My Husband Died and I Need Support

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I haven't logged on in months, I haven't been keeping up my food diary. I can't remember if I ate let alone what I ate.

I've been in a fog since my beloved died 155 days ago. I was doing so well with my life style changes. But now, I just don't seem to care. I am lucky to get to the gym twice a week now instead of my normal 4 plus swimming.

Does it even matter anymore if I stay healthy?
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Replies

  • ManiacalLaugh
    ManiacalLaugh Posts: 1,048 Member
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    Being healthy is as much a mental thing as it is a physical one. I would highly recommend finding a support group or counselor to help you proceed. Put the exercise on hold if you need to and begin again in a way that you can handle in the midst of everything you're going through. (Although exercise is supposed to be good for the emotional state too - keep that in mind.) If that means just starting to log rough estimates of what you're taking in, then that's what you should do. You can work more accurate logging and exercise in later.
  • AddieOverhaul
    AddieOverhaul Posts: 734 Member
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    I'm sorry for your loss. I do think it matters that you stay healthy. While you will always miss him, the severe fog of your grief right now will eventually lessen, and you will want to be healthy for your remaining years on this planet. You will want to be able to enjoy time with friends and loved ones.

    I agree that you should seek a support group or talk to a grief counselor. Exercise may help you deal with your emotions. Even if you just go for long walks that may be enough to help you process things.

    I wish you all the best.
  • DaveAkeman
    DaveAkeman Posts: 296 Member
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    Kakalina2 wrote: »
    Does it even matter anymore if I stay healthy?

    Yes, it does matter, because YOU matter.

    Your life has changed, and you may not be motivated in the same way as before, or even be able to keep up the same routines. You need to find your new motivation. Maybe if you change up some stuff . . . for example, by joining a different gym, or going at a different time of day . . . you will be able to find your new motivation.

    And a grief counselor would probably be a great choice.
  • 2wise4u
    2wise4u Posts: 229 Member
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    I'm sorry for your loss. Stay strong and seek counseling or someone to talk to that can help you through this tough time. You are important and your family would want you to stay healthy. I've dealt with depression and my counselor always told me that exercise helps. Start off small but keep moving and please seek help from a professional.
  • alfiedn
    alfiedn Posts: 425 Member
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    I agree that counseling may be helpful. You are, understandably, seeming quite depressed and someone can help you work through those feelings. I do know that your circumstance is nothing I've experienced. However, exercise and good diet can help with your state of mind as much as your state of mind can help with diet and exercise. When I've been depressed, forcing myself to exercise 20-30 minutes 3-4 times a week has made a huge difference in my mindset as has cleaning up my diet (you know...eating only chocolate only gets you so far).

    When you treat yourself poorly, you feel poorly. When you treat yourself well, it can make you feel more well! :)

    Reach out to friends for support and lean on the people who care about you and want you to take good care of yourself. I'm so sorry for your loss. I'm sure you have wonderful friends and family that care very much about your well being.

  • JenAndSome
    JenAndSome Posts: 1,893 Member
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    Kakalina2 wrote: »
    I haven't logged on in months, I haven't been keeping up my food diary. I can't remember if I ate let alone what I ate.

    I've been in a fog since my beloved died 155 days ago. I was doing so well with my life style changes. But now, I just don't seem to care. I am lucky to get to the gym twice a week now instead of my normal 4 plus swimming.

    Does it even matter anymore if I stay healthy?

    Of course it matters. I'm very sorry for your loss, but what would your husband want you to do? Grieving is a process but surely he wouldn't want you to lose yourself in that grief. I would say finding a support group or even just a group of like minded people to be around would be helpful. Maybe take up a new hobby or interest (water aerobics, painting, cooking classes?) to help fill your time so that you aren't just letting your loss eat you alive. Best wishes.

  • beamer0821
    beamer0821 Posts: 488 Member
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    hang in there girlfriend!! just go easy on yourself. its ok if you don't log. sometimes taking care of ourselves is just doing whats best in the moment. do you have any support? friend? family? grief support group? a local church or hospital I'm sure has them you should try one. just one.

