My fiance and I broke up this week

bumblebreezy91 · July 2015

Hi all! I'm just in need of some support. My fiancé of four years and I broke up this week. It was a mutual decision, but it's still difficult as it's my first ever breakup. I had to move back in with my parents in a different town. I guess I knew we were headed on this path, but I was in denial for the longest time. Just last week, I met with a wedding coordinator at my church, but even then it felt unreal, as if it was never going to happen. My ex has autism and spent a lot of time on the computer playing video games and working on 3D models and planning an unrealistic business venture with his older brother, so we had minimal quality time and our time together was usually strained because he would get resentful of having to spend "so much time" with me. I thought it was going to get better and that all we had to do was push through the hard times to persevere, but I guess I finally realized we had no future together.

He would not have been my equal partner in everything, and looking back on it, he never was. Being autistic meant, for him, being unable to drive. It put a little strain on the relationship in the bitter Wisconsin winters here when I had to drive him to work every morning before my own shift, but it's such a little thing, I looked past it. I was honored to help my fiancé. But now I'm thinking about children and I cannot imagine being the only driver in the relationship, bundling babies up in the dead of winter to drive my husband to work and doing the same to pick him up later in the afternoon. It wasn't a dealbreaker for me, not really, and it seems like such a shallow thing until you experience it, but it opened my eyes to other ways in which we'd never be equal partners.

I felt like I was working harder to maintain the relationship than he was. I felt like I would be doing all of the work as a parent in the future. I couldn't get a good picture with him, which is hard when you're at a family function and need to take six pictures just to get one good shot because he was making funny faces or pretending to pick his nose. Imagine my distress at trying to hire a wedding photographer. I was thoroughly stressed out at the thought of getting our wedding photos done and how they would turn out and how many would need to be taken to get a few good ones, etc. So I told myself that what really mattered wasn't the photos but the marriage. I could get past not having any good pictures with him on our wedding day. I loved him and we would make it through.

But I couldn't get him to interact with my family and friends. My uncle's 4th of July party ended up being a dealbreaker for me after years of Christmas, Thanksgiving, Labor Day, etc parties that never went smoothly. I couldn't get him away from his computer or phone, he wouldn't talk to my family or even his, he would get overstimulated and need to go take a nap in the middle of the function, he flat out told me he hated being with me at family events. I come from a family where events are sacred. It's a time to see people, visit, eat good food, take lots of pics, have a ton of silly and serious conversations. And still I ignored the fact that he would never thrive in situations with my friends or family.

So I had to think of the future. He would never be involved with my pregnancy experience because he would not take time off work for ultrasounds and even if we scheduled them after work, he would be irritated at having to go somewhere and not getting his downtime. We would never communicate in an effective way.

I have grown up and changed so much since I first met him over four years ago. I feel like a different person altogether. I feel like he didn't grow with me, much as I wanted and expected him to. I began to feel like I was in a parent-child relationship. I want kids, a house, a real proposal and an engagement/wedding ring, a career, a partner, etc., and he wants to play his video games and be left alone. So I'll leave him alone.

I wish him all the happiness in the world. It was a mutual decision to break up and I'm excited for my new future, much as I'll miss him and our good times together.

I recently gained back all of the weight I lost, but I notice now that I'm in a new environment, I am back on track.

Thank you for sticking with me while I process my first ever breakup with the person I thought I was going to marry. Sorry it was so long!

MomMaggie · July 2015

First of all, good job on ending it. It does seem at some point it would never work, good for you for doing it before 10 years and 2 or 3 kids caught in the middle. Start focusing on yourself and I'm sure you will find a man that will treat you the way you deserve to be treated! Good luck, I wish you much happiness!!!

smotheredincheese · July 2015

To be honest your relationship sounds like it was incredibly stressful and hard work for you. You and your ex had very different priorities which was never going to result in a happy long term situation. Now you're single again you can focus on looking after yourself and get back on track with your weight loss, I strongly believe that it's better to be happily single than in a relationship that's dragging you down.

boricua3177 · July 2015

Ditto what the previous poster said. You made a good decision. Now it's time to redirect the focus on you & getting yourself back. It will be OK. (((hugs)))

ManiacalLaugh · July 2015

Despite the weight regain, it sounds like you're in a much healthier position than you were. Sometimes the path to health starts with the mind.

Hope you felt a little better writing it down; sometimes that can help.

