerogative, obviously she isn't doing meth here at my home, cps was informed of her situation and she did pass her drug test, yes she is making bad decisions, but I wasn't going to let her and her 8 year old live on the streets. Also, you need money to buy alcohol and as I explained, he has no job, so clearly he has no access to alcohol. You also seem to be under the impression that being an alcoholic makes him inherently dangerous. He's just a depressed man who uses alcohol to self medicate, he isn't violent or mean or dangerous, just irresponsible and lazy. You must have lived a very sheltered life, but addiction doesn't make you a dangerous or abusive person, addiction comes in different forms and manifests in all kinds of different people. Thinking that way is very nieve and is the same as thinking just because someone is religious they wont abuse their children. I am not stupid, if I thought for a second my child was not completely safe, obviously I would have gotten these people out of my home. Other than explaining why he doesn't have a job, the fact that he is an alcoholic is pretty irrelevant, there are different degrees and it doesn't make you a dangerous person because you have an alcohol problem. As far as his sister, she has a serious mental illness, and has had addictions her whole life, she isn't a danger to anyone but herself and her daughter. But by allowing her daughter to stay with us until she gets on her feet, we are keeping her safe. I am not a child, and your talking to me like I am is so incredibly disrespectful, when you don't know the details of a situation you don't pass judgment based on assumptions, my husband has no tolerance for drama, so if anything, ANYTHING, were to happen he would kick them out in a heartbeat. ANYWAY my problems with them are not their habits, but that they have been living in my home for free and don't seem to be even trying to get out, and mostly the same issues that would stress anybody out when people are living with them. You jumped to a lot of ridiculous conclusions in your response by the way. Looking hot enough for my husband? You pulled that out of thin air. What I clearly outlined was a desire to be happy with myself, so that maybe I will see things from a happier perspective, that way I wont be bringing my husband down all the time with my negative attitude, oh you know and to be healthy and free from many of the issues being overweight causes.... Also, being a doormat, while that might be how you choose to describe making a sacrifice to help people in need, the way I see it is trying very hard to keep a civil relationship between myself and my inlaws, they aren't currently doing anything illegal or self destructive, they are just leaching.
Ps. I bet you have known people who use, but you couldn't tell, people can use for years and still keep jobs and be functional members of society. And no my daughter isn't "sheltered" because what those people are to her is loving family members. But yes she is safe.

LKArgh · June 2015

aewaters10 wrote: »

aggelikik wrote: »

You have a 1 year old. You have made the choice (yes YOU made a CHOICE, since you are an adult) to move a meth addict and an alcoholic into your home, with your baby. And you think the problem in your life is you do nto look hot enough for your husband. No. The problem in your life is your stay at home days should be over and even living with your husband for now should be over. Because you are not a doormat, you are a human being. And you are a mother, so being a doormat right now means you are hurting your child. Focusing on weight loss and lookign good is the perfect example of discussing the drapes colour when your house is on fire. Abuse comes in more ways than your husband hitting you or calling you names. Forcing yourself into a situation where your baby lives with addicts, this is endangering, neglecting and exposing your child to abuse. Whether you look like a supermodel or are 400 lbs overweight, it is a minor detail in the big picture. And please no, do not say that in your 2 bedroom appartment that currently houses 6 people your baby is sheltered from the 2 addicts.

Wow, that escalated quickly. No, I made the choice to not force her 8year old daughter to live in crappy motels with drug dealers. Also, if you think turning family members away, who are in need of help is the right thing to do, well that is your prerogative, obviously she isn't doing meth here at my home, cps was informed of her situation and she did pass her drug test, yes she is making bad decisions, but I wasn't going to let her and her 8 year old live on the streets. Also, you need money to buy alcohol and as I explained, he has no job, so clearly he has no access to alcohol. You also seem to be under the impression that being an alcoholic makes him inherently dangerous. He's just a depressed man who uses alcohol to self medicate, he isn't violent or mean or dangerous, just irresponsible and lazy. You must have lived a very sheltered life, but addiction doesn't make you a dangerous or abusive person, addiction comes in different forms and manifests in all kinds of different people. Thinking that way is very nieve and is the same as thinking just because someone is religious they wont abuse their children. I am not stupid, if I thought for a second my child was not completely safe, obviously I would have gotten these people out of my home. Other than explaining why he doesn't have a job, the fact that he is an alcoholic is pretty irrelevant, there are different degrees and it doesn't make you a dangerous person because you have an alcohol problem. As far as his sister, she has a serious mental illness, and has had addictions her whole life, she isn't a danger to anyone but herself and her daughter. But by allowing her daughter to stay with us until she gets on her feet, we are keeping her safe. I am not a child, and your talking to me like I am is so incredibly disrespectful, when you don't know the details of a situation you don't pass judgment based on assumptions, my husband has no tolerance for drama, so if anything, ANYTHING, were to happen he would kick them out in a heartbeat. ANYWAY my problems with them are not their habits, but that they have been living in my home for free and don't seem to be even trying to get out, and mostly the same issues that would stress anybody out when people are living with them. You jumped to a lot of ridiculous conclusions in your response by the way. Looking hot enough for my husband? You pulled that out of thin air. What I clearly outlined was a desire to be happy with myself, so that maybe I will see things from a happier perspective, that way I wont be bringing my husband down all the time with my negative attitude, oh you know and to be healthy and free from many of the issues being overweight causes.... Also, being a doormat, while that might be how you choose to describe making a sacrifice to help people in need, the way I see it is trying very hard to keep a civil relationship between myself and my inlaws, they aren't currently doing anything illegal or self destructive, they are just leaching.
Ps. I bet you have known people who use, but you couldn't tell, people can use for years and still keep jobs and be functional members of society. And no my daughter isn't "sheltered" because what those people are to her is loving family members. But yes she is safe.

