Destructive Yoyoing Advice?

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savannahwoods3
savannahwoods3 Posts: 5 Member
in Health and Weight Loss
So here's what happened. Quick summary:

Exchange weight gain to India ( junior fall semester): 162lbs.

Joined track (junior spring semester). I lost 30 pounds to drop to 132lbs. Severely restricted to 1200 and ran, even though I hated running.

Volleyball senior year, I steadily started gaining weight. Muscle and fat, and I didn't like it but I let it slide. Too busy, ya know? I didn't jiggle in my legs, so I stopped counting cals.

But. . .after basketball season this year (senior year), I was sick and tired of all the weight I had gained.. . which was mainly a lot of muscle and a thin, about an inch, layer of fat. I am 5'10" and was (now am) 150.

So I made a plan to lose weight again, mainly in my thick, tree trunk legs. And I did. Sorta. No exercising, just one 1200 calorie meal in the morning. I dropped from 150 to 132 in 3 months. But my legs were still pretty big.

But then, graduation and just general emotions and stress and finals and being so SICK of restricting,I've started binging huge amounts of food and now I've gained it all back. It's been about a month, and I still can't get a hold on it. I cry about every other day, and I hate what I see in the mirror. I've tried to accept myself at 150, because that's just what my body seems to naturally gravitate too. But I can't stop obsessing and fixating and binging, because I tell myself that I didn't look much different at 130 than I do at 150.

And both times, it's been the same: Hate how I look so big (I look guys straight in the eye, and could possibly pick them up),beat myself up about it, hate myself, severely restrict, hate how tired and horrible and become SICK OF fixating and restricting and being hungry and not looking any different in my legs, then I binge and eat and eat because hey, if I'm going to be big anyway. . . And then gain weight. Look in the mirror. Hate myself. Repeat.

I am SICK and tired of yoyoing. Does anybody have any advice for me to jump back on, and STOP this cycle? I want to maintain 130, not hate getting there or staying there or leaving there.

Replies

  • Sued0nim
    Sued0nim Posts: 17,456 Member
    edited July 2015
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    Because you are at a BMI of 21.5 at your 150lbs and your target weight is right on the cusp of underweight I think this is more about unrealistic unneccessary ideals than health or fitness or beauty

    So maybe you should look at that ...why are you aspiring to be so very skinny?
  • Lounmoun
    Lounmoun Posts: 8,426 Member
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    savannahwoods3 wrote: »
    So here's what happened. Quick summary:

    Exchange weight gain to India ( junior fall semester): 162lbs.

    Joined track (junior spring semester). I lost 30 pounds to drop to 132lbs. Severely restricted to 1200 and ran, even though I hated running.

    Volleyball senior year, I steadily started gaining weight. Muscle and fat, and I didn't like it but I let it slide. Too busy, ya know? I didn't jiggle in my legs, so I stopped counting cals.

    But. . .after basketball season this year (senior year), I was sick and tired of all the weight I had gained.. . which was mainly a lot of muscle and a thin, about an inch, layer of fat. I am 5'10" and was (now am) 150.

    So I made a plan to lose weight again, mainly in my thick, tree trunk legs. And I did. Sorta. No exercising, just one 1200 calorie meal in the morning. I dropped from 150 to 132 in 3 months. But my legs were still pretty big.

    But then, graduation and just general emotions and stress and finals and being so SICK of restricting,I've started binging huge amounts of food and now I've gained it all back. It's been about a month, and I still can't get a hold on it. I cry about every other day, and I hate what I see in the mirror. I've tried to accept myself at 150, because that's just what my body seems to naturally gravitate too. But I can't stop obsessing and fixating and binging, because I tell myself that I didn't look much different at 130 than I do at 150.

    And both times, it's been the same: Hate how I look so big (I look guys straight in the eye, and could possibly pick them up),beat myself up about it, hate myself, severely restrict, hate how tired and horrible and become SICK OF fixating and restricting and being hungry and not looking any different in my legs, then I binge and eat and eat because hey, if I'm going to be big anyway. . . And then gain weight. Look in the mirror. Hate myself. Repeat.

    I am SICK and tired of yoyoing. Does anybody have any advice for me to jump back on, and STOP this cycle? I want to maintain 130, not hate getting there or staying there or leaving there.