Wishing you success in your renewed efforts!

trostrekich · July 2015

Lifting up prayers for you, I remember losing my parents in 1 month, and breaking up with my girlfriend at the time.

slimzandra · July 2015

It sounds like you looked at your relationship with a clear head. Ending a relationship is never easy, but staying in a bad one is not good. You are correct to appreciate that things would only get more difficult with children involved. Sometimes taking time to focus on yourself and getting you in a good and healthy place in your life is the best course of action. You are young, beautiful and intelligent you don't need to settle with just OK. Marriage is a partnership in every sense of the word. You wouldn't start a business proposition if someone told you that you would be doing all the work, the same should apply to romantic relationships, but we often look past too many things just for the companionship and the fear of being alone. I'm sure this is a difficult time for you, a mourning of some hopes and dreams, but that's what they were - Hopes. Once you start getting out with friends and new acquaintances you will find you begin to focus on new beginnings and new dreams. Life has a funny way of surprising you, so put one foot in front of the other and start a new path with new adventures. You will find that there are many wonderful people who will be more compatible with your interests and what you want out of life.
You deserve happiness and it will come - probably sooner than you'd expect. Best wishes on your new journey, don't look back on what could have been, look forward to what is ahead. Wonderous things happen when you seek.

busyPK · July 2015

I hope you all the success and happiness in your future. I want to provide a little caution that him having autism you should have known he may never be your "equal" in the sense that you talk about. He can not help some things that he does, like making the funny faces or noises. My 4 year old has autism and I pray that he will be able to have the many things in life that all parents want - have a job, be in love and have kids and be surrounded by people who accept him for who he is.

grimendale · July 2015

Your story resonates with me in a lot of ways. I’m also on the spectrum, and got engaged to my first girlfriend, then had to call it off after several years as it was just not working. I didn’t get diagnosed until years later, so I know that I was frustrating and difficult, because I had no handle on why certain things were so difficult for me when they seemed so easy for other people. It was a hard choice, but it was the right one. I saw on Facebook that she recently got married to someone else and is (I hope) happier than she was with me. I am getting married in November, and I am extremely grateful that I ended when I did or I would have spent years trying to make a bad relationship work.
As someone with autism, I understand that it can be difficult to deal with the social world, but it was deeply unfair of him to use his anxieties as a crutch. It can be hard to be social, but that’s not an excuse. You find ways to accommodate, but if you’re serious about being in a committed relationship, you make the effort to find ways to be supportive and to be available for your partner. If it’s important to them, it needs to be important to you. It doesn’t sound like that was the case for him. He liked having someone around to help out, but wasn’t willing to make the sacrifices and the effort to be a partner rather than a burden. I know it’s hard, but you did the right thing. The autism certainly made things harder, but at its core, I think the real issue is that he didn’t prioritize you, which is a personal failing of his and not a question of not being neurotypical. Feel free to drop me a PM if you need to talk.

arathena720 · July 2015

Sounds like you made the right decision. It's heartbreaking, I know. But better to end it now that to hang in there for years and then have kids to worry about on top of it. Welcome to your fresh start, you'll do great!

whmscll · July 2015

So sorry you are going through this. Breakups are awful. It will be hard for a while. BUT you will get through it. Time really does heal. You will discover that you are stronger than you thought. I am glad that you realized everything you posted before getting married, rather than after, and especially before there were kids. Be good to yourself, give yourself time to grieve, and don't go too crazy with eating or you will feel even worse. Cut yourself some slack with the diet, maybe, but put a time limit on it and then get back on track.

williamwj2014 · July 2015

definitely does sound like you grew up. Good job.

999tigger · July 2015

Isnt it a good thing? You arent going to be tied to someone who wasnt a good fit and in a relationship that would have been very stressful.

Mrj183 · July 2015

Sorry to hear. Its one of the hardest things to ho through...especially when you both saw a potential future together. As long as you are both content with it. Focusing on yourself and time will eventually find you both moving on to happier things.

nora_gettingfitnow · July 2015

Well done to you first of all for making the massive decision to end things and being very clear in your own head about it, you can now focus on yourself and what you need to be happy. Surrounding yourself with positive people will definitely be a must so they can support you on whatever journey you take and help make the whole transition easier on you. This will also help you get back on track and start losing the weight again. Youve come this far so you can totally do this

I wish you the best of luck and happiness on your new journey

discretekim · July 2015

grimendale wrote: »

