Need some POSITIVE friends to counteract one very NEGATIVE person in my life!

stoogeswoman
stoogeswoman Posts: 25 Member
edited November 21 in Motivation and Support
Hi everyone!

My name is Christine. I'm 56 years old and I'm on my ... let's see (counts on fingers) ... oh well, let's just say "latest" attempt to get SERIOUS about getting fit!

Here's my problem: I actually know what I need to do, and how I need to do it. But I'm semi-retired, and only have one friend that I socialize with regularly (besides my husband, I mean!).

She's someone I've known for a long time, but over the years she's gotten more and more bitter and negative about life. I feel sorry for her, because I know she doesn't have anyone else in her life to talk to. So we go out to breakfast once a week, and keep in touch by email.

The problem is - she is sure she knows EXACTLY what I need to do to lose weight and get fit. And it's to the point where I can no longer just make casual conversation about anything I'm doing to make myself healthier, because she'll immediately jump in and tell me why what I'm doing is wrong and HERE'S what you SHOULD be doing and why don't you do THIS every day and ...

Sigh ...

Here's the thing: I don't want to dump her as a friend (because as I say, I don't really have a whole lot of other friends right now!). But I ALSO want to be treated with respect - because I'm not stupid. I read a lot - and I've been fat most of my life - so I already KNOW all the diets and exercise plans and methods and theories and scams out there - and have decided that what will work for me is just keeping it simple - counting my calories (via My Fitness Pal) and adding some *gentle* exercise to my routine.

But that's not acceptable to her and her biggest beef is that I won't do the specific exercises SHE thinks I should be doing on a daily basis.

The reason I don't want to do them on a daily basis is that I know from past experience if I commit to that, I will get bored and stop - and then feel terribly guilty! But if I do my OWN exercises on my OWN schedule (2 or 3 times a week at the gym and/or doing a nice 20-30 minute walk), I will stick to it and enjoy it!

Does that make sense? Wow, this post is getting really long!

I guess what I'd like to happen is that if you've managed to read this far, please post something nice and positive about what I'm doing, so I can read it next time my friend tells me I'm doing everything wrong! And if there's still a way to "friend" people here on My Fitness Pal, please do so! I'll look forward to seeing you here! Let's say positive things to each other, 'kay?

THANKS!!
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Replies

  • queenliz99
    queenliz99 Posts: 15,317 Member
    I've got a friend like that, too!! Related maybe? Turn a deaf ear, change the subject, that's what I do.
  • R1rainbows
    R1rainbows Posts: 129 Member
    My coworker is using a waist wrap "trainer" lol... She keeps telling me I need to get one, that it's gonna jump start my tummy toning. I'm at the point now that I just laugh it off because I know those things are a huge scam now. A lot of people just refuse to believe a good old fashioned calorie deficit is all they need. Oy vey...!
  • AllOutof_Bubblegum
    AllOutof_Bubblegum Posts: 3,646 Member
    The solution is simple: stop talking to her about your weight loss. Just say nothing about it. Some people are incapable of hearing about others trying to get healthy without cramming their opinions down everyone's throat. Keep her as a friend if you like, enjoy your breakfasts together, but avoid the subject of weight loss and fitness with her completely. If she brings it up or asks if you're losing weight, just change the subject.

    When she sees the progress you've made, only then consider sharing what you've been doing with her. Once you can showcase real results, it'll be a lot harder for her to argue about how your methods "won't work"!
  • Ninkyou
    Ninkyou Posts: 6,666 Member
    The best advice I can give is to just not discuss your weight loss journey or methods with her. Discuss everything else though! If she brings it up try to switch topics. If she points out that you've lost weight or something, nod and say "Yes, I've lost a couple pounds."

    People always have an opinion on weight loss. It's best to just ignore them and do your own thing at your own pace.

