Husband of 20 years left

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  • RodaRose
    RodaRose Posts: 9,562 Member
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    It is going to get better. I remember being in the middle of the grocery store and feeling such freedom because I did not have to buy his crappy white bread for him anymore.
  • schenkeljennjfer
    schenkeljennjfer Posts: 1 Member
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    This is tough stuff:( This experience will change you in so many ways. The end of a marriage is just hard. It's loss on so many levels. I'm five years out and it's still a struggle to stop living in the past. But I know it's pointless to continually dissect what happened and why and how. I wish I had done things differently. There are a 100 things I would change. Had to realize that we are both good people - kids and money problems and stress wore us down. Work on yourself. Surrender.
  • karenleona
    karenleona Posts: 3,959 Member
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    Been there done that. Had been married for 27 years and it came out of the blue. No easy fixes. Tincture of time will develop a callus over the rip in your heart. I still cant bear to think about that time and it has been 11 years
  • 3AAnn3
    3AAnn3 Posts: 3,055 Member
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    jgnatca wrote: »
    I was part of a divorce group for many, many years. Raised my children alone. It is tougher on the one being left because you are just catching up emotionally. He's probably been simmering on this for a while.
    1. Step one, separate the bank accounts and protect your assets.
    2. See a lawyer for your options.
    3. Don't delay on step 1 and 2. Many spouses have ended up in the dust trying to reconcile while their ex-partner cleaned up.
    4. You don't have to help him with anything.
    5. If you generally split up the chores before, there are a few skills you are going to have to pick up. Who took care of changing the oil on the car? Paying the utilities? Laundry? This is all do-able.
    6. When life is a mess, focus on getting through the next day, the next hour. Give yourself small goals and the big ones will end up taking care of themselves.
    7. Try a chamomile tea at bedtime, and no caffeine after lunch. Keep a notebook by your bedside and as things come to you that need to be done, write them down. In the notebook and not rattling around in your brain.

    I am a little surprised that you don't have a really good idea why he's leaving, other than he's been grouchy. Did you guys talk things out generally when you were unhappy?

    When you have some breather time, this would be a great opportunity to write yourself a bucket list, of where you would like to be and what you want to do in the next five years. This could be an opening to a whole new kind of life for you.

    wow, thank you for this.
  • distanthorizons
    distanthorizons Posts: 16 Member
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    That is it replace sorrow with positive activities like your running. The sleeplessness I have felt that and it happens because of the emptiness... What will pull you through is taking care of your health in good and bad times. Talk to your close family and create a support system. Talk to them about their lives get to know them better and help them to do productive activities, it will make you feel better.
  • sweetnickyy
    sweetnickyy Posts: 14 Member
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    RodaRose wrote: »
    It is going to get better. I remember being in the middle of the grocery store and feeling such freedom because I did not have to buy his crappy white bread for him anymore.

    Rotfl....
  • shennin001
    shennin001 Posts: 113 Member
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    So sorry and hope you get through this stronger and happier than before.
  • jwilkinsong
    jwilkinsong Posts: 20 Member
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    I just wanted to also add that my thoughts and good wishes are with you...been there(divorced 13 years)....I know it doesn't seem possible but you will survive this...the pain and feeling of loss will pass with time ...sounds cliché but true ...hang in there:)
  • sueinindy
    sueinindy Posts: 5 Member
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    Been there, done that. Read what jgnacta said...especially tip #3. So sorry that you are having to go through this.
  • ImportedRose
    ImportedRose Posts: 9 Member
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    It's not the time to bash on yourself. I know it may sound silly, but buy a pretty inexpensive journal or notebook and start a gratitude journal. You can start with
    1) I am grateful that I found out of myfitnesspal and have a lot of strangers who actually care
    2) I am grateful that I am safe
    3) I am grateful that I am loving myself now more than ever
    4). ...... Do you get where I am going with this?

    Also, if you need to cry, go ahead, give Youself 30 minutes or whatever time.
    I don't know what state you are in but go to www.211.org and find a non profit or organization that can refer you to a low cost or free great therapist. Even if you don't believe in therapy, try. Or maybe you have insurance. Talking to someone who will not share your info with people you know, is really helpful. And remember, YOU are important too. He ended this relationship for whatever reason, that does not give anyone justification to say it's all on you and now you have to be a doormat.

    Every morning go to the mirror and look straight into your eyes and say "I LOVE YOU". It doesn't matter weather you believe it or not, just do it. Trust me with this one.
  • PrizePopple
    PrizePopple Posts: 3,133 Member
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    I turned 24 two days after I walked away from my abusive and unfaithful marriage. With a 10 month old baby no less. It's not easy and it takes awhile for that "I want to puke" feeling to subside even if you were the one to end it (granted he did more than his fair share to put the nail into the proverbial coffin, I just decided enough was enough).