You are letting your husband blame you. You are letting yourself blame your weight. You are describing a hell to live in, you turning into the most gorgeous looking woman ever will not fix this. You have the mentality of an abused woman. You have a problem with your husband. The problem being he does not deserve you and your baby. You are not unique, you are one of thousands of woman, your story is common you would not believe it. It is not your weight or your behaviour that is causing your problems. You are being a doormat because you think you need to change to keep your husband and you think you need to try and keep the peace. A husband that loves you, puts you first. Looks at your best interest, yours and your child's. How you look is irrelevant. No man ever left or cheated because his wife did nto look hot enough. Get some self esteem girl. You have your life ahead of you.

aewaters10 · June 2015

jennifer_417 wrote: »

Sounds like you really have a tough situation. Is there anyone outside the family you can talk to? I know what it's like to be in tough situations with no one to talk to, and it's hard. If not, I hope you can find some solid folks on here for support. Add me if you like.

Also, don't take the entire weight of the situation on yourself. There's plenty of fault to go around, and you should have some say over what's going on in your household. Your husband should also be willing to accept some of the responsibility and realize that you are miserable because of a situation he created, and getting rid of you won't make his life any better.

Thank you for your kindness and understanding, I don't really have anyone, but I did have a good talk with my mother in law. I told her what her son had said to me and my feelings about how no one is even trying to get on their feet. My husband is a very laid back person, he hates to ruffle feathers or make waves, he feels obligated to take his family in, (his mom is Mexican and i've learned that they usually have pretty strong values about taking care of family no matter how many times they have wronged you). We just grew up so differently, I was raised as an only child by my grandma, I always had my own space, my own things, the ability to do whatever I want when I want, but he was raised with 2 siblings and more cousins than I can count they come and go from eachothers houses, its no big deal for them to share space and things. That is partly why he is so upset with my complaints, because they are things he wouldn't even thing twice about sometimes. He does agree with me that his dad has no business still living here, but he doesn't have it in him to tell him he needs to leave. Its just sucha ddelicate situation, and his whole family are very touchy people who take everything super personally.

MonsoonStorm · June 2015

Id just like to point out something you put in your posts:

Also, you need money to buy alcohol and as I explained, he has no job, so clearly he has no access to alcohol.

Not necessarily correct, but lets tie it in to the next part:

ANYWAY my problems with them are not their habits, but that they have been living in my home for free and don't seem to be even trying to get out

So... they are in a situation where they have no real outgoing expenses, so any money coming in can go pretty much where they please (food, alcohol, meth, whatever)

I kind of agree with the previous poster in regards to your child. They may not be dangerous to your child, but do you really think that they are setting a good example for life? Do you think your child won't notice the stress, how miserable her mother is, the depression in other family members etc.

Whilst it is laudable that you are trying to help the 8 yr old, does helping her have to come as a job lot with every other family member? At the end of the day you are risking your family's future for the sake of dealing with a bunch of "leeches" to keep the peace. You could always leave an open door for the 8 yr old to stay with you whenever she wished without having the rest of the family living with you.

I think you need to have a very frank discussion with your husband about getting them out. As it stands they have no need/wish to improve their lot. They are happy where they are (leeching off you guys) and for some reason you seem to blame yourself for being miserable. Your marriage is unlikely to survive this long term and blaming yourself for being "miserable" rather than looking at the situation objectively and saying "this is not ok" is just silly.

It isn't unreasonable to think that an addict can go from "functioning" to unsafe behaviour. Just because they are functioning today doesn't mean that they will be functining tomorrow. "Functioning" implies that they have found a way to deal with their addiction in a way that they can carry on without receiving help. Functioning implies that there is no real wish to get better. I hope for your sake that both of the addicts are actually seeking to get help and not just resigning themselves to a life of "functioning" and leeching. Given the current situation, why would they want to change? Are you helping them or facilitating their lifestyle?

Take a good long hard look and try to answer that question honestly without getting defensive. You can't truly help an addict. Only they can help themselves. The best you can do is support them when they are ready.

Honestly, weight is the least of your problems and losing a few pounds isn't going to fix this situation, make you magically happier, or make your husband want to stay with you more.

WaterBunnie · June 2015

If his mother is unwilling to work would she be willing to take over child care duties during the day or just for part of the day to give you the opportunity to get a job? This would give you a much needed escape from the home and perhaps the sense of achievement leading to an improved self esteem? If not then hopefully she'd be able to babysit whilst you exercise to help you with your weight loss? I can imagine you feel very cooped up and have no control of the situation but you can govern you and becoming happier is your first priority here if you're going to cope with it all. Getting work is also a priority if your marriage doesn't survive it as you'll need a way to support yourself.

