Keeping my mental illness at bay

Hi everyone!

(Warning: long post ahead!)

I've been using the MFP app for about a month now and figured it was time to join this message board for some extra support as well as to offer my advice and encouragement wherever I can. I thought it would be good to start by sharing a little about myself so here is my story.

I can't remember a time when anxiety wasn't a part of me. I always worried about anything and everything. Intrusive thoughts were an everyday occurrence and that dreaded feeling of impending doom was lingering in my head 24/7. This led to me feeling like I was very different from everybody else and as a result I became very distant and isolated. I felt alone, like a stranger on this planet. I started drowning in rumination and became very depressed which eventually led me to consult my family doctor who referred me to a psychiatrist. At 21 years old I was diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety Disorder as well as Persistent Depressive Disorder (also known as Dysthymia). Mental illness runs in my family so I guess I was genetically predisposed to it. I was put on antidepressants and started doing a lot of therapy. Things gradually got better; I wasn't free of anxiety and still struggled with episodes of depression but at least I was functional and not paralyzed with fear and despair every waking hour.

I was going through the motions of life, but through all of this, I was pretty much inactive and had very poor eating habits. As my appetite was greatly affected by my mood, my weight fluctuated between 145lbs and 240lbs back and forth (I'm 6'2"). I was weak all the time and my sleeping was all over the place. Despite that I was managing to live a somewhat normal life, going to school and working, trying really hard not to get carried away with negative thoughts and feelings. Unfortunately my world came crashing down about three years ago. My father, who struggled with major depression for most of his life, had a really bad relapse which culminated in him committing suicide. For me, that was the start of a long crawl down the black hole of depression and despair. I myself became suicidal and felt completely hopeless about overcoming this torment.

I finally reached my breaking point about four months ago. I did not want to live anymore, I was ready to put an end to it all. However, I couldn't stop thinking about how I would be putting my family through the same hell my dad put us through. Fortunately, instead of acting on my thoughts I decided to reach out to loved ones for help which landed me in the hospital for six weeks. Six weeks of intensive therapy, group and individual, workshops, and connecting with other people with similar issues. This was the start of a complete turnaround in my life. I learned a lot of valuable coping skills, social interaction skills, and how to identify and challenge my negative thoughts. Most importantly, I learned that actions precede feelings; if I wanted to enjoy life I had to be willing to explore things outside of my comfort zone. Avoidance had been my main comfort for most of my life and I had to challenge that if I was to build a balanced life for myself. And that is EXACTLY what I did!

About two months ago, I went to my sister's boyfriend first Muay Thai fight (Thai boxing). I knew nothing about the sport but was VERY inspired and impressed by what I saw that night. Talking to him after the fight, he saw right away that I was really interested in learning more about it. He suggested that I try it out at the gym where he trains as they have a free trial for a week. It took me about two weeks to summon the courage but I finally went, paired up with my sister's boyfriend and INSTANTLY fell in love with the sport. It was a tough workout, and I did what I could given my poor level of fitness, but I left the gym that morning feeling like a million dollars! I felt like I had just conquered the world! I was extremely sore and tired for the next few days, but I couldn't wait to go to my second class! My sister's boyfriend surprised me on my birthday with my very own pair of Muay Thai gloves and I felt like a kid on Christmas morning! I went to a second class, signed up for a membership and the rest is history.

Discovering the art of Muay Thai was the start of a new lifestyle for me. Food became more than just something I went to for comfort. Food is fuel. If I want to perform well, I have to put the right fuel in my body. With that in mind, I have adopted a very healthy and balanced diet with the help of MFP and a lot of research. It's amazing the impact food can have on your mind and body! I've now been doing Muay Thai for about a month and a half, three times a week, and I go on short runs every other day. I've also registered to run my first 5k in September and I'm really looking forward to it! Some of my goals are: to lose about 40lbs and to put on a bit of muscle, improve my cardio, and to improve my overall health, physical and mental.

My perspective on life has completely changed. I feel like I have been given a chance to start over and do things differently. I've never felt so alive and motivated in my whole life and it's the best feeling in the world! I guess it is true that sometimes you have to hit rock bottom before you can truly get back up. The structure of Muay Thai has given me focus, discipline and determination to make these changes permanent. I feel stronger, happier and more fulfilled than ever. Nothing can stop me now! This new lifestyle is my most valuable tool in keeping my mental illness at bay.

I am excited to be a part of this community. We're all in this together!

Thank you for reading,

Eric

EDIT: spelling