    ((hugs)))
  • rushfive
    rushfive Posts: 603 Member
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    I'm so sorry for your loss.
    It does matter to stay healthy.... may not seems so now. Think of others that care for you in your life.
    Also, maybe see your general doc., My mother at 70 was having a very hard time dealing with the loss of her husband (my father) no matter what the family did for her... the doctor talked with her and gave her some meds for depression. Helped her and as time went by she got off them.
    You are going through a difficult time right now, ask for help.
    Best of luck to you. <3<3
  • FatFreeFrolicking
    FatFreeFrolicking Posts: 4,252 Member
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    Kakalina2 wrote: »
    I haven't logged on in months, I haven't been keeping up my food diary. I can't remember if I ate let alone what I ate.

    I've been in a fog since my beloved died 155 days ago. I was doing so well with my life style changes. But now, I just don't seem to care. I am lucky to get to the gym twice a week now instead of my normal 4 plus swimming.

    Does it even matter anymore if I stay healthy?

    First, I'm so sorry for your loss.

    Everything that you are feeling is completely normal and to be expected.

    I see you've lost 100 pounds. Congrats. That is a wonderful accomplishment. Not many people can say "I've lost 100 pounds." I think it's safe to say that your husband would want you to continue down a road of health!

    With that being said, mental health is very important. I think it would be best if you contact a psychologist in your area who deals with grief from the loss of a loved one.

    I also think it might be helpful to look for a widow's club in your area. Support is key to healing.

  • SkinnyCat39
    SkinnyCat39 Posts: 122 Member
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    I am sorry to hear about your husband, I'm sure it is difficult. Just remember the good times.

    EXERCISE increases SEROTONIN levels which helps fight off depression, Google it.

    I have experienced the effects of working out myself, and it definitely helps my mood.

    Hope this helps.
  • IammeCA
    IammeCA Posts: 63 Member
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    I am so sorry for your loss. I lost my wife of 32 years about a year and a half ago. It took me a year to really begin to come out of the emotional fog.

    Starting on MFP is a part of my journey and has been a big help. Sometimes concentrating on the physical helps.

    That's about the extent of my words of wisdom as I am still trying to figure this out. If you would like to send a friend request feel free.
  • FitFLNana
    FitFLNana Posts: 11 Member
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    Wow - Kakalina2, this is very close to when my beloved hubby died too. I so understand!! After 30 years of marriage life has so totally changed from what I thought it would be. For me, taking care of my eating and exercise was one of the very few things I can control - so I have kept at it. It is so hard when you realize that your world has stopped - but everyone else's is still going! I so recommend GriefShare - they have a web-site with daily emails they will send you and also have 13week support groups that meet all over the country - you can search for one close to you. It is very helpful to be around others who are going through the same thing you are! I am on here as FitFLNana if you want to be pals!
  • bigmantis
    bigmantis Posts: 10 Member
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    Don't let anyone tell you how to feel, if your heart hurts then cry, if your happy smile, if you feel good laugh. It will take time and you will get through this, everything you feel is absolutely normal. My props to everyone responding, its amazing to see everyone and their inspirational advice and word of encouragement.
  • Kakalina2
    Kakalina2 Posts: 26 Member
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    Some very good advice. Thank you all. I appreciate it very much. Sadly, I have no family left nearby. I do have a son and two wonderful grandchildren but they are so far away in another state.
    I did try some support groups but so many of them seem stuck in the process. Some have been there over 4 years! I understand that may be right for some but I am more of a get on with it person.
    Again, thanks for the support. I will certainly be trying some of your suggestions and will try very hard to start logging on.
    ( Perhaps I'm afraid to put in the amount of wine I am suddenly ingesting, LOL)
  • alfiedn
    alfiedn Posts: 425 Member
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    My family is all far away. I totally understand how that feels. However, your son and grandchildren love you! I'm sure they want to see you happy and healthy in every way. Weight loss is really not the most important thing for you to work on right now. It seems like you need to feel confident in your own self-worth. You are worth it and THAT is why you will become healthy mentally and physically.
  • raregem99
    raregem99 Posts: 88 Member
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    Aww sweetie, I'm sorry your Honey passed away. I think as you move through the mourning, you will begin to feel your husband's spirit motivating you, telling you wake up everyday with a little more peace, a little more purpose and a little more joy. In time you'll need to drink less wine, cry less and find meaning and worth in your personal goals again. God bless you.
  • uconnwinsnc1
    uconnwinsnc1 Posts: 902 Member
    edited July 2015
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    Everyone dies, it is part of life. Before we die, we leave impressions on people. We leave character traits of ours planted in other people. We leave love and memories behind. We are who we are because of the people we spend time with.

