Unsupportive friend

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AmandaBio
AmandaBio Posts: 11 Member
in Motivation and Support
So I have a friend who is not very supportive of my healthy lifestyle choices. She will always try to guilt me if I am busy with trying to stay fit or eat healthy. She wants to out, or have a "girls night". I always felt like I was the bad friend before for saying I had to work out. So I stopped being as healthy just to hang out. But it's all unhealthy and I'm sick of it. I've tried to get her to come to the gym with me. But she always has an excuse. So I have been distant and back at working on ME full time. It makes me feel like a bad friend still. I'm very tired of the guilt trips and the I really need girl time.
This is kind of a rant, but im very frustrated.
What would you do in this situation?

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  • Thorbjornn
    Thorbjornn Posts: 329 Member
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    To use an old cliché, "with friends like her, who needs enemies?" You're not the bad friend, she is. You're right to distance yourself and work on you.
  • randomtai
    randomtai Posts: 9,003 Member
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    AmandaBio wrote: »
    So I have a friend who is not very supportive of my healthy lifestyle choices. She will always try to guilt me if I am busy with trying to stay fit or eat healthy. She wants to out, or have a "girls night". I always felt like I was the bad friend before for saying I had to work out. So I stopped being as healthy just to hang out. But it's all unhealthy and I'm sick of it. I've tried to get her to come to the gym with me. But she always has an excuse. So I have been distant and back at working on ME full time. It makes me feel like a bad friend still. I'm very tired of the guilt trips and the I really need girl time.
    This is kind of a rant, but im very frustrated.
    What would you do in this situation?

    You two have grown apart into different interests. It happens. Move on.
  • katillac625
    katillac625 Posts: 19 Member
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    You are doing the right thing!! Setting boundaries is VERY healthy - NOT selfish!!! I'm learning a lot about healthy boundaries with my friends and if they can't respect them - I don't need them in my life. I bet YOU respect others, just a guess. We usually get frustrated when others don't treat us the way we would treat them. I have to remember that no one else is on my journey but me. I have 2 friends "in real life" that get it...one just lost 50 lbs and is maintaining it and the other is in AA so the journey is surprisingly similar. That guilt is often part of what gets us in trouble. It can be a form of codependency. When I realized that MY happiness depends on no one else but me, it's easier to realize that others happiness depends on them...not me. :wink:
  • VanillaGorilla808
    VanillaGorilla808 Posts: 51 Member
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    Boundaries is a good thing, your friend needs to understand that your health and fitness is apart of your life and if she is a good friend she will support you and you two can find other ways to spend time together that doesnt involve food. Stand up for yourself!!
  • whirlygig60
    whirlygig60 Posts: 37 Member
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    You didn't specifically say, but does "Girl's Night" involve large amounts of food and alcohol? Can you just go out and have reasonable portion sizes of both?
  • megantischner
    megantischner Posts: 85 Member
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    You can still hang out occasionally -- just plan it out ahead of time, so you'll be able to work out a little extra for a few days to make up for the one day you won't be going to the gym.
  • AmandaBio
    AmandaBio Posts: 11 Member
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    Thank you for all the responses! And girls night is usually her wanting to go out for food and then drink and go out. I'm not a big fan of bars in the first place and it's very hard to be sober there. And usually when she wants to hang out its for a dinner date. I've distanced myself a lot. I've found it has helped a lot. And I feel more positive now as well. If she wants to go out I now usually say I'm busy or I can't because I'm eating healthy now.

    I'm very tired of putting her first all the time and getting nothing but guilt trips and negativity in return.
  • DanniB423
    DanniB423 Posts: 777 Member
    edited June 2015
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    Ending it sounds like a good plan. She doesn't care enough about you to be supportive. You don't care about her enough not to hide from her and go to dinner occasionally and make it fit in your calorie goals.

  • alfiedn
    alfiedn Posts: 425 Member
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    Sounds like you have a plan. If she wants to do dinner again sometime, could you invite her over and cook for her or do a potluck sort of thing? That way you know you'd have a dish or two that you love and will eat and she will feel comfortable as well.

    I do think that guilt trips are not worth it!
  • jnoegrah
    jnoegrah Posts: 119 Member
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    Sounds like she's a hater.
  • AmandaBio
    AmandaBio Posts: 11 Member
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    I do care. I've always been there for her and very supportive of everything she does. And the odd dinner is ok I know.
  • pdank311
    pdank311 Posts: 137 Member
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    Just do you. I wish I started stripping out the people I had nothing in common with besides drinking at that age.

    Or if the relationship is important to you and there is some sort of value there... Make an exception like once every two weeks or so. One day a week or two will not unravel hard work. But set boundaries, explain why. If said person can't accept that, well you know what to do. No one is going to look out for your best interests besides yourself.
  • palmettoadventurer
    palmettoadventurer Posts: 51 Member
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    My best friend is the same way. I know it's because she feels insecure about her own weight, but it's aggravating. We live in different states, though, so it's not a huge impact on me.

    If you haven't outright told her that your fitness is important to you, and you wish she'd be supportive, then try spelling it out. If she keeps on, then you might want to re-evaluate where you want her in your life. Sometimes friends grow apart, and it's also okay to cut ties with toxic people. You're the only one who can make that judgement call.
  • GibsonSG_67
    GibsonSG_67 Posts: 1,406 Member
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    I agree with the above post, If you have talked to her about how you feel and she's not sympathetic or understanding, it may be time to move on
  • Kathy379
    Kathy379 Posts: 49 Member
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    Maybe try to reiterate to her that you're really trying hard to stay on track and while you'd like to occasionally join her in girls night out, maybe you can pick the restaurant to try to keep it healthy, and as far as the drinking is concerned, I'm not sure what to suggest for that. When I stopped drinking for a year (for dieting purposes) it was very hard to go out. Order a water
  • smotheredincheese
    smotheredincheese Posts: 559 Member
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    I think you need to try and find a compromise and suggest some activities you could do together that are a bit healthier. Maybe go for lunch somewhere healthy or see a movie, or just hand out at home. If she still won't be supportive then you know it's time to move on, and at least you'll have tried.
  • danika2point0
    danika2point0 Posts: 197 Member
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    I agree with the previous poster @smotheredincheese. Try and suggest a booze-free or relatively healthy activity to do together and see if she can compromise and do that. Get a tea. Go shopping. Go to a park. Go to the cinema. Check out a museum. Have a picnic. Find a healthier restaurant to go to. Do dinner at one of your homes. I don't think it's fair or reasonable really of either of you for it to be all or nothing, e.g restaurant/boozing OR the gym. Why don't you both try and see if there are activities you can do together that meet somewhere in between? If she has no interest in doing that, then you've got to wonder if she is really a friend or just someone you go out with for fun...If she is just someone you go out with for fun, that is okay, you can then decide to keep her as that type of friend or let her go but at least you might gain some clarity. You've said she has been a good friend to you in the past so I think you owe it to her and yourself to try and see how your friendship might evolve in this next phase of your life. You sometimes find that some friends just don't mesh as you grow older, while others can surprise you! Best of luck x
  • serra2009
    serra2009 Posts: 55 Member
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    I'm sure we have that one friend that thinks "you have six days to torture our bodies its not like one date is gonna hurt" realty check yes it does we guilt our selves by just know we're out of control hahahah just saying.

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