999tigger · June 2015

I'm a bit gobsmacked how you are jumping to conclusions aggelikik and are being enromously unhelpful imo.

OP its a public forum, people have opinions, but you can also choose to ignore them. from reading your post and what you have written, then things dont sound ideal and a bit crap. I cnat truly tell because I dont know the people involved, you or your husband, but I didnt get the impression or make the judgements that aggelikik seems comfortable in making. You didnt strike me as being abused.

On the plus side the way you have explained it, then you seem to understand why you are unhappy, but can also see your husbands point of view, being caught in the middle. The refreshing thing is that you have managed to talk about things and start to lay a framework on how to get better. You will probably need to talk a lot more and work together to sort this out. I can see his obligations to his family, but he also has them to you and your child to make you happy and not let this situation continue. He therefore has to make a commitment to you:

From him: He will do his best to support and understand you as well as getting his relatives to find somewhere of their own maybe in sheltered accommodation , because the situation should only be temporary and he realises not only is it unsuitable its stressing you and ultimately could threaten his marriage.

From you: You will start dealing with it in a better way in the knowledge its only temporary. That means putting up with some of it and no complaining as much to make him miserable. I dont think its the case of an abused person, just shuting up, but more of an adult making the best of a bad situation. You cna do that because you are an adult, but you also know your husband will support you, its temporary and the relatives also need to pull their thumb out. The relatives should be looking at soem form of sheltered housing or whatever external help they cna get.

Its a two way street, if you dont get the reassurances and knowing they are working to sort it out, then id think there was a limit before you make other choices. Life isnt perfect, but if they arent trying as well, then you need to think about whether you are better off elsewhere.

The weight issue

Its mostly separate as far as I can see. You need to mostly do it for yourself. the above wont change because of your weight, but it cna help you feel better about yourself, which i think was your point. The unhappiness you get from being overweight is in addition to all the other rubbish?

Ill just make two poinys for you:

1. Yes its perfectly possible to lose weight if you learn to do it properly and put that into practice. Theres no reason that cnat be you and as long as you commit, then you can lose it all. Start by reading this guide and you will find heres plenty of help available on these forums.

http://community.myfitnesspal.com/en/discussion/1080242/a-guide-to-get-you-started-on-your-path-to-sexypants/p1

2.This success came to mind as being a superb example of someone dealing with a tough situation and how she lost the weight for herself. What impressed me most was the way she changed for the better as a person and grew massively from a very difficult experience. Weight isnt really the issue in your situation, but as long as you do it for yourself rather than to please others, then thats your choice.

http://community.myfitnesspal.com/en/discussion/971636/my-story-of-sweet-revenge-pics/p1

Good luck anyway. keep it under review and I hope the others make an effort to sort it out as well or you will need to make different choices as to whats best for you.

No man ever left or cheated because his wife did nto look hot enough.

Ofc not aggelikik, never happens.................

460mustang · June 2015

Well, it sounds to me like you are blowing off steam more than looking for advice. You know your situation better than anyone, whether it is safe or not. So I will say if losing weight helps you take your mind off the situation, then do it. Take walks, get some time alone. Losing weight won't make the situation go away, but you will be healthier and hopefully happier and that is good. Good luck, hope you achieve all your goals

jenilla1 · June 2015

aewaters10 wrote: »

...My husband is a very laid back person, he hates to ruffle feathers or make waves, he feels obligated to take his family in...they usually have pretty strong values about taking care of family no matter how many times they have wronged you)...Its just such a delicate situation, and his whole family are very touchy people who take everything super personally.

My husband came from an emotionally abusive family of addicts and manipulators. I feel for you because I can't imagine living like you are for the rest of my life. I wouldn't put up with it and I wouldn't expose my child to it. No relationship is worth that. Thankfully, my husband chose to build a life that prioritized his own wife and family over the demands of his parents. He never really felt close with them, just guilt-tripped and obligated. He's a happier, more relaxed person now that he's moved on from those toxic relationships.

I know you think this is just a temporary problem, but I suspect this is just par for the course with his family. You can probably look forward to much more drama in the future. It really bothers me that he's plotting to dump you. If what you say is true, he's lucky to have you. A lot of women wouldn't put up with deadbeats and addicts invading their homes.

The idea that you have to put up with abuse from family just because it's "tradition" is very dysfunctional and unhealthy. Shared DNA doesn't make a family. Honest, supportive and loving relationships do. (And being supportive doesn't mean letting yourself be taken advantage of.) I wish the best for you, OP. You might want to consider some counseling to figure out both his and your priorities, and to sort out your feelings and what you want for your future.

athenasurrenders · June 2015

What I'm hearing is that you've gone from a small family unit to a large, greatly overcrowded family unit with a lot of extra issues, conflict and financial pressure. And your husband is threatening to leave because you feel unhappy?!