    Whenever you look in a mirror, you'll see traits of your husband that he left with you. Those traits are there to make you strong. Take what he left you and use it. The more you use it, the more it will come through, and the more alive he'll be in your heart.

    Now, here is a cute animal to make you smile.

    68dh4k4ewonl.jpg
  • mjbowman821
    mjbowman821 Posts: 66 Member
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    I get it. I lost my wife of 14 years 18 months ago to a illness. Sure working out is nice but survival is key first. I called my life after Julie my new normal in that I wasnt going to be married to her again. As much as you want the pain to go away it is going to remain. There is no list of things to do to get through the grieving process. Since that happened I have had 3 people lose a spouse so I reach out and comfort them however I can. Looking back I can see the fog that I was living in. Your grief is like a fingerprint it is individual to you. When you get to a point remember, It is ok to have a good day and not feel guilty. Sometimes I would compare grief to swimming in the ocean. You see the beach far off and tou start swimming for it. Somedays you make progress other days you are swept futher out to sea. Just keep swimming until one day you can stand up on your own on the beach. IF you want send me a friend request.
  • docvic123
    docvic123 Posts: 7 Member
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    Kakalina2, I am so sorry for your loss. I, too, lost the love of my life (212 days ago), and feel as you do. I was disheartened by the fact that some of the widows I looked to for hope that there is light at the end of the tunnel, seemed to be stuck in it and taking up residence. You have achieved some fitness goals already, so when you are ready to get back to it, you already know what to do. I know how it is to want to move on, but not feel like doing ANYthing.

    I am a fitness beginner, but a little further along the grief road, and I am noticing that it IS getting better. Little by little, I am choosing to nurture myself the way I used to nurture my husband. My trainer recommended MFP, which in turn is helping me to monitor my diet almost to the extent I used to track every carb and every pill my hubby ingested. I'm still not interested in doing any cooking (I loved cooking for him), but I am now getting take-out salads and bottled water instead of the dreaded french fries (and boxed wine!)

    When I was more bogged down in the grief fog, I used to make excuses to avoid the gym, doctor's appointments, and church, because these are the things my husband and I did together, and it made me too sad. But in the last week or so, I have come to the realization that these things were important to him (and us), so continuing them makes me feel closer to him. Adding some new twists helps to lessen the frequency of the overwhelming sense of loss that seems to come out of nowhere and knock you down. I mix it up by taking new classes, going different times of day, choosing different parking spaces and different locations, so I don't find myself in the exact place where such-and-such happened.

    Working on my health and fitness has given me something to focus on, and I am starting to feel better in more ways than one. I also found a grief recovery workbook to be very useful for help in processing all the different feelings you are going though. <Hugs>
  • Biggoal50
    Biggoal50 Posts: 33 Member
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    hi, I know how you feel. My husband of 29 years died 6 days ago after a 20 month battle with lung cancer. I am so sad. I gained 30 pounds during his illness, but now I am not as hungry. I've decided to start logging in again to see if I can lose some of the weight I've gained. I'm hoping I can channel some of my sadness into action.Feel free to message/friend me if you're feeling down.