    Focus on health and strength over appearance. 150 is a healthy weight for your height. 130 would be very low weight for your height. You are you no matter what you weigh. If your head is messed up it is hard to be happy at any weight.
    Your legs may never get much smaller because that is the way you are built. Be realistic. Take measurements rather than looking at the scale number or the mirror. You may not be able to see a difference of an inch in the mirror.
    Stop doing exteme things. Stop setting an extreme weight goal. Stop trying to lose weight fast- you should not be trying to lose more than 1/2 lb a week at your weight. I would suggest just maintaining 150 for a year though and work on getting your thinking to be healthy... maybe seek counseling. Make a list of at least 10 things you like about yourself as you are right now.
    Log what you are currently eating. Try to improve your nutrition without cutting calories. Exercise moderately because it is healthy, helps manage stress and makes you stronger. Do some activity you enjoy and eat enough calories to fuel yourself. Eat more than 1200 calories.
  • loulamb7
    loulamb7 Posts: 801 Member
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    STOP with the 1200 calorie diets and severe restrictions. This is a recipe for disaster. Pick realistic, healthy, maintainable goals. I would recommend a body recomposition, see http://community.myfitnesspal.com/en/discussion/10177803/recomposition-maintaining-weight-while-losing-fat/p1
  • IsaackGMOON
    IsaackGMOON Posts: 3,358 Member
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    loulamb7 wrote: »
    STOP with the 1200 calorie diets and severe restrictions. This is a recipe for disaster. Pick realistic, healthy, maintainable goals. I would recommend a body recomposition, see http://community.myfitnesspal.com/en/discussion/10177803/recomposition-maintaining-weight-while-losing-fat/p1

    THISSSSSSS

    I find that a lot of females just go with 1200 calorie diets and they usually say "I was so happier when I upped my calories".

    Get off of 1200 calories.
  • kshama2001
    kshama2001 Posts: 27,996 Member
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    OP - I think this is more of an issue for a therapist than a weight loss forum. You can also try yoga:

    How Yoga Can Help End Binge Eating

    One breath at a time, end the suffering of binge-eating

    ...According to Juliano, yoga gives people the skills to stay with what they are feeling, rather than turning to food to escape. People who are obese or suffering from eating disorders have a tendency to dissociate from their bodies -- to choose not to feel what they are feeling when they are angry, anxious, or sad. Often, they turn to food to numb themselves. "There's this sense that I have to feel better right now, " Juliano says. "There is a complete intolerance of what is happening right now." This need to escape unpleasant feelings triggers a binge.

    When you eat to escape what you are feeling, you lose touch with the experience of eating, as well. This is one reason binges can spiral out of control. "You have no understanding that you are full, way past full, into uncomfortable, because you're so out of it," Juliano explains. "You have no connection to what you're eating. You're eating a pint of ice cream and can't even taste it. Or you go to make yourself some toast and before you know it, half the loaf is gone."

    Mindful yoga directly challenges the habit of dissociating from your body and your present-moment experience. "The whole point of yoga is to stay connected to your body. You learn it through practice, through breathing, and through breathing through the sensations."

    Read more: https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-science-willpower/201007/how-yoga-can-help-end-binge-eating

    ps - I've had a thing for tall guys since I was an adolescent. My fiance is 6'6". When I was at a healthy weight for me, I dated someone just an inch or two taller than me and it just felt wrong. I chalked it up to my personal preferences, and not a deficiency in either of us.

    Best of luck to you.

    KK
  • Bshmerlie
    Bshmerlie Posts: 1,026 Member
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    Op I see most of this as self esteem issues or just plain self hate. At 5'10" and 150 pounds you are at a healthy weight. Maybe seek out a school counselor or therapist to help with some underlying issues. The words you are choosing to describe your image and your feelings about your own image are more than likely all mental.
  • savannahwoods3
    savannahwoods3 Posts: 5 Member
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    Lounmoun wrote: »
    [quote="savannahwoods3;10203208"

    Focus on health and strength over appearance. 150 is a healthy weight for your height. 130 would be very low weight for your height. You are you no matter what you weigh. If your head is messed up it is hard to be happy at any weight.
    Your legs may never get much smaller because that is the way you are built. Be realistic. Take measurements rather than looking at the scale number or the mirror. You may not be able to see a difference of an inch in the mirror.
    Stop doing exteme things. Stop setting an extreme weight goal. Stop trying to lose weight fast- you should not be trying to lose more than 1/2 lb a week at your weight. I would suggest just maintaining 150 for a year though and work on getting your thinking to be healthy... maybe seek counseling. Make a list of at least 10 things you like about yourself as you are right now.
    Log what you are currently eating. Try to improve your nutrition without cutting calories. Exercise moderately because it is healthy, helps manage stress and makes you stronger. Do some activity you enjoy and eat enough calories to fuel yourself. Eat more than 1200 calories.

