Husband of 20 years left

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leslisa
leslisa Posts: 1,350 Member
edited July 2015 in Motivation and Support
Wow. Kind of knew it was coming (he's been really, really mean lately) but it's a bit rough.

Fitness: Running 4 - 8 miles a day. Faster, stronger, harder. Thinking that's adrenaline?

I don't know how divorce works. I mean obviously I know the basics. It's all the little stuff. What am I supposed to help him with? How do you separate yourself from someone you've been with over half of your life (our son was 5 when we married). When do you get to the point you do not feel like puking your brains out every minute of everyday? Oh, and sleep would be great, too. Haven't had that for the past week either.

FYI, I'm sad but not bitter. He's a really nice guy. He just isn't happy with me anymore. I think I just need someone (anyone) to say, "Been there, done that, wrote the book" or something...
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Replies

  • busyPK
    busyPK Posts: 3,788 Member
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    I've gone through a divorce. It isn't easy, and no one can answer your questions as we all heal in our own way/time frame. What I can say is it will get easier and you are a strong person that can get through this! Also, don't blame yourself for him leaving. He left because he wanted to and you can still live life without him (or anyone) by your side. Hugs!!
  • hrbilhim
    hrbilhim Posts: 12 Member
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    It takes time. I lost my appetite and ability to sleep when I went through mine too. Just take it one day at a time and focus on the positive things in your life. It does get easier like busyPK said.
  • gkclanin
    gkclanin Posts: 6 Member
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    I'm so sorry. I've been through it too. It will take time, the sad but true cliché. After I moped around for almost 2 years, I finally got out and started hanging out with my friends, I wish I had done that sooner.
  • cblue315
    cblue315 Posts: 3,836 Member
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    Going through this right now. Separating our lives is crazy. We have been married for 35 years. Two grown children still living at home. Some days I just want to pack a suitcase and walk out of my life.
  • BeckyD1105
    BeckyD1105 Posts: 444 Member
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    Will echo what everybody else said. It does take time to get through this. I lost my appetite and couldn't sleep as well. Lean on a few good friends to help get you through this and maybe try to do a few nice things for yourself. When I was going thru mine I didn't have a lot of $$, so I made an appt with the local cosmetology school for a facial, mani and pedi. I think it cost under $20. Just something to treat myself with and make me feel pretty (because at the time I was feeling totally undesirable).
  • smtaylo85
    smtaylo85 Posts: 1,270 Member
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    it takes time. hang in there
  • jgnatca
    jgnatca Posts: 14,464 Member
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    I was part of a divorce group for many, many years. Raised my children alone. It is tougher on the one being left because you are just catching up emotionally. He's probably been simmering on this for a while.
    1. Step one, separate the bank accounts and protect your assets.
    2. See a lawyer for your options.
    3. Don't delay on step 1 and 2. Many spouses have ended up in the dust trying to reconcile while their ex-partner cleaned up.
    4. You don't have to help him with anything.
    5. If you generally split up the chores before, there are a few skills you are going to have to pick up. Who took care of changing the oil on the car? Paying the utilities? Laundry? This is all do-able.
    6. When life is a mess, focus on getting through the next day, the next hour. Give yourself small goals and the big ones will end up taking care of themselves.
    7. Try a chamomile tea at bedtime, and no caffeine after lunch. Keep a notebook by your bedside and as things come to you that need to be done, write them down. In the notebook and not rattling around in your brain.

    I am a little surprised that you don't have a really good idea why he's leaving, other than he's been grouchy. Did you guys talk things out generally when you were unhappy?

    When you have some breather time, this would be a great opportunity to write yourself a bucket list, of where you would like to be and what you want to do in the next five years. This could be an opening to a whole new kind of life for you.
  • 2wise4u
    2wise4u Posts: 229 Member
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    I echo what everyone else says and will add that my ex helped to run my business in the ground. I had to start completely over and was financially ruined. It took a long time to get over it and move on but I did it and I'm happy and a good job and have a new hubby that loves me and is good to me.