    It sounds like you have a good plan in place. Stick to it, enjoy yourself and stick around these forums for the weight loss talk. For everything else, that's what the friend is for ;)
  • liamnmichaelsmom
    liamnmichaelsmom Posts: 1 Member
    this is a slower song but one of the most inspirational songs I have found please believe me even when people try to get you down you are the dawn of a new day and though some might try to define you they can't take the light that's in side you https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=70VlAyEUXYM hope this helps you to find some postivity that you need in your life
  • Hearts_2015
    Hearts_2015 Posts: 12,032 Member
    edited July 2015
    @stoogeswoman

    I know you mentioned you don't want to stop being friends with her ...but it doesn't sound like a healthy friendship. Think about the positives, are there any..besides you mentioned you have no other friends? Perhaps she's why you don't have any other friends, maybe she's keeping you from making new friends that will root for you!! You deserve more in your life than a negative person pulling you down. We all do!! <3

    I think you have a great attitude and will do well... you'll make tons of new goal-orientated positive friends on the site. It may end up over-shadowing that friendship altogether and it may end on it's own.

    When you find a positive affirmation, write it down and put it on a place you see it several times a day, the bathroom mirror, the fridge door... etc. :)

    Negative ppl typically are that way because they don't like something about themselves so they don't want others to find good either.

    You can do THIS with ppl on the site...just focus on the positives you see on the site and when you feel they might be a good fit send a FR to them.
  • stoogeswoman
    stoogeswoman Posts: 25 Member
    edited July 2015
    Thanks everyone! I really appreciate the encouragement and the suggestions!

    As for those who say it doesn't sound like a healthy friendship? Probably isn't. But as I said, I'm semi-retired, so no longer see my "work friends" - and I don't have any family living nearby. It may all change in a year or so when my husband starts a new job. And she does have some good points - as I said, I've known her for many years.

    And when I don't see her, I have no real problem with being on my own - I drive around a lot during the day looking for used books to sell online (my home-based business!).

    Part of why I've gained a lot of weight in the past couple of years is that I spend a lot of time in my car! So I have to make myself stop and get out from time to time.

    The good news is I have a gym membership (24 Hour Fitness) and today I visited a new (to me) location, and wound up having a nice chat with a couple of other ladies of my age, while we were hanging out in the sauna after the workout. I plan to go back there at least once a week so who knows? Maybe I can make some new friends, as well as keeping the old! :-)
  • 999tigger
    999tigger Posts: 5,235 Member
    edited July 2015
    This is my suggested way to do it:

    Keep your friend but DO NOT talk about the diet with her, its not worth the effort and its unhelpful. If she talks about it nod and let it go in one ear and out the other. She will find it much harder to engage you about it.

    Learn how to lose weight from MFP and be an effective calorie counter.
    Learn what basic exercise you can be doing (but remember it has most impact on fitness) whilst appreciating calorie burns are secondary to consumption control. MFP is full of thousands of people who have lost weight and others who do regular exercise. Get some friends on MFP. Arguing with your friend is wasted energy and will no be good for your friendship, so just get on with doing it your own way without conflict and then the results can speak for themselves.
  • janisvin
    janisvin Posts: 72 Member
    Good luck; letting go of longstanding friends is hard to do and not always worth the end result. I have a friend of 20+ years who actually said my best friend's probable divorce makes her feel better about her unmarried (read spinster) status!! Go and cultivate with your new lady friends and look for others. Stay the course with your fitness. This app works!!!
  • pam338
    pam338 Posts: 8 Member
    Hello...I've lost 30 so far with 40 to go!!! We can do this!!!
  • happygalah
    happygalah Posts: 343 Member
    Yes, sounds like you are doing the right thing to make a few new friends at the gym you're going to. Like the others already said, don't talk to the negative friend about weight loss anymore. The more things you join, like bike club, fun runs, etc. the more likely you are to find like minded positive people for friendship.
  • Machka9
    Machka9 Posts: 25,634 Member
    AllOutof_Bubblegum wrote: »
    The solution is simple: stop talking to her about your weight loss. Just say nothing about it.

    This ^^

    And start looking for other people to include in your life.

    Volunteer.
    Go to church.
    Keep chatting with those ladies you met at the gym.

  • ohmscheeks
    ohmscheeks Posts: 840 Member
    Tee hee, there are a lot of "one true way" people here too. But, there are "live and let live" people (like myself) as well. Something positive... You will succeed!
  • kellydavis970
    kellydavis970 Posts: 18 Member
    edited July 2015
    It sounds like you know what to do! Can you imagine how great it will feel to do it and prove her wrong? :) Use her negativity as motivation! This community is great when you need someone to talk to about the journey.

