How hard can this be?

Ahem...no answers, please. That's a rhetorical question that we ALL know the answer to.

I've been around this mountain quite a few times. I lost 60 pounds, primarily through exercise, twelve years ago. I had not reached my goal when I got pregnant with my son and over the course of five years I gained those pounds back plus about 20 more. I then started a very strict dietary regimen and lost 85 pounds. I felt great, I looked great...and felt completely entitled to, as a "skinny chick," indulge in treats that I'd shunned for the year during which I had dieted intensely. Treats became habits and, now, three years later, I've gained back almost 80 pounds.

I'm tired, I'm depressed, I'm ashamed, and I can't keep up with my son like I could when I was smaller. As I approach my 40th birthday, I feel guilt because I'm gambling with my future by carrying around all of these extra pounds. My knees are going to pay, my heart is going to pay, my social life is already paying, and my SON is going to pay...IF I don't make a U-turn and get back to a healthier weight. I'm convinced that neither of the extreme regimens from my past will do the trick for me to fully and PERMANENTLY achieve a healthy weight and life style. I know I need to exercise but I don't have the time (or desire) to spend 2-3 hours in the gym 6 days a week the way I did before my son came along. I also don't think that complete deprivation and extreme consumption regulations are going to be a viable way for me to achieve my goals. I just want balance and moderation.

I started using myfitnesspal.com about 5 days ago. It started with downloading the app on my phone and just thinking about my choices. When I started entering what I was taking in, I felt more motivated to consume smaller portions. I'm struggling a lot with wanting to rebel and indulge but I'm working hard to talk myself out of that rebellion from the extreme diet I went on the last time I lost weight. I'm still struggling with my habit of indulging in the post-bedtime binge but last night I managed to stay out of the kitchen after my son was tucked in for the night. It sounds trivial, but that was a victory! If I can turn that small victory into string of them, I know I can reinstate that good, healthy habit. Just that one habit could result in a radically positive outcome. If I add a few others (like smaller portions, less on-the-go meals, and simple activities like walks and bike rides), I know I can reach my goals and maintain them. Small sacrifices and small indulgences...that's gonna be my mantra for awhile!