    Lawyer up for sure. And like was already stated get a separate bank account as soon as possible. And help with nothing other than what your lawyer says you need to. I gave my ex money to help cover rent after I left, and it could have bit me in the rear had he filed for spousal support. Luckily he didn't.
  • soldiergrl_101
    soldiergrl_101 Posts: 2,206 Member
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    leslisa wrote: »
    Wow. Kind of knew it was coming (he's been really, really mean lately) but it's a bit rough.

    Fitness: Running 4 - 8 miles a day. Faster, stronger, harder. Thinking that's adrenaline?

    I don't know how divorce works. I mean obviously I know the basics. It's all the little stuff. What am I supposed to help him with? How do you separate yourself from someone you've been with over half of your life (our son was 5 when we married). When do you get to the point you do not feel like puking your brains out every minute of everyday? Oh, and sleep would be great, too. Haven't had that for the past week either.

    FYI, I'm sad but not bitter. He's a really nice guy. He just isn't happy with me anymore. I think I just need someone (anyone) to say, "Been there, done that, wrote the book" or something...


    I divorced 4 months ago. I planned it and still didnt know how I should act. Like you said its hard to be away from someone you have seen everyday for the past xx years. On the last day when he moved out we actually gave each other a hug and kiss good bye as if he was going on a weekend trip because how else do you say good bye lol. Took me a while to get accustomed to sleeping alone again and all that stuff but youll figure it out and youll be better off for it :) Just think youll be skinner too!
  • 999tigger
    999tigger Posts: 5,235 Member
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    kbmnurse wrote: »
    First get a lawyer, do NOT use a mediator. Been there done that. It was the worst mistake I ever made.

    Her situation might not need a lawyer. How will said lawyer be paid for? Itspossible to find out the correct information without instructing a lawyer in the first instance. Just because a mediator didnt work for you doesnt mean it hasn't worked for other people.
  • PrizePopple
    PrizePopple Posts: 3,133 Member
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    999tigger wrote: »
    kbmnurse wrote: »
    First get a lawyer, do NOT use a mediator. Been there done that. It was the worst mistake I ever made.

    Her situation might not need a lawyer. How will said lawyer be paid for? Itspossible to find out the correct information without instructing a lawyer in the first instance. Just because a mediator didnt work for you doesnt mean it hasn't worked for other people.

    BS. If they were married for 20 years I'm going to bet the have quite a bit of assets to divide. And really it's just outright stupid to not retain legal counsel when you're going to be filing court documents. Having ONE person handle your stuff from start to finish is the best route, because she doesn't need to scramble for a lawyer if crap goes south. My divorce was pretty straightforward as we had little to no assets to divide (we were barely married for over a year), but there was child support and visitation involved. I paid $600. I'd say that was the best money I've ever spent, but the $3,500 to remove his rights to my daughter and to have my husband now adopt her was even better.
  • cole_carter
    cole_carter Posts: 174 Member
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    I am sorry you are going through this. I personally dislike dealing with lawyers but they do have a useful function. Best wishes to you.
  • JustChristy79
    JustChristy79 Posts: 156 Member
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    schenkeljennjfer wrote: »
    This is tough stuff:( This experience will change you in so many ways. The end of a marriage is just hard. It's loss on so many levels. I'm five years out and it's still a struggle to stop living in the past. But I know it's pointless to continually dissect what happened and why and how. I wish I had done things differently. There are a 100 things I would change. Had to realize that we are both good people - kids and money problems and stress wore us down. Work on yourself. Surrender.

    @schenkeljennjfer

    Can you tell me the top few things you would've done differently? Any advice to people struggling with similar issues. Idk why, but I feel like I need to hear what you have to say.
  • leslisa
    leslisa Posts: 1,350 Member
    edited July 2015
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    Thank you all for all of the information and the support!

    I am doing so much better today. Not "top form" but I think maybe the first week is the hardest. Not saying I won't have moments of complete freak out since I'm sure I will but I'm not crying every freaking five minutes either. Still having stomach pains and issues but not nearly as bad as they were. Coffee actually didn't make me feel ill this morning. Being able to stomach coffee is a big deal for me. I really love my morning ritual of going running at a local park followed by drinking ice water and enjoying coffee in car on way home.

    I am doing some of the things suggested and waiting on others but definitely started researching everything.

    ***I feel a need to reiterate he doesn't treat me or our children poorly. He has never been mean until the last month and I believe that was due to his inability to express his unhappiness and also his feeling that he could not leave. He's a good person. I'd like to believe I'm a good person. I'm starting to realize that doesn't necessarily mean we are good together.
  • spicy618
    spicy618 Posts: 2,117 Member
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    Sorry you are going through this. Love yourself more now.

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