I just don't want to die.

Hello, I'm Jacqueline and I call myself a whale because I weigh more than a baby Orca. I'm not certain how much I weigh right now because my digital scale currently flashes 'ERR' at me because I'm heavier than the 450 lb weight maximum. It's amazing thinking I'm over 100 times heavier than I was at birth when I should be only about 31 times as heavy. It's an odd way of viewing it really, but the truth is still there that I'm a little more than 3 times heavier than I should be.

I know how I got here and why I gave up on myself. My reasoning made sense to me before but now that I am so fat that I could actually just die at any moment my reasoning no longer makes sense. As I gained weight I saw my fat as my protection. It's my shield of armour protecting me from going through something horrifying again. I made myself almost impossible to abduct or drag into some alley. My goal was to protect my life and now I'm risking my life every minute I remain whale-sized, and I just don't want to die.

So here I am joining what appears to be the biggest community on the internet containing people similar to me, and I hope that virtually being around others like me will help me reach my goal. I would love to make some e-friends here, hopefully some with a similar weight to my own, some who have already been successful or reached their goals, and really just anyone willing to maybe help save a life.

Replies

PixelPuff

You've joined the right community! Have you checked your TDEE, or figured out what calorie limit you will be doing?

Trust me, you can DO this! It's not even all in the willpower, 'cause there are some yummy 'cheats' for treats.

lisamacheca

PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE change your ID. I am sure you are a beautiful woman, regardless of your size. Pick a new name that shows strength because it took a LOT of strength to write your post and reach out for help. This is a great place to begin and although I have lost most of my weight, I keep track every day to remind myself of my struggles and journey to get where I am. I would be happy to be your friend on this site. I can offer up some ideas to you and just listen if you prefer. This is a journey that is not easy but by NO MEANS impossible. I am living proof. There is lots of encouragement here and I am happy to help.

seeingthelight

Welcome to MFP. I'm a 60some year old mom and grandma. Feel free send me a message or friend request. Sounds like you have a serious problem. You've come to a good place but you are also going to need the help of a physician and maybe a nutritionist. Have you been to your doctor? I really want to see you succeed and I know you can do it. Good luck!

whaleofafemale

PixelPuff wrote: »

You've joined the right community! Have you checked your TDEE, or figured out what calorie limit you will be doing?

Trust me, you can DO this! It's not even all in the willpower, 'cause there are some yummy 'cheats' for treats.

My TDEE is approximately 3200 kcal. From 29 June to 27 September I'm supposed to have a target of 800 kcal/day using a formula for meal replacements and then transition to 1700 kcal/day from 28 September until my gp tells me to increase again.

I'd very much like to know these yummy 'cheats'.

Nursie863

Just posting on here shows that you have made the decision to do something about your weight. I am also the heaviest I have ever been in my life and recently had a wake up call that made me realize I have to do something, now, or I too will die much sooner than I should. I would be happy to be your mfp friend and offer what encouragement I can. I agree with the other posters, I would immediately get your doctor on board with your weight loss plan, as he or she can offer a lot of advice on keeping yourself healthy as you start out and throughout your journey. You can do this! And so can I.

whaleofafemale

seeingthelight wrote: »

Welcome to MFP. I'm a 60some year old mom and grandma. Feel free send me a message or friend request. Sounds like you have a serious problem. You've come to a good place but you are also going to need the help of a physician and maybe a nutritionist. Have you been to your doctor? I really want to see you succeed and I know you can do it. Good luck!

I have been to my doctor multiple times over this and though I'm scared of what she's having me do I hope I can do it successfully anyway because if I do then by end of September not only will my scale not be flashing 'ERR' at me but I might actually be into the 300s at like 390 lb or something. That would be amazing to me. Right now the goal is to have me at 395 lb by end of September if the vlcd goes as planned.

whaleofafemale

Nursie863 wrote: »

Just posting on here shows that you have made the decision to do something about your weight. I am also the heaviest I have ever been in my life and recently had a wake up call that made me realize I have to do something, now, or I too will die much sooner than I should. I would be happy to be your mfp friend and offer what encouragement I can. I agree with the other posters, I would immediately get your doctor on board with your weight loss plan, as he or she can offer a lot of advice on keeping yourself healthy as you start out and throughout your journey. You can do this! And so can I.

Thank you. I'm the biggest I've ever been too. I've never had the 'ERR' experience before. Just a few weeks ago my scale showed I was 443 lb. For the last week and a half it's been 'ERR' and I've been trying to lose weight since seeing the 443 so it was really depressing. But hopefully it will change now, for both of us.