    You can do it!!!
  • stoogeswoman
    stoogeswoman Posts: 25 Member
    Wow, just woke up and saw all the new messages & friendship requests - you are awesome! Thanks so much, folks! I really appreciate it!

    Yeah, I will go to breakfast with her as usual on Monday (it is kinda fun) but will try to keep the topics on noncontroversial things, like "Doctor Who" and politics. :D

    Oh and also, just wanted to add, she's MUCH more confrontational in emails than in person - so maybe I will just start ignoring her emails for a while. Or at least not replying to them.
  • marthaelisa80
    marthaelisa80 Posts: 1,572 Member
    Bitterness is like a cancer. To let it invade your mind and body. This is your journey beautiful! Not hers! A person who reaches their dreams is far more successful then the one with just all the facts! You do what is obtainable for you! Setting unrealistic goals is just setting up for failure. If you know what works for you is walking do that, as long as your active and eating right. It's your workout! You make it happen! When she talks about what you should do say, thanks for your feedback, but I already have a program and I'm doing great! I'll let YOU know if I need your help. And end it! This iss your life! You got this!
  • supikoch
    supikoch Posts: 1 Member
    I only associate with positive people.I stopped hanging out with them....it gets lonely at times but you meet new people.join a gym ,find a group on meetup...
  • fitmap73
    fitmap73 Posts: 19 Member
    edited July 2015
    She's TOXIC! It isn't just about weight loss and it will rub off on you. Fade her from your life. It is easy to make new friends, just get out there at church, hobbies, volunteer, etc etc. Also you are too young to retire, you sound like you are 90 and in a nursing home clinging to your last friend. You are YOUNG. Consider going back to work, in a job that keeps you on your feet and complements your fitness goals.
  • jgnatca
    jgnatca Posts: 14,464 Member
    Here's the plan. Your fitness and your weight loss goals are no longer a fit topic for conversation.

    Smile and change the subject.
    Firmly tell her the subject is closed and talk about something else.
    Bring up something highly personal that she needs to change.
    Abruptly cut the visit short if she brings up your fitness goals.
    Boundaries.

    http://jokes.cc.com/funny-school/25160g/two-southern-ladies

    I have managed to maintain association with high maintenance people by firmly defending my boundaries.

    My daughter did not agree with my weight loss plans and I was too vulnerable in the first few months to tolerate any negativity. So I simply kept her out of the loop.

    She is very proud of me now but she still worries that my running is too hard on me. She wants me to cycle.

    Eh. A fifty something woman has earned the right to do as she pleases. I mean, who we trying to impress any more? I swear it's like a second teenage fling, only better.
  • arathena720
    arathena720 Posts: 449 Member
    I LOVE people who are miserable but are certain their way is the right way, lol! I agree with several people here. Avoid talking about it if you can. But then if she brings it up, I'd say "you know, maybe I will give that a shot!" Tell her what a great idea she has. And just be very non committal if she asks you how it's going, like, "Oh, I'm working on it," and "Yeah, I'll get there soon!" Basically confuse her so she doesn't know if you're doing it or not. But agree about how great it sounds.
  • Sweets1954
    Sweets1954 Posts: 507 Member
    I agree with those when suggest not bringing up the subject when you are with her. If she continues to give "advice" anyway, just say "Thank you for the advice/concern." and change the subject. You are doing what you know is best for you. You may want to limit the time spent with her and look for other people you can pal around with, maybe someone from your gym. Do you belong to any organizations or volunteer anywhere? Those are good sources for new friends as well.
  • besaro
    besaro Posts: 1,858 Member
    sorry, this sounded more like a I-want-to-complain-about-my-one-and-only-friend rather than "hey fitness people! friend me!" Ask for what you want.
  • dennshah01
    dennshah01 Posts: 34 Member
    edited July 2015
    jgnatca wrote: »
    Here's the plan. Your fitness and your weight loss goals are no longer a fit topic for conversation.

    Smile and change the subject.
    Firmly tell her the subject is closed and talk about something else.
    Bring up something highly personal that she needs to change.
    Abruptly cut the visit short if she brings up your fitness goals.
    Boundaries.

    http://jokes.cc.com/funny-school/25160g/two-southern-ladies

    I have managed to maintain association with high maintenance people by firmly defending my boundaries.