I'd be unhappy living in a two bedroom home with that number of people, unable to get any space or privacy. And that's without added pressures of supporting them financially and dealing with their complex issues (because meth use and alcoholism don't just become fine as long as they're not currently intoxicated). If I was making this SUPREME sacrifice for my husband's family and he dared to be upset with me because I was miserable..... well, I don't know how to express my reaction to that.

It's admirable to want to help your niece but this a) doesn't make you obliged to support the whole family of 4 b) isn't your sole responsibility and c) may be beyond your ability and resources. Is she still getting some kind of support from CPS? How do they feel about the severe overcrowding? How are they supporting SIL's addiction recovery, beyond just drug testing her?

This is not a healthy situation for you or for either of those children, no matter how convenient it may be for the other adults. It's time to make yourself and your baby a priority in your own home and kick up a fuss. Everyone in that house should be contributing one way or another, and everyone should be peaceably working towards them moving on to independence because you are going to break soon.

aewaters10 · June 2015

MonsoonStorm wrote: »

Id just like to point out something you put in your posts:

Also, you need money to buy alcohol and as I explained, he has no job, so clearly he has no access to alcohol.

Not necessarily correct, but lets tie it in to the next part:

ANYWAY my problems with them are not their habits, but that they have been living in my home for free and don't seem to be even trying to get out

So... they are in a situation where they have no real outgoing expenses, so any money coming in can go pretty much where they please (food, alcohol, meth, whatever)

I kind of agree with the previous poster in regards to your child. They may not be dangerous to your child, but do you really think that they are setting a good example for life? Do you think your child won't notice the stress, how miserable her mother is, the depression in other family members etc.

Whilst it is laudable that you are trying to help the 8 yr old, does helping her have to come as a job lot with every other family member? At the end of the day you are risking your family's future for the sake of dealing with a bunch of "leeches" to keep the peace. You could always leave an open door for the 8 yr old to stay with you whenever she wished without having the rest of the family living with you.

I think you need to have a very frank discussion with your husband about getting them out. As it stands they have no need/wish to improve their lot. They are happy where they are (leeching off you guys) and for some reason you seem to blame yourself for being miserable. Your marriage is unlikely to survive this long term and blaming yourself for being "miserable" rather than looking at the situation objectively and saying "this is not ok" is just silly.

It isn't unreasonable to think that an addict can go from "functioning" to unsafe behaviour. Just because they are functioning today doesn't mean that they will be functining tomorrow. "Functioning" implies that they have found a way to deal with their addiction in a way that they can carry on without receiving help. Functioning implies that there is no real wish to get better. I hope for your sake that both of the addicts are actually seeking to get help and not just resigning themselves to a life of "functioning" and leeching. Given the current situation, why would they want to change? Are you helping them or facilitating their lifestyle?

Take a good long hard look and try to answer that question honestly without getting defensive. You can't truly help an addict. Only they can help themselves. The best you can do is support them when they are ready.

Honestly, weight is the least of your problems and losing a few pounds isn't going to fix this situation, make you magically happier, or make your husband want to stay with you more.

I guess it is relevant but I forgot to mention, they don't have vehicles, his dad has not left our house in 4 months, we don't give them money and they don't have a way to make any.
But I absolutely agree, they are terrible examples, yes that is a big part of the problem. I disagree that keeping the peace is risking my families future, one day they will be gone, we gave them 6 months, I was hoping they would be out sooner than that but it doesn't appear to be happening.
I think what I failed to make clear is, the negativity is a long standing issue of mine, and this situation has made me worse, my husband comes home from work and I unload all these complaints on him, and a lot of it is little stuff, not closing cupboards, eating a whole bag chips in one sitting even though they didn't pay tor it, his dad is a contrarian, and it drives me crazy, not putting things back, you know just stuff that annoys most people who have long term guests. I mean therenis bigger issue that warrent complaint, I am just saying I agree that it is wrong of me to be so unpleasant all the time, my husband works hard and doesn't deserve to come home and listen to me yell that the dish rag wasn't put back where I left it. I just believe that a lot of my stressing about little things like that stems from me being unhappy with myself.
To be honest, I have resigned from caring about their recovery, my husband knows that when they do finally leave, they are not welcome back, his dad is only hurting himself, now his sister on the other hand, we can't help her like I said she is borderline personality, she needs serious mental health treatment that she wont submit to. We are more than prepared to get authority involved if need be, the most we can do for her is not enable her behavior at our home. But to be clear, the "situation" is just my inlaws are living in my home and I am not dealingwith it in a proactive way, they have personal issues that put them in this situation, but those issues aren't what is upsetting me, because they have no access to drugs or alcohol at my home, those aspects of their life were only the explanation for why they are living with us.

NoIdea101NoIdea · June 2015

I would be unhappy in your situation.

It's nowhere near on the same scale, but i used to live with a partner who just point blank refused to get a job whilst i worked three jobs to pay all the bills and rent and general living costs because he didn't have any money (but always found the money to buy a ton of drugs on a weekly basis funnily enough). I was so unhappy, it utterly broke me.

Did you agree to let them move in? Did you set an agreed date as to how long it would be?

You say you have a 1 year old; that does not, in anyway, sound like the sort of environment you want a child growing up in (trust me on this one).