    You need to get a good attorney and let them guide you through the process. Mine was fantastic and relieved a lot of stress and questions I had involving the process. If you have joint assets, you might want to liquidate them NOW. Mine left me in the dust and took everything of value so I literally had to start over by finding a job as a means to live. And please don't take this the wrong way but mine was horrible to me and I was miserable so him leaving was the best thing to happen to me. I was able to reset my life and find the new me that is happier and glad I went through hell to come out a better person. If your husband was really horrible to you, I'm sure that in time you will feel the same way I do now and will be glad he left. It takes time but you'll be okay, I promise.
  • opalle
    opalle Posts: 234 Member
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    Hardest thing I ever went through was my divorce but it gets better. 9 Years later and my life is 100 times better than it was when I was in an unhappy marriage, but going through it is tough. Great advice from the above posters. Get lots of support. Also you said you don't know how to help him. You don't help him, you help you. That doesn't mean you have to be nasty or mean, just that your top priority is you and your well being not his.
  • gkauf744
    gkauf744 Posts: 128 Member
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    In for the sympathy. I'm divorced almost 2 years. I have regrets, but we were both miserable as a married couple. We're much more functional as co-parents.
  • leslisa
    leslisa Posts: 1,350 Member
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    Thank you all. I appreciate the input. Some of it I knew, some I didn't. As to why he left, I think perhaps that's not really that important unless he suddenly decides he wants to work it out.
  • JustChristy79
    JustChristy79 Posts: 156 Member
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    I have nothing helpful to add, but I'm sorry you're going through this.

    One day at a time. : )
  • micheledarley2012
    micheledarley2012 Posts: 24 Member
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    So sorry you're going through this. I've been divorced 2x. Jgnacta is on the money with suggestions. Get your assets and the lawyer. The things you thought he would never do, he will do and more. I walked miles as a stress reliever and loss quite a bit of weight from #2. But it gets better, and life goes back to normal and even better. Sending you prayers.
  • mom216
    mom216 Posts: 287 Member
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    Been there done that! Protect yourself legally. I look at it this way, I love my ex, always have, always will. He is a good man and a good father. After 30 plus years I made the decision not to be married to him. A couple of years after the divorce, I am able to sit next to him at family events and enjoy his presence. I wish him only the very best.
  • lessismoreohio
    lessismoreohio Posts: 910 Member
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    JustChristy79 wrote: »
    I have nothing helpful to add, but I'm sorry you're going through this.

    One day at a time. : )

    same here. God bless you and your family.

  • flamingblades
    flamingblades Posts: 311 Member
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    when you lose a loved one, a part of you dies. The body and mind needs to grieve the loss, and eventually you will pull through this. It is normal to lose sleep and appetite during this time. You have been dealt a blow and the body/mind needs to adjust to it. I am glad you parted on a kind note..
  • kbmnurse
    kbmnurse Posts: 2,484 Member
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    First get a lawyer, do NOT use a mediator. Been there done that. It was the worst mistake I ever made.
  • StacyJ8888
    StacyJ8888 Posts: 23 Member
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    Don't assume that he is a really nice guy and will play fair.

    Get a lawyer ASAP. I was a stay at home mom for 10 years, he had a business that profited 250k per year. He cut us off financially, forced us(his kids too) out of the house, totaled my vehicle, let the bank repo his work trucks, tanked his business and couldn't account for 80k in cash, he even managed to block my financial aid for a year keeping me from going back to school. Today, he works part time in a supermarket deli and pays $30 a week in child support, $5 a week towards 5k in back support..no alimony/spousal support. The judge absolutely could care less that he had made six figures during the entire marriage, did not care about any of his behavior immediately after separation. I know mine is ruining his own life/future, owes the IRS a ton of back taxes, and ruined his credit between the business and letting the house foreclose...I would have never thought he would go to the lengths that he went to to avoid alimony/meaningful child support, but he did.

    Asking for that divorce is the best thing that ever happened to me. I am graduating from nursing school in May(an option I did not have while married to him). He has gone on to remarry and destroy another woman financially(in less than 2 years) and is working on ruining the life of some other woman.

  • snowflakesav
    snowflakesav Posts: 644 Member
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    First step is taking care of yourself. Get an attorney and protect yourself and marital assets.

    This is a lot of loss to go through. I know it is hard.
  • karlis87
    karlis87 Posts: 111 Member
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    JustChristy79 wrote: »
    I have nothing helpful to add, but I'm sorry you're going through this.

    One day at a time. : )

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