Your story resonates with me in a lot of ways. I’m also on the spectrum, and got engaged to my first girlfriend, then had to call it off after several years as it was just not working. I didn’t get diagnosed until years later, so I know that I was frustrating and difficult, because I had no handle on why certain things were so difficult for me when they seemed so easy for other people. It was a hard choice, but it was the right one. I saw on Facebook that she recently got married to someone else and is (I hope) happier than she was with me. I am getting married in November, and I am extremely grateful that I ended when I did or I would have spent years trying to make a bad relationship work.
As someone with autism, I understand that it can be difficult to deal with the social world, but it was deeply unfair of him to use his anxieties as a crutch. It can be hard to be social, but that’s not an excuse. You find ways to accommodate, but if you’re serious about being in a committed relationship, you make the effort to find ways to be supportive and to be available for your partner. If it’s important to them, it needs to be important to you. It doesn’t sound like that was the case for him. He liked having someone around to help out, but wasn’t willing to make the sacrifices and the effort to be a partner rather than a burden. I know it’s hard, but you did the right thing. The autism certainly made things harder, but at its core, I think the real issue is that he didn’t prioritize you, which is a personal failing of his and not a question of not being neurotypical. Feel free to drop me a PM if you need to talk.

What a great response. More insightful than I could have been. I wanted to say something similar but don't have the life experience.
Op good luck. It does seem like this is for the best.

binglebandit · July 2015

I might just be reading into this, but it sounds like you're trying to convince yourself that you aren't judging your ex for being autistic and that being the reason you broke up. Trust me, many men and women are like that, whether on the spectrum or not. It sounds like it honestly just comes down to not having the same priorities and/or interests. One of my sisters-in-law still doesn't have her driver's license, and she has no excuse except she says she's too busy (she's now 28). It definitely makes it harder on her and her husband when they have two kids together and two from his previous marriage. I also know a guy who has always been him first before anything else, and now he's married and with a kid, and it's still always him first. Some people don't change, no matter who they love in their lives. There are also many people on the spectrum who love people and would do anything to make others happy. One of my friends is going to school to be an elementary school teacher and just got married and is a huge sweetheart and I just know she'll make a great wife/mother/teacher. Sure your ex might have had his limitations, but so does everyone else. It comes down to being compatible over anything else.

So I'd say, don't look back, don't let it make you feel like you are making any sort of negative judgements. You know you aren't compatible, and you don't need to make excuses for either one of you. Best of luck starting over.

trina1049 · July 2015

You are a very wise woman to see the realities of your situation. You made the right decision. Stay strong. Life will bring you wonderful experiences and some sad ones; such is its nature. All the best.

sofaking6 · July 2015

I can empathize with that feeling of wondering whether you've done the right thing even when you know you've done the right thing. I broke up with my ex after 8 years - that's how long it took me to accept that he would *always* be unworkable as a life partner. It is interesting to hear a similar story from someone else because I see how obvious it should have been to me that he would never put me first or take care of me the way I put him first and took care of him and, as with you, that is really the bottom line. Best wishes to you!

mcfattest · July 2015

Hugs. Time will heal. Don't feel guilty for your decision, nor for the times that you will long for him despite your differences. It's all part of the healing process. I applaud your courage to share your story and your will to focus on becoming a healthier better self through weight loss. I think having the goal of losing weight will give you a purpose and a sense of control, which is especially valuable when important things in your life became different and unpredictable. It is good that you're reasonable and that you asked for support when you needed it, not everyone copes like that. Stay strong!

bumblebreezy91 · July 2015

Thank you all SO MUCH for the kind responses. To be honest, I was a bit worried that someone was going to read into the situation and find a way to tell me it was all in my head, but I'm pleasantly surprised by the kindness of the responses. I definitely feel like I made the right decision, it is just really very hard after four years to just say "see ya" and try to move on. I appreciate everyone being empathetic to that.

janisvin · July 2015

You did good, sister! Keep communicating! You sound like a wise person already. Take care of you and love will come again!

Camomilejane · July 2015

I do wish you all the very best for the future. You will come through this a stronger person.

funchords · July 2015

Even though you're right about your points, you sound like you have seller's remorse. You also sound very nice. It's okay. Just feel and vent. It's fine.

When my marriage of 16 years broke, I went to Staples and bought a 3-ring binder with pockets and some notebook paper like we used in school. Page 1 was my to-do list -- things I had to do to go from "We" to "Me.". Pages 2-whatever was just random thoughts, primal screams, doodles, whatever I felt like writing. The whole notebook provided a compartment for all these thoughts. The To-Do list was invaluable and six-months later, I still had the book but I rarely needed to open it for anything. It was over, and I made it through quite well.

Good luck.

My fiance and I broke up this week

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