Do you have anyone you could go and stay with say once or twice a week, with your child? Just to give yourself a break, your family, a friend or something? How do you think your husband would react if you told him you wanted to take your kid and just stay somewhere else a couple of nights a week? If you phrased it in a way that made it sound like it would be beneficial for everyone, especially if he is 'tired' of your 'negativity'?

Every bit of me is aching to tell you to take your son, move out and tell your husband that you won't return until they have gone, but i'm not going to suggest that as there is far more going on here than i could even begin to imagine how to deal with, but i hope you find your answers.

aewaters10 · June 2015

999tigger wrote: »

I'm a bit gobsmacked how you are jumping to conclusions aggelikik and are being enromously unhelpful imo.

OP its a public forum, people have opinions, but you can also choose to ignore them. from reading your post and what you have written, then things dont sound ideal and a bit crap. I cnat truly tell because I dont know the people involved, you or your husband, but I didnt get the impression or make the judgements that aggelikik seems comfortable in making. You didnt strike me as being abused.

On the plus side the way you have explained it, then you seem to understand why you are unhappy, but can also see your husbands point of view, being caught in the middle. The refreshing thing is that you have managed to talk about things and start to lay a framework on how to get better. You will probably need to talk a lot more and work together to sort this out. I can see his obligations to his family, but he also has them to you and your child to make you happy and not let this situation continue. He therefore has to make a commitment to you:

From him: He will do his best to support and understand you as well as getting his relatives to find somewhere of their own maybe in sheltered accommodation , because the situation should only be temporary and he realises not only is it unsuitable its stressing you and ultimately could threaten his marriage.

From you: You will start dealing with it in a better way in the knowledge its only temporary. That means putting up with some of it and no complaining as much to make him miserable. I dont think its the case of an abused person, just shuting up, but more of an adult making the best of a bad situation. You cna do that because you are an adult, but you also know your husband will support you, its temporary and the relatives also need to pull their thumb out. The relatives should be looking at soem form of sheltered housing or whatever external help they cna get.

Its a two way street, if you dont get the reassurances and knowing they are working to sort it out, then id think there was a limit before you make other choices. Life isnt perfect, but if they arent trying as well, then you need to think about whether you are better off elsewhere.

The weight issue

Its mostly separate as far as I can see. You need to mostly do it for yourself. the above wont change because of your weight, but it cna help you feel better about yourself, which i think was your point. The unhappiness you get from being overweight is in addition to all the other rubbish?

Ill just make two poinys for you:

1. Yes its perfectly possible to lose weight if you learn to do it properly and put that into practice. Theres no reason that cnat be you and as long as you commit, then you can lose it all. Start by reading this guide and you will find heres plenty of help available on these forums.

http://community.myfitnesspal.com/en/discussion/1080242/a-guide-to-get-you-started-on-your-path-to-sexypants/p1

2.This success came to mind as being a superb example of someone dealing with a tough situation and how she lost the weight for herself. What impressed me most was the way she changed for the better as a person and grew massively from a very difficult experience. Weight isnt really the issue in your situation, but as long as you do it for yourself rather than to please others, then thats your choice.

http://community.myfitnesspal.com/en/discussion/971636/my-story-of-sweet-revenge-pics/p1

Good luck anyway. keep it under review and I hope the others make an effort to sort it out as well or you will need to make different choices as to whats best for you.

No man ever left or cheated because his wife did nto look hot enough.

Ofc not aggelikik, never happens.................

Thank you very much for understanding my situation, for the most part! We have talked a lot though and made a lot of things clear to eachother. I would describe him as emotionally lazy... I know that sounds bad, and I guess it is, but what was going on was he felt like he was being suffocated, his family is so reactive, they take advice as criticism and get upset and defensive very quickly. Even just asking his dad what his prospects are, gets him all huffy and upset, like you are attacking him for not having a job yet, they are all like that... So my husband can't say anything to them without it being a confrontation, and on my side he keeps getting pressured to "confront" them, so he was feeling resentment towards me because I wasn't really doing my part to be a loving wife, I was angry all the time and always complaining, where his parents are happy dandy because they are getting a free ride. I can see where it felt like to him that picking his parents over his unpleasant wife might have looked like a good idea, but at the same time, I know that it was incredibly unfair to me and I explained that to him and he entirely agrees, we are in a good place and I am trying to just get through the other parts with a better attitude. Buuuuttttt like I have mentioned, the weight part is a huge contributer to my unhappiness, and as long as I stay unhappy I run the risk of forgetting to try and be positive.

LKArgh · June 2015

OP I have unfortunately a very long experience in personal life and with relatives lives about what happens when you live in severely dysfunctional families. The outcome is rarely pretty, especially when it comes to kids. You sound depressed, and you are focusing on the wrong things. I know you do not like what I am saying, but please, at the very least google support groups for women in your area or helplines for mental disorders. You can keep your anonymity on helplines, and describe the situation. They can give you and the family the help that you need.

999tigger · June 2015

Keep communicating with him and sorting it out together. Keep him aware its a two way street and you have needs as well as him. You will be in trouble if you stop talking. I can see how the weight is relevant, but its also separate, you can control your weight loss and its 100% in your hands. Do read those links.