    Hi. Thank you for the advice. I did what you said, about making a list about 10 things I like about myself right now. And I feel like it helped a little. But some of the things I put down (like I am powerful) I sometimes flip my opinion about. All my life, I've been the tall, big girl. And sometimes I revel in that, appreciating all that it's helped me accomplish (like state, whatnot) but sometimes I really dislike it.

    I really want to eat more than 1200 calories. I do. But everytime I don't eat 1200, I hate it. And then I binge anyway, and hate that even more. I can't seem to stop at 1200 now, even though I could a month ago. I dont know how to explain it, but it's how I've lost weight those two times, and even though I was hungry and miserable, at least I was losing weight. And now that I've ballooned up, I hate that I can't return to that. Because that's what worked.

    On a side note: I've never taken measurements before, I've always just weighed myself. I'm restarting an old workout, because it makes me feel better, and like I'm actually doing good work.

    Thank you for responding. I really appreciate it.
  • savannahwoods3
    savannahwoods3 Posts: 5 Member
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    shell1005 wrote: »
    Maybe the first step is to focus on not hating yourself so much. It's a sad state of affairs to have so much self image and self esteem issues, no matter your current size.

    Hi, thanks for responding. I've wrestled with this issue since I was in kindergarten. And I know I shouldn't think ugly, terrible thoughts, and fixate and hate my body, but I do. And the fact that I keep doing it makes me sadder still. And ever since I came back and discovered how to count calories, it seemed like the solution to all my problems. I didn't have to be the thick girl anymore, and I guess, now, consciously choosing to be isn't okay with me.

  • savannahwoods3
    savannahwoods3 Posts: 5 Member
    Options
    loulamb7 wrote: »
    STOP with the 1200 calorie diets and severe restrictions. This is a recipe for disaster. Pick realistic, healthy, maintainable goals. I would recommend a body recomposition, see http://community.myfitnesspal.com/en/discussion/10177803/recomposition-maintaining-weight-while-losing-fat/p1

    Hi. Thank you for responding. I've never heard of body recompositioning. I'll definitely look into it!
    kshama2001 wrote: »
    OP - I think this is more of an issue for a therapist than a weight loss forum. You can also try yoga:

    How Yoga Can Help End Binge Eating

    One breath at a time, end the suffering of binge-eating

    ...According to Juliano, yoga gives people the skills to stay with what they are feeling, rather than turning to food to escape. People who are obese or suffering from eating disorders have a tendency to dissociate from their bodies -- to choose not to feel what they are feeling when they are angry, anxious, or sad. Often, they turn to food to numb themselves. "There's this sense that I have to feel better right now, " Juliano says. "There is a complete intolerance of what is happening right now." This need to escape unpleasant feelings triggers a binge.

    When you eat to escape what you are feeling, you lose touch with the experience of eating, as well. This is one reason binges can spiral out of control. "You have no understanding that you are full, way past full, into uncomfortable, because you're so out of it," Juliano explains. "You have no connection to what you're eating. You're eating a pint of ice cream and can't even taste it. Or you go to make yourself some toast and before you know it, half the loaf is gone."

    Mindful yoga directly challenges the habit of dissociating from your body and your present-moment experience. "The whole point of yoga is to stay connected to your body. You learn it through practice, through breathing, and through breathing through the sensations."

    Read more: https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-science-willpower/201007/how-yoga-can-help-end-binge-eating

    ps - I've had a thing for tall guys since I was an adolescent. My fiance is 6'6". When I was at a healthy weight for me, I dated someone just an inch or two taller than me and it just felt wrong. I chalked it up to my personal preferences, and not a deficiency in either of us.

    Best of luck to you.

    KK

    Hi! Thank you for the wonderful advice. I will look into the yoga and the article. I really hope they help. Maybe adding yoga will help woth thw body recomposition. Maybe I am really disconnected from my body and present moment.

    I am happy you found a wonderful (tall!) fiancé :) I wish you many happy times

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