    My daughter did not agree with my weight loss plans and I was too vulnerable in the first few months to tolerate any negativity. So I simply kept her out of the loop.

    She is very proud of me now but she still worries that my running is too hard on me. She wants me to cycle.

    Eh. A fifty something woman has earned the right to do as she pleases. I mean, who we trying to impress any more? I swear it's like a second teenage fling, only better.

    =============

    I agree with @jgnatca advice. Since she tends to be aggressive over email, you may want to consider responding back in a day or so. Let her know that you don't want to talk about health/fitness with her because you know what you need to do and you are happy with your decisions. Let her know that if she keeps pushing, it may ruin your friendship her. Although you care and like meeting with her, it will get to the point where she will push you into feeling that the friendship is just an emotional hassle and too stressful to continue. As you meet other like-minded ladies and become friends, you may find that you will start letting her go naturally. It really is better to be around people who support you and let you be who your are, than people who antagonize and want to control you. You never know, at the risk of losing you as a friend, she may change her ways? You will be great! Good luck!
  • madrecon_3
    madrecon_3 Posts: 12 Member
    I do not have a friend like that but I can relate to people who lose weight easily and always have to say that is not always positive.
    I have started and stopped several times but I am determined to stay the course I have cut out my favorites sweet tea, mountain dew and alot of bread.
    And I am working out at the Y during water exercise 3 times a week.
    Just remember you a doing this for YOURSELF and NO ONE else B)
  • ms_maruska
    ms_maruska Posts: 119 Member
    You sound very rational and your plan to lose weight and exercise sounds very down to earth so I think you should just continue what you're doing. And regarding your friend.. well, I can relate (not regarding weight loss tho) and it's a tough one. What I've realized the best thing to do (from my experience) is to explain why you won't do it her way and that you've found out what is easiest and best for you regarding diet and exercise. Ignoring her might bring about bottled up emotions. However, everyone is different and you know her and your friendship the best so.. :)
  • fidangul
    fidangul Posts: 673 Member
    Everyone has said more or less what I'm thinking.

    I wanted to congratulate you on being a very good friend ( to your friend). Not a of lot people would take someone else's c*** and still chat with them. But do try to make other friends, that doesn't mean that you are forgetting her. Change is good. I don't have a crowd of friends either just a couple of close ones. But making new friends, who are also trying to lose weight has helped me so much on my journey.

    Feel free to add me for some more positivity
  • kgeiger141
    kgeiger141 Posts: 78 Member
    I had a similar issue with a friend (with her it was telling me to not work out though) and it contributed to a further weight gain. Sometimes it's best to not talk to them until you get in your routine and then not mention the new routine at all! There is lots of other stuff you can talk about, I'm sure! Also, if you want more MFP support, feel free to add me! :)
  • skinnyinnotime
    skinnyinnotime Posts: 4,078 Member
    Hmm, seeing as you've tried so many times and here you are again...maybe your friend has a point.
  • stm712015
    stm712015 Posts: 138 Member
    edited July 2015
    Losing weight and exercising is such a personal journey for me so I understand what you're saying. What your friend is doing would drive me crazy. It sounds like you know what you need to do. I agree with the others that have said to just stop talking about it. The next time she brings it up, I'd probably let her know that you've decided not to talk with others about it. That's it's a personal journey that needs to be done by you in your own way. She can choose to disagree with you, but she must respect your boundaries if you ask to not talk about it any more. It really is a lesson in setting boundaries with others that make you comfortable.

    Have you ever joined a MeetUp group? In my town they have some great walking and hiking ones and it's a super way to socialize. The thing I like the most about it is you can choose which outings to go on, or not, depending on your mood and the activity level your comfortable with and no one expects anything out of you (as far as how often you attend). There are groups for all kinds of interests. It's a great way to make friends.

    I'd love to be MFP friends with you. You seem like a very kind person and its wonderful to have positive people cheering us on!
  • jkal1979
    jkal1979 Posts: 1,896 Member
    Maybe it's time to put yourself out there to meet more people and make new friends.

    Meetup.com is one place to look. You can find groups of people in your area that have similar interests. It could be something as simple as a walking club, book club, cooking club, etc. Doing some volunteer work in your area may also be a good option for you too.
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