As you cna see lots of others have come up with good ideas. It sounds like a difficult situation, jusy be smart and honest to yourself about it, know what you can fix, be reasonable and stand up for yourself if things arent working. Good luck.

aewaters10 · June 2015

jenilla1 wrote: »

aewaters10 wrote: »

...My husband is a very laid back person, he hates to ruffle feathers or make waves, he feels obligated to take his family in...they usually have pretty strong values about taking care of family no matter how many times they have wronged you)...Its just such a delicate situation, and his whole family are very touchy people who take everything super personally.

My husband came from an emotionally abusive family of addicts and manipulators. I feel for you because I can't imagine living like you are for the rest of my life. I wouldn't put up with it and I wouldn't expose my child to it. No relationship is worth that. Thankfully, my husband chose to build a life that prioritized his own wife and family over the demands of his parents. He never really felt close with them, just guilt-tripped and obligated. He's a happier, more relaxed person now that he's moved on from those toxic relationships.

I know you think this is just a temporary problem, but I suspect this is just par for the course with his family. You can probably look forward to much more drama in the future. It really bothers me that he's plotting to dump you. If what you say is true, he's lucky to have you. A lot of women wouldn't put up with deadbeats and addicts invading their homes.

The idea that you have to put up with abuse from family just because it's "tradition" is very dysfunctional and unhealthy. Shared DNA doesn't make a family. Honest, supportive and loving relationships do. (And being supportive doesn't mean letting yourself be taken advantage of.) I wish the best for you, OP. You might want to consider some counseling to figure out both his and your priorities, and to sort out your feelings and what you want for your future.

I am happy for you, I believe my husband will not allow this to happen again either. He hates drama, but that is part of why we are in this situation, he didn't want to get in an argument about him saying no, and now he doesn't want to offend them by asking them to work harder on leaving, like I said, they're all so touchy, you cant say anything to them without them taking it as a personal attack... I guess it is relevant, I have known these people for over 8 years, I know them well, and I have known them in good and bad times, which i suppose might explain why I even let them stay here. They don't see what they are doing, they are very self centered aND thoughtless people...

aewaters10 · June 2015

NoIdea101NoIdea wrote: »

I would be unhappy in your situation.

It's nowhere near on the same scale, but i used to live with a partner who just point blank refused to get a job whilst i worked three jobs to pay all the bills and rent and general living costs because he didn't have any money (but always found the money to buy a ton of drugs on a weekly basis funnily enough). I was so unhappy, it utterly broke me.

Did you agree to let them move in? Did you set an agreed date as to how long it would be?

You say you have a 1 year old; that does not, in anyway, sound like the sort of environment you want a child growing up in (trust me on this one).

Do you have anyone you could go and stay with say once or twice a week, with your child? Just to give yourself a break, your family, a friend or something? How do you think your husband would react if you told him you wanted to take your kid and just stay somewhere else a couple of nights a week? If you phrased it in a way that made it sound like it would be beneficial for everyone, especially if he is 'tired' of your 'negativity'?

Every bit of me is aching to tell you to take your son, move out and tell your husband that you won't return until they have gone, but i'm not going to suggest that as there is far more going on here than i could even begin to imagine how to deal with, but i hope you find your answers.

That is what I told my husband when he said he resents me for being unhappy, "anyone would be unhappy in this situation! "
I did agree, but I was not aware his father was moving in as well... We gave them 6 months, and I am holding to it.
We keep things civil, I mean it isn't a bad environment, but the stress and tension is obvious. But no, I do not want her growing up with me being so unhappy. I want a functional household. I came from a dysfunctional unstable family, I was placed in my grandmothers custody at 7, she wasn't a great parent either butnshe provided stability. I know what can happen in these types of families, I was through it personally. But no, I have no relatives in this state. I have nowhere to go. But after our talk, I am feeling hurt, but mostly, I feel better. I know what my husband wants and feels and he knows the same for me, I just want to be happier, friendlier and more optimistic! I feel like I can not stress over small things, and really get motivated to make myself happier.

aewaters10 · June 2015

aggelikik wrote: »

OP I have unfortunately a very long experience in personal life and with relatives lives about what happens when you live in severely dysfunctional families. The outcome is rarely pretty, especially when it comes to kids. You sound depressed, and you are focusing on the wrong things. I know you do not like what I am saying, but please, at the very least google support groups for women in your area or helplines for mental disorders. You can keep your anonymity on helplines, and describe the situation. They can give you and the family the help that you need.

I was born into a dysfunctional family, I have worked hard to be as stable as possible. My husband and I are actually quite functional, we been together over 8 years, lived together for over 5, and we have done well on our own, rarely do we fight even. I have always known his family was like this. My family was terrible too, but I have long since cut ties with them. It's not that I don't like what you are saying, I just don't agree, because you just don't know what your talking about, that's not trying to be mean, or say you don't understand, but the situation isn't what you seem to think it is.

jennifer_417 · June 2015

OP, I'm going to be very straight with you, and it's going to hurt your feelings. Do you realize how classicly co-dependant your answers are on this thread? It's pretty common to paint the picture for people, then jump to defense when they try to make realize how bad it really is. You don't seem to grasp the levity of the situation you are in, and the situation your child is in.
Really, listen to what you are being told here. You know it's bad, but you need to understand the long-term consequences of your situation.
You may want to lose weight, and that may give you a sense of euphoria that will help you feel better in your situation, but, seriously, you've got bigger fish to fry.
Do you really think that, just because your addict relatives aren't actively abusing your child, that it won't cause any long-term damage to her?