PixelPuff

A small serving of 'skinny pop' is good [it's a popcorn brand that is sold pre-popped and ready to be sold]. A cup of the regular one is 39 calories, while white cheddar is 43 calories per cup. If you have any good 0-cal sodas, you can always make a soda Popsicle, too! I mostly drink water, but I'll have a 0-cal soda occasionally. Diet Hansens is FABULOUS. Not all the flavors are good, but some are just GLORIOUS [lime tangerine, for example].

whaleofafemale

PixelPuff wrote: »

A small serving of 'skinny pop' is good [it's a popcorn brand that is sold pre-popped and ready to be sold]. A cup of the regular one is 39 calories, while white cheddar is 43 calories per cup. If you have any good 0-cal sodas, you can always make a soda Popsicle, too! I mostly drink water, but I'll have a 0-cal soda occasionally. Diet Hansens is FABULOUS. Not all the flavors are good, but some are just GLORIOUS [lime tangerine, for example].

Ooooh, I love white cheddar popcorn! I should invest in an air popper thing. Like you I also drink mostly water, but I do love Coke Zero and it would make a nice ice lolly I think.

tiptoethruthetulips

lisamacheca wrote: »

PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE change your ID. I am sure you are a beautiful woman, regardless of your size. Pick a new name that shows strength because it took a LOT of strength to write your post and reach out for help.

This^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

PixelPuff

whaleofafemale wrote: »

PixelPuff wrote: »

A small serving of 'skinny pop' is good [it's a popcorn brand that is sold pre-popped and ready to be sold]. A cup of the regular one is 39 calories, while white cheddar is 43 calories per cup. If you have any good 0-cal sodas, you can always make a soda Popsicle, too! I mostly drink water, but I'll have a 0-cal soda occasionally. Diet Hansens is FABULOUS. Not all the flavors are good, but some are just GLORIOUS [lime tangerine, for example].

Ooooh, I love white cheddar popcorn! I should invest in an air popper thing. Like you I also drink mostly water, but I do love Coke Zero and it would make a nice ice lolly I think.

Just remember to measure ahead of time. In fact, don't go by 'cup'... Try to get a digital scale and weight anything/everything you cook & eat. Makes for MUCH more accurate logging.

Another thing I like is actually one of those lil delivery boxes... Graze Box. I'm not signed up anymore, as Mom kept throwing me the ones she didn't like, but I'll be signing back up again soon. HEALTHY snacks! They even have a box specifically for sending you random lower-than-100-calorie snacks... "My Thai" is my favorite; rice crackers/senbei in a thai dipping sauce of spicy deliciousness.

daydreams_of_pretty

You can do it! Also, totes change your name because you're better than that. Technically orcas are pretty cute, though. Just a thought.

itmeansflower

lisamacheca wrote: »

PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE change your ID. I am sure you are a beautiful woman, regardless of your size. Pick a new name that shows strength because it took a LOT of strength to write your post and reach out for help. This is a great place to begin and although I have lost most of my weight, I keep track every day to remind myself of my struggles and journey to get where I am. I would be happy to be your friend on this site. I can offer up some ideas to you and just listen if you prefer. This is a journey that is not easy but by NO MEANS impossible. I am living proof. There is lots of encouragement here and I am happy to help.

I heartily agree. Change your ID, and please, stop calling yourself names! I am a firm believer that our "self-talk" has an effect on our self-esteem. Be kind to yourself, you deserve it.

Please feel free to add me as a friend. I have a long journey ahead too.
May I advise not to get too attached to reaching certain weights by certain dates? That's done me in too many times. I do better just forging ahead, knowing that even if it takes longer, I will get there. Every day is an improvement, every day is a day closer to being a healthier person.

You are so brave to share your story. I hope you are also seeing a therapist. The last thing you want is to shed the weight and then have it come back, and I think you need a therapist's help to make sure that does not happen.

Wishing you all the best with your journey! Welcome to MFP - the people on here are great!
You are NOT alone.

DoneWorking

PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE change your ID. I am sure you are a beautiful woman, regardless of your size. Pick a new name that shows strength because it took a LOT of strength to write your post and reach out for help.

This^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

Yep.

whaleofafemale

tiptoethruthetulips wrote: »

lisamacheca wrote: »

PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE change your ID. I am sure you are a beautiful woman, regardless of your size. Pick a new name that shows strength because it took a LOT of strength to write your post and reach out for help.

This^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

I will change my user name when I no longer feel the way I do about my body. To me, calling myself a whale and recognising that I'm heavier than a baby Orca, is a way to keep myself focused on no longer being a whale. And I don't feel beautiful. Not at all. I avoid pictures and mirrors like they'll kill everyone I love. When I do happen to see myself I don't see beauty. I see an ugly reminder of what I've put myself through in order to feel safer. The body I see when I happen to see myself doesn't even really register as being 'my body' but more as this giant thing that I'm currently trapped inside and desperately want to escape. I have a beautiful mind and spirit, but my body is far from it. This is how I feel. This is my truth. I understand that my feelings and my truth might not be what other people want to see, and I appreciate being called 'beautiful' despite me thinking it wrong. My username is an extension what I feel is my truth and I think it will help me.

Strawili

Hey Jacqueline! I was wondering if you'd like to be friends.

