Anyone want a complaining buddy?

When you get to a certain point of constant hard work, loss and very little release, it catches up to you. I lost 170 in a year and now I'm at month 14 of my strict-*kitten* regime and I am at my wits end. I am a extra taught rubber band ready to snap. I don't wanna count calories to the T or feel guilty for going out or for missing one goddamn work out, but I do! My life revolves around guilt. Guilt about eating. Guild about exercise. Guilt about getting to where I was and looking at myself in the mirror every fuckinh day, dissatisfied because IN THEORY I am much smaller than I am but godfobid my hard work were to show because I'm a deflated balloon! And I was ready to have my surgeries in September(yippee a couple months away) but now I found a REALLY good surgeon who can't do the FIRST of 3 MJAOR surgeries till December and I want to lose 20 more lbs and at this point I'm just spilling my thoughts without sequence but this is why I need someone to tell me how they feel and how they deal and idk take the edge off.