I'm not trying to be mean, but you really need to be aware of the seriousness of the situation that you are in.

zoeysasha37 · June 2015

Wow that sounds very stressful. Besides all their issues, i couldn't imagine that many people living in a 2bedroom place. It would be stressful for anyone in that situation. A few things jumped out at me besides the obvious (addiction issues,not working) , if you lived in nj right now, the cps wouldn't even allow a 1yr old and 8yr old kids to live in that situation,there's actually a rule here about children and parents having personal space .they dont want several adults sharing bedrooms with kids. I know this ffor a fact because my sister is a supervisor for our division of youth and family services. They believe having that many people packed into a home is unhealthy. So since every state is different, im sure the rules are different where you are but she needs to talk to her case worker about seeking housing assistance. With housing assistance, they can get a low income apt and move out of your home. But theres a catch, theyll likely need to go to drug treatment, work programs to teach them how to find jobs and counseling to help work through the issues that caused them to become homeless in the first place. So it will require work. But there are programs out there so they need to go down to the local welfare office and apply for assistance.that way they can be working towards getting out of your home. If she already has cps involved, she should've asked for help before. Here in nj, that living situation wouldn't be considered healthy by cps. Theres just too many people packed in there . It boggles my mind why if she already has cps involved that the caseworkers havent offered any assistance programs or at least spoke up about how unhealthy this living situation is.
Your husband is basically supporting 5adults and 2kids and that cant be fun .but since your husband doesn't want to speak up and stand up to them , is there a chance he really wants them there? If no, then both of you really need to sit down and have a long talk with them to let them know that they need to work so they can earn enough money to leave. Sadly it sounds like they are comfortable in that situation so probably need to be told that its not okay to stay much longer.without him speaking up and standing up to them, they'll probably never leave.
I feel for you because this all sounds absolutely miserable. I wouldn't be able to handle it. I would go insane with all those people living in my home. Your home has been taken over by sloths so you definitely need a plan b . I cant see them just leaving. And again, here in nj after thirty days they are considered tenants even though they dont pay rent and you would have to file a eviction notice with the courts in order to get them out. So id check what the laws are in your area so you'll know what your next move will be.

Alluminati · June 2015

It sounds like trying to lose a few pounds is the least of your worries. The fact that your husband wants to leave you and your one year old over a situation that HE put you in is beyond the beyond. You cut ties with your own family because you didn't want to deal with that drama, correct? He can't seem to do the same. Oh yeah, and his brother. Why isn't the brother helping out in this situation?

casi_ann · June 2015

I didn't look at most of the posts responding to you. I just wanted to tell you my heart goes out to you. You are way to young to be taking care of your in-laws. The two of you just started out. And, as for the suggestion you let your mil take care of the baby so you can get a job. Only you know if you can trust her or if you want to get a outside job and give her the wonderful job of being with your beautiful son. You should not have to go out and work to support your in-laws and you are working by raising a one year old and taking care of your house. The only mistake you made was having such a big heart and wanting to do the right thing and allowing them to move in. I'm 55 and wouldn't know what to do if i got into your situation. But, I wish you all the luck in the world.

ohmscheeks · June 2015

Erm, wow. You painted a rather ugly picture in your original post. And the later attempts to make it a prettier picture just made it look worse.

Here are my pseudo-family-counselor ideas...

You are married. Remind yourself that is it not "his family" it is "our family". The positivism you seek may flow more naturally with that in mind. Still, helping and loving your family does not mean allowing them to do whatever they please; especially at your expense.

Sit down with your husband and decide on (1) a move-out date, and (2) a list of rules/conditions of family staying in your home.

(1) This living arrangement should not go on forever. The two of you need to come to a consensus on a move-out date. The date should not be "when they get on their feet" or "soon". The date should be on the calendar; a month, 6 months, year, etc. This should be discussed/debated between the two of you until you are on the same page. Then, as a cohesive unit, meet with the family. Clearly state that they must leave after this move-out date.

(2) The list of rules/conditions should contain hard rules (non-negotiable) and soft rules (negotiable). As a cohesive unit, meet with the family. Explain which rules are "hard" and which rules are "soft". Kindly refuse to bend the hard rules. Be open to their ideas on soft rules. Allow them to speak without interruption Then, continue where you left off. Expect some "finger pointing"; to which you should listen without interrupting. However, do not follow them down that path. Instead, state that this meeting is about the rules they need to follow and other issues can be discussed at a different time. Clearly state that they must leave after X number of rule violations.

In later posts, you described your husband as a nice guy that needs help standing up to his family, and you described the family as overly-sensitive people who need a helping hand. If these descriptions are true, the tasks above are quite reasonable.