I currently weight 291 lbs and just started tracking my fitness today, so I'm definitely looking for more friends to help with the motivation department. I know all too well about the 'error' feeling, our scale only went up to 300 lbs and I weighed 311 lbs before I decided to take the plunge. I wish you the best of luck on your journey, I believe in you!

Caitoriri

Hey! I hope you stick around and continue to share your journey with us. You seem like a really lovely person, and I hope you find success!
It's great that you're seeing your doctor about it. Have you been to see any professionals about the emotional side of your over-eating too? Sometimes the problem is as much emotional as it is physical, so it can be really worthwhile to get some professional help in order to stop using food as a coping mechanism.

kellycasey5

I know that you are not supporting or endorsing it, but MFP frowns upon VLCD as a rule (not going to look for it and link it but I promise it is there). I do not support or endorse that either, so please don't flag my post

I wish you success on your weightloss and in finding people that support you. The following is spoken in a loving tone with aims of helping you along your way in as healthy a manner as possible:

I have a concern that you state you do not know your weight yet you are/will be undertaking an 800 calorie diet. If your doctor is doing this, they should be weighing you, checking ekgs, FREQUENT as in weekly at minimum monitoring of your electrolytes particularly your potassium. Can you get your weight from your doctor? Is your doctor doing these things? Are you participating in a program? Are there meetings and support groups? CLOSE MONITORING? DOES YOUR DOCTOR KNOW YOUR WEIGHT???? Yes, that was screaming. Well placed screaming. You should know your weight.

Hopefully they have weighed you. I would be very concerned if the doctor you see has no experience with the VLCD and has recommended one. If you are not 100% certain that they do, find out. If they do, and have many patients doing this, they should be able to get you a start weight. If they can't, I suggest finding a different doctor with the capability to monitor you appropriately during this time frame. Weight, body fat %, BMR should be bare minimum in addition to the labwork and ekg to prevent complications or detect early complications (again things like potassium, sodium, kidney and liver function as well as potential abnormal cardiac rhythms). As you should be aware, there are risks associated with VLCD. Ask your doctor if they have not discussed this with you.

Again, all spoken with love and support of you and your success losing weight and gaining health. VLCD does have a special place among the tools for weightloss for a select few, and can offer an alternative to surgery. Just please be careful and be certain your doctor is familiar!

Good luck and welcome!

unknown

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whaleofafemale

kellycasey5 wrote: »

I know that you are not supporting or endorsing it, but MFP frowns upon VLCD as a rule (not going to look for it and link it but I promise it is there). I do not support or endorse that either, so please don't flag my post

I wish you success on your weightloss and in finding people that support you. The following is spoken in a loving tone with aims of helping you along your way in as healthy a manner as possible:

I have a concern that you state you do not know your weight yet you are/will be undertaking an 800 calorie diet. If your doctor is doing this, they should be weighing you, checking ekgs, FREQUENT as in weekly at minimum monitoring of your electrolytes particularly your potassium. Can you get your weight from your doctor? Is your doctor doing these things? Are you participating in a program? Are there meetings and support groups? CLOSE MONITORING? DOES YOUR DOCTOR KNOW YOUR WEIGHT???? Yes, that was screaming. Well placed screaming. You should know your weight.

Hopefully they have weighed you. I would be very concerned if the doctor you see has no experience with the VLCD and has recommended one. If you are not 100% certain that they do, find out. If they do, and have many patients doing this, they should be able to get you a start weight. If they can't, I suggest finding a different doctor with the capability to monitor you appropriately during this time frame. Weight, body fat %, BMR should be bare minimum in addition to the labwork and ekg to prevent complications or detect early complications (again things like potassium, sodium, kidney and liver function as well as potential abnormal cardiac rhythms). As you should be aware, there are risks associated with VLCD. Ask your doctor if they have not discussed this with you.

Again, all spoken with love and support of you and your success losing weight and gaining health. VLCD does have a special place among the tools for weightloss for a select few, and can offer an alternative to surgery. Just please be careful and be certain your doctor is familiar!

Good luck and welcome!

My doctor knows my weight was 443 lb at the beginning of June and that I'm probably just a few lb over 450 right now. What she told me is that for people my size with similar medical history to my own she likes to rapidly shift a large amount of weight and then start a slower loss. I'm very aware of the risks and she's been good about telling me everything and I absolutely don't want any surgeries so this option was best for me. Without going into detail about my personal life or my medical history I'll just say that there's some urgency here in getting rid of a good chunk of this weight quickly and I've been scanned, stabbed, worn a Holter for three days, and she even made me see a therapist before she okayed it. Now all I have to do is actually do it and stick with it and maybe it will be just what I need to get on the right track.

unknown

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kellycasey5

I'm all for your success PROMISE! Just wanted to make sure you were being safe about! It shouldn't be too hard to stick to...most of the people say they stop being hungry and that after the first 4 days or so it is easy. I'm not sure, but they say it! They definitely are effective and I have seen more people swear by that than the various weight loss surgeries and I have seen lots of both! It is nice to know that something will work!