On a side note, you mentioned that his brother has a house? Is it more cramped than your two-bedroom apartment? If not, it is interesting that he hasn't taken a couple of them in.

Mezzie1024 · June 2015

I'm going to go against the grain here and say that focusing on weight loss for yourself is an excellent idea. You're stressed out, crowded in, and upset -- it'll be good to have a healthy distraction, and it will be good to have something positive to share with your husband (instead of, "Your dad ate all the chips again!" it'll be, "I made X exercise improvemet" or "I lost a pound this week."). Exercise improves mood for a lot of people; it could be just what you need.

Depending on the exercise you choose (maybe taking your young child for walks in the park could be one?), you can get some needed distance from your in-laws on a daily basis. Your child is likely to do something adorable while you're out together -- there's another positive thing to share with your husband.

I'm going to guess that with so many people being supported by one income, money is tight, so maybe dates with your husband are hard to arrange, but a picnic costs nothing more than it costs to eat at home, and community events are often free. Maybe making time to have a date (with or without your child in tow) with your husband and holding yourself to a strict no-in-law-complaint rule while there could help ease your stress and give you a chance to spend time with your husband whom you clearly love.

Find someone else to complain to if you must (anonymous people on the internet work just fine); just remember that complaining does little good, and, in your case, has done some harm, so save your complaints to your husband for things that are absolutely unacceptable or dangerous rather than simply annoying.

I don't think it's unreasonable for your husband to be tired of constant complaints. Chances are he's also stressed, and that just adds to it. You need each other right now; you both need to be supportive. Besides, curbing your complaints some can actually make you feel better. I know when I've been complaining a lot about work things beyond my control, everything annoys me even more. To stop the downward spiral, I think of someone at work I appreciate and write a thank-you note. The feeling of genuine gratitude erases my desire to complain. Perhaps you can find a similar coping strategy.

Finally, I am a firm believer that just about anything is bearable when there's an end in sight. You've said they can only stay six months and your husband agrees. Perfect. Every day is a step closer to peace.

Good luck.

socksoffortitude · June 2015

jennifer_417 wrote: »

OP, I'm going to be very straight with you, and it's going to hurt your feelings. Do you realize how classicly co-dependant your answers are on this thread? It's pretty common to paint the picture for people, then jump to defense when they try to make realize how bad it really is. You don't seem to grasp the levity of the situation you are in, and the situation your child is in.
Really, listen to what you are being told here. You know it's bad, but you need to understand the long-term consequences of your situation.
You may want to lose weight, and that may give you a sense of euphoria that will help you feel better in your situation, but, seriously, you've got bigger fish to fry.
Do you really think that, just because your addict relatives aren't actively abusing your child, that it won't cause any long-term damage to her?

I'm not trying to be mean, but you really need to be aware of the seriousness of the situation that you are in.

This.

Annr · June 2015

I have some phrases that have helped me, during my journeys.
-IF ITS IMPORTANT TO YOU, YOU'LL FIND A WAY. IF ITS NOT, YOU'LL FIND AN EXCUSE.

To me this means important stuff have a way of rising to the surface. You family is mentally abusing you, by making their problems your problems. You stand in front of them and state plainly, "YOU HAVE ONE WEEK TO REMOVE YOURSELVES FROM MY HOME. No excuses. If they don't, call the police, and have them removed. Don't think about all the (this is not how you treat family excuses), or the (my husband should be doing this). Your home, you have a RIGHT to dictate the conditions on your childs surroundings. No meth, no alcohol, PERIOD.

This is a phrase that helps me find my path, on days when Im feeling blue.

- MAYBE THE JOURNEY ISN'T SO MUCH ABOUT BECOMING ANYTHING. MAYBE ITS UN-BECOMING EVERYTHING THAT ISN'T YOU, SO YOU CAN BE WHO YOU WERE MEANT TO BE IN THE FIRST PLACE.

Powerful words, but your invironment is so important, especially when you are cultivating a family, loving your husband, and child. Toxic invironments breed hatred, and your husband feels caught in the middle. So you say, I know they are your family, but I will stand up for you. If I were in your shoes, I would spin it with a "I love you so I am letting you make your own problems".

UNIVERSAL LAWS DICTATE WHEN YOU GIVE NOTHING YOU GET NOTHING.

your in-laws have chosen to get nothing, and have chosen to give you the burden of that. Sad realities, but you can be in the drivers seat of your familes life.

460mustang · June 2015

I have an idea, get rid of the chips and junk food. Restock your home with raw veggies and tofu, they will leave voluntarily and you'll lose weight. Win, Win

peachyfuzzle · June 2015

Two words: adverse possession, i.e. squatter's rights. Make sure they don't meet the requirement for this as defined by your specific state, or else you might not be able to get them out at all.

bronkeekong · June 2015

You are getting wrapped up in other people's drama.

To be happy now, you have to get independent, imho. Get out of that situation. There are resources if you seek them out.

Get a job. Get some money, move to a new place a new town, make a fresh start. If you do try to work it out with your husband, set VERY CLEAR boundaries. Good luck. I wish you the best. Hang in there.

Broken-hearted but motivated

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